Fetish Series: Bondage

Wife ties up husband in bed, so she can have a good sleep

 

I am going to start with the joke that isn’t funny (above). Do not ever restrain your partner and then leave them, unless this is a pre-arranged situation and they have an abandonment fetish. Even then, you need to be close by to monitor the situation in case there is a fire, the house is broken into, a swam of bees gets in the house, etc…

Seriously, it’s not funny to handcuff your partner to the bed and then leave. I see this all the time in TV/movies/cartoons/culture presented as a hilarious joke, but it’s really not amusing, okay?

BDSM motto: “Safe, sane, and consensual.”

Period.

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Now again, every vanilla person has handcuffed a sexual partner at some point. So like all things, there is a gradient of kink here. Handcuffs really aren’t very kinky, because kink is about sexual taboo, and about things outside of the normal.

So what else is there?

Well first, I recommend anyone even considering cuffs use leather instead of metal. This is because they won’t cause permanent damage to a submissive or the furniture. It’s just a better way to go.

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You can use a series of leather cuffs to bind a person, and it is a quick and easy way to ensure that they are unable to move. Wrist and ankle cuffs are the most common, but obviously you can get them in various sizes, and with various lengths of chain/straps to connect them.

This isn’t necessarily an elegant way to bind someone, but it is easy to get in and out of, and it doesn’t require a significant commitment of time or effort.

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Probably the most beautiful and elegant way to bind someone is shibari, or Japanese rope bondage. This is a skill that takes practice, and it is definitely fancy enough to be considered an art form.

Because any kind of rope bondage can be dangerous (cutting off circulation to limbs can cause permanent damage) I recommend learning from people who really know what they are doing. Both the Knotty Boys and Twisted Monk offer wonderful video tutorials.

People who become very skilled in this art will sometimes also do rope suspensions from hard points in the ceiling. However, again, this takes a lot of practice and is not for beginners.

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One way to learn things like Shibari and suspensions is through your community, so make sure to check your local resources. Some cities have awesome public dungeons that you can visit like the CSPC (which contains a learning annex), and even small towns have members on Fetlife.com who can help you find a workshop to go to.

Remember, don’t be shy. Use the local resources in your community to learn about BDSM safely! I know that at first you might feel nervous about it, but do it anyway.

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If you would rather, there are body suits you can buy for bondage. Some are leather, and some are latex. Both are very popular, and indeed, some people have fetishes just based around the wearing of leather/latex.

However, if the material doesn’t matter to you, then you can simulate the same kind of thing with plastic wrap. It is cheap, but very restrictive.  I would ask that you be careful to ensure that your submissive has plenty of circulation to all body parts, and also that you make sure to have a cutting tool on hand.

As long as you keep those things in mind, it’s a fun option for full-body bondage.

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There is all kinds of furniture designed for bondage. Above is a spanking bench, but there are also stockades, spanking poles, and all kinds of other options.

Making your own is typically cheaper, as it is rare that you can find such things for purchase, and when you do the price is typically steep.

So, you might want to take a basic carpentry class is furniture is your thing. It will save you money/effort in the long run, and carpentry is an easy and fun hobby.

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Perhaps also in the category of furniture is cages. You can typically find these for purchase because cages are used for dogs, and also for larger animals in zoos. Specialty pet stores will often have fancy options, and also your basic kennels available.

However, you can also weld your own, or purchase some that are specifically intended for kink. My friend Steve Haworth happens to do this, and makes very cool round cages that come in two parts which fit together.

In any case, cages are another form of bondage that you may be interested in.

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Gags are also a popular form of bondage. Remember, if you use them, you will need a non-verbal safe word of some kind. Please decide this before play.

There are several kinds of gags. I am going to go ahead and say that ball gags are only for looks. They are way too easy for a bratty sub to spit out. If you like the look, I won’t fault you.

However, if you actually want to gag someone and have them stay gagged, I recommend a spider gag. They also look cool, and no sub is spitting those out!

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This all seems very elaborate, and maybe some people feel that such elaborate apparatus are going “over the top.” I would remind you that all these things can be fun if you are willing to give them a try, but that it’s perfectly fine if you are lazy like me and typically just bind someone with gear ties. (Yes, I really do.) Bondage can be fancy and it is often beautiful when it is. But of course, it doesn’t have to be.

