Women Get Bored Too

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I was talking to a guy on Fetlife who is married, but whose wife doesn’t know he is on there. Basically he messaged me to ask if he could come to an event, admitted that he has a wife, and said he would lie to her about coming.

He seemed to think that people on Fetlife should have no problem with cheating, (because obviously kinky people have no morals?) I was pretty offended (obviously) by that bit. So I told him:

You should tell your wife. Kinky people are not cool with infidelity.

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However, let’s set the issue of morals aside. There is something else I want to talk about.

This guy said that his wife was perfectly happy in their marriage, and that she was not kinky or curious. He said she was a virgin when they got together, and she is never bored with him. He said he just knows that she adores him. But of course, he said he was bored with her, so he needed to cheat through Fetlife “to get what he needed.” That is about the point when I could feel my blood boiling up inside of me.

Obviously, I don’t know these people personally.

But, I do know the facts.

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Women struggle more with monogamy than men. There is plenty of evidence that many women are more likely to report their relationship as “happy,” but that the sex is lackluster.

Sometimes women mistake a lack of sexual excitement for “falling out of love” and then mistake sexual lust for the next person they meet as “falling in love.”

No matter how you slice it, the truth is that women are just less likely to enjoy monogamy (according to science.) Even in a recent conversation with some of my vanilla girl friends, I found that they were very open to swinging or dating outside the marriage.

To sum up, more women report being bored and not feeling sexual desire than men. That is just a fact that we know, and it means that there is a higher chance that your wife is bored than you.

In fact, if you are bored, science can almost guarantee that your wife is.

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So the point is: Talk to your fucking wife/girlfriend/whatever. Don’t make assumptions about how another person feels. That is never okay.

Also, when I told Cheating SOB (this guy’s screen name) that he should just talk to his wife, he asked me what he should say.

First, recognize the fact that: I don’t know your wife! You know your wife. I bet you know better how to bring things up with her!

Generic Advice:

Do some laundry. Cook. Clean. Take her to dinner. Have sex. And after sex in the dark, ask her if she ever feels like the romance is gone, or like she’s not as attracted to you as she used to be. Let her know that it is okay to be honest.

Then, ask her how she would feel about trying new things in bed that she might be interested in. Ask if she has any fantasies. (Yes, it does have to be about her if you want it to work. Keep your own shit to yourself for awhile until you do some stuff she wants.)

If you are interested in being poly, as her if she would ever consider dating someone else. Make it clear that she would date someone else first before you, so you could both see how you felt about it. Because if it is your idea, then it should be her who tries to go on dates first and her who has sex outside the marriage first.

If and only if you are both okay with that, then you can start to date.

This way it doesn’t feel like a free-for-all or a competition, but rather, a careful and considered growth in the relationship.

So what is the key to getting your spouse to try new things in bed or to open up the relationship? Make the focus on what they want instead of being a selfish ass. I think we can infer from Cheating SOB’s screen name and the fact that he is trying to hook up with people off Fetlife that he is a self-centered narcissist. But if YOU are not a self-centered narcissist, then I think this can easily work for you.

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Cheating is Everywhere

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I bought a couch the other day off Craigslist. I went to see it, and I liked it. But I didn’t have a truck with me. So, I talked with the guy a while until I was sure I trusted him enough to leave him a down payment (so he wouldn’t sell it to someone else) while I went and got myself a way to move it.

When we talked, he told me about his wife and daughter of seven, and how his job as a pilot often took him away from them. As a military spouse, I empathized. He seemed to genuinely love his family.

A few hours later I came back to pick up the couch. I had my friend with me. She immediately recognized the guy, and then an awkward silence followed. She told me as soon as we were alone that she used to place Craigslist ads for kinky meetups, and had dated this guy for a while earlier in the year after he answered one of her ads.

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So this guy spent 20 minutes earlier in the day talking about how much he missed his wife and daughter and how much he loved his family. But then I found out that he was lying to his wife and cheating on her with my friend.

