Dating Online and the Community

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The subject of dating has come up a lot in my life lately. You all know by now about the person I love in Arizona who is going through a divorce. I have been struggling to help him find things to be happy about now that he has lost his home and family.

It’s not easy.

His idea for dating was to go back through old flames and see if any of them were still around. I guess that makes sense. When you are hurt, go for the familiar.

Of course when that didn’t go well, I suggested online dating.

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He tried valiantly to meet girls off several sites, but none were very interested in talking abut ideas, and instead wanted to talk about people and events. If you don’t get the joke there, look up Eleanor Roosevelt.

So thus far, he has met with limited success and this has made him decide to give up on dating for the time being. I tried in vein to change his mind, and tried to talk about the virtues of getting to know new and exciting people, and how wonderful falling in love is.

Then I logged into Fetlife and I remembered that he’s right.

Dating does suck.

My bad.

I was wrong.

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Let me tell you about the two new prizewinning jerks who sent me messaged while I was trying to sell the idea that dating is wonderful.

Jerk Number One:

This guy messaged me with “Wat up you down to fuk?”

Let that sentence (bad grammar and spelling and all) sink in to your brain, and then realize that this is not a person I knew. This is a random stranger. I guess he’s new to the area (that’s literally all his profile said) and he doesn’t realize that it’s a small pond, and you can’t afford to be an asshat to even one person.

I tried to be polite, and respond by saying that he would benefit from having a profile picture and some information about himself. I went on to suggest that he should maybe treat women like people and start with “Hello.”

(No really, you can treat women like people. They even actually are people. I know that is hard for some folks to grasp, but it’s true!)

Naturally, Jerk Number One wrote back:

“Ur ugy anyway u fat cunt.”

So that’s one more swing and miss for me trying to civilize the masses one guy at a time. I honestly don’t know why I try. I should just ignore them like most girls do.

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P.S. It’s hilarious how some guys whine “I message girls all the time and they never respond.” See? That’s how you know they are a jerk. They send nasty messages all the time and women ignore them because most women don’t respond to abusive dickwads. If they were nice guys, women would respond. That’s how that works. 

Jerk Number Two:

This guy actually started out perfectly nice, and said he’d like to play scenes with me.

Normally, anyone who will talk to me nicely gets coffee at least. However, I noted that he was 65.

Now, I was molested as a child, so I have a thing about not dating older guys (and this one is ten years older than my father!) I am just not okay with it. If there are girls out there looking for a “daddy to spoil them” then more power to them! You do you. But I personally don’t do older guys.

I very nicely said that I am on the younger side of the 30’s (as indicted by my profile) and that I am uncomfortable dating older men. I offered to get coffee anyway, saying I am always happy to meet new people.

So what does this guy do? He writes back telling me that we’re all the same on the inside and that age doesn’t matter. Apparently it’s all a state of mind and I am a judgmental bitch.

Now, I doubt that he would have responded kindly to a 90-year-old woman hitting on him. So, I would submit that he is likely judgmental and prejudice about age himself; but only when the woman is the older party.

So that reminded me how much I hate dating, and how sometimes creepers hang out on fetlife.com these days just harass women. I hate that. I like to think of the kink community as a bunch of really nice people who all want to at least be friends. I like to think of us as inclusive and connected as a group by common weirdness.

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And yet, so often lately it seems like real world interactions ruin my hopeful views.

What happened?

I have been part of the kink community for 20 years and I never had to deal with the type of assholes that are around these days. Is this just how men are now? Have they all become total losers?

I mean, I never used to get harassed this much. I used to meet nice people through fetlife.com. Hell, I met my husband (who is my very favorite Pet) through fetlife.com! I feel like nearly every message I used to get resulted in a friendship, and I still think fondly of all those amazing people I used to meet around munches and fetlife and fetish proms.

And yet, lately it’s nothing but penis pictures and guys saying “Wut up slut.”

It’s like the quality of available males has diminished in the last decade to the point that there simply are not any more worth talking to. I haven’t met anyone worth my time in ages, and that is disappointing.

So maybe the person I love in Arizona is right. Maybe it’s time to give up on dating for awhile. At least I will always have my beloved Pet, so that is something!

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Munches

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My favorite munch that I ever went to was in Portland. We got together to make ginger bread houses. I had actually never made a ginger bread house before, and I really had fun with it. The person throwing the munch had arranged to buy kits for each of us and candy (which we reimbursed her for) and everyone brought snacks to make it kind of a pot luck.

It is still a really cool memory because I like to try new things, enjoy pleasant conversation with new people, and feel accomplished at the end of it all.

