Enticing Your Dom

Why doesn’t my Dom play scenes as much?

I get very few questions from submissives, which may be simply due to their nature, or which may be due to my own. Either way, a charming women asked me:

“When we were dating, we used to play scenes all the time. Now that he moved in with me, my Dom almost never sets up scenes for me. Why is that?”

I had to probe a little bit further into the relationship to get a clear picture of why that would be, but here is what it comes down to:

1. Change in Behavior

The submissive used to write these long, heartfelt essays to her Dom about how much she loved this or that element of a scene. She did this is the time that she was sitting alone at her apartment. When her Dom did come to see her, she always made sure to wear cute clothes and act as sexy as possible. In other words: She used to be grateful and she used to aim to impress.

However, once her Dom moved in, she stopped writing to him (since she was never alone at home missing him anymore.) And, she stopped prancing around trying to impress him because he was always around and keeping that up 24/7 is exhausting.

The Problem: 

Submissive folks may not realize this, but getting into a Dominant headspace requires ego. Someone has to be stroking your ego to make you want to set up and play out a scene. It’s a lot of work to get a playlist you like, set up the toys and the space, and then get into the headspace needed to truly dominate someone and be in total control.

It’s harder still to do all of that with someone that you have come to love, because the very comfort that love provides runs counter to feelings of dominance.

If a submissive used to write kinky love letters and act cute and then they stop, then all activity that prompted feelings of Dominance is gone. You are effectively expecting your Dom to do all of the work, but you are not doing any yourself.

Don’t worry. We all get lazy in relationships sometimes. It’s understandable. However, if you get lazy, then you should not be surprised if your Dom gets lazy too.

The Solution: 

Every kinky couple that I know who is still going strong has a sub who has never stopped trying to please their master. He/she is always vocal about wanting to serve, and they have continued the behaviors that made their Dom want to set up scenes for them in the first place.

Maybe you feel like there are things that have come up in the relationship that have caused you to feel resentful. Maybe because of those things, you have stopped trying to be appealing to your Dom. This can happen.

However, if you want them to be inspired to tie you down and play with you until you scream, then you have to give them something first: Respect and some ego stroking. That is the trade-off, and there is no way around it. No one is just going to set up scenes for you and make you feel magical if you aren’t doing anything for them. Relationships involve give and take, not just taking. (Even vanilla relationships involve effort by both partners.)

2. Keep It Fresh

Let’s say that your Dom had a lot of toys when you met. Let’s say that those toys are fun, but that they are getting a little boring for your Dom and so they are less interested in playing with them. I mean, how many times can you get excited by the same old flogger? Not many.

And then there is the matter of you, dear submissive. How have you tried to please your master today? Is it the same old way as always? Did you just ask if they wanted a back rub or offer to go down on them? If it’s tired, then they are tired of it.

Worse, sometimes a sub will turn their master down any time they bring up a new idea, forever insisting that anything new is a “hard no” and “outside their comfort zone.”

The Problem: 

Your Dom is a human being. Human beings are bored by routines. If you don’t offer anything new, or say no to all their ideas for something new, then they are going to stop wanting to play. That is not unusual and if you are surprised by this, you are being naive.

The Solution: 

First, consider buying your master a new toy for a special occasion such as Valentine’s day. Dress cute, set a nice mood, and present them with a new whip or a new set of cuffs, and tell them that you would be honored if they used the new item on you.

Next, try something new. If you are always offering to rub their shoulders, mix it up and ask if you can comb/brush their hair. If you are the sentimental type, bake them a cake or create some sort of memento to honor an anniversary or special occasion. Find some new way of expressing your feelings of submission and adoration.

And finally, stop saying no. So many submissives turn down all new ideas in a relationship because they are comfortable. Don’t do that. Or, if you have to, then come up with a counter offer. Example: He asks to fist your ass. You think you have not worked your way up to that and that even your big butt plug is not that big. Okay. That is fair. But come up with a counter proposal. Example: “Well, I think that might really hurt me, but I would be willing to try a bigger butt plug or wear a tail for you.”

3. Make Space for Kink

A lot of times, a couple who does not live together will look forward to playing a kink scene and have lots of alone time to set it up or get ready to go be part of it. They can text and talk about how excited they are, and what they want to do. They have time to think, plan, and fantasize.

The Problem: 

Once you live together, you are having the mundane moments together as well. Now, don’t get me wrong! I live life in the mundane. I love little moments when I am cooking with my husband, or cuddling while watching TV after dinner. The non-sexual moments that you share are so important, because they help shape so much of who you are as a couple. They matter.

However, those moments fill up your days, and you find that there never seems to be a “right time” to engage in kink. Sex might happen organically when you go to bed, but a whole scene with all the toys, music, etc might not.

Side Note: I think even when kinky people have “vanilla” sex, they are still enjoying power dynamics and having more fun than vanilla people.

Still, you might find that as comfort and love creep in, there seems to be less time and space for kink.

The Solution: 

You need to make space in your relationship for kink. For me, eating a meal with my husband involves watching TV because I am one of the those psychotic people who hates the sound of chewing. The cooking, eating, and watching TV is comfortable and makes it impossible to get into the kink headspace.

