Dating Woes

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I sometimes use this blog to vent, and this is one of those times. I know first dates are difficult, and kink first dates are more complicated than most. And yet, even in a complicated subculture, I expect better than my recent meeting.

Recently I was talking with a guy off fetlife.com, and he seemed like a pretty decent human. I agreed to meet him because I hate wasting time chatting with someone for weeks on end only to find out that they are gross in person.

(In my opinion, this is an attitude that most people in their 30’s have. It’s a huge waste of time to message back and forth like teenagers while being nervous about meeting up. I just want to look people in the eyes and see if they are cool or not first thing.)

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We met in a park by my house (it’s a public place so I know I am safe, but not a place where I am obligated to buy anything because I am cheap), and that was when I realized that this guy was clueless.

I mean straight-up without a damn clue.

He had only ever watched kink porn, and it was obvious that he was conflicted about actually doing a kinky thing. It was also obvious that he didn’t look at people in the scene as people; but rather as nothing more than vehicles to fulfill a fantasy that he is ashamed of.

Not only that, but he confessed after some nervous pacing that he is married, and his wife doesn’t know that he’s even into kink.

Best part: I was supposed to just be chill with all those issues.

Like I said: Clueless.

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I didn’t even know where to begin in terms of saying “This really isn’t cool.” I knew it had to wait until he was not in the same place as me because his pacing made me think he could become violent.

So, I waited until we parted ways and then I sent him a message.

It would have been a public service for me to explain to him all the various things that he did wrong. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like getting into a long conversation about why you shouldn’t spend the first date only talking about what you want while pacing like a psycho.

In the message, I just told him that I wasn’t okay with the fact that he lies to his wife. (Which is true. If my husband lied to me I wouldn’t be happy at all.)

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BDSM requires trust, and honesty. That definitely means that you shouldn’t lie to your wife.

However, women who are kinky are also people. No really, we are people. So we aren’t really keen to hear all about your fantasies and all your selfish wants, rather than having you ask us what we are interested in.

You know what else: noobs suck. Be a decent human being and read up on the kink community first before you waste someone’s time on a date. Learn. Read. Get a clue. Don’t go out with someone from the community when you have never been to a single kink event, don’t know anything about it, and have a bunch of issues in your head about kink because you haven’t accepted yourself yet.

And finally, don’t act like a psycho. Pacing like crazy and being unable to talk like a normal person is weird. Don’t be weird.

Gods I hate dating.

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Dick Pictures

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We have all gotten unwanted dick pictures out of nowhere.

You say “Hi, how are you?”

And they surprise you with an unwanted picture of a small, vein-covered penis.

Guys claim that they do it because they think that we want to see. But we know that’s not true, don’t we? The guys who send surprise penis pictures are trying to assert their dominance over a woman to feel good about themselves, just like the guys who cat call.

It’s like: “Haha, you looked at my dick! I own your eyeballs you slut.”


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A lot of this can be blamed on online dating, because of course, very few men used to flash their penises on first dates back when I was young.

Online dating is a real mixed bag.

It’s good, because you can more easily find someone who shares your interests. However it’s also bad, because anonymity can make some people into real assholes.

If someone has never met you in person, it can seem easier to spam your inbox with dick pictures. They don’t know you, so if you are offended, then who cares? You’re not a person yet.

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On the other hand, it’s more than just online dating and increased anonymity, in my opinion. There are some real issues that we are facing as a culture.

One example is how dating happens these days. We used to have a formula for it in the form of “courting.” There were set expectations and everyone knew what part they were supposed to play.

And yet, courting was inherently sexist, and so it died a slow death as feminism took hold and women started to get rights and become full citizens.

We still haven’t replaced it with anything.

“Netflix and Chill” is not dating. It’s just an excuse to hook up without the trouble of going to a club (because after all, Millennials are poor.)

I can’t help but feel like everyone, both men and women, are frustrated now. We don’t have a formula for how to relate to each other, and we’re all just muddling through trying to figure it out. That’s not easy for anyone, and frustrated people do rude things like sending unsolicited penis pictures to strangers.

