Feminists in BDSM

My husband is a feminist. That means that he believes in equal rights for both men and women. I am also a feminist. This is hard for both of us because he is in the military. I can not tell you how horrible the other military spouses have been to me because I work, make more money than my husband, believe in enjoying sex, etc…

One theme comes up over and over. These women, when it comes right down to it, are close-minded and stuck in the 1950’s. They actually talk about how giving blowjobs is gross. Many of them insist that they would never do it. To them, a blowjob is kinky and scary and strange.

So I began to see a correlation of sorts; particularly when trying to date other men associated with the military (because that’s a whole lot of what there is in Guam.)

These men think feminism is a bad word, and they are afraid of me because I know what I want. They think going down on a girl is gross, and don’t have a clue how the female orgasm works.

And more and more I am beginning to see that kinky people are mostly feminists, and vanilla people are still fighting away at some silly “battle of the sexes” watching terrible comedians who mock women for being too stupid to get dressed on time, and mock men for being too stupid to load a dishwasher.

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So let’s talk about this.

First, my husband is able to load a dishwasher. He is not unable to do household tasks, and the idea that men are “too stupid for housework” is simply a trick men pulled on women to keep them in their place. Don’t fall into that trap, because that isn’t helping anyone.

A man can do anything a woman can do, and I know many men who are capable of cooking, cleaning, sowing, knitting, and all kinds of “girl” things.

Also, I can work on a car. I can shoot a gun. I can do all kinds of things that are “boy” things, and so can other women.

We are both capable genders with lots going for us. Maybe women take a little longer to get ready because shaving takes time and makeup takes time, and girl clothes are a pain in the ass. But if you mock a women for this, you may end up with one that doesn’t wear makeup or girl clothes or shave. So keep it in perspective.

Meanwhile, men are not often as adept at housework right off the bat because no one taught them. Women often endure a great deal of socialization by their mothers (“Let me show you how to do the laundry honey. You’ll need to wash your husband’s clothes some day.”) Men do not get that socialization and so they often have a steeper learning curve.


None of this is in any way related to our value as humans.

Women are worth exactly what men are worth.

We are as capable.

The places I see these artificial barriers the most are with less educated and more vanilla folks. And so I just want to take a moment to thank my beloved BDSM community for being full of people smart enough to raise themselves up beyond the divisive bullshit and actually see what equality means.

If you are reading this blog, then I imagine you are a feminist. So am I. So is my husband. And the facts stand. We’re better in bed, we have more fun, and we treat everyone with respect. I hope someday the rest of the world catches up with us.


Feminism in BDSM



Feminism in the BDSM community is a confusing issue. Of course, feminism means being able to do whatever you want regardless of your gender. So, being a stay-at-home-mom is fine if you chose it, and being a career woman is fine if you chose it. Because the point is the freedom to have your own opinion and make your own decisions, regardless of gender stereotypes.

That being said, the majority of the couples in the BDSM community here in Portland (and other places I have been) seem to be male Doms and female submissives. And I KNOW those women are choosing to be submissive so it shouldn’t bother me (as long as it’s a choice it’s okay, right?). Yet somehow, it really does bother me sometimes.

I mean, I’m not the only one having these issues. The internet is full of women debating this. So I tried to narrow down what exactly it is that bothers me about all the men and women playing out “traditional gender roles” in the bedroom. (Traditional gender roles as per society throughout history; i.e. women being submissive to men.)

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Now, as you know, I worked for several years as a Dominatrix. I spent a lot of time dominating men. So, unlike most women who have written about this issue, I don’t fall on the submissive side of things.

Some have suggested that being mostly a Domme means I’ll just never “get it.” But, I have switched before, and I do sometimes take a more submissive role. I’d like to think I have a well-rounded perspective on the subject. Or at least, enough all-around experience to have a decent idea of the various opinion involved.



So here’s the deal:

Men in lots of countries in the world still buy and sell women. Women are still exploited in many ways. My friend in Pakistan posts awful stories about girls being forced to marry men older than their fathers. The sex trade in places like the Philippines is disturbing. In Iran, women are stoned to death for the crime of being raped.

And even in countries that think they are progressive like the USA, studies show that women still make less money than men, and are still pushed into secretary and teaching positions, while being pushed away from engineering and science.

We have a lot of work to do all over the world to reach equality.

And when you realize that, you have to accept that women were submissive socially to men until very recently; and for most of recorded history in most countries around the world. Men have nearly always been in charge of the government and the courts in societies, and as such, they have almost always controlled the destinies of women.

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I know this is why it bothers me to see so many women acting as submissives. I want women to be equal to men socially, in every society on Earth. And because they are not, I sometimes get frustrated that so many women choose to be submissive.

So I’d like to apologize to any female subs I have offended over the years. I am trying very hard to be accepting of your choice. Just remember to make sure it IS always your choice, and let’s keep it safe, sane, and consensual.