To solve this, I told him that some days he should let me know that he would eat on the way home. That way, we can eat separately and meet up just for sex.

Conclusion:

These are just a few suggestions. And of course, each relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to be honest about what you want, and for your partner to be honest about what they want. Then you just work to have it together.

FAQs for The Magically Delicious Super Slut

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I write a lot about common questions related to BDSM.

Today I want to address some common questions that are posed to me personally by people who read this blog. Call this my FAQ that I never thought to write until now:

1. Will you have sex with me?

The answer is probably not. No offense. I just got old at some point and really tired of bad sex. In my old age (30’s) I am looking for people who already know what they are doing, will provide me with a clean STD test prior to sexual contact, and can approach me with a better line than “Will you have sex with me?”

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2. Are you a prostitute? 

No. I worked at a dungeon when I was younger doing non-sexual scenes and workshops. I never did sex work.

These days, I write kink books, do workshops, and occasionally agree to a public speaking appearance. However, I should note that I think sex workers are wonderful people and I fully support the decriminalization of sex work.

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3. How do I make friends in a new scene?

I always suggest getting on fetlife.com and finding the local groups in your area. If you get on there and don’t see anything, maybe that is a cue for you to be the one who starts something. It’s not like a munch is a big commitment of time or money. Just make a post suggesting a meetup at a coffee place or something, and make sure the post is a week or two before the date of the much because some of us don’t get on fetlife much.

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4. Why can’t I find a play partner? 

The biggest problem seems to be that you are new to the scene, have been fantasizing about kink for years, and are now looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies.

Stop obsessing over yourself and your own fantasies, and start focusing on asking what other people are interested in.

Oftentimes the people who tell me that they can’t find a play partner are stuck in a place where they are finally “ready” to find a kinky partner, but they haven’t really gotten far enough to realize that we are people. As such, we all have our own wants and desires and are not objects to use to fulfill your fantasies.

If you can remember that, you should do just fine.

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5. What if I am only ready for an online relationship?

I will be honest: Anyone that has been in the kink community for a long time is probably not looking for an online relationship. I don’t even talk to people online to “get to know them” anymore. If their profile looks okay, I insist on coffee or lunch right off the bat. I will not waste my time with someone only to discover that we are not compatible in person.

Remember, online relationships are most beneficial to people who are not ready for a kink relationship in person. If someone is ready for a kink relationship in person, they will go have one.

So if you want someone to “dominate you online” and tell you when to wear your butt plug or how often you are allowed to masturbate, THAT is the kind of thing you are likely to have to pay for. You might check back page or silk road or somewhere like that to find a Domme who will be in an online relationship with you. It’s not illegal since there is no money-for-sex, so it’s not that hard to find.

But for the love of all the gods both living and dead, do not ask ME for an online relationship. I have way too much going on, and I am not interested in relationships unless they are mostly about sex. I have no need for an emotional connection with anyone. I am married and have a boyfriend. That is quite enough for me without wasting my time in a relationship where I won’t even be having sex.

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6. Why are you so mean?

This is usually the response I get after someone writes me with an unreasonable request, and I tell them that their request is unreasonable.

Example: This guy wrote to me saying “I would like you to accompany me and my (Asian) girlfriend to Club Desire this week.”

Let’s unpack that statement because there is a lot here.

First: If you check my location, you will find out that I live in Guam. Yes. I wrote about Club Desire. I wrote about it when I lived in Korea. I don’t live there anyone.

Second: I don’t care what you want. I am sorry, but I don’t. I am a busy person with a lot going on, and I simply don’t have time to care what you want. As a general rule, if you want people to care what you have to say, never ever start with telling them what you want from them. No one cares.

Third: I am deeply offended when a white guy starts dating an Asian girl and feels the need to tell everyone “My Asian girlfriend…”

Look; Asians are people. That girl that you only identify as “Asian” also has a family and a job and a whole life. She might be a writer or a translator. She might be an engineer or a truck driver. She is not an object to be fetishized as simply “Asian.” If you do this, I immediately assume that you are a racist piece of shit that can’t see beyond someone’s skin color.

Forth:  And finally, he said “this week.” What kind of person only makes plans a week in advance?!? Look I am busy! I make plans at least two weeks in advance.

Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, okay? You being a douche is why I am mean. That guy was so offended that I wrote a polite response declining his invitation that he harassed me for an entire day with messages until I actually found out who he was, discovered he was in the air force, and sent his harassing messages to his commanding offer with a complaint about his behavior. If I could have found his mom’s e-mail address I would have sent them to her as well.

And that is why I am mean.

I am constantly harassed by assholes who think I owe them something because I write a blog about kink and they want to have kinky sex. I don’t owe you anything. I write this blog for free in my own time because I am a nice person and I want to help educate people. I don’t get paid to do this. I certainly don’t owe you sex because I do it.

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7. What are you really like?

To be honest, I have no writer’s “Voice.” What you read is what you get. This is just me. I am probably nicer in real life because I am human. Humans tend to be nicer to people they know and value as friends than they are to strangers on the internet. But otherwise, this really is pretty much who and what I am.

And that, I think, sums up the answers to the most common questions I get in my inbox. If you want to ask me something more interesting, my e-mail is still: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com