Communication is so Important


I have done a lot of posts about poly couples. Obviously it’s a very complicated subject and everyone sets their own relationship rules and boundaries because there isn’t really any standard expectations in a poly relationship.

However, one thing that is always important is communication.

Not long ago, my husband and I had an experience with a vanilla friend of mine who came to visit. She doesn’t often have sex and is nervous around men, so it seemed like it would be good for her to experiment a little in a safe environment. (With my husband because she is straight.)

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However, because she is vanilla, she is uncomfortable talking about sex at all; let alone handling how to talk to me about having sex with my husband.

I really didn’t want to push her boundaries and I didn’t want to force her into a conversation that would be emotionally difficult for her. So, I didn’t. I let her pretend that nothing happened in the morning and I joined her in whatever topic she introduced for conversation.

two beautiful teenage girls talking
After all, respecting other people’s boundaries in one of the most sacred rules of the kink community.

However, it did make me feel icky to not talk/gossip about it afterwards.

I knew that she had only had sex with a few people in her life, and that she wasn’t even cool really talking about dating (she always got uncomfortable and standoffish when I brought it up). I was glad that my husband could help her learn that men are not all scary creatures that you can’t communicate your needs to. I know it was positive for her to be able to have a safe sexual experience that she could use to help her feel more courageous about pursuing romance on her own in the future.


However, I did feel that the lack of direct communication between her and I was upsetting for me. (Of course she is my friend and it was my idea because it has always bothered me that she was afraid of sex/dating.)

I guess I just wanted to say that there is no way to overstate how much healthy communication can help make situations more comfortable and positive for everyone.

In this case, I suppose she’ll keep being my friend as she always has. And maybe in time she will get to a place where she can talk about it. Obviously my husband and I talked about it in detail, as we always do. But no two people ever have the same experience, and each person ascribes their own meaning to things that happen to them. I would have liked to have heard her perspective and been able to share the experience from her side.

Monogamous vanilla people are fine, and I am not saying otherwise. But it does make me appreciate my kinky and poly friends just a tiny bit more. And of course, it makes me appreciate that my husband is able to communicate about things. We would be lost without that.


Talking About Sex: Part Two


In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.




The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.

: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them. People can be very sensitive about sex.


Kink Evolution


Kinky very well might just be the way a person is. It has always seemed that way to me. But ideas that excite us do not always stay static. We all start somewhere, and usually we sort of change bit by bit over time. Most of us start out with simple things. Basic restraints and maybe a blindfold. Some teasing with a feather or maybe even a little novelty flogger.


Most sex shops sell some kind of BDSM starter kit these days, because of the popularity of books dealing with the subject. And of course, household items like kimono ties and karate belts are good starting items.

Over time though, we often get into more complicated stuff. Because most of us that are into BDSM are just addicted to excitement, and to variety and experiences.

A Dom of mine who I adored as a Dom has evolved into more of a Sadist. This is a natural progression for a lot of people. As someone who is not a Masochist, I am ever so slightly disappointed. But I accept it, because I understand that he was bound to evolve.


I think everyone changes over time.

Where a blindfold was once all you needed, maybe a rope suspension starts to seem like a good idea too. And little by little, we wander father and father down the rabbit hole.

I know lots of people who started out saying, “Oh, I’d never play with hooks in my skin.” And before too long, they ended up part of a “hookers” group like suspension merriment. (Yes, that video is taken in a backyard. There aren’t a lot of venues that let hookers work there, and since Suspension Merriment is based out of Arizona, there is never weather to worry about anyway.)

Things that started out as hard limits become soft limits, and then over time they even become things you enjoy.

Kink is all relative. After all, I know vanilla couples who think that anal sex is kinky. To most of us, anal sex is tame, but anal hooks and butt plugs are sort of exciting.

So how do you deal with it when a partner of yours evolves and you don’t?

Well, this is where you find yourself either learning to like new things, or setting limits for them in play. And this is also why polyamory is a good idea in the kink world, because it’s very hard to find someone that matches up 100% with all your kinks. It’s hard to get everything you could ever want from just one person. (Though I’m not saying it is impossible.)


My toy bag has grown a lot over the years to include new and different things. I think that is pretty normal, according to what I have seen.

The real key is constant communication. Always figure out a way to express your needs. If you can’t do it in person (too shy or something) then try writing e-mails or letters. I prefer in-person myself, but because people can be shy, I also accept written scene ideas. I do prefer paper-and-pen letters to e-mail though, because we all know Google and the NSA are reading our electronic correspondence.

Anyway find a way to talk to your partners or partners and tell them what you need. And if you can try new things and evolve together, that’s always best.