Happy Halloween!

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I’ve written before about how much I love Halloween  because it’s the one day a year that, instead of giving me dirty looks, people say “Nice costume!” It’s really wonderful to be able to walk around dressed in Domme gear instead of having to bring it all in a bag and get dressed in the bathroom of a venue (I learned the hard way that you do not want to get pulled over by a cop while wearing vinyl because they do not like that, so change when you get there.) But on Halloween, all things are permitted.

As I have often said, I love this. I don’t slut-shame the sexy nurses, sexy kitty cats, or any other silly costume marketed to women. I don’t care that women use Halloween as an excuse to dress as something that they never normally would. In fact. I think that is great!

However this year, a reader asked me a new question that I have never even thought of before, and it kind of blew my mind. He wrote: “Do you get upset when vanilla women dress up as a Dominatrix on Halloween? Isn’t this cultural appropriation?”

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So first, I want to say that I think it’s pretty shitty when people make a culture into a costume. I have Native American friends, and I am super offended when I see someone wearing a cheap, fake headdress made out of chicken feathers and calling themselves “Chief Wanna-Bang-You” or some other disgraceful shit. Fuck people who do that.

And second, I want to agree that Kink is a culture, and that a vanilla woman dressing up as a Domme for Halloween is definitely appropriation of a culture. HOWEVER, I do not think it is offensive. Look; that might be a personal thing. Maybe I am wrong (and if so please write to me and tell me why!)

It’s just that to me, shaming someone for cultural appropriation requires that the appropriation actually does some damage. And honestly, I think kink fiction written by vanilla people (such as 50 Shades of Grey) does a lot more damage than some vanilla wife playing Domme could ever do. I just mean, I think that standard we should use when we decide if something is appropriation is: Does it cause harm? And I don’t think that a vanilla woman in a fake pleather outfit with a thin, novelty whip is hurting anyone (literally or metaphorically.)

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I don’t want people to be dicks on Halloween. So don’t appropriate someone’s culture. Be respectful of Native Americans, Black Americans, and everyone the fuck else. But on the other side of it, don’t be a white person who wants to call people out just for fun, because those people turn Halloween into a nightmare by actively trying to get offended.

Also, do not spread all that bullshit about how stoners are going to give your kids drugs. Drugs are very expensive, and no one is going to give them away on Halloween. The Beckys who push this crap are really ruining a perfectly good holiday.

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So You Want To Find A Domme

This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on Fetlife.com to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.

Example

Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

I am sleeping.”
I am eating.”
I am at work.”
I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.

 

Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.

 

Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.

 

Note:

As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.

Example:

I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

Sub Drop

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I recently made a comment about Sub Drop, and was met with a blank look. I thought this was a term that everyone in the kink community knew, so I was surprised to find that it is not. Since it seems to be needed, here is a brief explanation.

Submitting to another person is usually a very emotional experience for anyone. This is sometimes part of an overall relationship, or sometimes part of a stand-alone scene. However, going into sub space and allowing oneself to be vulnerable is very intense even if there is not a deep emotional connection (or any connection at all) between partners.

Obviously this is different for every person, and so it is very hard to describe the feeling. However, a friend of mine once said; “It takes a great deal of courage to submit to and trust another person.” I believe that is true.

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Because submission is such an emotional experience, it’s important not to finish a scene and then part ways immediately. Of course, every scene should end with after-care, where you hold the submissive and let them gradually come out of sub space.

Even when the after care is over, the submissive is usually still emotionally vulnerable, and so it is best not to leave them alone if possible. If the submissive must be left alone, they should be encouraged to have a friend come over and be with them, just in case.

In situations where the submissive is left alone, they often experience something called “Sub Drop,” where their already vulnerable emotional state overwhelms them and they become extremely depressed. This is something that a Dom or Domme must do their best to avoid, as this can make the submissive adverse to future scenes, and can be very hard on them.

Remember, if a person is brave enough to submit to you, it is your responsibility to respect that courage and to do your best to be good to your submissive. Without submissives (and switches who chose to submit), none of us would able to enjoy our kink, which is to have someone to dominate.

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A Kinky Threesome

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

She walked in and the three of us sat around my table. I made tea. Pet is going to Top her tonight, and I am going to supervise. I might even jump in. I haven’t decided.

In the past, when pet told me he was a switch, I found him a Malaysian girl to Top. It was cute because she thanked me every time they played. However, I haven’t seen him as a Dominant and I am curious what that looks like. So, now I am sharing my pretty little princess with him. As I watch, he is doing his first formal scene negotiation, paperwork and all. She fills out the forms and he reads them with a smile. I clear the tea and he says to her:

“You should be naked now.”

She looks alarmed.

“You’re not serious!” she says to him. Then she looks at me for help. “He’s not serious, is he?”

I just smile.

She takes her clothes off slowly, and folds and stacks them on my end table. Pet watches like a hawk, and he is grinning from ear to ear. It is the most adorable scene to watch! I stand back while he puts her cuffs on.

