BDSM Resources

LadyPimPuppyPlay


It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Female Dommes

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I get a lot of questions from women about how to dominate men. I have written a few posts about it before, but since everyone asked for more:

First: It is all about attitude.

I use music to get into the mood. I like Selfless, Element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Children of Bodom. I find them to be very empowering bands. I put on my clothes and set up the scene I want to play while listening to loud music. Setting up a scene is really important because you want to have all your toys out where you can reach them. It breaks the scene up if you have to stop and go looking for something.

Second: It’s all in your head.

Yes, you can whip your sub. You can tie them up, blindfold them, spank them, and force them to pleasure you. There are definitely a lot of dominant actions that you can do to another person.

However, it’s not so much the whips and chains that matter. Most of BDSM is selling the idea that you are in control and helping your sub get into a headspace where they are yours. You can do this with words, actions, or whatever makes you feel comfortable. I like to make sure to push them into positions and manhandle them in such a way that they feel forced into each position, but like I said, you can also use verbal degradation or anything else you want.

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Third: The problem with penetration.

There is definitely a perception that being fucked is a submissive act. The problem there is that men have penises; even submissive men. And they want to stick them in things. So how do you deal with that?

Well, one way is to take control of every aspect of it. Lay back and tell them exactly what to do. Instruct them on how fast they can go, make them stop when they are getting into it, and don’t let them cum without permission. Use subtle forms of control to ensure that even when you let a sub male penetrate you, they know that you are the one in control.

And of course, you can always get a strap on, lay down on the couch, and tell them to fuck themself. Make sure to use lube since boys don’t make their own.
Finally: Extras Help.

If you are having trouble finding your inner Domme, that’s okay. It’s not always easy. So start by buying yourself some sexy leather or vinyl so you can feel like you look the part. Get some fuck-me boots and practice walking in them.

Then get some toys. Yes, you can use rope or gear ties for cheap DIY bondage, but that won’t help you feel powerful (unless it does, in which case you rock!) However, most of us feel more empowered by leather cuffs. One, it eliminates the hassle of tying knots that your sub might get out of. Two, it looks cool and feel fun to put on them. And try out all the whips at the store until you hold the one that makes you feel like a Goddess.

I know, gear is expensive. And to some it may not be necessary or worth it. But I know that on the days when I am just not feeling it, putting on my vinyl helps. And so does pulling out and arranging my whips and cuffs and floggers and such.

This is just a few things that I find helpful, but as always, do your thing.

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Parts of a Scene

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A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

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Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

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Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do.  Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

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Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

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Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

Music to have Kinky Sex to

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I am often asked what is good dungeon music. This is largely a matter of opinion, and I can’t tell you what you should listen to when you have sex.

That said, here are some of my favorites:

Element a440, Kookie Kutter

Faderhead, Aim to misbehave

Hardwire, Sex Slave

Rammstein, Pussy (Sadly censored)

Selfless, Clarity

Note: All I could find was a live video on youtube, but if you can find any of their albums they are absolutely divine to do kinky things to.) 

Hedley, Don’t Talk To Strangers

Note: I just like this one because I am a cougar most of the time.

So obviously anything my Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Mason is good for a dungeon environment. Once at a play party we ended up watching LMFAO videos because the power of laughter can not be underestimated. *Shrugs*

I personally like a lot of heavy metal like Children of Bodeom and Cradle of Filth. I recognize that this is not for everyone. But if I want to hit someone hard, it really helps. Plus it’s good for what I guess you called fucking. Porn-style sex, you know? I like that…