Club Sanctuary

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Oregon has a few options for swingers clubs like The Velvet Rope and Club Privata. They sometimes do kink nights with suspensions and toys, but they don’t have fully-equipped dungeons. For dungeons, there were only a few private choices like Meadhall.  If you weren’t friends with the owners, then you were stuck checking Fetlife.com for kink events put on at various clubs like the Bossanova Ballroom.

So when I heard about Club Sanctuary opening up, I was extremely excited! Portland has needed a public dungeon space, and now they have one.

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Imagine my disappointment when I found out that they have cameras in the front room! I had just written a post about being outed and how it was NOT okay. Then I find out that this dungeon keeps video of the people who play there. That makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Now it’s true, the cameras are only in the main room. And yes, you could wear a mask and clothes that hide any visible scars or tattoos. And if that is your thing, then you should do it. My Pet had a lot of fun there playing kinky Jenga, and if you are fine with being on video at a dungeon, then I highly recommend it.

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Unfortunately, I come from a very old-school way of thinking after 20 years in the kink community, and I am not okay with being outed or risking video evidence of me in a dungeon. So, I did not go in.

I am pleased to say that Pet had a good time. He talked to the owners and said that they seem nice. And he felt that it was at least as nice as the CSPC used to be, minus the library and learning annex.

As for me, if they decide to get rid of the cameras, I will be happy to go. Until then, I can only tell you that if your personal threshold for exposure is lower than mine, you will probably like it and you should check it out.

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Promoting Your Blog

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I have never actually promoted this blog.

I wouldn’t really know how to start, I guess. I have had a few guest posts over the years, and those have helped gather me a few loyal fans.

I have even done a few guest posts as well, because I am told that is an important thing to do in order to network in the blogging world.

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In addition, I have written about some popular places like Club Desire, and that has helped me gain a few followers as well. And there’s posts about awesome places like The Velvet Rope and the CSPC. That helps.

It’s been three years, and I still only get about 150 hits a day on the site. However, I consider that pretty good when I think about how I started out “screaming into the void” without a single follower.

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However, I do want to ask for advice. I don’t want to hire an SEO company or anything sketchy like that.

I am just curious how other people promote their blogs, or if you had any suggestions. I am hardly a professional blogger. I just do this in my free time. However, I know some of you that read are professional bloggers, and I thought you might have tips.

As always, you can get in touch with me via my email at ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

(Or you can leave a comment on this post, of course.)

Thanks for reading!

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Tips for Keeping a Sexual Relationship Healthy

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A recent conversation with a friend prompted this post. I don’t know if it will help him, but perhaps it will be helpful to some of you.

Disclaimer: I am half of a poly couple, which means I cheat and get ideas from sex with other people.

In a monogamous relationship, sometimes things can begin to feel stale in the bedroom. In particular, if you live with someone, it can be hard to switch from “comfortable companion mode” to “sexy mode.”

Hours spent comfortably in another person’s presence can get you used to them being around in a non-sexual way. Not the mention the fact that you see a person you live with at their worst, when they are stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea or lying in the dark with a migraine. It can be harder to see someone as a sexual being after seeing them in sweatpants.

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Another problem is the “they’ll be here tomorrow” mentality.  When you live with someone, you see them every day (usually). This means that you might put off initiating sex today, because you can always do it tomorrow. (Pun intended.)

Anyway, here are my ideas to help sexualize your relationship:

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First, most sex therapists recommend setting aside designated sex time. This is a great idea because it takes the pressure off of the person initiating sex. They know that they don’t have to, because you have prearranged to meet in the bedroom at 9pm on Friday and have sex.

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It may not sound very sexy, but it can be. It gives people an excuse to buy candles, lingerie, make a sexy playlist, or whatever they have been thinking about but putting off. It also gives a time and place, so that both parties can mentally prepare. Maybe one of you is showering. Maybe one of you is watching a sexy movie. Whatever. You have a set time, so you can both do thinks you like to get in the mood.

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Second, talking is always the best way to deal with sexual tension (or tension about a lack of sex.) If you are nervous, do this in a way that you think you can handle. Love letters, sexy emails, naughty text messages, and other means of indirect communication can be a good start.

Ideally, you want to move to a place where you can talk in person. For that, I recommend laying in bed cuddling in the dark. You don’t want to try to talk about sex at the dining room table, particularly if you aren’t feeling very sexy. But if you can agree to be in the dark, while maintaining physical contact, it will make it easier to talk about the underlying feelings that led to the bedroom issues in the first place.

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Often as men age, they have more trouble getting erections. This can lead to them feeling ashamed, and women blaming themselves. But it can also be hard to talk about. So get into bed, turn off the lights, and admit:

“I feel less manly because I have trouble getting an erection.”

