Halloween

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I could go around all year round dressed like a Dominatrix; but I don’t.

This is because of one experience when I was young, which led me to move through the muggle world in plain clothes and change on location every day after it.

I was driving home from a night at the dungeon, and I was in a short skirt, fishnets, a corset, and very tall boots. I got pulled over by a cop who was presumably very bored, since I was doing less than five miles over the posted speed limit.

His attitude was okay when he first walked up, but once he had a good look at my outfit he became a total dick. He claimed a car matching my car’s description was reported stolen and that he was going to impound my vehicle. He told me to get out and start walking. This was at 3am on the side of a freeway. The nearest off ramp was more than a mile.

I did protest, but he just kept yelling at me. So eventually, I gave up and walked to a payphone (this was in the days before cell phones were a thing.) It took me more than an hour and I had blisters all over my feet. I am very lucky that I wasn’t snatched off the road and raped or killed. (And yes, I later filed a complaint, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t have faced the prejudice in the first place if I didn’t look like a Dominatrix when I was puled over.)

The point is: 364 days a year people look at me like a freak unless I go around in plain clothes. But on one special, magical day of the year, I can go out of the house dressed as ME.

Happy Halloween!!!

The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

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Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

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I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

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End of Year Thoughts and Wishes.

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First, even though I write about my husband and our poly relationship all the time, it seems like I still get people being surprised/upset when they find out that I am married. So just to clear that one up, I am still married, and social conventions are still dicks.

Though I haven’t been able to date much since I got stuck on Guam, I still think slut-shaming is wrong (and that’s one of my best posts in all my years blogging.)

I update my lists of people you should check out and books you should read all the time, so make sure to check those out if you are looking for resources. I even have a whole subcategory of just book reviews.

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I have been meeting a lot of folks on Guam, and this has definitely led to some posts about how women are people and you need to talk to them like people, but also a lot of posts about helping people learn about kink.

All in all, it’s been a good year. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I started this blog just to amuse a friend who pestered me to share what I knew. He’s off in South America somewhere now with his wife, and for some reason, I am still writing.

Well, I guess I do it for those of you who read, since wordpress gets all the ad revenue and I don’t get a dime. No matter. Thanks for reading! Cheers to your 2016!

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Anal Sex Tips

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Recently I found myself asked about how to approach anal sex, from the perspective of a female planning to peg a male. First, I would suggest hygiene. Some people go as far as have their submissive do an enema beforehand, which is helpful but not required. However, a shower is definitely called for beforehand, and it doesn’t hurt to shave or trim hair in the pubic area as well.

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It is also a good idea to suggest that your submissive use a butt plug for several weeks prior to actually trying to peg them, because they need to get used to the sensation. That’s because being relaxed is really important, and new sensations can be scary and cause people to tense up.

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Remember to take it slowly, and use lube on both the dildo and your submissive as well. Don’t rush, because tearing is painful and can cause infection. As long as you both remember to stay relaxed, you should have lots of fun!

Slut-Shaming is Still Wrong

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I have said before that slut-shaming is wrong. I will continue to say this because so many men refuse to understand this point, and it gets tiresome.

First, I was recently called a “disgusting sex-worker” and I want to deconstruct all the things wrong with that.

Let’s start with sex workers. This would be someone who sleeps with people for money. A sex worker can be male or female. It is obviously safer to be a sex worker in a place where it is legal, because then regulations can be placed on the industry and STD tests conducted frequently.

I recently had a wonderful sex worker named Nell Gwyn do a guest post on this blog, and it was a brilliant explanation of why someone would choose to work in the sex industry, and how much fun it can be.

Nell acknowledges that some sex workers are coerced. However, legalizing this industry would allow us to shed light on who is doing the work, and make sure that all the people doing it are like Nell (willing and happy with their job.)

These people are doing a job they like, and I think most of the male spite for them comes from the fact that men can not easily get paid to have sex, and so they are very jealous.

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But there is certainly another point to make here: It is not disgusting to have sex!

Why do some men hold on to this antiquated notion that sex is disgusting? And if a woman become “dirty” when she has sex with a man, then isn’t it obvious that we should be looking at HIM for making her “dirty” by touching her? Does this not imply that all men are foul creatures who put dirt on a woman by touching her?

That is ridiculous. Seriously, it’s nuts!

Sex is fun. People should have it because it is enjoyable and also good for your health. Many scientific studies have proven that people who have more sex live longer. I guess we already knew that before science studied it, because of Hugh Hefner. But seriously; it’s fun and it’s good for you. Why would anyone be against people having sex? What horrible prudes feel this way?

As I tried to explain to this person who was slut-shaming, he is only hurting himself. Men want to have sex with women. And yet, some men choose to call women awful names and treat them badly for having sex. This is obviously a case of them acting directly against their own interests. If you shame women for having sex and think they shouldn’t have it, then what will you and your fellow men have sex with, I wonder? Does this mean men should stop sleeping with women (since it makes them dirty and disgusting) and fuck goats instead? Is that somehow cleaner and better?

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But if you are a man, and you do want to have sex with a women, then you are nothing short of stupid and wrong to shame women for having sex. It hurts your cause more than anything else you could do, and never have I seen a more clear example of someone acting against their own interests.

Then there’s the fact that this vanilla person does not even know what a sex worker actually is. It is someone who performs sex acts for money, as per the definition.

To explain all the ways a Dominatrix is not a sex worker, I have to start by telling you that a dungeon is a safe place for a BDSM couple to go learn more about the kink scene, and to play. Because a dungeon is a space that vanilla people do not understand, let me explain what happens in a dungeon.