I know that studies show cheating is rampant in “monogamous” relationships, but I just can’t believe how often it comes up in my life.

My husband is a sailor and most of his shipmates are married. Yet when they get to a port that isn’t their home port, most of them make a beeline for the brothels. And who knows? If I didn’t get tested every 6 months because we are in a poly relationship, maybe my husband would too. He knows he can’t- because the chance of getting an STD are so high from a prostitute, and since I get STD tests from all my partners I would know anything we got would be from him.

But if he was with a woman who was less conscious of sex and sexuality, maybe he would join his “happily married” co-workers at the brothels.

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I know a lot of couples who claim to be monogamous, but there are only a few whom I would guess actually are. So many people lie about it, and so I had to think about why.

My guess is this: I think talking about sex is scary for people. I also think society forces the idea of monogamy as an ideal onto us, even though it is not our biological instinct. And I think the combination of those factors make people feel like they have to lie rather than simply admitting that one partner isn’t always enough.

This is probably why I write about polyamory so much. I want people to know that it’s okay. Having sex with people other than your partner is totally possible in a consensual way. But you have to be honest with each other. You can’t lie about it. You have to talk about it and set limits and boundaries and find your comfort zones.

I guess I hope that if I just keep writing about it, more people will be exposed to the idea and eventually it won’t be so taboo. Because right now, people are sneaking around and this is helping STDs spread, and fostering a battle of the sexes and a lot of negativity and divorce. It’s out of hand.

I hope the pilot who sold me the couch tells his wife some day that he is cheating with women off Craigslist and they work it out. I hope all the military husbands stop sleeping with hookers when they are away some day. I hope people figure out how to have sex responsibly without putting their relationships in jeopardy some day.

But today does not seem to be that day.

 

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Secrets and Lies

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After some of the shit I’ve seen lately, I think I need to start by saying I love my husband. Pet; you’re wonderful and I hope you realize how glad I am to have you. 

On to the topic of secrets and lies:

I can’t believe some things require saying, but life is full of weird situations and I understand that sometimes it’s hard to avoid things that you’d maybe rather not do.

But look; secrets and lies are bad.

I come from a very sex-positive mindset. I trade STD tests with potential partners and get myself screened every six months. I am in a happy, healthy, poly marriage. I am a straight-forward, no-nonsense kind of person.

With that said; not everyone can be this way. People find themselves in weird situations. For example, in the military it is very against the rules to have sex with someone who is of lower rank, because they could feel coerced and this is comparable to rape in the eyes of our armed forces.

But if you are of a high rank, and there is no one else around that is, what are you supposed to do? Star Trek TNG confronted this a few times. A good example would be the episode where Jean Luc falls for one of his officers and then has to send her into danger on a planet. They discuss the moral issues involved with that, and the emotional ones. And in the end they decide it isn’t worth it.

Now I don’t know if you guys are Star Trek fans, but I think if Jean Luc Picard can fall into a moral quandary over sex, then I’m sure the rest of us can too.

So what to do in these situations?

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Well the key BDSM rule is “safe, sane, and consensual.” I think that applies to all things.

But let’s look at an example or two.

There is a couple I am friends with who just broke up. And two weeks after the break up, the guy got married to a completely different and seemingly random girl.

Now, he swears that he never cheated in the 5 years he was with his girlfriend in a monogamous relationship. But I don’t know which is worse. Cheating is pretty bad (cheating as defined by lying to your partner about who you’re having sex with). But marrying someone you don’t really know after two weeks is also bad. So I’m not sure what’s up there, but it’s probably bad ju-ju all around.

So the girl went all Carrie Underwood and wrecked all his stuff.

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First: Ladies, let’s be classy. What kind of person does ridiculous shit like wrecking another person’s car or setting their things on fire? Come on. You are better than that. And while I’m at it, don’t hit guys either. Just because they probably won’t hit you back, doesn’t make it okay.