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On top of that, there has been a switch from socializing in person at coffee shops and clubs to socializing online.

I am not saying that social media is bad. I really like social media! And, I think that it’s wonderful to be able to easily keep in touch with my friend in Pakistan or my friends in Korea.

However, some people don’t combine social media with actual social interaction. They become detached and distant from other people, and that makes them angry. These angry, detached people sometimes become something horrible: Men’s Rights Activists.

Basically, men’s rights activists think that they are at war with women (who are evil and only want to steal from them.) They do things like pose as interested suitors online, and then send dick pictures or say awful things. They plan dates, and then don’t show up. They actively try to hurt women for fun, and then they brag about it in online forums.

This is a problem we all need to take seriously, because we are in this life together and we need each other. Human beings are companionable animals. It’s important for men and women to fall in love, and to find happiness. Sowing the seeds of discord only lessens the potential joy of us all.

So the next time you get an unwanted penis picture, maybe don’t say “Ew, fuck off!”

Ask why they sent it. Try to talk to them (but not in person.) Let’s remember that “the battle of the sexes” was a ridiculous thing dreamed up by generations of the past. There is no need for us to carry it on.

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Valentine’s Day

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Yes, Valentine’s Day is a stupid Hallmark Holiday. That’s true. But it means a lot to some people, and this can get very complicated if you are poly. So, what do you do when you are in three relationships and everyone wants to be together on Valentine’s Day or go to a Valentine’s day event together?

I wish there was an easy answer to that question.

The truth is, there are no easy answers and it’s simply a matter of doing a lot of negotiation and figuring out how to find a solution that works for everyone.

Basic Tips That May Help:

1. Do not commit to anything until you are sure! If your primary says “Can I go out with someone else for Valentine’s Day?” and you say yes, make sure you mean it. Don’t think you can get a date, not get a date, and then sit alone hating someone who gave you a fair chance to say no.

By the same token, do not commit to going on a date and then back out at the last minute because someone has a meltdown. Honor your commitments, and take care of hurt feelings on the right person’s time.

2. Don’t try to be with everyone at once. I know, it’s hard. Maybe you are on a date and someone else is texting you, and you know they are home alone and sad. Maybe you want to keep checking on them. Don’t.

You need to do your best to be where you are when you are. If you negotiated a date with someone, don’t go out with them and then spend all your time on the phone with someone else.

3. Be mindful of gifts. Maybe that guy you went on three dates with doesn’t need a card. But your boyfriend of a year does, and your primary probably deserves a very thoughtful and creative gift.

Whatever you do, do not just get everyone the same thing!

There’s probably a lot more, but those are just a few basic things that might be good to keep in mind. Remember, if you don’t know something it is okay to ask. You can say “Do you need me to spend Valentine’s Day with you?” or “Do you feel that we have known each other long enough to exchange gifts?” And remember, if you are asked these kinds of questions, please be honest. If you don’t communicate the things you want, you are not very likely to get them.

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To my beautiful Pet:

Thank you for being the very best part of my day, every single day. There are many people that I love, but no one else that I like to be with day in and day out. I never get tired of you.

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

I love you.

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Hitting on a Girl

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This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use fetlife.com and okcupid.com to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.

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Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.

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Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the  better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!

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Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.

Things You May Not Know

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A recent reddit thread upset me to no end, and I want to talk about that.

It was a thread about Herpes, so naturally, most of the people in the thread had HSV-1 or HSV-2.

As such, they all talked about it with this completely cavalier attitude. “It’s no big deal,” one random idiot said to me. “It’s only made to sound like a big deal because drug companies want to make money off of treatments.”

Wrong.

I am going to set the record straight for all the people in that thread right the hell now: If you have ANY kind of STD at all it really, really IS a big deal. And if you knowingly spread it to other people because “It’s just a rash, so who cares?” then you should be locked away for the rest of your goddamn life.

 

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Lots of people in this thread confessed that they did not tell sexual partners about their infection, even though they knew there was a 70% chance of passing the virus to their partner even while using a condom.