I have not ever made a ginger bread house since, but I am really glad to say that I was able to do it once in my life. And it was even with cool people!

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So my husband and I are going on vacation, and I was trying to think of somewhere to have a munch while on our trip. I looked at the Raccoon cafe (only two sad little raccoons) and all the bars and restaurants I like, but here’s the problem with that:

It’s loud in a restaurant, bar, or club.

I always felt like the point of a munch was to talk to people and get to know them. I thought it was to introduce friends, and make new friends.

It’s hard to do that in a loud and crowded environment.

Anyway, it made me think of how I would rather go hike to a temple and sit around in a circle chatting than go to a bar and scream over music.

What is your favorite place to hold a munch?

 

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Bottom of the Barrel

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Recently, I had two people message me on fetlife.com. Both were jerks and I want to tell you about it because I think it’s exemplifies what I said in my last post about how dating can be hard.

Yes, there is the adventure of meeting new people and maybe falling in love. That part is great! But there is also the frustration of putting yourself out there and getting back a lot of garbage.

So I will give you these two examples of garbage from my inbox this week.

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Guy Number One:

The first guy said:

“Wut u up to i want to fuk.” 

He had no profile picture, and no information filled out about himself. So for all I knew, he could be an 800 pound serial killer. He probably was.

When I replied back and said that he would do better to talk to women like people (i.e. say “Hello” to them first) and to fill out his profile a little, he quickly messaged back and called me an “ugly whore.”

Now, I am a slutty, dirty whore. That’s true. I am a magically delicious super slut. I have a lot of very hot, very nasty sex and I love it. I have threesomes and orgies and I do all the things that your girlfriend thinks are gross.

But ugly!

Anyway, I was just giving actual helpful advice. I didn’t point out the spelling or grammar errors in his original message, although there were many. I genuinely think men who message women with idiot stuff have never been taught better, and so I nicely offered to help.

So naturally, he called me an “ugly whore.”

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Guy Number Two:

First off, you should know that I am 34 years old. My husband is 25. That should give you an idea of the age range that I hang out in.

Guy number two is 68 years old. He messages me to say that he wants to hang out.

Now, he was polite, and I appreciate that. So I say that it is a shame the island is so small and that we have so few chances to hang out with new people, but that I don’t think he’s my type.

He could have left it at that, but he didn’t. He just had to know why.

I was as nice as possible. I said “There is a more than 30 year age gap between us, and that makes me uncomfortable because even my dad is only 25 years older than me. Imagine if I 98 year old messaged you. It would be kind of like that.”

After all, I am just trying to politely explain that I am not into daddy-daughter stuff or age play or any of that (and of course my profile does reflect my interests). I am uncomfortable with older men due to being molested when I was young, and someone older than my dad just grosses me out beyond words to think about.

So naturally he sent back a nasty message about how no matter how old we get, we are all the same inside, and that I was discriminating and a bitch. Because, I guess, who cares if I have hangups that are personal to my history and insurmountable in my mind?

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Summary

I understand that dating can be frustrating. I have a friend just dipping her toes into the dating game after years of not even trying, and I have been doing my best to be encouraging and helpful. I know it’s hard.

However, on fetlife.com I expect a certain standard of behavior. I expect people to greet me in a manner befitting my persona, and to accept any kind rejection with returned kindness. We’re all into different stuff, and that is okay.

I guess it’s partly Guam, which has shown me little in the way of viable options. The one nice guy I met was ordered off to Nebraska before we got a chance to really hang out. It is a small island.

Still, we can maintain our decency as a community, can’t we? We can be polite and encourage those who are new, or who don’t fit in quite right, can’t we?

Mostly I never check my Fetlife anymore because of the sort of people who have messaged me since I have been here. But I have been disappointed each time I have checked it and that is too bad.

Then and Now

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I started out in the scene in the way-back-when days. The Internet wasn’t really a think yet, and so it was really hard to put out information about events.

Sure, those freaks that were into judging the prettiest goat could just put an add in the paper for their booth at the country fair, because that sort of behavior is okay with society. But not us. The Kink Community was hidden away down scary dark alleys and in disreputable clubs.

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I remember when I first heard someone mention kink at The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was fourteen. I was shocked that it was a thing that existed outside my head! Back then, all the periodicals were hidden behind counters and there was just know way to find these things out easily.

So I overheard the place they mentioned. It was called The Graffiti Shop. When I got there, I realized it wasn’t a kink club at all. It was a music and clothing store. But, it had a board where people could post fliers. Then I understood. The Kink Community in my city had no real way to communicate, so they would leave a stack of fliers for an event at The Graffiti Shop, and you would have to go get one and bring it with you to get in to the event.

