Being kinky, we’re often part of a group that is looked down on or considered to be “freaks.” I am actually part of a few more protected classes than that. I’m queergender, bisexual, and female.
The hardest one of those is presenting as female, because I have faced a lot of discrimination over it. In particular, people in my higher math classes in college literally ignored me even when I knew they could hear me because they didn’t think a woman had a right to speak.
I may be queergender, but I live in a female body. That means the burden of birth control and the entire reproduction of the species is something I have to carry. Men grope and mock me all the time. I’ve had to fight very hard to be taken seriously in spaces where men just walked in and were treated well because they presented as men. It sucks being in a female body.
In spite of all the discrimination I have faced in my life and that all women face, there will always be some asshole trying to shout us down and tell us that we have it easy because men like our tits.
I had a friend named (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) This friend was a decent guy when I knew him in Korea, but unfortunately, he’s gotten mixed up in the MRA movement since then;- really toxic Jordan Peterson kind of stuff.
This manifested in him coming to my pages on social media and attacking me; though I never went to his pages on social media to attack him. It was violent and shitty, but I still tried to have a conversation with him because he used to be a friend. I sent him Christmas cards and shit. We used to be close. But anytime I would try to talk to him about something, he would do two things:
1. Refuse to educate himself and instead demand that I provide a long list of sources that HE approved of, as well as an in-depth explanation of those sources so he didn’t have to read them.
2. Take a bunch of deeply misunderstood principles from Philosophy and tell me that I had to follow them when I explained things to him exactly as he constructed, or nothing I said would matter.
This is abuse.
I think it’s important to break down why this is abuse, and why it is unacceptable.
Now first off: As a woman, I don’t owe you sources or an explanation when I say things are not equal between the sexes. I’m relating a FACT, and it is up to you to educate yourself if you disagree, because statistics are on my side.
You can post on your own page about how men are the real victims all you want, and you can cry your sad little heart out. However, if you come to MY page and demand that I explain MY oppression, then you are automatically wrong.
You don’t get to make demands that someone teach you about the objective reality of the world in their own space.
Second, oppressed people already have to deal with being oppressed. That’s quite enough torture for us to put up with without you harassing us. And if you actually care, then you can go read the writings of oppressed people who talk about what it is like (women, transgender people, minorities, etc have all written books about it.) There are facts all over the library, and you can go find them. No one owes you an explanation. It is your responsibility to educate yourself.
Third, no one has to conform to your format.
I said: “We used to be good friends, and it disappoints me that you would attack me like this. It hurts my feelings.”
His response? “Now you’re just trying to use emotional manipulation which is not a valid argument tactic so YOU’RE WRONG!!!!!!”
But, I wasn’t wrong.
In fact, I was totally on-point.
When someone you used to care about turns into a piece of shit, it does hurt. It hurts a lot. And saying that is valid.
The point is: I don’t have to talk to you in the way that you want to be talked to. Don’t be a fucking snowflake. You need to learn to handle your shit like a big boy and hear what people are saying. That’s what grown-ups do. You don’t scream like a little bitch: “You’re not saying things I want you to say, waaaaaa!”
If you listen, you might learn something. If you cry and plug your ears, you won’t learn anything at all.
Those of us who are queergender, bisexual, and presenting female face all kinds of discrimination on a daily basis. We’re not too weak to hear the facts, because we get shit on every day by straight white cisgender men. You build up a thick skin when all your get all the time is discrimination and attacks. Then some white man comes along with skin so thin that a light breeze could tear it and demands that everyone stop what they are doing and spoon-feed him an explanation in exactly the way he wants.
Are you fucking kidding me? Are you?!?
I have always put in more effort than others. I’m the one who remembers birthdays and who sends Holiday cards. I’m the one who reaches out first, and the one who sends the first e-mail. I’m a nice person and I do my best to make people in my life feel valued.
But I draw the line at these incels who get into MRA bullshit and become the fragilest of fragile and expect to be coddled.
Look: We’re kinky. There’s not a lot of us and they are taking down our websites and trying to stop us from being able to engage with each other. We have a responsibility to each other and to our community to listen to each other and to educate ourselves. We have a responsibility to stick together.
So don’t be a piece of shit like (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) Don’t turn on your fellow kinksters and become a whiny piece of shit too fragile to handle the fact that some people have more difficult experiences than you, and they don’t owe you an explanation.