50 Shades of Grey

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For the longest time I saw no point in reviewing this book. I saw no point in writing a blog about it, or even bringing it up. I didn’t even know what to say, and in any case, it has been written about over and over by so many people that one more voice didn’t seem like it would add much to the collective dialogue.

I mean, even Dave Barry wrote about 50 Shades of Grey! I definitely didn’t see that one coming. (But it was really funny and you should read it.)

My point is: everything that could be said had been said, and I didn’t know what I could possible add.

But a recent Google search for something kinky again pulled up more 50 Shades of Grey links and pictures, and I found myself miserable that a community I have been in for so long is associated with something so bad. I suddenly felt that this was an “if you see something, say something” situation like stopping men from harassing women or anyone from beating a child. I didn’t care if it had all been said. I was going to say it again!

So first, I have a reading list of good books related to kink that you can read. So you should know right away that there are excellent source materials out there that are not very bad erotic fiction written by someone clueless about kink.

Second, let’s talk about the BDSM slogan: “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.”

It is not safe to date someone who stalks you. It is not safe to date someone who forces you away from your friends and insists on you keeping things a secret. Those are the behaviors of abusers, and you need to stay away from abusive men and women. No one should ever try to isolate you from loved ones like your friends and family, and no one should ever come to your home after you tell them to leave you alone. It’s not healthy to break boundaries that are set by your partner, and is not sane behavior to stalk someone.

And remember that consent is a really big deal. I totally make people fill out consent forms. I have them fill out checklists over tea. I do intense scene negotiations to make sure I am clear on what someone is okay with. And that is how BDSM is supposed to be.

The relationship in 50 Shades of Grey is super unhealthy, as plenty of people before me have said.

I read the book because of a friend of mine named Doctor Xtreme who makes interesting sex toys. He lives in Denver Colorado, and he reported to me that the book store near his house had a pallet of the first 50 Shades book brought in each day and sold out by nightfall. Of course, he was in no way implying that it was a good book. Only that it was a popular book.

Why does that matter? Well, as many have said, it reflects upon the community.

And the truth is, this unhealthy relationship between Ana and Christian reflects very poorly on our community. It will bring new people to our munches and fetish proms who are looking for abusive relationships; coming to us with horrible standards for what they think BDSM is.

It was also pretty awful writing. As an avid reader my entire life, I think I can say that. It was very hard to get through already for ideological reasons, but then I also had to force myself to keep reading (the way I do with a dull textbook for a college course that I’m not into.)

And now they are going to make a movie of the first book, and when that goes well, I bet they make the whole set. I am dreading it. It’ll bring it all out into the public eye again where we all have to discuss it some more, and that won’t be any fun at all.

Anyway, I just wanted to add my voice to those arguing for safe and consensual sex. I hope in the future, more people will come to realize that the BDSM community is a wonderful place, and that 50 Shades of Grey is not representative of us.

Trying to date Vanilla Folks

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(Note: I should disclose that I am on some antibiotics that are making me feel pretty bad right now. So if I sound meaner than usual, I guess that’s why.) 

I’ve mentioned already how I am currently living on the island of Guam, and how there is a distinct lack of kinky folks here. So as a result, I’ve been talking to some vanilla people.

Now, I know that some vanilla folks are curious and might want to try kink stuff, so I don’t dismiss them out-of-hand. You never know what someone might want to try, and people can surprise you.

However, I do state on all my online dating profiles that I AM kinky, and that I am looking for a kinky partner. Ergo, it would seem to me that it’s obvious enough that I am not looking for someone who wants to have the kind of sex that will bore me. (And I know not all kinky folks are bored by vanilla sex, but without some sort of power dynamic, I can’t seem to get aroused.)

So I bring it up with the vanilla folks who flirt with me. I ask if there is anything they are curious about, or if they have any legitimate interest in kinky sex. And thus far, they have seemed not only disinterested, but frightened.

