What About Love?

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I have posted several blog entries about how poly relationships work. But I guess I mostly only talked about managing jealousy and having safe sex. I never talked about love.

A recent article a friend posted on Facebook suggested that you can only love one person at once. This is one of the two vanilla stereotypes that make me crazy. There are two:

1. You can only really love one person at once.

2. There is a ONE perfect person out there for you, and you must search for “the one” where everything just “feels right” with them.

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First let’s talk about loving more than one person at once.

I love my husband and he’s currently stuck in school where I can’t be, so I have to spend a lot of time chatting with him online and making skype dates. And it’s more than that; I troll the internet searching for naked pictures of hot Asian women in bondage gear to send him. I save links to articles he would enjoy and send them to him when he wakes up. I think of him every moment of every day and I think of ways to make him happy.

I also maintain several boyfriends who are long-distance. I keep in touch with them because we dated and it was fun, but then we had to move away for work. And now we live apart, but I didn’t stop loving them and they presumably didn’t stop loving me. So we e-mail and text and keep in touch. I call these “to be continued” relationships, because if we lived in the same place, we would presumably pick up where we left off.

In addition, I have two boyfriends here in Oregon. And while neither of them are long-term material for various reasons, I can’t have lots of sex and fun moments and cool adventures with someone without growing to love them. I’m not made of stone.

 

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I even have an ex that I am still ridiculously in love with and talk to all the time. (Yes, my husband knows.) Usually no one achieves “ex” status because I move around a lot and when I have to leave a place, I don’t stop loving the people there. You can’t break up with someone without a fight, in my opinion.

An ex involves a breakup. And Mr. Geek and I had a break up; maybe the worst one I’ve ever had. We even fought, which I don’t do with most people. And that doesn’t change how I feel at all, cuz I still love him to death and he knows it.

That is not all the relationships I am maintaining. There’s more. But, those are just the main ones. And this does not include friends, family, or the 300 Christmas cards I send every year. This doesn’t include lots of people who take up my time. I have never had sex with my drinking buddy here, but we still go out to lunch and spend lots of time together, so it still counts as a relationship that takes time to maintain.

In the article written by the judgmental vanilla guy, the claim is that you can not love more than one person at a time because really loving someone takes all the hours in a day.

Well, I have been in that kind of relationship. The kind where you ignore your family and friends and spend all your time with ONE person. You blow off girls night out and D&D (or whatever you do for fun) and you just spend all your time staring into the eyes of “the love of your life” all day. It is very unhealthy to behave in this manner. We all did it in High School and remember what happened? Remember how inconsolable you were when you broke up with your High School sweetheart?

Love like that has no balance. When one person is the focus of all your energy you become obsessive, jealous, paranoid, and delusional. Your imagination runs away with you every time they smile at another person. You worry about where they are when they are not with you. You insist that you would kill yourself if they died because you could’t live without them. This is not healthy behavior. This is High School behavior, and you’re meant to grow out of it.

 

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Part of growing up is learning to maintain more than one relationship at once. This means you still see your friends even when you start dating someone new. You still call your mom. You still participate in your hobbies (whatever they may be.) You don’t loose yourself in every new relationship, because as you get older you learn that you need to keep your life in balance and never let one aspect of it overtake the whole.

And yes, some people never get as far as balancing more than one intimate relationship. For some, one is all they need and all they can handle. And that is okay. I am not judging that lifestyle.

But for some of us, it’s not like that. Some of us love more than one person at a time. And neither of those lifestyles is more valid or “real” than the other.

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And now to say just a few words about “The One.”

This is a concept that is constantly reinforced all over society. You see it in movies and sitcoms and you hear people say it. “She wasn’t ‘The One.'” or “Well if he’s ‘The One’ you should get married.”

Look people; this is a mythical idea created by Disney and its not okay. You do not have ONE person who is the other half of you and that you must search forever to find. And when you find them it’s not going to be all magical and easy because love is hard work if you want to keep it, no matter who you are in love with. Love that lasts requires always courting the other person, and you must never stop bringing flowers and telling them that they are beautiful. You must never stop thinking of them when you are apart and finding little ways to show them you care. Because if you stop maintaining a relationship with anyone, no matter how compatible you are, it will die.

There certainly are degrees of compatibility. I am not terribly compatible with a football fan who is vanilla and doesn’t like to hike or watch geeky movies. Meanwhile, give me a goth kid who is a freak between the sheets, intelligent, and likes to ride roller coasters and I melt into a puddle on the floor. I swear I swoon every time I see Elon Musk speak. A D&D geek who builds spaceships is maybe the sexist thing on Earth!

So, you know, you are going to be more compatible with some people than with others in terms of interests and such.

 

chemistry

 

And then there is chemistry. You’re going to have it with some people and not with others. Scientists speculate that it has to do with a woman’s ability to smell a good genetic match, and that “chemistry” is the feeling of someone you would make healthy babies with. That may well be a big part of chemistry. Who knows? But it’s a thing you won’t have with everyone, even if you may like the same movies and have the same interests.

