Flogging in Detail

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Recently I was asked for more detailed information about flogging than what was in my overview post. So, let’s go into more detail.

First, you must realize that there are several different lengths of floggers available. A good place to buy them is stockroom.com. You don’t want to go too short or too long as a beginner. I would suggest something around 18″ to 24″ tails at the start, because they are easiest to manage.

Also, since a beginner might not be able to help hitting less desirable spots to start, I would recommend suede over leather. Leather can cut skin, whereas suede produces a wonderful sound and feel, but is very unlikely to leave lasting damage. Also note, you do not want braided tails at first, nor do you want tipped tails. Again, these things are more painful for your submissive (which every pain slut will enjoy,) but are also more dangerous in untrained hands. So it’s best to start with a simple soft suede.

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(Note: Above is an example of tipped tails.)

Now, the motion is always described as a figure eight. What that means is that you will go up to make the top of the eight, and strike as you cross over to begin the lower part of the eight. This is the strongest part of the swing. The figure eight motion allows for more control, and it also allows you to build up more momentum so that the flogger will make those wonderful sounds.

It is very true that in porn (like on kink.com) they do not use a figure eight motion, but instead swing randomly. To that I would say: lesbian porn is full of made-up straight girls shoving 2 inch nails into another girl’s vagina, and that is not realistic either. If you don’t believe me, please see actual lesbians watching lesbian porn.

So again, use a figure eight motion in the air, because this helps to give you more control on where you strike on your submissive’s body. Remember: you do not want to strike the same spot over and over. No one likes the same spot touched, hit, or pet over and over. You must always vary where you spank, lick, bite, or hit.

Then, remember to hit the more fatty areas. There are lots of diagrams available online.

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And finally, do not start by just wailing away on your submissive. People need to be eased into pain a little at a time. It’s a lot like the penetration part of sex, where you should not just shove your dick in and start fucking like a jack rabbit (unless you have a tiny penis- then it’s probably okay.) But to be good at it, you want to build up to the intense part over time, right?

So with flogging, start out slowly, with lazy figure eights that hit lightly. Think of it as a caress, because the suede tails should feel like a lover’s caress when they touch the skin. As you go, build up the intensity and let the flogger move faster and faster. This will help you build up to striking harder and harder.

Remember to be careful not to let the flogger wrap around your submissive and snap the front of them, because the added force from that an cause broken skin even with a suede flogger. If you’re nervous, stick to the middle first. This is particular true as you start to hit harder.

As you get more experienced, there is a huge variety of types of floggers that you can check out. It really all depends on how far your submissive wants to go. After all, metal-tipped tails are not for everyone, but for some folks, they’re a favorite. Don’t forget to communicate!

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Play Suggstions

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I get a lot of requests for suggestions on what to do with a submissive once they are tied up. To start, before you tie them up, it’s nice to start with petting, hair pulling, neck and ear biting, and running your hands along their body in a firm way. This starts putting them into sub space and getting them in the mood.

If you use rope to tie your submissive and need any help with that, Twisted Monk is the best! They have instructional videos and helpful hints.

For me, I am lazy and like to use gear ties, because they are quick and easy. Also, the rubber is soft and doesn’t leave any marks, but the steel cable inside is strong and nearly impossible to break.

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If possible, I prefer a hard point in a doorway or a low arch. This is because I enjoy having the submissive’s hands out of the way, with access to both their front size and back size. A hard point would be something simple like an eye hook screwed deep into a stud in your wall.

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You can also tie their arms in front of them (in which case you may want to tie their arms and feet together and then to each other just for fun.) Or, you can tie their arms in back. Depending on how you tie them, you will have access to different parts of their body, so think about which parts you want to play with first, and remember to switch it up a few times during the night so they don’t get sore from being tied in one position too long.

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When you have their hands above them or in front of them, that is a good time to try flogging and spanking. For flogging, remember to use a figure eight motion, and to start light and build in intensity as you go. Be careful to aim for the thickest fleshiest bits so that you won’t accidentally wrap the tails of the flogger around the submissive’s body, as this can amplify the force and cause the flogger to cut into the flesh.

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For spanking, you also want to be sure to focus on the fleshy parts. I think it’s fun to ask submissives to either count how many times I hit them, or to ask to be hit again after each stroke. I like to think that kink is as much in a person’s head as it is outside. So, if they have to say “Thank you Mistress, may I have another?” after each stroke, it adds to the intensity of the experience.

 

 

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If your scene involves sex, it’s good to change positions after play. For females, I like to use a vibrator on them (if they can orgasm from that) and if not, use my fingers or tongue to get them off. Once a female has an orgasm, they are much more open to different ideas. If your submissive is male, you wouldn’t want to let them have an orgasm because men tend to fall asleep after. But for females, you will definitely get more enthusiastic participation in any scene if you make sure they have an orgasm first.