So I suggest looking up fetish lists or kink worksheets online. I suggest reading up on BDSM to see if they might have interests they are as of yet unaware of.

Thus far, my experience has been that vanilla people are judgmental of my lifestyle and afraid of what it might entail.

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In addition to being judgmental and frightened, a lot of them just kind of bum me out. Here are a few things I have actually had said to me by more than one person:

“Well, there’s about 10 guys to every woman on island, so it’s impossible to get laid here.”

(Let’s talk about how it is not my responsibility to “get you laid.” Your insecurity over not usually being the one guy out of ten that a girl will pick makes you sound unattractive to say the least.)

“I mean, she gave me a blowjob so I guess it was worth going out with her. But then she wanted me to go down on her and I was like NO.”

(You are literally telling me up front that you are a selfish lover and I will get no pleasure from sleeping with you.) 

“I dunno, I mean, I’ll try everything once; but I’m not really into all that weird stuff.”

(You are implying a judgement of my lifestyle while yet again making yourself sound awful in bed.)

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I can’t figure out how guys think that saying things like this to me will make me want them. First, if you’re a guy who expects blowjobs but won’t go down on a girl, then you suck. A lot. And no girl will want you. I don’t agree with all the things they say (because every girl is different and I don’t like what they like in bed) but I think Tammy and Nicole make a great point in their piece “How To Eat Pussy;”

“When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she’s found a treasure she’s not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won’t even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town.”

So look vanilla guys, bragging about how you don’t give head is just sad. I expect oral sex. And I expect a lot more on top of that.

What I imagine when a vanilla guy tells me that he doesn’t even go down on girls is sex like I had when I was 13. Awkward, devoid of orgasm (again people, as Mary Roach writes about in the non-fiction science book Bonk: MOST WOMEN CAN NOT HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS,) and boring. I’m expecting that you will probably want to kiss a lot (not one of my favorite things), then maybe play with my nipples or something, and then have penetrative sex until YOU get off, while I lay there bored and unfulfilled.

So why would I want that?

Well the answer is that I don’t. I really, really don’t. I could have more fun staying home and watching Porn.

So please guys, if you are vanilla, don’t bother to write to me thinking that I’m going to save you from your sexless life on Guam and give you a pity fuck. I am a slut, but that doesn’t mean I am the slightest bit interested in bad sex. I call myself a slut because I LOVE sex. I enjoy it, and I seek it out often. I like sex clubs like The Velvet Rope, Club Desire, and Club Sesso. I like new and different ways of playing, like the toys invented by Doctor Xtreme.

If you want to impress me, then why don’t you learn a little about kink before you talk to me, and then list specific things you are interested in? As I have said, there are loads of lists online. I recommend the CEPE printable list because it’s comprehensive. But you can look through anything kink-related you like to get ideas.

The key thing to remember is that there is always a power dynamic in the background, and that is what makes kink so exciting. It’s as much in your head as it is outside of your head with whips and chains. And it’s fair to say that if you’re not into it at all, then you probably never will be.

So in spite of your apparent lack of options, I still recommend you find someone else. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but I’m not having sex with someone just because they’re desperate. I want to have sex I can enjoy too. And I’m not going to compromise my desires for you.

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Sex Tips

I don't care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

I don’t care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

A good friend of mine is going through a bad break up, and he thinks he’ll never find another girl that likes him again. This and a few other things have got me thinking, and it has come to my attention that a few of the nerdy folks out there need some basic tips. I should clarify that I don’t know everything, and all I can do is offer suggestions. With that in mind, this one is for the geeks.

First, size matters. I don’t care what any woman has told you when she was trying to be nice. It matters. So what can you do if you have a small penis? Don’t loose hope! There are options. They do make strap-ons which allow you to do double penetration. So you can fuck your girl in the ass, while also using a strap-on in her vagina. You can also use dildos by themselves, if she doesn’t like anal play.

You should know though, as one of my favorite books called Bonk by Mary Roach points out, that penetration alone will not get most women off. You may have a had a girl tell you that she got off while you were having sex, because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Guys can be very sensitive, and girls can react to that with a little well-intentioned dishonesty.