So there are people you fit better with than others. And if you’re going to get married you should certainly choose the one you get along best with. I married my best friend and we have great chemistry and similar ideas about the world, as well as a few common interests. We have great conversations and we’re able to reason through rough patches without fighting.

But that doesn’t mean that I am going to build it up in my head and say that my husband is ‘The One’ because that is nonsense.

Here’s what you do; you pick someone and you say “I want you.”

That’s all.

There’s no big secret and no one person that is perfect for you. You just pick a person and you decide to make it work with them, and then you do.

Maybe those of us in the BDSM community are farther removed from the Disney ideals. I don’t know. But my friends know this stuff, and it isn’t until I watch a sitcom or talk to some vanilla folks that I even remember this stuff is out there.

So please, can we just admit that love, with anyone, needs to be maintained to last? And if you really love more than one person, you can put in that maintenance. It really is that simple.

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Sex Tips

I don't care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

I don’t care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

A good friend of mine is going through a bad break up, and he thinks he’ll never find another girl that likes him again. This and a few other things have got me thinking, and it has come to my attention that a few of the nerdy folks out there need some basic tips. I should clarify that I don’t know everything, and all I can do is offer suggestions. With that in mind, this one is for the geeks.

First, size matters. I don’t care what any woman has told you when she was trying to be nice. It matters. So what can you do if you have a small penis? Don’t loose hope! There are options. They do make strap-ons which allow you to do double penetration. So you can fuck your girl in the ass, while also using a strap-on in her vagina. You can also use dildos by themselves, if she doesn’t like anal play.

You should know though, as one of my favorite books called Bonk by Mary Roach points out, that penetration alone will not get most women off. You may have a had a girl tell you that she got off while you were having sex, because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Guys can be very sensitive, and girls can react to that with a little well-intentioned dishonesty.

Why is this? Well, girls get off from stimulation of the clitoris. The placement varies from woman to woman, but often it is not close enough to the vagina to get stimulation from penetration. This means you need to play with a girl’s clit. Some girls use vibrators, and because of this, the exposed portion of the clit is not that sensitive any more. This means two things: One, you can be a little more rough with it when you lick her. And two: she might have trouble getting off without a vibrator, so you may want to use one on her. The most popular would be the magic wand, but there are many options. I have often mentioned that my first Doctor Xtreme makes some pretty neat toys, so you might want to check those out.

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

Now for me personally and for other girls I know, vibration doesn’t work. What this means is that for me, I have a very sensitive clitoris and I need people to be very careful with it. Yes, I am into BDSM. Yes, I do like pain. But the tiny exposed portion of the clit has more nerve endings in it than an entire penis, and I do not want anyone to be rough with it. In my experience, most women, (myself included) like a soft but fast up and down motion with the tongue. No fingers unless they are wet, because dry fingers chafe like a motherfucker.

Now, some of the geeky and awkward guys I know tell me that they are unattractive. They say women won’t even talk to them. First, you need to have confidence. Know that you can please them, and that you can make them happy. My tattoo artist and I dated for over a year, in spite of his broken teeth, weight problem, and general lack of classically attractive characteristics. And it’s not just me! He dated lots of beautiful girls, including several very smart and attractive strippers. He was able to do this because he was confident, and he could make them happy. Foot rubs, back massages, and a gift for oral sex made him one of my favorite boyfriends of all time. I always got off at least once with him, and I usually got all the knots worked out of my back and my feet too. Never underestimate the power you have over a girl if you can please her.

What if you’re new to kink? Well that’s okay too. It’s not that hard, and I’ve written posts on scene negotiation, setting up a scene, and ideas for play. There are also a host of helpful online forums.

Basically remember that some girls are kinky and like pain. They want to be beat hard. Some girls are kinky and don’t like pain, so go for more sensual flogging and restraints. There are lots of checklists available online to help you find out what kind of kink your partner is into.

The main thing is; remember that you don’t have to look like a guy off the cover of a romance novel and have a huge cock to make a girl happy. All you have to do is figure out how to make her scream. If you can do that, you can find yourself someone who will be thrilled to have you around.

Don’t sell yourself short and don’t assume no one is interested. Some people, (myself included) are into odd things. I have a fetish for scientists and engineers myself.

D&D game in "Freaks and Geeks"

D&D game in “Freaks and Geeks”

My rape fantasy

So far it’s awful having Mr. Knight here. I shouldn’t say that- because it’s always good to have a guy pal to play video games and drink beer and watch TV with. We’re actually having a blast in the sense that it’s all the things I like about having guy friends, but without the hassle of finding an excuse to hang out. That is always the annoying part when one has guy friends, you know? It’s nice to have those lazy Sundays drinking beer and watching TV, but it’s like you have to make a good excuse to have that because no one really feels like they’re allowed to go out of their way to make “guy time” without looking like a jerk or a pussy or some shit. There’s just a stigma there somehow…

Oh, and I guess I should explain that even though I am a girl, I identify as a boy. I always have. I just happen to live in a girl’s body, and it’s complicated. My sexuality is actually a long and boring mess. I could go into it in detail, but I won’t just now. Anyway, I like my guy time and Mr. Knight and I have fun. He’s a good geek pal to hang out with and I’m not going to fault him for needing to crash on my couch.

