Discovering Fetishes

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Recently I wrote a fetish series. For it, I did some extensive research into various fetishes that I had never really looked into before.

And of course, since then, I have been fantasizing about some of the things I researched.

I never thought much about furries before, other than to enjoy seeing them at fetish proms because I love the costumes. But, after looking into it, I guess I kind of want to hang out with a furry…

I mean, why not?


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Look how cute those costumes are? Don’t you at least a little bit want to try having sex with a fox? The anonymous nature of it, plus the weird disconnection from reality…

Anyway, I was just thinking about the old saying: “It’s only kinky the first time.”

Isn’t it funny how we all start out disgusted by things that we say are “too weird.” But then, after we look in to it, it actually starts to sound interesting.

Just a thought of the nature of kink and how preferences evolve over time.

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Fetish Series: Role Play

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Role Play is another enormous group of things, and as with everything else in this series, vanilla people do it too.

A vanilla example of role play would be something like this:

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A husband and wife are bored of talking about/doing the same old things. They plan to meet at a bar, but both pretend to be different people. Maybe Sally the Housewife turns into Candy the stripper, and Dan the Accountant turns into Bob the Fireman.

They flirt as different people, go home as different people, and have sex as different people. This helps fulfill the desire for variety that can be difficult to satisfy in a monogamous relationship, and it can also just be fun to try on a new persona for the night.

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However, some people like very specific things. I once got asked to join a threesome dressed as Black Widow, where the other two participants would be Hawkeye and Captain America (though Captain America was going to be played by a girl with a strap-on.) I was down for the idea, but had already scheduled an event out of town when they visited. I am still disappointed that I missed it.

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Still, this is a perfect example of a very fetish-specific form of role play. In this case, the fetish was comic books. However, it could just as easily have been role play of elves, animals, or incestuous family members. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of fetishes.

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The most maligned of all role play fetishes that you see in media/culture is furries.

Furries are people who like to dress as animals to meet, date, and have sex. This seems to attract negative attention as a fetish for a few reasons. First, the suits are expensive. A good furry suit can cost more than $1,000. So I think discriminatory people find the cost extreme for what they consider to be a “sex thing” (though like with many fetishes it’s really more of a lifestyle thing.) I also think people find furries an easy target because they think dressing up as an animal has to cross some line in culture where everyone can just agree that it is wrong. They find furries easy to point to and say “but that is weird!”

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I would argue that it’s actually a really neat fetish. You don’t have to be self-conscious, because no matter what you look like, you’re hidden in a suit. So if you don’t like your height, weight, nose, or anything else; that’s okay because all anyone sees is a sexy fox or a cute raccoon.

Plus, many furries don’t exchange real names, instead staying in character as their animal. So it’s also anonymous sex, which many people find exciting. You don’t know if the person you are having sex with is young or old, or what they look like. I think glory holes appeal to the same sort of call of the mysterious.

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Obviously the most prominent role play in the kink community is the power exchange between a dominant party and a submissive party. This is the underlying role play that we all do in our relationships, and what makes sex more fun for us than when it is just vanilla.

Sure, sometimes we role play the kidnapper and the hostage. Some folks enjoy rape play. Some enjoy race play. And there is an underlying power dynamic that is generally involved in these types of role play.

However, at the end of the day, we all role play master and servant, or dom and sub, or mistress and pet. That is really the very essence of what the kink community is all about.

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Fetish Series

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The BDSM community is a group of diverse people. We certainly have things in common, such as our agreement to be accepting of others, and to engage in safe, sane, and consensual play.

However, there is a phrase we often use: “Your kink is not my kink.”

This is meant to refer to the fact that we’re all kinky in different ways. You may be a Furry or a Little. I am neither of those things. However, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t part of the same community.

I get asked about different fetishes a lot.

I think that if we are all part of the same community, then we should probably know about each other’s kinks. We wouldn’t want to misrepresent someone else’s fetish to a vanilla person, right?

With that in mind, I am starting a series of posts on various fetishes. Hopefully by the time I am done, you will all feel very informed about different things that are out there.

Vanilla folks often make out various fetishes to be much more disturbing than they are, and they can be very judgmental about us as a whole. However, some folks in the community can be judgmental too; saying things like: “I am into bondage and impact play, but I think piss play is gross.”

It is my personal supposition that once you understand a fetish and why someone is into it, you will be more tolerant. This series will address that idea.

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Introduction to Fetishes

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Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support. 

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

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Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone  who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

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Just pictures

I have so many pictures I really love, and even though I have posted some of them before, I wanted to do a post that was JUST about seeing the things in my world. So, here goes:

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

So in South Korea they have these penis parks like Jeju Loveland, where you go and look at statues of people having sex, and of penises and such. This is a wind chime made of wooden penises.

Just a sex statue

A sex statue

I think this is supposed to be the god Pan fucking a woman. If you go to Korea, you really have to check out the penis parks!

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I don’t have many pictures from fetish events or play parties. Cameras are not allowed in most situations because no one wants to be “outed” as being kinky. So while you won’t see a picture of me, you can see my hand grabbing one of my pets.

My favorite shirt that I own

My favorite shirt that I own

I never get to wear this shirt. It’s not really okay in most social situations. But I fucking love it!

Just toys laid out for the night

Just toys laid out for the night

I love when you lay out your toys for the night and then sit waiting for your victim to arrive…

Nothing major. Just some claw marks.

Claw marks.

I didn’t feel like pulling out the whips and chains, but I still left my mark.

Just a bag of stuff for a play party

A bag of stuff for a play party

Off to a play party, so I had to pack of bag of clothes and toys! Oh- how I love a good play party with fun people!

Collars!

Collars!

I love collars! Decorative, play, or ownership collars; it doesn’t matter. They’re all so great!

Toys!

Toys!

Another night of fun all laid out on the table and ready for the pets to arrive.

Blindfolds

Blindfolds

I love going to Everland because of the blindfolds… (So much better than a plain one, yes?)

At a show

At a show

I have mentioned Element a440 before. They do songs about whips and chains and they are great dungeon music. In addition, their stage show involves tying girls to crosses…

From a play party

From a play party

I just love the crops next to the veggie tray. I wish I could take more pictures at play parties, but…

Rope suspension

Rope suspension

Now, even with his face blocked, you can tell this is my brilliant friend Hexavier. Most people I know wouldn’t let me “out” them on my blog, but Hexavier is a special breed. He’s also the best at rope work that I have ever seen, and he built his own rig.

Punishment room

Punishment room

In Korea they used to spank people as a punishment. This is one of the spanking rooms. I am not making this up. This was a serious government punishment.

Bondage bunny

Bondage bunny

I haven’t really ever done a post about furries. I probably should. There is certainly some kinky furry sex at Fetish Proms…

Whips!

Whips!

This is just some of the toys we had at a play party that we threw. So many choices!

Paperwork

Paperwork

Remember, paperwork is important! Do not play with a sub until you have a signed consent form. It never hurts to go over a checklist as well.

Still my favorite

Still my favorite

Of all the pictures ever taken of Pet and I, this is my favorite. It’s better than our wedding photos.

Remembering...

Remembering…

And of course, fliers from some of my shows. Play parties are private and in someone’s home. It’s a small group, and yes they sometimes turn into an orgy. Erotic balls and fetish proms are a way of showing off your kink in pubic by dressing up, watching performances, etc…