“I feel like I am too fat or not sexy enough, and like it is my fault.”

You will find that you’re both hurt by a thing that is actually out of your control (it’s just a physical issue with soft tissue not getting enough blood flow.) From there, you can decide what to do. Perhaps you decide to just both put more effort into foreplay and not focus so much on penetration. Perhaps you decide to see a doctor and get medication. Whatever. Work it out together, and you will both be better for it.

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Third, try new stuff. If this means reading blogs like mine to get ideas, okay. If it means watching porn, okay. It doesn’t matter where you get your ideas. At a place called the CSPC is Seattle, they often have workshops on things like Erotic Massage or Impact Play, and classes in new things can be very helpful, so that when you try them you feel confident.

You can try toys. Or, there is always role play. Sexy clothes can be fun, too.

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My point is; if you try new things and don’t like them that’s okay. You don’t have to try role play and find out that you want to do it all the time for it to help your relationship. Just the act of trying new things together can be a sharing experience that makes you both feel more connected and in touch with each other.

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Fourth, try working out. If you find that you’re not in the mood as often as you used to be, this could very well be a hormone issue. Both men and women produce more testosterone when they work out, and this is a hormone associated with desire to have sex.

Besides, it’s possible that some of the lack of sex you’re having is due to the body issues of one or both parties. That is a completely valid feeling, particularly in a culture that sexualizes twigs passing themselves off as human. It’s common to feel ugly or unattractive, which can lead to not wanting to have sex. So if you burn a few extra calories, maybe it will help?

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Related to this is compliments. If you are concerned that your partner is feeling unattractive, or even if you are not, it never hurts to compliment them. Passing observations like “I like your hair today” or “That shirt looks good on you” are awesome. But you can also do more sexy compliments where you come up behind your partner and whisper in their ear. Things like “When you wear that, I want to tear all your clothes off” or “Seeing you standing here looking beautiful makes me so proud to be with you” can be useful tools to help your partner feel sexy.

And remember, when you and your partner both feel sexy, you’ll have better sex more often.

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Finally, you can always seek counseling. Most people feel uncomfortable seeking counseling for sex, because it’s such a taboo topic to talk about. However, if you are having trouble maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, then you are going to struggle as a couple. So put your fears aside, and think about seeing someone for help and advice.

No matter what you do, remember that you both have the same goal. You want to have a happy relationship, and a part of that is sex.

I would hope that anyone who reads my blog is smart enough to know the basics: Women don’t cum from penetration, everyone deserves an orgasm in sex, it doesn’t have to be centered around the male orgasm, etc. The shared goal of mutual pleasure is an important component to a relationship, and resentment can build up when you go long periods without having sex. So keep calm, remember you both want the same thing, and then figure out how to get what you want.

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Rope Bondage

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Lately, I have been asked a lot about how to get better at rope bondage. I must admit, rope bondage isn’t something I do. I have talked before about how I prefer gear ties and cuffs. However, I have nothing but respect for those who practice this noble art.

Because I can’t tell you a lot about how to do it, I wanted to give you some resources:

The Two Knotty Boys are wonderful! I saw them do a show at the CSPC in Seattle, and I can’t tell you how impressed I was. They move with a style and grace that is rivaled by few.

My other recommendation is Twisted Monk. They can give you good ideas. If you visit their page, you’ll find lots of useful instructional videos that you can watch and practice along with. If you want to learn the art of rope bondage, these are some men who can help.

Please remember to keep safety in mind. One of the reasons I don’t do rope bondage is because I worry about missing the signs and causing damage to my rope bunny. Remember to keep something handy to cut ropes fast, just in case a toe starts turning blue!

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Guilt

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I am going to be ridiculous right now and I am sorry for that. But, I hate living on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere. I am thousands of miles from any good kink communities, and the dating scene here is a nightmare.

So, what have a been doing?

I work a lot. And I snorkel. And I miss things like Cupcake Fetish Parties, the CSPC, and Club Desire. I have been so many cool places and done so many cool kinky things. And now I am here.

I will make peace with this. But for now, I fear I have nothing to write about. I am stranded on an island with nothing much going on. I miss kink. I miss having things to write about here. But I guess this chapter of my life doesn’t get to include much of that, beyond what my husband and I do at home.

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The Center For Sex Positive Culture

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I recently went to the CSPC, (the Center for Sex Positive Culture.) I had been meaning to check it out for awhile, but of course, I never had the chance.

When I moved to Portland I vowed I would make the drive to Seattle to see what the CSPC was all about, and at long last, I finally did.

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It is everything I was told it would be. The library of both kinky books and kinky pornography was very impressive. I was pleased to see the vast array of kink resources and the helpful librarian who was more than happy to answer questions.