I have said before that it only takes one cell for an STD to be passed from carrier to new host. I have said that condoms aren’t enough, and that you need to have clean STD tests going back 6 months. (By which I mean, one from right then, and one from 6 months back.) I have again and again cautioned that STDs are spread by skin to skin contact, and a condom does not prevent some guys balls from touching your ass and giving you a rash you’ll have for the rest of your life.

And I am pleading with all of you; take this seriously.

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(And I’m going to show you some very graphic images so you might take this more seriously.)

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Obviously, what I want is for everyone to get tested often.

I do.

And I think every single responsible adult should. Because if you end up with an STD that can not be treated, then you need to stop having sex with people that don’t have that STD. Seriously. And I don’t care how much that sucks for you.

I knew a girl when I was living in South Korea who had HSV-2. (That means she had genital herpes.) And she would often take guys home from the bar and have sex with them. She justified this with excuses like “Well I was drunk” or “We used a condom” or “I’m not having an outbreak right now.”

I want to dispel all those myths right now:

1. I don’t care how drunk you are. If you have an incurable disease there is no fucking excuse for spreading it.

2. Condoms are only 30% effective in preventing the spread of Herpes between partners. Ergo, that still isn’t okay.

3. The virus “sheds” even when you are not having an outbreak and so YES you can absolutely pass it on when you don’t have sores.

4. And, because I hear this one a lot too, NO it does not matter if you are taking medicine to help prevent you from having outbreaks. You are still contagious. You are always contagious. Period. We have no way to prevent the spread of Herpes.

I am not saying you can never ever have sex again. Far from it. You CAN have sex with the millions of other people who are already infected, just like you. There are loads of special dating sites just for people who are HIV positive and HSV positive.

But the sheer amount of infected people on reddit who told me the disease was “no big deal” and that they’re fine with spreading it made me furious.

Look, I want you all to take a moment and consider this amazing fact:

STDs could die out in one generation if we stopped spreading them. 

Think about that. I mean really think about it. Sure, 10,000 years ago there was no way to kill off an STD. No one could get tested, and loads of people can just be carriers and never actually have symptoms. So all those people spreading STDs couldn’t really prevent it the way we can now.

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See now, you can get tested. And if you find out you have something, you can choose to be a responsible adult and not have sex with people who don’t have it. You can choose to not spread it. And if everyone does this, STDs will not get passed on. The viruses will die out. And we’ll make a way better world for everyone.

Now, I ask for STD tests before sex. I do this to spite the fact that I mostly go for innocent-type folks who haven’t slept around. I do this even if I trust them. And I get a lot of negative reactions. People can be downright mean.

“This means you don’t trust me.”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get an STD test?”

“Why should I have to prove I don’t have an STD if we use condoms?”

Etc… etc…

And society is on the side of these folks. That’s why I know preppies who actually brag that they have never been tested, because they’re happier not knowing if they have something. No one wants to talk about STDs. Even my fucking doctor last time I went for a test was a dick about it.

“Well,” he said, “why do you want the test? I mean, what have you been doing? Anyway the HSV tests are expensive and you should only get them if you think you have been exposed.”

Fuck you doctor. And fuck you people who don’t get tested. And fuck everyone on reddit who knows they have HSV 1 or 2 and thinks it’s “no big deal.”

If I sound angry, it’s because I am. We’re talking about the wanton spread of disease. We’re talking about people who don’t care that they’re infecting others. And that is NOT okay. I don’t care what rationalizations you use. It’s just not okay.

Fun things I learned from the reddit thread (for those too lazy to read through it.)

1. You can get Herpes anywhere. It’s most commonly on the mouth or genitalia, but you can get it on your forehead if you’re a wrestler who ends up with your sweaty head against some guys sweaty balls (yes, this happened to a guy.)

2. A huge portion of new cases on genitalia are actually HSV-1, and are obtained when a person with a cold sore performs oral sex on someone.

3. Viral researchers think Herpes is 100,000 years old.

So those were neat things to learn.

Now: One last thing. I want to talk  about how I would solve this issue. I think the system that porn stars use is great. Mandatory tests every six months. And when you test positive your name is EVERYWHERE so everyone knows.