Remember there are often a thousand ways to do something, and they can all be fun.

Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay!

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Sensory Deprivation 101

I love this blindfold and will make my next submissive wear it!

Before I start, I’d like to remind you all that these are just techniques that I use, and they don’t necessarily work for everyone. I’m just here to give you ideas- but no one said I am right.

Quote: “Can you speak up- I don’t have my glasses on.” My friend said this to me, and as silly as it sounds, it made perfect sense to me. She was having trouble hearing me because she couldn’t see, and her body was freaking out and being confused. She felt helpless. That helpless feeling is a step in the right direction to putting someone into subspace.

First, let’s talk about blindfolding your partner. This can be difficult. It’s not always easy to find a blindfold that will fit your partner. However, there are many advantages to having someone unable to see. Sight is something we depend on a great deal. Without it, a submissive can’t always tell where I am, or what toy I am about to use on them. I find many submissives enjoy that feeling of suspense.

So what are some good things to do when a submissive can’t see you? I’ll be honest- I’m somewhat of a sadist. I like to hurt them in ways they didn’t see coming. It’s fun to hear someone gasp when they’ve just been bitten on the nipple completely unexpectedly. It’s fun to see someone squirm in pain when they’ve been spanked unexpectedly. Again, that’s just me.

You might choose to be more sensual with it. Feathers are good to tease people, as well as ice cubes, and knives. (Please use the dull side to avoid accidentally cutting your sub when they jump or get startled!)

In addition to blindfolds, there are lots of other ways to deny your partner the senses they depend on. I enjoy using a gag, because even if someone does not usually speak, there is a big difference between choosing not to speak and not being able to speak (taking away choices can be sexy). I’d like to caution people though: Non-verbal safe words are very important. Make sure you talk to your partner about a way for them to signal that they are unhappy (yellow light) and a way to signal that they want to end the scene (red light).

On that note, I am going to get up on a soap box for one minute because I had a conversation with someone that made me need to express this often and assertively: It is okay to use a safe word. It’s not a failure. It’s not being a bad sub. If you want me to stop, say so! I think all responsible Dominant-types are always perfectly happy to stop whatever they are doing immediately if their partner wishes it- no matter what. There should never be disappointment associated with using a safe word. It’s a learning experience and those are important.

Sorry. I’m climbing down off my soap box now. Back to tips and tricks for gagging your partner. Once you establish a non-verbal safe word such as the stiffening of the spine or the tapping on a foot on the ground, then you’re ready to gag your submissive. Some people really like to get creative with this. They like to use their sub’s underwear as a gag, or some other found object in a house. I personally use a ball gag, because I am lazy. Toys made for the purpose are easier than improvised toys, in my humble opinion. That is just a matter of personal taste.

For me, it’s much easier to play with verbal degradation when my sub is gagged. I feel like, even if they wouldn’t talk back while their mouth was unobstructed, it’s easier for me to tell them what a dirty little fuck-toy they look like while they are unable to respond. I also enjoy flogging more when my sub is gagged, because they can’t really scream properly. The same goes for pegging. It’s much more fun when they make those strangled, helpless noises through their nose because they can’t call out. (Also, the neighbors probably appreciate it.)

Obviously I’ve talked before about rope, and that is another good way to take some of your submissive’s freedom. Not letting them touch you (particularly when they are bound) can be very intense. It lets you be in control of every touch that happens between you. No matter how much they want to reach out for you, they can not.

Of course, you can combine these various things, and have fun with them in various ways. It’s a lot of fun to keep a submissive’s blindfold on the whole time they are at your house, for example. So, when they want to go pee, they will have to feel their way around while you watch and chuckle (but keep an eye on them!). You can even leave them gagged and blindfolded, only letting their hands and feet free. Feeding someone while they are blindfolded is interesting, too.

At any rate, remember that the bottom line is always safety. Never forget to be attentive to your sub and always check often that they are okay. Also remember that respect is key. Have respect for the people who are willing to submit to you, and treat them well.