Remember, talk to your submissive about what gets them off! Don’t just assume. Women are all very different, and this can sometimes make it a struggle to please them. That’s why you need to communicate. If you want to try some creative toys to help you, I recommend Doctor Exreme for some off-the-beaten-path ideas.

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Remember that before sexual contact it is always a good idea to get an STD test from them first, because many STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and so a condom will not be enough to protect you (unless it’s one of those full-body condoms from Eastern Europe.)

Also remember that not all scenes include sex; some are just play. Make sure your submissive agreed to sexual contact before you initiate it.

And finally, these are just a few ideas, although you can also have a lot of fun with butt plugs, riding crops, and canes; to name a few things. Whatever you do, as always, keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

Speaking and Workshops

So many toys to play with!

So many toys to play with!

I was recently asked if I do workshops and lectures. In fact, I have and I do.

Usually, it’s for groups of people that I know or that I meet on Felife or at an event. However, if someone DID wish to contact me through my blog, I suppose I should tell you that I have an e-mail that you can use. It’s: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

I would give out a phone number, but the internet has some strange kids on it sometimes, so I think it’s best if I leave it at an e-mail for now.

Taking a pet for a walk.

Taking a pet for a walk.

In my experience, a good workshop is about 10 people. I’ve done them on all kinds of topics from scene negotiation to flogging lessons to pegging.

Yes, I make handouts. Yes, I bring my own toys.

So let me know if you have questions, or if you are interested. Fees can be discussed along with what you’re hoping to learn. However please note: I do this in private homes. I will not do it on a stage for a large venue. I have done enough of that, and it’s frustrating because no one can talk or ask questions. It crosses the line from workshop to performance art, and I am not a performance artist.

If you’re not sure if what you’re looking for would be okay or not, just ask.

Sensation play!

Sensation play!

Flogging Tips

flogger

Not too long ago I found myself in a room with a girl and a boy who wanted to play BDSM. I suggested starting with a flogger because it is a good beginner toy (they are pretty soft and don’t do a lot of damage for the most part.)

I should have given instructions to the girl before I handed her my flogger, but I guess I forget that using a flogger isn’t an automatic motion for some people.

The trick is to figure out how to move only your wrist, so as not to wear yourself out. It’s a simple figure-eight motion, and it doesn’t take a whole body worth of force (though later after you have warmed someone up, maybe you want to throw your whole body into something.)

You start out with soft, even strokes on one side and then the other, in a rhythm. Little by little, you build up how much force you use. So, as you swing the flogger and connect, each time is just a big harder than the last.

You shouldn’t grab the ends and snap a flogger at first. You can build up to that if your sub has agreed to something like that. But most subs who like floggers have told me that they like them because it’s more about sensation than about pain. If you snap them, then it hurts much more. Also, if you do it with the right kind of flogger, you can break skin.

I am not saying it’s always bad to break skin, by the way. Some people like that. However, the amount of people who like it is very small, and therefore it’s not something that you want to do without talking about it in detail with your sub first. Remember to cover such things in scene negotiation before you play!

For me personally, I will not break skin or leave marks without making sure I have a signed consent form. I may have broken this rule with one of two relationships I have had with men, but I never break it with women because some accusations can ruin your life.

Anyway the point is; this girl I was with just started flailing the flogger around wildly, with no control at all. She missed the guy entirely once or twice and hit the walls instead. Then, in an attempt to control the flogger, she started grabbing the ends of the tails to snap it. That, of course, resulted in an angry submissive who wasn’t okay with such intense pain; particularly when it came with no warm up at all.

I took the flogger from her and tried to show her what she was doing wrong, but maybe that is something best practiced in private on a pillow, before trying to hit a real person. I learned to handle a flogger so long ago that I honestly can’t remember if I started on a person or not. I would guess not though, since I know my first encounter with a flogger was at Madam Tracy’s, and I assume she would have had me practice the figure-eight motion before there was a submissive in the room.

The point is; always talk first with the person who plans to get hit about what their expectations are. If they say that they do not know, it is best to give them a simple system of green-for-go, yellow-for-uncomfortable, and red-for-stop. Then start with a figure-eight motion and hit them softly, allowing the sensation of the flogger to be all that they feel. Slowly build to hitting harder and harder, so that it will start to sting over time. Vary where you hit, so as not to just attack one spot over and over. And of course, don’t snap it unless you know they are okay with possible permanent damage to their skin.

Note: Some people like to use two floggers at once. It’s the same idea; just with two hands. This requires more space, and I would suggest mastering the art of a single flogger before you try to duel-wield

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Bringing People In

Yay bondage!

 

Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down  first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

New Pet

Since I don’t have one of my own… here’s the dildo that goes with my strap-on.

He walks in, and sees me dressed in my Domme gear. I’m very imposing in my thigh-high boots and my mini-dress with a high neck. My police-style hat is cocked to the side, and I’m holding my favorite flogger in my hand.

