Women Get Bored Too

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I was talking to a guy on Fetlife who is married, but whose wife doesn’t know he is on there. Basically he messaged me to ask if he could come to an event, admitted that he has a wife, and said he would lie to her about coming.

He seemed to think that people on Fetlife should have no problem with cheating, (because obviously kinky people have no morals?) I was pretty offended (obviously) by that bit. So I told him:

You should tell your wife. Kinky people are not cool with infidelity.

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However, let’s set the issue of morals aside. There is something else I want to talk about.

This guy said that his wife was perfectly happy in their marriage, and that she was not kinky or curious. He said she was a virgin when they got together, and she is never bored with him. He said he just knows that she adores him. But of course, he said he was bored with her, so he needed to cheat through Fetlife “to get what he needed.” That is about the point when I could feel my blood boiling up inside of me.

Obviously, I don’t know these people personally.

But, I do know the facts.

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Women struggle more with monogamy than men. There is plenty of evidence that many women are more likely to report their relationship as “happy,” but that the sex is lackluster.

Sometimes women mistake a lack of sexual excitement for “falling out of love” and then mistake sexual lust for the next person they meet as “falling in love.”

No matter how you slice it, the truth is that women are just less likely to enjoy monogamy (according to science.) Even in a recent conversation with some of my vanilla girl friends, I found that they were very open to swinging or dating outside the marriage.

To sum up, more women report being bored and not feeling sexual desire than men. That is just a fact that we know, and it means that there is a higher chance that your wife is bored than you.

In fact, if you are bored, science can almost guarantee that your wife is.

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So the point is: Talk to your fucking wife/girlfriend/whatever. Don’t make assumptions about how another person feels. That is never okay.

Also, when I told Cheating SOB (this guy’s screen name) that he should just talk to his wife, he asked me what he should say.

First, recognize the fact that: I don’t know your wife! You know your wife. I bet you know better how to bring things up with her!

Generic Advice:

Do some laundry. Cook. Clean. Take her to dinner. Have sex. And after sex in the dark, ask her if she ever feels like the romance is gone, or like she’s not as attracted to you as she used to be. Let her know that it is okay to be honest.

Then, ask her how she would feel about trying new things in bed that she might be interested in. Ask if she has any fantasies. (Yes, it does have to be about her if you want it to work. Keep your own shit to yourself for awhile until you do some stuff she wants.)

If you are interested in being poly, as her if she would ever consider dating someone else. Make it clear that she would date someone else first before you, so you could both see how you felt about it. Because if it is your idea, then it should be her who tries to go on dates first and her who has sex outside the marriage first.

If and only if you are both okay with that, then you can start to date.

This way it doesn’t feel like a free-for-all or a competition, but rather, a careful and considered growth in the relationship.

So what is the key to getting your spouse to try new things in bed or to open up the relationship? Make the focus on what they want instead of being a selfish ass. I think we can infer from Cheating SOB’s screen name and the fact that he is trying to hook up with people off Fetlife that he is a self-centered narcissist. But if YOU are not a self-centered narcissist, then I think this can easily work for you.

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Club Sanctuary

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Oregon has a few options for swingers clubs like The Velvet Rope and Club Privata. They sometimes do kink nights with suspensions and toys, but they don’t have fully-equipped dungeons. For dungeons, there were only a few private choices like Meadhall.  If you weren’t friends with the owners, then you were stuck checking Fetlife.com for kink events put on at various clubs like the Bossanova Ballroom.

So when I heard about Club Sanctuary opening up, I was extremely excited! Portland has needed a public dungeon space, and now they have one.

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Imagine my disappointment when I found out that they have cameras in the front room! I had just written a post about being outed and how it was NOT okay. Then I find out that this dungeon keeps video of the people who play there. That makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Now it’s true, the cameras are only in the main room. And yes, you could wear a mask and clothes that hide any visible scars or tattoos. And if that is your thing, then you should do it. My Pet had a lot of fun there playing kinky Jenga, and if you are fine with being on video at a dungeon, then I highly recommend it.

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Unfortunately, I come from a very old-school way of thinking after 20 years in the kink community, and I am not okay with being outed or risking video evidence of me in a dungeon. So, I did not go in.

I am pleased to say that Pet had a good time. He talked to the owners and said that they seem nice. And he felt that it was at least as nice as the CSPC used to be, minus the library and learning annex.

As for me, if they decide to get rid of the cameras, I will be happy to go. Until then, I can only tell you that if your personal threshold for exposure is lower than mine, you will probably like it and you should check it out.

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Dating Woes

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I sometimes use this blog to vent, and this is one of those times. I know first dates are difficult, and kink first dates are more complicated than most. And yet, even in a complicated subculture, I expect better than my recent meeting.