A person who works there (which has been me at two different dungeons over 10 years) will show you around. We will explain the rules. In most dungeons it is fine to have sex, and it is fine to be nude. But you may not take out your phone or any device with a camera, touch anyone without permission, or interrupt anyone else’s “scene.”

When we say “safe, sane, and consensual” we really mean it.

After a couple is given the tour, they will be allowed to explore the various things the dungeon has to offer. These will be things like cages, sex swings, and BDSM furniture. It is typical for people to bring their own toys, because the sharing of bodily fluids is never encouraged. You also typically find wet wipes with alcohol around, so you can disinfect any furniture you use, just like wiping down a machine at the gym.






But a Dominatrix does more than just give tours. We also teach workshops on scene negotiation, BDSM for new folks, how to use toys like a violet wand or a flogger, and how to conduct an open relationship. I have done workshops on these and many other topics. During the workshops where I am teaching the use of a toy, I will generally have a submissive who acts as my demo bunny so people can actually see the toy in action. However if no one is available, I can of course demonstrate certain things on myself, like the girl above showing how a violet wand works.

A sex worker is different because they are not teaching someone how to act in a dungeon or how to use a flogger. They are actually engaging in sex acts for money. I do not think this is wrong, and I admire all the sex workers I know and have known (I met my first when I was 16. Her name was Julia and she was amazing!).

However, I do not personally participate in sex acts for money, because it is simply not something that falls within my personal comfort level. And that does not mean it is wrong! It simple means it’s not MY thing, much like blood play or a few other hard limits of mine.

So the person who claimed a Dominatrix is a sex worker and that sex workers are disgusting did so for several reasons. The main reason is, of course, ignorance of BDSM and what happens at a dungeon. But also there is an inherit bias in this thinking, involving the religious idea that sex is somehow wrong or dirty (which of course it is not) and that women are somehow made less by having sex (which of course they are not.) It is actually hard to be more wrong than he was, and I hope someday he realizes his vast mistakes in logic and in character.

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Disclaimer: If you are religious, good for you. But in my experience that comes with a lot of baggage about sex. I have had to counsel a lot of people about their feelings of shame when it comes to sex, and personally I think it is horrible that people are taught to be ashamed of natural biological functions. So if you are religious, fine. But for the love of all that is logical and rational, don’t teach your kids to be ashamed of sex! Teach them how to be safe, and how to know when they are ready. But do not instill the same and disgust that these slut-shaming folks have had instilled in them. There is nothing more unnatural and wrong. 

Hitting on a Girl

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This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use fetlife.com and okcupid.com to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.

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Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.

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Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the  better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!

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Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.

Used As a Toy

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Not too terribly long ago, I went to visit my favorite pet. I’ve written several scenes involving him on this blog, and I hope you won’t mind one more.

I was too lazy to use rope on him. I simply had him strip, and then put leather cuffs on his ankles and wrists. I linked them together with clips.

(*Which you can buy along with almost anything at stockroom.com. I don’t have any affiliation with them, but I do dig their selection and they are very discrete. )

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After he was tied up I blindfolded him and spent some time teasing him. I played with his penis, fingered his ass a little, and nibbled on his ears. I felt myself starting to get all dripping wet, the way I do when I tie him up and tease him. So, I rubbed my wet pussy against his leg and whispered “I can’t believe how horny it makes me to tease you like this…” He trembled as he felt the lips of my pussy brush all along his legs. And I said “What should I do next, my pretty pet?”

He answered “Whatever you want.”

I thought about un-cuffing his wrists from his ankles so I could stretch him out and ride him for awhile. But then I thought, “He did say whatever I want, so maybe I’ll just ignore him and spend some time on myself…”

I rolled over on my back and started to rub my wet fingers on my clit. I could feel it swell and become harder as it filled with blood. I moaned.

Poor pet, blindfolded and stuck on his back with his ankles and wrists locked to each other, was completely unable to make a move to join me. He struggled against the cuffs, but they were too strong. He pleaded with me, “Oh mistress, let me help!” but I ignored him.

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I reached for my dildo and stuck it in my ass, pinning it against the mattress under me. I started to move against it, but not thrust the way a guy would. Just a gentle grinding that hit all the nice spots inside of me. I kept moaning while listening to pets’ pleas.

It was then that I decided I needed another dildo.

Since I did not have one, I decided to use my pet. I un-clipped his ankles from his feet, while keeping his ankles clipped to one another and his wrists clipped to one another. This gave him just enough freedom of movement to follow my instructions as I told him: “Get on top of me and slide inside of me, but do not thrust. Hold completely still.”

I then began to grind softly against both his cock and the dildo, moving just enough to massage my clit on the inside while I rubbed the outside.

Pet tried to start thrusting but I grabbed the riding crop by the bed and hit his ass with so much force that the whole room echoed and I screamed “Bad pet! You are just my little fuck toy, do you understand? I am not here for you to get off. You are here for ME to get off, and for that to happen I need you to hold still.”

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He held still then, but made sad little whimpering noises while I continued to grind softly against him and the dildo, until I finally came up to the edge of orgasm, and spilled wonderfully over into twitchy happiness.

Once I recovered, I whispered softly in Pet’s ear: “Good pet. You’ve done well. And as your reward, you may fuck me now, as hard as you want.”

After such an intense orgasm, his thrusting inside me felt amazing. I let him ride me as hard and fast as he could until he finally asked me “Mistress, may I cum now?”

“Yes pet, I said softly. Yes, you may cum now.”

He shuddered and fell on top of me. I unhooked the clips that bound his wrists and ankles, but left the cuffs on.

He would remember, as long as we laid in that bed, that I owned him and he was my toy.

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