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She let me photograph this sign, which was awesome of her. But of course, she was very clear that I wasn’t allowed to take pictures in the dungeon space that would be posted on the internet. Sex clubs are always against cameras, (or so it seems from my travels and the places I have been) but it seemed excessive since I toured the club while it was closed and there was no people around.

I guess you’ll just have to be satisfied with pictures I found online when I Googled the club.

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In addition to the library, there are two event spaces. Both include a kitchen, bathrooms, and play spaces to do scenes or have sex. It was pretty standard as far as dungeons go, and I didn’t see anything I hadn’t seen before.

The major difference is that the CSPC is not a secret club. They are registered with the city of Seattle as a kinky sex club/dungeon. And as far as I  know, they are the only such place on Earth that is open to the public. You do not have to invite yourself to this dungeon. You can just go there.

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So if you’re ever in Seattle, check it out. It’s progressive. It’s nifty. It’s not something you see every day.

Limits

This would be fine at a club or maybe even at a park at night, but during the day in a park full of children, can’t we all admit it’s rude?

This post is one that has been welling up in my brain for awhile. I have been doing my best not to say anything, but sometimes I just can’t force myself to be silent on an issue. So here’s the thing- the internet is full of people with very little experience in the world of BDSM, but with really big mouths.

Sure, there are amazing people like Midori, who actually are helping to educate the world and make BDSM more palatable to the masses. I am thankful for people like that, and I never wrote anything before this blog because I always figured there were enough people like her out there, fighting for acceptance and teaching safe and fun ways to play.

However, there is a very dangerous group that is not helping, and they are mostly only online.

I want to stress that at munches and dungeons, I have only met sane people who do not speak of play without emphasizing safety and consent. I have been out and about all over the world, and all the people I have met have been wonderful and kind.

Yet on the internet, it seems people get stupid. The community of reddit has a forum devoted to BDSM, and don’t dare suggest there are logical limits to play in THAT forum! I can’t believe how much I have been chewed out for being the only sane person in a room of crazy.

Here is an example: The picture above shows a Dominatrix and her submissive out in a public park where children can walk around and be exposed to this blatant display of BDSM. I understand that a lot of people get off on throwing who they are in other’s faces. I know a lot of people are into exhibitionism and that is their kink. I respect all different kinds of people and their right to play.

However, when you play in public, you are exposing everyone around to your sexual fantasies. When the photographer who took this picture flipped out on me for saying it made the community look bad, I couldn’t believe how many people were ready to jump on the bandwagon and agree.

No one I have ever met at a dungeon would say such a thing. No one I have ever met at a dungeon would do such a thing. I assure you, as someone who has been in the kink scene for more than half my life, people hate us when we throw our lifestyle in their faces and no one who really cares about the community wants to breed hate for what we do.

I’d like it if we could all agree to keep BDSM in dungeons like the CSPC and in private homes. I’d like it if we could all agree that daytime, in a public park around children, it’s not cool to have your slave polish your boots.

Also, online there are a lot of people that talk about how totally okay and safe breath play and blood play and other such things are.

Now look; I’m not trying to tell you how to be kinky and I’m not trying to step on your toes. If you want to fuck a grandmother while sucking on your boyfriend’s toes and eating cheese- then do your thing (assuming everyone consents and is cool with it.) Seriously people- do your thing.

I remember when I was 16 and I saw my first hook suspension and I cringed. The skin stretched at least 14 inches off the guys’ back when he was lifted up and the blood that dripped down from the holes in his back looked so freaky… I was pretty horrified at first. But over time I started to think it was pretty cool and have seen several suspensions from groups like Life Suspended since then. A lot of kink can grow on you, like suspension did on me.

And some kink has never grown on me. Adult diapers and baby play is one example of stuff that, while I am not opposed to it, I wouldn’t seek out or watch porn of it.

However, I am never going to pretend that all kink is safe and okay. There is lots of stuff that I think should be discouraged. I don’t think we have to tell people that drinking blood from random people is okay. Yes, we’re supposed to be open and accepting. Yes, we’re a group of people on the outside of society and so we shouldn’t act exclusive and we shouldn’t judge people. That’s all very true. AND YET, some people do take things too far and it’s okay to say so. If those people are putting themselves in danger, or if they they are making the community look bad and making life harder for all of us, it’s okay for us to have a problem with that.

We should be kind to each other. We should do our best to remember that we are on the same side. And when someone is acting unreasonably or unsafe, we should be able to say so.

I see a lot of common sense and decency from people in person. Let’s not loose it in online groups, and let’s make sure to call out the trolls encouraging stupid things.

PS- Portfolio of photographer from above here: http://jehy.carbonmade.com/