Recently I was talking with a guy off fetlife.com, and he seemed like a pretty decent human. I agreed to meet him because I hate wasting time chatting with someone for weeks on end only to find out that they are gross in person.

(In my opinion, this is an attitude that most people in their 30’s have. It’s a huge waste of time to message back and forth like teenagers while being nervous about meeting up. I just want to look people in the eyes and see if they are cool or not first thing.)

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We met in a park by my house (it’s a public place so I know I am safe, but not a place where I am obligated to buy anything because I am cheap), and that was when I realized that this guy was clueless.

I mean straight-up without a damn clue.

He had only ever watched kink porn, and it was obvious that he was conflicted about actually doing a kinky thing. It was also obvious that he didn’t look at people in the scene as people; but rather as nothing more than vehicles to fulfill a fantasy that he is ashamed of.

Not only that, but he confessed after some nervous pacing that he is married, and his wife doesn’t know that he’s even into kink.

Best part: I was supposed to just be chill with all those issues.

Like I said: Clueless.

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I didn’t even know where to begin in terms of saying “This really isn’t cool.” I knew it had to wait until he was not in the same place as me because his pacing made me think he could become violent.

So, I waited until we parted ways and then I sent him a message.

It would have been a public service for me to explain to him all the various things that he did wrong. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like getting into a long conversation about why you shouldn’t spend the first date only talking about what you want while pacing like a psycho.

In the message, I just told him that I wasn’t okay with the fact that he lies to his wife. (Which is true. If my husband lied to me I wouldn’t be happy at all.)

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BDSM requires trust, and honesty. That definitely means that you shouldn’t lie to your wife.

However, women who are kinky are also people. No really, we are people. So we aren’t really keen to hear all about your fantasies and all your selfish wants, rather than having you ask us what we are interested in.

You know what else: noobs suck. Be a decent human being and read up on the kink community first before you waste someone’s time on a date. Learn. Read. Get a clue. Don’t go out with someone from the community when you have never been to a single kink event, don’t know anything about it, and have a bunch of issues in your head about kink because you haven’t accepted yourself yet.

And finally, don’t act like a psycho. Pacing like crazy and being unable to talk like a normal person is weird. Don’t be weird.

Gods I hate dating.

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Free Speech in the Digital World

This seems like a really odd place to be writing about free speech. It’s a kink blog. What could kink possibly have to do with free speech, right?

Well, there have been some controversies involving Fetlife.com and free speech over the years. This is something that I have given a lot of thought to. I used to be a journalist, and so the first amendment has always held a special place in my heart, right next to dark chocolate and my favorite flogger.

The first controversy about free speech on fetlife came up after a girl was raped, and she wanted to out her rapist on her own page.

I get all the conflicting issues there. I realize that if the guy was not guilty then it could be considered defamation. I get that social media isn’t like sitting around a table getting coffee, because a third party (the platform) could be held responsible. I took enough law classes in college to see all the conflicts.

However, I was shocked at how unapologetic fetlife was about banning her without even finding out if charges had been filed or if her rapist had been convicted. They (the men running the site) were very quick to punish the victim without even a second thought.

The second free speech controversy that came up was when fetlife started deleting groups. For example, they decided that adult baby play was simply too risky for the site. Of course they cited reasons like legal risk and financial risk, but there is certainly a question as to how anything consenting adults agree to could be illegal.

Again, I know that people have said that it doesn’t matter because the groups can just use codes and only trade pictures/ideas/etc in person. I know people will say that we should all be terrified of the government and therefore censor ourselves before anyone tells us to. And, I know what everyone chants “better safe than sorry” because I remember what the community was like before we had the Internet and it sucked. I don’t want to go back to fliers in some scummy shop and walks down random alleys looking for secret clubs.

So I guess this brings me to the central question: How much freedom of speech do you ever really have right now as kinky people?

To be honest, it seems like we don’t have much.

And, if we want to protect ourselves in an environment where our browser history can now be sold and the President tried to find the address of people who mock him on Twitter, do we even want to speak freely?

My professor in Media Law was extremely insistent that no one should ever write anything down. As soon as you write it down, there is proof that you wrote it. It could be misconstrued and come back to haunt you, and so you shouldn’t do it.

The government is always watching, he said. And, you never know when they are going to decide that whatever you are into is no longer acceptable.

On the other hand, when I was in college, everyone I knew had a LiveJournal account where they poured out their hearts to no one every night when they went home. Friends posted pictures of their children doing embarrassing things with no thought to how those children would feel with those pictures online forever. And, sites like Myspace and Facebook were luring everyone into putting their entire lives online. Some people argue that when everyone’s entire life is online, it takes a whole lot to stand out.