The events would always be at really skivvy dive bars down really dark alleys, which was traumatizing. It took a lot of guts and a fair amount of stupid for a young girl to go through with making it into an event.

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I think the people were creepier back then. It might just be because I was a young girl then, but I feel like being pushed into the shadows can make people feel creepy. If society says there is something wrong with them, then they internalize that and act accordingly.

Of course, I could be reading too much into it. I guess I have been to some event even recently where there were a lot of “creepers,” (you know- those guys you do not want to get stuck talking to.)

Anyway I feel like there were legitimately creepier people back then, and not in a good way. It was all so clandestine and secretive, and I think that made it more dangerous. You would never report a rape at a club that was super-secret like that, right?

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So now we live in the future. I love the future! The Internet (for me) completely changed the Kink Community in the best ways possible! Now, you can go to events easily, and there are vanilla events like munches where you can just talk to kinky people without having to go through all the costuming and pageantry.

We have all kinds of resources. There are communities like the BDSM subreddit where you can ask questions and read about kink issues. There are websites for meeting people like Collar Space. There’s fetlife.com, which I think of as Facebook for kinksters. And there’s all sorts of kink porn that you don’t have to sneak behind a beaded curtain and have a very awkward interaction with a checkout guy for.

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The Internet let us come out of the shadows and into the light. It let us create a community, and have enough members in that community to support dungeons and play spaces and meetups.

I often muse at how great everything has gotten and how bad it really was before. And when I think about it, I can’t believe how glad I am that we live in the time that we do and have the resources that we have.

I will never be nostalgic for the past, and I will always look forward to the future.

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Hitting on a Girl

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This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use fetlife.com and okcupid.com to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.

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Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.

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Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the  better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!

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Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.

For A Vanilla Friend

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A friend of mine whom I have always considered vanilla got sushi with me a few weeks ago. She expressed interested in whips and chains and things. And I was surprised. I know some kink folks go around assuming that vanilla people WOULD be kinky if they were a little more gutsy or a little less sheltered. But I have never thought that. I know quite a few people who tried kinky stuff just to see how they felt about it, and decided it wasn’t for them. Ergo, I never presume to know what someone is like inside their own head.

But this friend of mine asked about a few things, and I thought I would do a basic overview of each of them.

First, responsible sex.

I have written about this topic before when discussing poly relationships, but I think a quick summary here would be beneficial. My friend expressed horror about getting STD tests from people. But as I have said before, one little cell can ruin your life and skin to skin contact can transfer cells; condoms or no. If you’re interested in being poly, understand that getting an STD can ruin the lives of a lot of people, and learn to take this seriously and not to be afraid of it.

Yes, vanilla people often avoid openly talking about this kind of thing. Yes, some of them see it as a lack of trust when you simply want to use a condom, never mind trading paperwork. But if you get into the kink community then people expect this, so don’t be shy about asking!

Second, where to go. 

I have found that the best way to find kinky folks where you live these days is to go to a fetlife.com munch. I know us kinky folks have our issues with fetlife from time to time. But let’s be honest, before that web site came along, finding freaks in your town involved walking up to scary people and asking them in person. I did that back in the early 90’s when I moved to L.A. and I am sure it wasn’t safe.

So make a profile (dear god don’t use your real name!) and find a munch near you. Choose one in a public place where the dress code is listed as “vanilla.” Then just go and talk to people. Most munches will include folks who can tell you where the dungeons are and the good clubs to hang out at.

Third, what to do.

It’s not like you have to jump in with both feet. If you’re nervous about getting started, just keep dating vanilla people, but ask them if they ever thought about trying kinky things. Practicing with another person who is mostly vanilla can be fun and harmless. Get one of those silly kinky “starter kits” they sell these days as sex shops (due to the popularity of a certain series of shit books) and try things out. You don’t need to be part of the community to be kinky. It can be nice to have the support, but if it’s too overwhelming at first, then don’t do it. You should never do anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable.

And remember the BDSM mantra: Safe, sane, and consensual! 

Professional vs Personal

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There are a lot of differences between doing something professionally and doing it for fun. I was arguing this with a friend the other day, and now that I have thought about it I think I can explain it better.

First, being a Domme in your personal life is nothing like doing it professionally because it’s for fun. You get to set up scenes you want to play out, and pick who you play with, and all kinds of others awesome things. So of course, it’s fun to be a Domme when it’s not your job. (And maybe you’ve noticed that almost anything seems fun until you do it for a living.)

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The Woman.

So for all you Dommes out there who have never worked professionally as a Dominatrix, of course it seems like it’s all fun and games.