Second: Guys, c’mon. Really. Don’t do shit that is going to get you in trouble. If you have negotiated a monogamous relationship then don’t cheat. If you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, then don’t negotiate one.

I know that for a guy, it’s considered crazy to turn down a girl who wants to have sex with you. But look; it’s all about the greater good. Secrets and lies blow up in your face eventually and it never ends well. Having sex with co-workers, cheating, and other devious shit is bound to get you in trouble.

I know there are grey areas and sometimes it seems like you can have ALL THE THINGS and not get caught. And I know sometimes you just give in to impulses you can’t help and think “Oh fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

But don’t be surprised when things get all fucked up because you lied. And yes, lying by omission totally counts.

If you want to be with someone who needs a monogamous relationship, then you should commit to it.

And well, if you’re like me and you just want to be wild and free; have the courage to tell people that. Defend who you are and your lifestyle, and stand up for yourself. Because if you hide who you are you will become ashamed and full of self-doubt. It’s not a good way to be.

Secrets and lies are bad. And I can’t believe I have to say that, but apparently I do.

And one last note while I’m on a role: Ladies please stop planing your life around guys you just met. It’s weird. Seriously. If you’ve known a guy for a few weeks, or even a few months, do not start naming the kids you want to have together or altering your whole life to be with them. People can get tangled up really quickly. Stuff ends up at the other person’s house, things get borrowed, etc… Don’t get tangled up any quicker than you have to. Be your own person. That’s really important.

If it happens too fast, it’s probably not healthy.

Oh, and for the love of all the gods living and dead, leave me out of it if you’re going to lie.

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Yes of course I get jealous!

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I am currently in a lot of relationships.

I love all of my relationships, even the ones that are sort of paused at the moment due to distance. But I don’t think love requires sexual fidelity.

First, let’s talk about what a monogamous couple calls cheating. This can be simple: No sex acts with someone else. However, my daughter-in-law says it’s also looking at other women, or at porn. I had a friend whose girlfriend thought masturbating was cheating. Yikes!

Let’s say for the sake of argument that porn isn’t “cheating” per se. Let’s call it a grey area, along with looking at other women. We’ll say actual “cheating” in a monogamous relationship is just about committing sex acts with someone else.

(I think this also raises other problems. Falling in love without sex seems like it should fall under the category of “cheating” too; but is it? Some say yes and some say no.)

Either way, I hope we can all agree that choosing only one partner seems terribly unfair to people who are bi.

For examples, some girls are bi and wouldn't be happy without one of each!!

For examples, some girls are bi and wouldn’t be happy without one of each!!

I happen to like girls and boys. What if I want one of each? To be a happy monogamous person, I must choose one gender ONLY and stick with it? That sounds awful!

I hate how there is an ideal version of “love” in people’s eyes. Go ahead. Google image search something simple like “couples in love” and notice that at least the first page of pictures is all one man and one woman together. Why do we feel the need to define love in this way? It makes me as mad as the first time I did a Google image search for “happy families” and realized that every picture on the first page was of white people.

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But let me be clear; being poly doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous. I’m human, and I do get jealous. It’s how humans are. I just think relationships can be more complex than the urge to scream “He’s mine bitch, get away!”

Jealous is a small part of what I feel when a lover of mine has sex with someone else. But there are other feelings there, and they are stronger. For example, at Club Desire when I am watching Pet have sex, I forget all about jealousy and it doesn’t even enter my mind. I’m too busy being proud of how sexy he is and how many girls want to play with him. I like to call him “My little slut” because he really IS a slut, even if most of the people he’s dated never knew that. (No, you shouldn’t keep secrets and I have told Pet that he is bad for sometimes lying to a girl about her being “the only one.”)

The point is; I am often too busy being amused or aroused to think about jealousy. And when I am geographically separated, I am too busy being grateful that someone I love doesn’t feel alone and sad.

