Parts of a Scene

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A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

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Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

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Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do.  Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

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Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

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Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

50 Shades of Grey

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For the longest time I saw no point in reviewing this book. I saw no point in writing a blog about it, or even bringing it up. I didn’t even know what to say, and in any case, it has been written about over and over by so many people that one more voice didn’t seem like it would add much to the collective dialogue.

I mean, even Dave Barry wrote about 50 Shades of Grey! I definitely didn’t see that one coming. (But it was really funny and you should read it.)

My point is: everything that could be said had been said, and I didn’t know what I could possible add.

But a recent Google search for something kinky again pulled up more 50 Shades of Grey links and pictures, and I found myself miserable that a community I have been in for so long is associated with something so bad. I suddenly felt that this was an “if you see something, say something” situation like stopping men from harassing women or anyone from beating a child. I didn’t care if it had all been said. I was going to say it again!

So first, I have a reading list of good books related to kink that you can read. So you should know right away that there are excellent source materials out there that are not very bad erotic fiction written by someone clueless about kink.

Second, let’s talk about the BDSM slogan: “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.”

It is not safe to date someone who stalks you. It is not safe to date someone who forces you away from your friends and insists on you keeping things a secret. Those are the behaviors of abusers, and you need to stay away from abusive men and women. No one should ever try to isolate you from loved ones like your friends and family, and no one should ever come to your home after you tell them to leave you alone. It’s not healthy to break boundaries that are set by your partner, and is not sane behavior to stalk someone.

And remember that consent is a really big deal. I totally make people fill out consent forms. I have them fill out checklists over tea. I do intense scene negotiations to make sure I am clear on what someone is okay with. And that is how BDSM is supposed to be.

The relationship in 50 Shades of Grey is super unhealthy, as plenty of people before me have said.

I read the book because of a friend of mine named Doctor Xtreme who makes interesting sex toys. He lives in Denver Colorado, and he reported to me that the book store near his house had a pallet of the first 50 Shades book brought in each day and sold out by nightfall. Of course, he was in no way implying that it was a good book. Only that it was a popular book.

Why does that matter? Well, as many have said, it reflects upon the community.

And the truth is, this unhealthy relationship between Ana and Christian reflects very poorly on our community. It will bring new people to our munches and fetish proms who are looking for abusive relationships; coming to us with horrible standards for what they think BDSM is.

It was also pretty awful writing. As an avid reader my entire life, I think I can say that. It was very hard to get through already for ideological reasons, but then I also had to force myself to keep reading (the way I do with a dull textbook for a college course that I’m not into.)

And now they are going to make a movie of the first book, and when that goes well, I bet they make the whole set. I am dreading it. It’ll bring it all out into the public eye again where we all have to discuss it some more, and that won’t be any fun at all.

Anyway, I just wanted to add my voice to those arguing for safe and consensual sex. I hope in the future, more people will come to realize that the BDSM community is a wonderful place, and that 50 Shades of Grey is not representative of us.

Fanstasies are Just That

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I have heard a lot of questions about rape victims and certain types of play. Some people in the BDSM community seem to want a uniform answer to what is okay, and what is not okay. And that isn’t possible.

The answer is always that what you are comfortable with is what is okay. No more, and no less.

I’m not just saying this as someone with experience in the community. I’m saying this as a rape victim. For me; I was able to divorce the feelings I had to my traumatic experience from feelings to do with play. But not everyone can.

Either way, you are not wrong.

If you want to play a rape fantasy and you have been raped, then it might be your way of dealing with it. Or it might have nothing to do with it and be completely separate in your head. If you have been raped and you do NOT want to play rape fantasies, that is okay too. It might be that it reminds you too much of what happened to you. It might just be an upsetting concept to you regardless of what has happened to you. All those feelings are valid.

Women who have not been raped and want to play this kind of fantasy often feel guilty, like it means they actually want to be raped. Obviously it does not. Consenting to a fantasy is very different than a non-consensual attack.

How ever you feel about certain fantasies you have or certain kinds of play, it’s alright.

This is similar to how men sometimes think that if they want to be pegged, it means they are gay. Wanting to be get fucked in the ass makes sense for men, because the prostate is a huge pleasure center and that is where it is located. It doesn’t make you gay any more than wanting to play a rape fantasy means a woman wants to get raped. When we have fantasies about certain types of play, it doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning.

(*And if it does have a deeper meaning, that is okay too. Some people use play to work through issues they have, and that is fine as long as your partner can be understanding and supportive.)

Also, let me explain something important because /r/theredpill and other “men’s rights” groups that advocate force exist : Rape is a horrible crime. It takes away a woman’s power, her self-respect, and her sense of control over her own body. To be helpless and violated against your will is the worst thing you can do to a person. There his nothing okay about it. So remember that we are talking about FANTASIES and not anything real.

It is never okay to drug a woman, pressure her to get drunk, or do anything else so that you can take advantage of her once she is unconscious. It is never okay to force a woman into anything. No means no.

In some states there are laws being talked about to say that instead of “no means no” we should be talking about “yes means yes.” I agree with that. If you ask someone if they want to have sex and they don’t answer with yes, then you should not have sex with them. Woman sometimes freeze up when they have been taught to be passive and not to argue (many religions teach this behavior to women.) They might be terrified to say no, but would never say yes because they don’t want to. Respect that.

In fact, I make people I sleep with sign consent forms. These forms contain information about what methods we agreed on to prevent pregnancy and STDs, as well as what we agree to do. I think if more people used consent forms, the world would be a better place.

Restrictions-apply

Remember that with fantasies, if you are comfortable, then it is okay. And guys who struggle with this; trust your lovers. If they say it is okay, then it is okay. Trust your partner to know their limits.

