I sometimes use this blog to vent, and this is one of those times. I know first dates are difficult, and kink first dates are more complicated than most. And yet, even in a complicated subculture, I expect better than my recent meeting.
Recently I was talking with a guy off fetlife.com, and he seemed like a pretty decent human. I agreed to meet him because I hate wasting time chatting with someone for weeks on end only to find out that they are gross in person.
(In my opinion, this is an attitude that most people in their 30’s have. It’s a huge waste of time to message back and forth like teenagers while being nervous about meeting up. I just want to look people in the eyes and see if they are cool or not first thing.)
We met in a park by my house (it’s a public place so I know I am safe, but not a place where I am obligated to buy anything because I am cheap), and that was when I realized that this guy was clueless.
I mean straight-up without a damn clue.
He had only ever watched kink porn, and it was obvious that he was conflicted about actually doing a kinky thing. It was also obvious that he didn’t look at people in the scene as people; but rather as nothing more than vehicles to fulfill a fantasy that he is ashamed of.
Not only that, but he confessed after some nervous pacing that he is married, and his wife doesn’t know that he’s even into kink.
Best part: I was supposed to just be chill with all those issues.
Like I said: Clueless.
I didn’t even know where to begin in terms of saying “This really isn’t cool.” I knew it had to wait until he was not in the same place as me because his pacing made me think he could become violent.
So, I waited until we parted ways and then I sent him a message.
It would have been a public service for me to explain to him all the various things that he did wrong. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like getting into a long conversation about why you shouldn’t spend the first date only talking about what you want while pacing like a psycho.
In the message, I just told him that I wasn’t okay with the fact that he lies to his wife. (Which is true. If my husband lied to me I wouldn’t be happy at all.)
BDSM requires trust, and honesty. That definitely means that you shouldn’t lie to your wife.
However, women who are kinky are also people. No really, we are people. So we aren’t really keen to hear all about your fantasies and all your selfish wants, rather than having you ask us what we are interested in.
You know what else: noobs suck. Be a decent human being and read up on the kink community first before you waste someone’s time on a date. Learn. Read. Get a clue. Don’t go out with someone from the community when you have never been to a single kink event, don’t know anything about it, and have a bunch of issues in your head about kink because you haven’t accepted yourself yet.
And finally, don’t act like a psycho. Pacing like crazy and being unable to talk like a normal person is weird. Don’t be weird.
Gods I hate dating.