The Sex Club Problem

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I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

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For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

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Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

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See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

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Orientation Series: Gender

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Gender is really hard for me to talk about. I just don’t have the language for it. I have a friend who I saw recently in Hawaii, and she may be the only person on Earth who actually gets my gender, because she is the same way.

Like with Kink and Vanilla, it is a spectrum. However, there are more components to gender orientation, because there are more aspects to consider.

In order to explain just how complicated it is, I will frame it around my experience as an example, and then we’ll talk about it.

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So, I am a guy. I have always been a guy. As a kid I liked bugs, sports, building tree houses, playing with remote control cars, and anything else the boys were doing. My sister played with Barbie dolls, and they always bugged me. Once, my cousin Chris and I stole some fireworks from his mom’s garage, tied them around one of the Barbies, and then watched the doll explode in midair after we threw it off the deck of my house. It was very satisfying.

Some people would argue: Well, you’re just a tomboy. I get that. You see girls that like to do guy things and you think they are all the same.

However, I am not a girl who likes to do guy things. I am a guy. I have the swagger, I hold doors open for my girlfriends, and sometimes when I look at a hot girl I experience the most pronounced feelings of gender dysphoria because I can feel the penis I don’t have getting hard when I think about fucking her. Not with my fingers or with a dildo, but with the penis I was meant to have. And I can actually feel it even though it is not there.

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I spite of this, I don’t want to transition. There are lots of reasons for this. For example, science cannot make me a penis. They can make me a prosthetic that I have to pump up like a balloon, but it would never feel like a penis. Also, I learned to live with it, and now I have gotten used to it. Yes, I am a guy. That is one component of my gender identity. However, I am also a guy in a girl’s body. And that has become part of my gender orientation. It was not part of who I was as a child, but it became part of who I was some time during puberty, and now the girl body is just as much a part of my identity as the boy insides.

If you ask me, this is because to some extent, form dictates behavior.

What I mean is, you can’t have a girl’s body and not have certain experiences. The first time your best friend looks at your tits and it crushes your soul that he sees you as a girl. The first time your dad’s creepy friend smacks your butt. The first time you are sexually harassed in public. Your first period. The first time someone shames you for having a period. The first time a teacher dismisses your comment in a science or math class. The first time someone keeps going after you say “no.”

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Part of me just felt gender dysphoria, and therefore a deep sense of betrayal, when men objectified me.

However, part of me integrated it into who I was. All women do this. Some later become self-aware and fight the internalized misogyny. Others don’t. However, all of us cope with the constant objectification and shaming by internalizing it at first.

Once I had done that, being in a female body became part of who I was.

So, there is really no way to explain my gender orientation except to say that I am a man who lives in a woman’s body. Every part of that description matters, because my identity as a human relies on each caveat.

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Also, sex is confusing.

When I am having sex with a girl it feels really good because the part of me that is a guy is really into fucking a beautiful woman. However, part of me is miserable that I have to have lesbian sex with the girl because I don’t have a penis. For this reason, I like to date girls (open doors for them, pay for dates, buy them little gifts) but then watch my husband have sex with them because I can’t have the kind of sex that I want to with them, and he can. I have to tell you, not many girls are into dating a “girl” but then having sex with a “guy.” So… confusing.

And sex with guys… I don’t know. To some extent, form dictates behavior. So, at least I have that going for me. I guess over the years I found it easier (less effort and less emotional pain) to just fuck men.  So somehow I got used to it, and eventually even to like it. I mean, it doesn’t matter who licks your pussy as long as you cum, right?

Outside of sex, guys I date are just dudes I hang out with. We drink whiskey and argue about politics. We talk about girls and motorcycles that we loved. We help each other diagnose car problems. We just chill, because we are just dudes hanging out.

Actually, I relate a lot to the article I read recently about straight guys who fuck guys. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s just not like gay sex (which is its own thing entirely.) It’s just guys who happen to be horny, so why not fuck?

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The Point: I consider “A Guy in a Chick’s Body” to be my gender orientation.

A lot of us don’t have simple genders that can easily fit into the box of “girl” or “boy.” Some of us feel like both. Some of us feel like neither. Some of us are on a spectrum between the two somewhere. And you don’t have to identify as “male” or “female.” The very idea that you should have to is absurd.

I would also like to give a shout out to all the intersex people.

In the US, they make up about 1.7% of the population. So, if you know 100 people, you probably know at least one person who is intersex. These are folks who were born with both genitalia, and their parents chose a sex for them when they were babies. Personally, I think that is extremely wrong. They should be allowed to grow up as they are, intact, and then decide for themselves if they want to be one or the other.

The percentage of intersex births is actually on the rise. It is my personal opinion that many of the people who are trying to desperately to push the narrative of “male” and “female” are just intersex people who were mutilated at birth. Their parents probably tried really hard to force them into a gender because they were horrified to have had an intersex baby, and thus the children place too much emphasis on “acting their gender.”

For the rest of us, I think it’s about time that we just admit that it is a complicated issue and let people identify as whatever the fuck they feel like. It’s just easier that way.

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Boy inside (blue) + Girl Outside (pink) = The Lady Violet.

(For those of you that never got the joke behind my Domme name and favorite color.)