I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.
Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.
In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:
First: Person One’s view of Person Two
Second: Person One’s view of Person Three
Third: Person Two’s view of Person One
Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three
Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One
Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two
Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group
As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.
With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.
I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.
However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.
I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.
So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.