Sometimes you think you’re okay with something and then it turns out that you are not. That is okay too. It’s okay to test yourself, and it’s okay to find out you can’t handle things that you thought you could. Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences. There are no rules here. There are no easy answers.

I also want to point out that trauma can present itself in funny ways. For me, the thing I draw the line at is opening my eyes during sex. I just can’t do it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to give it a shot with people I loved. But it’s too upsetting and I can’t handle it because my rapist made me look him in the eyes. For me there is a connection there that I can’t shake.

The people I have played with have often found this odd. One person was kind of mean about it; saying it meant that I didn’t trust him. That was very rude of him, and he shouldn’t have been so disrespectful of a hard limit that I can’t change for anyone.

There is no kind of play that is inherently wrong. As an exmaple, rape fantasies are common and it isn’t sinister to have one.

If you have discussed it, and you’re both okay with it, then try whatever feels right to you. It’s okay if some things are comfortable for you and some are not. The mind is a complicated place, and no one but you can judge your fantasies or your desires. Let yourself experience the things you want, and let those experiences help you on your way to understanding yourself.

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While we’re sort of on the subject, I just want to make one other point. There are a lot of people who make jokes about rape. And I just want you to know that IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s not okay to joke about it. It’s not okay to make light of anyone else’s trauma.

Do not tell a woman that she should “get over it” Do not try to set a time limit on mental damage, and say “well it’s been more than a decade, so how could it still bother you?”

Time does not heal all wounds. Things I don’t talk about or think about much still effect my behavior today, and that is okay. We can only see the world through the filter of our perspective, and we are all shaped by the things that happen to us. If bad things happen to  you, it does not make you weak if you can’t forget them or change the effects they had on you. We are all shaped by our experiences. And that is okay.

This is NOT funny

This is NOT funny

Legal Issues

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BDSM and the law is a muddy issue. It always has been. And there is no fool-proof way to ensure that you won’t have issues with the law.

There are people out there already writing about this issue, so you can always do some research about the laws where you live.

But here’s a cheat sheet of easy things to do:

1. Make sure that you have signed consent forms. Every sub, every time. There are forms you can download online. (And of course, it doesn’t hurt to have a checklist of things you consent to.)

2. If you’re not “out” as kinky and you have bruises, people are going to wonder. So make sure that you are ready to explain bruises, cuts, or other marks.

3. Always have a plan for if someone calls the cops. Screaming can cause neighbors to call them. Know what you will say.

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Remember; we are all the face of the community. Each of us represents all of us when we interact with the vanilla world. BDSM has become more mainstream, but it is still shrouded in mystery to the vanilla world and some people will have a negative opinion of us from the start.

I may never meet you. We may not know each other. But we are all part of a community, and we should all try to remember that when we have interactions with the vanilla world.

Remember; safe, sane, and consensual!

Just pictures

I have so many pictures I really love, and even though I have posted some of them before, I wanted to do a post that was JUST about seeing the things in my world. So, here goes:

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

So in South Korea they have these penis parks like Jeju Loveland, where you go and look at statues of people having sex, and of penises and such. This is a wind chime made of wooden penises.

Just a sex statue

A sex statue

I think this is supposed to be the god Pan fucking a woman. If you go to Korea, you really have to check out the penis parks!

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I don’t have many pictures from fetish events or play parties. Cameras are not allowed in most situations because no one wants to be “outed” as being kinky. So while you won’t see a picture of me, you can see my hand grabbing one of my pets.

My favorite shirt that I own

My favorite shirt that I own

I never get to wear this shirt. It’s not really okay in most social situations. But I fucking love it!

Just toys laid out for the night

Just toys laid out for the night

I love when you lay out your toys for the night and then sit waiting for your victim to arrive…

Nothing major. Just some claw marks.

Claw marks.

I didn’t feel like pulling out the whips and chains, but I still left my mark.

Just a bag of stuff for a play party

A bag of stuff for a play party

Off to a play party, so I had to pack of bag of clothes and toys! Oh- how I love a good play party with fun people!

Collars!

Collars!

I love collars! Decorative, play, or ownership collars; it doesn’t matter. They’re all so great!

Toys!

Toys!

Another night of fun all laid out on the table and ready for the pets to arrive.

Blindfolds

Blindfolds

I love going to Everland because of the blindfolds… (So much better than a plain one, yes?)

At a show

At a show

I have mentioned Element a440 before. They do songs about whips and chains and they are great dungeon music. In addition, their stage show involves tying girls to crosses…

From a play party

From a play party

I just love the crops next to the veggie tray. I wish I could take more pictures at play parties, but…

Rope suspension

Rope suspension

Now, even with his face blocked, you can tell this is my brilliant friend Hexavier. Most people I know wouldn’t let me “out” them on my blog, but Hexavier is a special breed. He’s also the best at rope work that I have ever seen, and he built his own rig.

Punishment room

Punishment room

In Korea they used to spank people as a punishment. This is one of the spanking rooms. I am not making this up. This was a serious government punishment.

Bondage bunny

Bondage bunny

I haven’t really ever done a post about furries. I probably should. There is certainly some kinky furry sex at Fetish Proms…

Whips!

Whips!

This is just some of the toys we had at a play party that we threw. So many choices!

Paperwork

Paperwork

Remember, paperwork is important! Do not play with a sub until you have a signed consent form. It never hurts to go over a checklist as well.

Still my favorite

Still my favorite

Of all the pictures ever taken of Pet and I, this is my favorite. It’s better than our wedding photos.

Remembering...

Remembering…

And of course, fliers from some of my shows. Play parties are private and in someone’s home. It’s a small group, and yes they sometimes turn into an orgy. Erotic balls and fetish proms are a way of showing off your kink in pubic by dressing up, watching performances, etc…