An old woman once told me that society swings from conservative to liberal, and back again. The 1950’s were conservative and rigid, so the 1960’s were wild, she said.

So, I guess I have to wonder if data and freedom of speech online will be the same. Perhaps we were in our 1960’s just now with data, having virtual orgies in a time when the Internet was still the wild west and the government couldn’t track everything you did to an IP address and then arrest you.

Perhaps things are swinging back around to conservative now, and it really is a good time to be careful until we all get better at encrypting our computers.

The obvious solution is to push harder for mainstream acceptance of kink. We all deserve the right to talk about this stuff openly as part of our lives, just like someone would talk about any other aspect of their personality. We shouldn’t have to worry that it will be criminalized, or that someone will put people with a certain fetish on a watchlist.

I would encourage you to write to your Congressional Representatives advocating for protection of Internet browsing, freedom on Internet forums, and laws protecting our community. You don’t have to sign the letter or use your own return address. I understand the desire to be careful. But, put the request out into the universe even if it is anonymous. And if you are in a position to do so, maybe use your real name and address.

When censorship pushes, we should do our best to push back.

 

Dating Online and the Community

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The subject of dating has come up a lot in my life lately. You all know by now about the person I love in Arizona who is going through a divorce. I have been struggling to help him find things to be happy about now that he has lost his home and family.

It’s not easy.

His idea for dating was to go back through old flames and see if any of them were still around. I guess that makes sense. When you are hurt, go for the familiar.

Of course when that didn’t go well, I suggested online dating.

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He tried valiantly to meet girls off several sites, but none were very interested in talking abut ideas, and instead wanted to talk about people and events. If you don’t get the joke there, look up Eleanor Roosevelt.

So thus far, he has met with limited success and this has made him decide to give up on dating for the time being. I tried in vein to change his mind, and tried to talk about the virtues of getting to know new and exciting people, and how wonderful falling in love is.

Then I logged into Fetlife and I remembered that he’s right.

Dating does suck.

My bad.

I was wrong.

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Let me tell you about the two new prizewinning jerks who sent me messaged while I was trying to sell the idea that dating is wonderful.

Jerk Number One:

This guy messaged me with “Wat up you down to fuk?”

Let that sentence (bad grammar and spelling and all) sink in to your brain, and then realize that this is not a person I knew. This is a random stranger. I guess he’s new to the area (that’s literally all his profile said) and he doesn’t realize that it’s a small pond, and you can’t afford to be an asshat to even one person.

I tried to be polite, and respond by saying that he would benefit from having a profile picture and some information about himself. I went on to suggest that he should maybe treat women like people and start with “Hello.”

(No really, you can treat women like people. They even actually are people. I know that is hard for some folks to grasp, but it’s true!)

Naturally, Jerk Number One wrote back:

“Ur ugy anyway u fat cunt.”

So that’s one more swing and miss for me trying to civilize the masses one guy at a time. I honestly don’t know why I try. I should just ignore them like most girls do.

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P.S. It’s hilarious how some guys whine “I message girls all the time and they never respond.” See? That’s how you know they are a jerk. They send nasty messages all the time and women ignore them because most women don’t respond to abusive dickwads. If they were nice guys, women would respond. That’s how that works. 

Jerk Number Two:

This guy actually started out perfectly nice, and said he’d like to play scenes with me.

Normally, anyone who will talk to me nicely gets coffee at least. However, I noted that he was 65.

Now, I was molested as a child, so I have a thing about not dating older guys (and this one is ten years older than my father!) I am just not okay with it. If there are girls out there looking for a “daddy to spoil them” then more power to them! You do you. But I personally don’t do older guys.

I very nicely said that I am on the younger side of the 30’s (as indicted by my profile) and that I am uncomfortable dating older men. I offered to get coffee anyway, saying I am always happy to meet new people.

So what does this guy do? He writes back telling me that we’re all the same on the inside and that age doesn’t matter. Apparently it’s all a state of mind and I am a judgmental bitch.

Now, I doubt that he would have responded kindly to a 90-year-old woman hitting on him. So, I would submit that he is likely judgmental and prejudice about age himself; but only when the woman is the older party.

So that reminded me how much I hate dating, and how sometimes creepers hang out on fetlife.com these days just harass women. I hate that. I like to think of the kink community as a bunch of really nice people who all want to at least be friends. I like to think of us as inclusive and connected as a group by common weirdness.

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And yet, so often lately it seems like real world interactions ruin my hopeful views.

What happened?

I have been part of the kink community for 20 years and I never had to deal with the type of assholes that are around these days. Is this just how men are now? Have they all become total losers?

