I write a lot about common questions related to BDSM.
Today I want to address some common questions that are posed to me personally by people who read this blog. Call this my FAQ that I never thought to write until now:
1. Will you have sex with me?
The answer is probably not. No offense. I just got old at some point and really tired of bad sex. In my old age (30’s) I am looking for people who already know what they are doing, will provide me with a clean STD test prior to sexual contact, and can approach me with a better line than “Will you have sex with me?”
2. Are you a prostitute?
No. I worked at a dungeon when I was younger doing non-sexual scenes and workshops. I never did sex work.
These days, I write kink books, do workshops, and occasionally agree to a public speaking appearance. However, I should note that I think sex workers are wonderful people and I fully support the decriminalization of sex work.
3. How do I make friends in a new scene?
I always suggest getting on fetlife.com and finding the local groups in your area. If you get on there and don’t see anything, maybe that is a cue for you to be the one who starts something. It’s not like a munch is a big commitment of time or money. Just make a post suggesting a meetup at a coffee place or something, and make sure the post is a week or two before the date of the much because some of us don’t get on fetlife much.
4. Why can’t I find a play partner?
The biggest problem seems to be that you are new to the scene, have been fantasizing about kink for years, and are now looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies.
Stop obsessing over yourself and your own fantasies, and start focusing on asking what other people are interested in.
Oftentimes the people who tell me that they can’t find a play partner are stuck in a place where they are finally “ready” to find a kinky partner, but they haven’t really gotten far enough to realize that we are people. As such, we all have our own wants and desires and are not objects to use to fulfill your fantasies.
If you can remember that, you should do just fine.
5. What if I am only ready for an online relationship?
I will be honest: Anyone that has been in the kink community for a long time is probably not looking for an online relationship. I don’t even talk to people online to “get to know them” anymore. If their profile looks okay, I insist on coffee or lunch right off the bat. I will not waste my time with someone only to discover that we are not compatible in person.
Remember, online relationships are most beneficial to people who are not ready for a kink relationship in person. If someone is ready for a kink relationship in person, they will go have one.
So if you want someone to “dominate you online” and tell you when to wear your butt plug or how often you are allowed to masturbate, THAT is the kind of thing you are likely to have to pay for. You might check back page or silk road or somewhere like that to find a Domme who will be in an online relationship with you. It’s not illegal since there is no money-for-sex, so it’s not that hard to find.
But for the love of all the gods both living and dead, do not ask ME for an online relationship. I have way too much going on, and I am not interested in relationships unless they are mostly about sex. I have no need for an emotional connection with anyone. I am married and have a boyfriend. That is quite enough for me without wasting my time in a relationship where I won’t even be having sex.
6. Why are you so mean?
This is usually the response I get after someone writes me with an unreasonable request, and I tell them that their request is unreasonable.
Example: This guy wrote to me saying “I would like you to accompany me and my (Asian) girlfriend to Club Desire this week.”
Let’s unpack that statement because there is a lot here.
First: If you check my location, you will find out that I live in Guam. Yes. I wrote about Club Desire. I wrote about it when I lived in Korea. I don’t live there anyone.
Second: I don’t care what you want. I am sorry, but I don’t. I am a busy person with a lot going on, and I simply don’t have time to care what you want. As a general rule, if you want people to care what you have to say, never ever start with telling them what you want from them. No one cares.
Third: I am deeply offended when a white guy starts dating an Asian girl and feels the need to tell everyone “My Asian girlfriend…”
Look; Asians are people. That girl that you only identify as “Asian” also has a family and a job and a whole life. She might be a writer or a translator. She might be an engineer or a truck driver. She is not an object to be fetishized as simply “Asian.” If you do this, I immediately assume that you are a racist piece of shit that can’t see beyond someone’s skin color.
Forth: And finally, he said “this week.” What kind of person only makes plans a week in advance?!? Look I am busy! I make plans at least two weeks in advance.
Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, okay? You being a douche is why I am mean. That guy was so offended that I wrote a polite response declining his invitation that he harassed me for an entire day with messages until I actually found out who he was, discovered he was in the air force, and sent his harassing messages to his commanding offer with a complaint about his behavior. If I could have found his mom’s e-mail address I would have sent them to her as well.
And that is why I am mean.
I am constantly harassed by assholes who think I owe them something because I write a blog about kink and they want to have kinky sex. I don’t owe you anything. I write this blog for free in my own time because I am a nice person and I want to help educate people. I don’t get paid to do this. I certainly don’t owe you sex because I do it.
7. What are you really like?
To be honest, I have no writer’s “Voice.” What you read is what you get. This is just me. I am probably nicer in real life because I am human. Humans tend to be nicer to people they know and value as friends than they are to strangers on the internet. But otherwise, this really is pretty much who and what I am.
And that, I think, sums up the answers to the most common questions I get in my inbox. If you want to ask me something more interesting, my e-mail is still: firstname.lastname@example.org