I have said before that slut-shaming is wrong. I will continue to say this because so many men refuse to understand this point, and it gets tiresome.
First, I was recently called a “disgusting sex-worker” and I want to deconstruct all the things wrong with that.
Let’s start with sex workers. This would be someone who sleeps with people for money. A sex worker can be male or female. It is obviously safer to be a sex worker in a place where it is legal, because then regulations can be placed on the industry and STD tests conducted frequently.
I recently had a wonderful sex worker named Nell Gwyn do a guest post on this blog, and it was a brilliant explanation of why someone would choose to work in the sex industry, and how much fun it can be.
Nell acknowledges that some sex workers are coerced. However, legalizing this industry would allow us to shed light on who is doing the work, and make sure that all the people doing it are like Nell (willing and happy with their job.)
These people are doing a job they like, and I think most of the male spite for them comes from the fact that men can not easily get paid to have sex, and so they are very jealous.
But there is certainly another point to make here: It is not disgusting to have sex!
Why do some men hold on to this antiquated notion that sex is disgusting? And if a woman become “dirty” when she has sex with a man, then isn’t it obvious that we should be looking at HIM for making her “dirty” by touching her? Does this not imply that all men are foul creatures who put dirt on a woman by touching her?
That is ridiculous. Seriously, it’s nuts!
Sex is fun. People should have it because it is enjoyable and also good for your health. Many scientific studies have proven that people who have more sex live longer. I guess we already knew that before science studied it, because of Hugh Hefner. But seriously; it’s fun and it’s good for you. Why would anyone be against people having sex? What horrible prudes feel this way?
As I tried to explain to this person who was slut-shaming, he is only hurting himself. Men want to have sex with women. And yet, some men choose to call women awful names and treat them badly for having sex. This is obviously a case of them acting directly against their own interests. If you shame women for having sex and think they shouldn’t have it, then what will you and your fellow men have sex with, I wonder? Does this mean men should stop sleeping with women (since it makes them dirty and disgusting) and fuck goats instead? Is that somehow cleaner and better?
But if you are a man, and you do want to have sex with a women, then you are nothing short of stupid and wrong to shame women for having sex. It hurts your cause more than anything else you could do, and never have I seen a more clear example of someone acting against their own interests.
Then there’s the fact that this vanilla person does not even know what a sex worker actually is. It is someone who performs sex acts for money, as per the definition.
To explain all the ways a Dominatrix is not a sex worker, I have to start by telling you that a dungeon is a safe place for a BDSM couple to go learn more about the kink scene, and to play. Because a dungeon is a space that vanilla people do not understand, let me explain what happens in a dungeon.
A person who works there (which has been me at two different dungeons over 10 years) will show you around. We will explain the rules. In most dungeons it is fine to have sex, and it is fine to be nude. But you may not take out your phone or any device with a camera, touch anyone without permission, or interrupt anyone else’s “scene.”
When we say “safe, sane, and consensual” we really mean it.
After a couple is given the tour, they will be allowed to explore the various things the dungeon has to offer. These will be things like cages, sex swings, and BDSM furniture. It is typical for people to bring their own toys, because the sharing of bodily fluids is never encouraged. You also typically find wet wipes with alcohol around, so you can disinfect any furniture you use, just like wiping down a machine at the gym.
But a Dominatrix does more than just give tours. We also teach workshops on scene negotiation, BDSM for new folks, how to use toys like a violet wand or a flogger, and how to conduct an open relationship. I have done workshops on these and many other topics. During the workshops where I am teaching the use of a toy, I will generally have a submissive who acts as my demo bunny so people can actually see the toy in action. However if no one is available, I can of course demonstrate certain things on myself, like the girl above showing how a violet wand works.
A sex worker is different because they are not teaching someone how to act in a dungeon or how to use a flogger. They are actually engaging in sex acts for money. I do not think this is wrong, and I admire all the sex workers I know and have known (I met my first when I was 16. Her name was Julia and she was amazing!).
However, I do not personally participate in sex acts for money, because it is simply not something that falls within my personal comfort level. And that does not mean it is wrong! It simple means it’s not MY thing, much like blood play or a few other hard limits of mine.
So the person who claimed a Dominatrix is a sex worker and that sex workers are disgusting did so for several reasons. The main reason is, of course, ignorance of BDSM and what happens at a dungeon. But also there is an inherit bias in this thinking, involving the religious idea that sex is somehow wrong or dirty (which of course it is not) and that women are somehow made less by having sex (which of course they are not.) It is actually hard to be more wrong than he was, and I hope someday he realizes his vast mistakes in logic and in character.
Disclaimer: If you are religious, good for you. But in my experience that comes with a lot of baggage about sex. I have had to counsel a lot of people about their feelings of shame when it comes to sex, and personally I think it is horrible that people are taught to be ashamed of natural biological functions. So if you are religious, fine. But for the love of all that is logical and rational, don’t teach your kids to be ashamed of sex! Teach them how to be safe, and how to know when they are ready. But do not instill the same and disgust that these slut-shaming folks have had instilled in them. There is nothing more unnatural and wrong.