The thing is, here’s what being a Professional is like:

I get to work and there is already two clients waiting. When I say clients, I kind of mean creeps. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I got a creeper vibe off half the guys that came to see me. So great, I pick one and we go into my room of the dungeon. I have a small table where we sit down, and I take out the standard consent form, which I have every single person sign before every single session. It says that I am not legally responsible for any physical harm that may occur during the course of the scene, and it asks questions they must answer about what kind of scene they are looking for.

We go over he form together and make sure I understand what type of scene they are looking for. Then I get out the checklist. It is a list of about 100 things that may or may not happen, depending on the client’s desires. On MY checklists, certain things were always crossed off, such as any part of me being penetrated by anything at all. Other Dommes made other choices and also made more money. I respect that, but chose not to do it.

So, then we know what kind of scene and what things will be done or not done. I name a price and collect the money up front, and then I go out and wait while the client prepares. (Usually taking clothes off and getting into position or whatever.)

I come back (leaving the door open so my DM can check in on me).

Now, let’s use an example of a common fetish that I had to deal with. I’ll describe a scene I did for a guy we’ll call Mr. Chocolate. So, he wanted very much to be treated like a puppy. He would do this in his underwear, with a collar and leash on.

He’d jump up and I’d say “No! That’s a bad dog!” And I’d use my riding crop to smack his butt. And then he’d pout and look cute, so I’d say “Aww, I can’t stay mad at you! Come here.” And I’d get down on the floor and let him crawl around and put his head on me and lick my face while I petted him.

He came to see me several times, and we played out scenes where I taught him tricks and punished him when he did them wrong; while rewarding him with treats when he did them right. He also came to me once obviously upset, and spent the whole time making little whimpering noises while I petting his head and told him he was a good puppy.

Mr. Chocolate had this need to be a puppy, and so my job was to play the scenes out with him. Would I have chosen to do those things on my own? No. I’m not really into pet play. (I do call my husband pet, and I do pet him, but he never pretends to be a dog and I don’t want him to.)

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That’s just one example. I had guys who just wanted to be flogged for hours. I had guys who waned to be spanked, and made to count each whack. I had guys who wanted to be hurt in any way I could think of until they “felt something.” Sometimes, it is about the pain.

But in my experience, mostly, it’s about the control. Someone wants to give themselves over to you wholly and completely and be free from all responsibility or worry. And because they are playing for it, the experience, it will be on their terms.

How is this different from a personal relationship, you ask?

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Well, here are the main things as I see it:

1. Focus. Yes, in private the sub still gives themselves over to you wholly and completely. However, they generally want to please you, rather than having the focus on them being pleased. Even when you do focus on just pleasing them, they still do what they can to make you feel good too, because you are their master and they want to please you.

2. Sex. There is usually sex or penetration of some kind or oral contact or something in a personal BDSM relationship. In general it is frowned upon in a professional context. This is because back in the day when I worked as a Domme*, the dungeons were in private houses and as long as there was no sex, it was legal. If sexual contact happened, it could be considered prostitution and there could be jail and fines and such.

3. Respect. A person who is paying you doesn’t respect you probably, even if they have to act like it to make the scene work. And you don’t respect them all that much either, since you can’t help wondering why they don’t get a girlfriend that will put them on a leash and take them for walks.

*Note: In the 1990’s the internet hadn’t quite created things like fetlife.com and collarme.com yet. There weren’t BDSM meetups just advertised, and going looking for them could be scary. Communities that you could talk about kink with were rare. Kink was less accepted, and more persecuted. Dungeons like I used to work out might not exist anymore (I haven’t been to one like that in years!) 

See, nowadays, you can just meet someone to do kinky things with, so there is no need to pay a girl to do things to you. 

So now, dungeons like the CSPC are places where people can go alone or as a couple and do kinky things in a professional dungeon setting, without needing to pay for time with a Dominatrix. 

It’s a better age, but I feel like it renders people like me somewhat obsolete. I just teach now. After all, I got good at speaking frankly about kink during all those scene negotiations I used to do. So, it’s easy for me to talk practically about things that embarass others. It’s therefore easy to do workshops and things like that. 

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Anyway the point is, working as a Domme isn’t the same as being a Domme for fun. If I’ve failed to explain why then I am sorry. I tried to do my best. But as someone who has Dominatrix friends who are both pro and personal, (as well as having been both) all I can do is promise you that I know what I am talking about. It’s not the same.

Anyway, I hope that you guys know I write these posts with a smile. If you met me in person you’d see that even though I can snap right the fuck into serious mode when I have to, I really am mostly a goofball.

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