Being Outed


Some of us who are kinky choose to tell the world, and are totally comfortable with it. My friend told everyone when he was a military contractor because they already thought the IT guys were weird, so why not? I respect that he could live like that, being “out” to vanilla people. However, it’s not something I ever wanted for myself.

At my last job, my boss was friends with someone who was dating a friend of mine. (It’s a small island and these things happen.) My friend is sort of new to the kink scene, and I don’t think it ever occurred to her that I would be really unhappy with being “outed” at work. So, she told my boss that I wrote kinky novels.


Honestly, I hated that job because of it. The awkwardness was completely unreal. My boss refused to let it go, and got really sexually harassy about it. He mocked me in staff meetings saying things like:

“You can type up a report on that, right? Just make sure not to add anything about whips or heaving breasts!” 

Then everyone would laugh in an uncomfortable way.

This went on for months, and I was relieved to leave that place. While it was going on it was something I felt a lot of anxiety about and I didn’t know how to handle it because none of my requests for my boss to lay off seemed to have an effect. I started with:

“You know, my friend really shouldn’t have told you about that. Now that you know, would you mind keeping it between us? I am not really okay with anyone knowing. That is why I don’t write under my real name.”

However, he completely ignored me and made sure to work in a comment about “heaving breasts” at literally every opportunity, no matter who was around. I know I should have sued for sexual harassment. Please don’t comment on this and ask me why I didn’t. I just don’t have it in me to fight a legal battle like that. They always treat the woman like a pariah who “can’t take a joke” and the man like some poor guy who is nice and sweet and never did a thing wrong. I cannot deal with that.

So instead, I dealt with the harassment and I let it happen and I didn’t do anything. I am weak, and I am sorry to all the women who deal with sexual harassment that I didn’t take a stand. I should have.

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The point of telling this story is three fold.

First: Never ever out someone to another person without their consent. It a person wants to be “out” about their kink, that is their choice. It is not anyone else’s choice. If you saw someone at a munch and then you see them again in different company, don’t bring up the munch! If you know someone who works with someone you know is kinky, don’t talk about it! It’s a violation.

Second: Sexual harassment sucks. If you are a woman reading this, you have my sympathy. If you are a man reading this, please start taking this kind of thing seriously. It is not okay to dismiss women who say they feel uncomfortable with your “jokes.” I am sorry, but it’s just not.

Third: My name is Lady Violet and I am a Dominatrix and a kink author. That is how I am in my community and that is how I am on my blog. However, in my mundane life I have a different name. I am not “out.” I get enough new people in the community asking me questions and being awkward. I don’t need it from the vanillas as well. So if you know me, please don’t ever out me.

For those who are out: Thank you so much for being brave enough to represent our community to the world! Thank you for patient explanations in interviews with the media and in life! I used to be that patient, but now I am older and crabbier. All of us in the community appreciate you!