Enthralled, he falls to his knees. I am gratified to see it; but I don’t show it. I simply stand there, letting him take his time getting into his sub space.

When I speak, it is a command.

“Stand, and take your clothes off my pet,” I say in a quiet, serious voice.

Of course, he complies. He stands, and is out of his clothes as fast as one would expect from a 21-year-old Navy boy. I look, and I am amazed all over again that I get to play with such pretty toys! His muscles ripple when he moves. His huge cock hangs between his legs, swollen already because he is near me. I run my hand across his six-pack abs and allow myself the smallest hint of a smile.

“Inside, and back on your knees, my pet.”

He walks in and falls onto his knees on the yoga mat I’ve laid out. He’s only come to my dungeon twice before, but he knows where to kneel. I slip his collar around his neck and close the buckles. It’s a tight fit, and his breath comes quickly for a moment, as he panics a little inside about his first time wearing his own collar. The generic one he wore before was loose on him, but this one was made for his neck. I decided after we spent our second weekend together that I should get him one of his own. I decided I wanted him to be mine, and now he is.

“This is your collar, pet. I had it made just for you. You are mine now. Do you understand?” I ask.

“Yes, Mistress,” he says obediently. His eyes are cast down at the floor but I see him sneak a peak at me. I do not let him see me smile.

“Are you pleased to belong to me, my pet?” I ask.

“Yes, Mistress. I am eager to serve you in every way you see fit,” he says quickly.

I take a moment to appreciate how fast the military boys respond. They have to be so quick with their “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir” bullshit at work. I guess it’s easy to switch from that to calling someone Mistress. I enjoy the way he is so willing to give himself over completely, and how seriously he takes it. He is a good pet.

I get the blindfold I bought just for him. It’s adorable! It’s a sleeping mask with panda eyes on it, and it’s so cute that I know he’ll find it emasculating. I could care less what he thinks of it though, because it makes me happy to see him wearing it. I put it on him after letting him see it, and then I quietly set to work tying his hands together and then tying them to his ankles. The music overtakes us then. I love the sound of some good Industrial music at night when I’m playing with a pet. It always makes me swell with power.

Once my pet is tied up, I get down next to his ear and I whisper very quietly:

“Do you wish to make your Mistress happy?”

He takes a halting breath, still not used to the snug fit of his collar.

“Yes, I want nothing in the world more than I want to please you,” he says.

“That’s good,” i say, “because you’re going to lick my pussy now.”

“Yes Mistress,” he says.

I stand, and lift my dress just enough to expose my pussy. I shove it roughly in his face, and he starts to suck and lick me. I let myself slip down a little, to put pressure on his face. I know it’ll make it harder for him to breath, so he can feel like he’s being smothered. I look down and I can tell he’s loving it because his cock is rock-hard. I can not help but wonder how his body has enough blood for the rest of him when his cock is hard. It’s really, very big. A girl pet of mine called it “an unnatural work of art” and I have to agree with her. It really is.

I want to feel it inside me, but I resist, because I’m not going to let him fuck me yet. Instead I let him keep licking me until I cum all over his face, and then I go get my strap on.

When I force him down onto all fours, I think he suspects what is coming. I would gag him in case he screams and wakes the neighbors, but we haven’t worked out a non-verbal safe word yet and I don’t want to break scene to negotiate one. We talked in pre-scene negotiations about how he’d like to get fucked. He’s watched a lot of pegging porn. However, I don’t think he’s done it before and it might freak him out. Reality can be so much different from fantasy.

I rub lube onto it. It’s smaller than his own cock by a lot, but I guess that doesn’t mean anything since he can’t very well fuck himself. I giggle quietly at my own musings and hope he didn’t hear.

I come up behind him and I start to caress him. I touch his back, and his hips. I go up next to his ear.

“I’m going to fuck you now, my pet. If you scream, I shall punish you,” I whisper.

His whole body is so tense! I brush my hands along his soft flesh and I appreciate every bit of it. What a pretty pet I have!

I rub lube between his butt cheeks and slip my finger inside him to test his reaction. His back muscles ripple as he gets even more tense. He looks like an animal- ready to bolt at any moment. I imagine he might if he wasn’t tied up. He seems terrified. I smile. Fear smells so good.

When I slide inside he lets out a moan.

“Bad pet!” I say. “We talked about how you mustn’t make a sound. That was very naughty of you, and I shall whip you for it later. Right now though, I just want to fuck you.”

It’s going to be a long night. I imagine I won’t get much sleep. That’s okay though- because it’s going to be fun!

Kinky Punishment

Ancient Korean Flogging Punishment

 

So my brother came to visit from the USA and we headed to some historical sites and see some touristy things. In a Korean Folk Village, we came across this.

I feel like I could have a lot of fun in this room…

 

Just a room with a cross to tie someone to and various things to paddle someone with. Turns out spanking and paddling was a government punishment in Korea’s past. So kinky…

Little boy spanks his mommy