I mean, I never used to get harassed this much. I used to meet nice people through fetlife.com. Hell, I met my husband (who is my very favorite Pet) through fetlife.com! I feel like nearly every message I used to get resulted in a friendship, and I still think fondly of all those amazing people I used to meet around munches and fetlife and fetish proms.

And yet, lately it’s nothing but penis pictures and guys saying “Wut up slut.”

It’s like the quality of available males has diminished in the last decade to the point that there simply are not any more worth talking to. I haven’t met anyone worth my time in ages, and that is disappointing.

So maybe the person I love in Arizona is right. Maybe it’s time to give up on dating for awhile. At least I will always have my beloved Pet, so that is something!

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Munches

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My favorite munch that I ever went to was in Portland. We got together to make ginger bread houses. I had actually never made a ginger bread house before, and I really had fun with it. The person throwing the munch had arranged to buy kits for each of us and candy (which we reimbursed her for) and everyone brought snacks to make it kind of a pot luck.

It is still a really cool memory because I like to try new things, enjoy pleasant conversation with new people, and feel accomplished at the end of it all.

I have not ever made a ginger bread house since, but I am really glad to say that I was able to do it once in my life. And it was even with cool people!

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So my husband and I are going on vacation, and I was trying to think of somewhere to have a munch while on our trip. I looked at the Raccoon cafe (only two sad little raccoons) and all the bars and restaurants I like, but here’s the problem with that:

It’s loud in a restaurant, bar, or club.

I always felt like the point of a munch was to talk to people and get to know them. I thought it was to introduce friends, and make new friends.

It’s hard to do that in a loud and crowded environment.

Anyway, it made me think of how I would rather go hike to a temple and sit around in a circle chatting than go to a bar and scream over music.

What is your favorite place to hold a munch?

 

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Bottom of the Barrel

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Recently, I had two people message me on fetlife.com. Both were jerks and I want to tell you about it because I think it’s exemplifies what I said in my last post about how dating can be hard.

Yes, there is the adventure of meeting new people and maybe falling in love. That part is great! But there is also the frustration of putting yourself out there and getting back a lot of garbage.

So I will give you these two examples of garbage from my inbox this week.

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Guy Number One:

The first guy said:

“Wut u up to i want to fuk.” 

He had no profile picture, and no information filled out about himself. So for all I knew, he could be an 800 pound serial killer. He probably was.

When I replied back and said that he would do better to talk to women like people (i.e. say “Hello” to them first) and to fill out his profile a little, he quickly messaged back and called me an “ugly whore.”

Now, I am a slutty, dirty whore. That’s true. I am a magically delicious super slut. I have a lot of very hot, very nasty sex and I love it. I have threesomes and orgies and I do all the things that your girlfriend thinks are gross.

But ugly!

Anyway, I was just giving actual helpful advice. I didn’t point out the spelling or grammar errors in his original message, although there were many. I genuinely think men who message women with idiot stuff have never been taught better, and so I nicely offered to help.

So naturally, he called me an “ugly whore.”

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Guy Number Two:

First off, you should know that I am 34 years old. My husband is 25. That should give you an idea of the age range that I hang out in.

Guy number two is 68 years old. He messages me to say that he wants to hang out.

Now, he was polite, and I appreciate that. So I say that it is a shame the island is so small and that we have so few chances to hang out with new people, but that I don’t think he’s my type.

He could have left it at that, but he didn’t. He just had to know why.

I was as nice as possible. I said “There is a more than 30 year age gap between us, and that makes me uncomfortable because even my dad is only 25 years older than me. Imagine if I 98 year old messaged you. It would be kind of like that.”

After all, I am just trying to politely explain that I am not into daddy-daughter stuff or age play or any of that (and of course my profile does reflect my interests). I am uncomfortable with older men due to being molested when I was young, and someone older than my dad just grosses me out beyond words to think about.

So naturally he sent back a nasty message about how no matter how old we get, we are all the same inside, and that I was discriminating and a bitch. Because, I guess, who cares if I have hangups that are personal to my history and insurmountable in my mind?

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Summary

I understand that dating can be frustrating. I have a friend just dipping her toes into the dating game after years of not even trying, and I have been doing my best to be encouraging and helpful. I know it’s hard.

However, on fetlife.com I expect a certain standard of behavior. I expect people to greet me in a manner befitting my persona, and to accept any kind rejection with returned kindness. We’re all into different stuff, and that is okay.

I guess it’s partly Guam, which has shown me little in the way of viable options. The one nice guy I met was ordered off to Nebraska before we got a chance to really hang out. It is a small island.

Still, we can maintain our decency as a community, can’t we? We can be polite and encourage those who are new, or who don’t fit in quite right, can’t we?

Mostly I never check my Fetlife anymore because of the sort of people who have messaged me since I have been here. But I have been disappointed each time I have checked it and that is too bad.