No one talks about STDs. They get really uncomfortable if you even bring it up (and this includes my doctors.) But there is no reason for this. If we taught kids the truth about STDs, and if we would all be more mature about talking about them, then we could actually eradicate these diseases. And that would be awesome.

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So Your Significant Other Is Into BDSM…

One of the most common questions that seems to come up in online forums related to BDSM is:

“Well, I’ve never thought about it and I am not into it, but my SO is into BDSM and I love them, so…”

I am not an expert at anything. I’ve just been in the scene for a really long time. It doesn’t make me a relationship guru and only you know what is right for you. But here is what I have noticed:

First, I am pretty sure this whole kink thing is The Way We Are. I have been fantasizing about pain since I was 5 years old, so I am pretty certain it’s just a personality trait, and I don’t think it will go away because someone else is not interested. I’m sorry, but I can’t change my hair color either.

Just understand that kink isn’t something that I think people typically choose. Maybe some people do- if they’re just bored with sex. However, I’ve been to a lot of play parties where we all started talking about how we got to be kinky, and all of us remember fantasizing about kinky things as kids.

So just take that into account.

However, let’s be honest: The kink community can come with a lot on nonsense in terms of dating. You meet people on fetlife.com or collarme.com and they can be nice people- or they can be people with serious issues who act like their kink is the only acceptable kind and everyone else is sick. Sometimes we get tired of dating “in our scene.”

There are all sorts of ways a relationship can go when you meet someone in the community. For example  sometimes you meet someone that you only play scenes with and the dynamic is really good; and you don’t want to make it a relationship because it might alter the dynamic.

Also, as I mentioned before when I talked about how to hit on a girl- just because a guy is kinky- does not mean he has game. Some of the people you meet are awkward enough that it can turn you off to kink completely for awhile. I have met a lot of girls that felt that way.

Worse still- sometimes you’re stuck living somewhere that the scene is mostly dead. Imagine that there are only six other people that ever meet up and they are all in monogamous relationships, and it’s just you all alone with no one kinky to date. And even if one other person showed up, and if they were of your preferred gender, and if they had kinks similar to yours, you still might not like them as a person. Or, to put it another way, just because the only male a of species left on Earth meets the only female of a species left on Earth, does not mean they will fuck.

The point is- dating in the scene can be complicated. Maybe a person doesn’t always feel like they have that option. And so sometimes we date vanilla people- for whatever reason.

So then various forums end up flooded with vanilla people asking one of two questions. They either want to know about kink and maybe get into it, or they want to know if their SO can live without it.

If they want to know more about it, there are great books like S&M 101 by Jay Wisemen. There are people who do workshops like Midori. There are people who do how-to videos like Twisted Monk. And there is loads of places to read up online like the FAQ section of reddit’s BDSM community. Learning about kink is as simple as spending some time reading.

Note that I didn’t recommend watching porn. There is good stuff out there, like the stuff at kink.com. That’s worth paying for- and I don’t often say that about porn. However, the majority of porn that is labeled BDSM is actually just porn, but with vinyl clothes. That’s not really going to help anyone learn about kink.

Anyway there are lots of resources. If you want to learn, it’s easy.

The other question is harder. What most vanilla people dating someone into BDSM really seem to want to know is- can they live without it. I have met too many people who were dating someone who often pushed them to get freaky and they just didn’t want to. They had no interest in whips, chains, spankings, or even a little light bondage. And they wanted me to tell them that their SO didn’t need those things.

Like I said at the start of this post- I am pretty sure I was born this way. I don’t think there was ever an option for me. I think I have always been tweeked a bit- and I don’t think I can change it any more than I can change my hair colour. That’s just me. Maybe your significant other is different. Maybe they can be happy with vanilla sex forever. Talk to them about it. And if they say they are sure they can quit kink cold turkey and never ask you for anything out of the ordinary, then maybe that is the case.

Only you know how your relationship is doing and how your dynamic is. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can live without. I think more than anything else, what’s needed in such situations is soul searching. Because if your SO is into BDSM and you’re sure that you’re not- then sometimes the relationship is probably not going to work out. Sorry to end on a down note; but it had to be said.