The real problem is the way Mr. Knight smells. As much of a guy’s guy as I am visually and emotionally and in most every way, my sense of smell is female and I am so turned on by the way Mr. Knight smells. It’s making me crazy.

His clothes are laying around and they smell like him. The bedding he uses is folded in the living room and it smells like him too. And when he hasn’t showered and he crawls up to the loft to talk… the urge to rape him is nearly impossible to control. He’d struggle because he’s still in love with his ex and he doesn’t want to get tangled up in my shit. But even when guys struggle and don’t want it, they still get hard because that’s just a reaction. Hell, the struggling would make it more hot. I’m strong and I could take him. I could tie him to the railing of the loft and suck him until he was hard, and then fuck him while he tried to get away…

Do you see the problem? This is what I have been having waking fantasies about. Who imagines raping their friend? I never thought of it before… but then I’d never noticed his smell before. It’s not like we’ve ever hugged or touched. We may have fist bumped once or twice to say hello or goodbye, but we usually maintain personal bubbles. Had he not moved in, I would never have known that this young, innocent little boy smelled so fucking amazing.

So now I can’t have Mr. Uptight or Mr. Nice Guy over because my one-bedroom split level apartment doesn’t have enough privacy. I also can’t have sex with Mr. Knight because it would be wrong (since he’s in love with someone else). It is now time to work out other options… I usually bring people to me because this is where my toys are. Now it would seem that travel is required.

Next weekend my plans are to go stay with Mr. Nice Guy on Friday night (he lives in an apartment) and then go see Mr. Uptight during the day (he lives on base and I can’t stay the night but I can visit…) We’ll see how play away from home works out for me…

Complication Arises

So a friend is moving in. He split up with his girlfriend and he needs a place to crash. We’re geek pals who share reddit jokes and play D&D together, so I can’t say no. It is going to be awkward though, since my place is a split-level one-bedroom and sound carries all too well.

We shall call this friend Mr. Knight, because he truly wishes he were a knight in shining armor. He wants to be valiant and brave. Oh course the reality is that he’s shy and unlikely to rush to the defense of any fair maidens, but he is a knight in his mind.

This is a good time to explain my policy on sex.

See, I have boundary issues. I’m never really sure where the line between friend and lover is, or why there should be a line. In most cases, I’ll sleep with someone just to see what they are like in bed. It helps me get to know them, and feel closer to them. If there is chemistry; great! If there’s not, then at least I learned something. Unlike most people, I do not find it awkward to be around someone I have slept with, and no one is capable of feeling awkward around me because I am too damn comfortable with myself to let anyone be uncomfortable in my presence.

There are good reasons not to sleep with people though, even for a magically delicious super slut.

The first should be because they are married, right? I’ve been attacked by enough crazy women to know that I should always be careful of the married ones. And yet… if they don’t respect their wedding vows it’s hard for me to do so. I don’t know their wives and for all I know they’re making them up to seem unavailable. As such, the married guy thing is a grey area. It depends on the guy, I guess. Plus, some of them are married but in open relationships, so you can never be too sure what’s what there.

I guess the verdict on married guys is maybe.

Second is more important. This is a hard no. I will never sleep with anyone who is in love with someone else. They can have a crush. They can have a past. They can have a lot of things that don’t make me shy away. Yet, if they are truly in love with someone else, I will never ever sleep with them. This is because I need to feel like the most important person in someone’s life. I do sleep around openly and allow all my partners to do the same, but they always like me best. I am confident that if a man is seeing two women and one of them is me, he likes me better every time. I’m that good. On the other hand, if they’re in love then that’s a whole other thing that I won’t even mess with. One does not compete with hormones and chemicals that have evolved over thousands of years.

So a hard no to being in love with someone else.

Last is the business relationship. Let’s say I meet you and I know we can set shit off together. I know you have social value. Well- then we’re not going to have sex. I won’t risk mixing sex with business because sometimes people can get weird about both, and I like for things in my life to be as simple as possible. It seems that when you add one complicated thing to one other complicated thing, the level of complicated escalates several more orders of magnitude than it logically should- so no business and sex.

Of those reasons why I will never sleep with someone, Mr. Knight falls under the category of “in love with someone else.” He may be on the outs with his girl right now, but there is no question at all about who his heart belongs to. He is hers, and since they are both mostly sweet and innocent and not into MDSM, it’s best to leave them to each other (even if they are unhappy.)

I know I will catch a ration of shit for Mr. Knight living here. I know everyone will assume we are having sex because they know I have boundary issues. I am aware of how much this is going to suck for me, and yet, one does not turn down a fellow geek in need. So now to figure out how to keep all my sexy time confined to everyone else’s house.

Can’t wait to tell the boys about the new edition to my living room…