He takes up her riding crop. He’s never used one before and he looks both nervous and excited. He tries it out, running it along her skin. He starts to hit her softly, but he’s clearly afraid to hurt her. This makes me smile.

I watch him as he toys with her with the crop, and then later with the flogger. He considers the nipple clamps, but seems to decide against them at the last minute. While he is considering the various toys, I decide I can no longer resist. I walk over to her and start to caress her pretty little frame. I love the way she leans into my touch, like a playful kitten.

When pet sees what I am doing, he joins me. She doesn’t seem to know what to do now, writhing against both of us while we run our hands along her body and kiss and bite her skin. At one point while I am biting her nipple and he is nibbling her neck, our eyes lock. I have felt, these last many months, a growing fondness for my pet. At that moment though, we are united in thought and purpose so perfectly, and we are moving in harmony over her body. It is perfect, and at that moment, I love him. Anyone who can share such an experience without jealousy or awkwardness; who can simply enjoy the series of perfect moments with me… well… what more could anyone ever ask for in another human being?

We devour her in a series of positions. We tie her to the couch. We play with her on the table. At one point, pet picks her up and holds her with her back to me, while I flog her. He tosses her around like she weighs nothing- and I know she DOES weigh nothing to him because I am twice her size and he can toss me around.

Eventually we go upstairs and they have sex while I watch. They are a mass of skinny legs, muscles, and heaving chests. I am enthralled They are more beautiful than the people in porn, and I can’t believe this much sexiness is actually in my bed right now. I reach out and touch her breasts, which are shaking as he fucks her. They are so perfect. Not for the first time, the night feels like a drunken dream, where everything is perfect because in your mind things can be just as you imagine them. It’s rare that my reality is this amazing, and I enjoy every second.

So many fun things happen that night.

At one point, pet wants to switch because she wants to see me beat him. I tie him to my balcony and hit him as hard as I can. When I use the flogger he jumps, and I snap it hard so the sound echoes off the walls. Pet cries out a few times. She winces at the sound, and he jumps in pain again as I switch to the crop. The whole time though, she grins. I hit him over and over, and she is just there in my chair looking on like an excited little kid.

“Why is this so hot?” she asks me.

I just smile.

After I beat my pet, I put him on the floor. He curls into a little ball, and she plays with him and pets his head while I finger him. He’s shy and doesn’t want me to fuck him in front of her, so I don’t. I just finger him and spank him. She seems very amused by this.

We all spend a lot of time cuddling each other on the floor. It’s where we ended up after sex on all the furniture. I watch them move against each other and I am amazed at how perfect their bodies look together, like a god and goddess on loan to me from some unknown heaven. Her skin glows softly in the candle light, a perfect amber color. When pet puts his arms around her his muscles flex and he looks so strong and powerful. They are incredible.

At some point, after we get into bed again.

Before we fall asleep, when she first comes upstairs, she lays with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and she whispers sweet words to thank me for the scenes, and to tell me how much fun she had. I hold her against me and feel her soft, perfect body.

This, right here, is what happy feels like.

Pet joins us and we put him in the middle. It’s winter and it’s very cold. Pet is warm. So while he spoons her, I spoon him. We drift off to sleep easily, and all of us are perfectly happy.

Misconceptions

Ah, the age old power struggle over who belongs in the kitchen…

 

I’ve had a lot of people act really uptight at play parties and stuff lately. I feel like there’s this misconception that because BDSM involves pain, and sometimes discipline,  it somehow has to be serious all the time.  BDSM does not have to be taken too seriously. Lots of people have fun with it!

Perhaps some of this overly-serious behavior comes from the fact that the desire to get involved in the community is something people usually have for many years before they find a way in. I feel like BDSM urges often end up buried pretty deep in someones’ mind. By the time they finally get up the guts to express them, they’ve been feeling shame about having such urges for a long time. Don’t be ashamed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to join our awesome community!

There is also this misconception that has cropped up a lot because of 50 Shades of Grey, in which people think a submissive in bed equals a submissive all the time. On the contrary, I find that it is the most powerful, aggressive people who have the desire to submit sexually. I have had powerful men come to my dungeon, and I feel like it’s the control and leadership they display every day that makes them crave some total and complete submission at night.

Sure, some people are always submissive. However, I wouldn’t ever presume to make assumptions. I meet couples often where one is always telling the other what to do out in public, but then I’ll talk to them more and realize their roles reverse in bed.

Also, I have a of girls ask how they can incorporate sex into a scene where they are being a Domme. The have this idea that being fucked in a submissive act. It’s not; and it’s absolutely possible to be a female Domme and still have sex as part of your play. You just have to know what you want, and order your partner to do it.

I can’t dispel all the myths about the community in one post, but those are just a few things I’ve had on my mind lately that I needed to get out.

/end rant

Subspace

Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!