Why is this? Well, girls get off from stimulation of the clitoris. The placement varies from woman to woman, but often it is not close enough to the vagina to get stimulation from penetration. This means you need to play with a girl’s clit. Some girls use vibrators, and because of this, the exposed portion of the clit is not that sensitive any more. This means two things: One, you can be a little more rough with it when you lick her. And two: she might have trouble getting off without a vibrator, so you may want to use one on her. The most popular would be the magic wand, but there are many options. I have often mentioned that my first Doctor Xtreme makes some pretty neat toys, so you might want to check those out.

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

Now for me personally and for other girls I know, vibration doesn’t work. What this means is that for me, I have a very sensitive clitoris and I need people to be very careful with it. Yes, I am into BDSM. Yes, I do like pain. But the tiny exposed portion of the clit has more nerve endings in it than an entire penis, and I do not want anyone to be rough with it. In my experience, most women, (myself included) like a soft but fast up and down motion with the tongue. No fingers unless they are wet, because dry fingers chafe like a motherfucker.

Now, some of the geeky and awkward guys I know tell me that they are unattractive. They say women won’t even talk to them. First, you need to have confidence. Know that you can please them, and that you can make them happy. My tattoo artist and I dated for over a year, in spite of his broken teeth, weight problem, and general lack of classically attractive characteristics. And it’s not just me! He dated lots of beautiful girls, including several very smart and attractive strippers. He was able to do this because he was confident, and he could make them happy. Foot rubs, back massages, and a gift for oral sex made him one of my favorite boyfriends of all time. I always got off at least once with him, and I usually got all the knots worked out of my back and my feet too. Never underestimate the power you have over a girl if you can please her.

What if you’re new to kink? Well that’s okay too. It’s not that hard, and I’ve written posts on scene negotiation, setting up a scene, and ideas for play. There are also a host of helpful online forums.

Basically remember that some girls are kinky and like pain. They want to be beat hard. Some girls are kinky and don’t like pain, so go for more sensual flogging and restraints. There are lots of checklists available online to help you find out what kind of kink your partner is into.

The main thing is; remember that you don’t have to look like a guy off the cover of a romance novel and have a huge cock to make a girl happy. All you have to do is figure out how to make her scream. If you can do that, you can find yourself someone who will be thrilled to have you around.

Don’t sell yourself short and don’t assume no one is interested. Some people, (myself included) are into odd things. I have a fetish for scientists and engineers myself.

D&D game in "Freaks and Geeks"

D&D game in “Freaks and Geeks”

To The Desert I Go…

This is the desert of Arizona.

This is the desert of Arizona.

So the scene in Arizona is wild. There is a lot of hook suspensions and small fetlife munches on a Tuesday night draw about 90 people. It’s a scene unlike any other I have seen.

The big thing I came here for is the Horns and Halos Fetish prom. I have been to fetish proms that were really awesome, but none as good as the ones in Arizona. I don’t know why that is, but these kids really know how to get some serious kink on, while drawing great bands and vendors as well.

The crowd cheering for Element a440 at a previous prom.

The crowd cheering for Element a440 at a previous prom.

There are usually strippers, stage shows, vendors, and all mannar of fun kinky things to do. A boy I met the other day told me he brought a paddle to the last Horns and Halos prom, and ended up with a line of girls waiting to be spanked. That’s the kind of stuff that happens at these proms.

Just a pretty girl on a stripper pole...

Just a pretty girl on a stripper pole…

When I was in Korea, I threw some small fetish proms that were fun, but barely broke 100 people. The Horns and Halos proms are so big that they rent an entire hotel for the after-hours party.

Side-stage kink/fetish show

Side-stage kink/fetish show

I’m really excited to be here for the next event. I’ll be promoting for Doctor Xtreme while I am there, and my Pet is even going to fly out. This is going to be SO much fun!