I guess the answer to the questions I have received about jealousy is this: Yes, I get jealous because I am a human being. But there are other feelings that are stronger because I am not a monkey. I’m sorry if that sounds rude, but one of my favorite Youtube videographers put it best: (And I promise if you get to the end of this video you won’t regret it.)

Poly Couples

 

I often meet people who are skeptical about poly-amorous relationships. They tell me no relationship is really happy if the people in it sleep with other people. They are deeply rooted in a cultural stereotype that monogamy is the  only path to a happy relationship.  Videos like the one above (Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats) sell an idea that sleeping with more than one person is grounds to destroy property and act irrationally. TV shows and movies all sell the same cultural stereotype, and I have yet to see a portrayal of a poly couple that was actually happy.

Now, on this blog I have defended monogamy in the past. I see nothing wrong with it, and I know that it is right for some people. I respect monogamous relationships, and I don’t sleep with people who are in monogamous relationships.

However, I now feel compelled to defend open relationships. This is a post I have been driven to, by a great many people who tell me that I am not really happy. They stand outside my life, and the judge things they cannot possibly understand. And they tell me that I am not really happy with my choices. Because of this, I have finally been forced into a post I never wanted to write, about why I choose not to be monogamous.

First, let me start by saying that I have tried and succeeded at having a monogamous relationship. It lasted for several years. I never cheated once, though I wanted to and often tried to convince him to have threesomes with me and other girls (which he always refused.) So, it’s not like I am just a whore who can’t walk 10 feet without tripping and landing on a penis. I am an evolved human who can control my baser instincts if I must.

Second, I am bisexual. So for me, being monogamous means giving up either girls, or boys. This is hard for me, as I really enjoy both. I am passionate about women in a way I can’t be with men. I fall for them. I am the kind of person who buys flowers and writes poems and tells them that they are beautiful every single day. I love women. But women are complicated. They have several emotions at once, which often keeps them from just wanting to have simple, uncomplicated sex. I like men for their ability to ignore emotions and just have a good time. I also like them for their loyalty. I do not like to have to choose one or the other, when I adore both so much!

And third, I like variety. Yes, you can do many different things with the same person. You can role play and switch around your BDSM roles. You can wear costumes and play parts and you can choose to look them in the eye or not. I do get that. And I am not discounting the ability to make the same person continue to be interesting after a lot of years of sex with them. That is a real thing. However, it’s not just about sex for me. It’s a psychological thing. I like the way different people react to me. I am so in love with the feeling of people falling in love with me. I am seduced by the act of seduction. I love new experiences through the eyes of new people.

So these are my reasons for being unwilling to enter into a monogamous relationship any longer. I used to allow people to make me feel guilty about these things. I used to let them push me into feeling like I was somehow wrong inside, and that my way of thinking wasn’t okay. But I don’t let people push me around anymore.

I am currently in several relationships. Some are just sexual. Three involve real feelings, and are real relationships complete with love and trust. Each relationship I am in is very important to me. I value each of the people who let me share a part of their lives, and I make sure to show them in every way I can that they mean a great deal to me.

The relationship that means the most to me is with my collared Pet. That is because I love to create cool experiences for people, and I love how adventurous Pet is. He will try anything to impress me, and he usually has fun. I really love open-minded people. And Pet is more than open-minded. He’s excited to be put in situations, even if he may not like them, because he wants to try things before deciding he doesn’t like them. And he’s great to share girls with because he doesn’t get jealous or make things complicated.

Now, I have been told that if we can so casually sleep with other people, it means we don’t love each other. I have tried to be understanding of why people say this, but really it’s just getting frustrating at this point. I love Pet passionately. I love the way he thinks, I love the way he acts, I love his sense of humor, and I love his body. There isn’t anything about him that doesn’t make me swoon. And Pet loves me, too. Our other relationships don’t diminish this in any way, and they never have. (We have always been Poly.)

I didn’t want to write this post. I just got tired of being told by people who don’t understand my relationship that it isn’t a valid life choice. My life choices are my own, and I will never judge you. Please afford me the same courtesy.