Valentine’s Nightmare

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Every year Valentine’s Day looms; that pain-in-the-ass day where you feel obligated to honor all of your intimate relationships. Yuck.

Personally, I am much more interested in buying gifts for people when the mood strikes me (if I see something they would like.) And yet, if you don’t get a gift for your significant others on Valentine’s Day then you are an asshole. Also, it has to be a gift they would like; not something that you want (Example: Do not get your girlfriend lingerie and then ask her to wear for you unless she asked for it.)

If you are monogamous, then you really only have to worry about one person, so that is a relief. In this way, you can stress about Valentine’s Day like a vanilla person, with only the concerns of what to get and where to go. It’s still uncomfortable pressure on what might otherwise be a comfortable relationship. But at least you only have the one person to concern yourself with.

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If you are Poly, then you either put a lot of thought into planning something special for everyone you are dating, …or you are me.

Normally I am pretty good at this stuff. I have been poly for a long time, and I know that I need to make sure that everyone feels valued on important days. But sometimes (like right now) I am a little overwhelmed and it all falls apart.

The story goes like this: I just got back from Australia and I am still recovering from the trip. I won’t bore you with the details, but I am not as young as I used to be and I have medical issues that make traveling hard. So, I needed to catch up on doctor’s appointments and sleep.

I bought my husband a card and some chocolates and I thought “that should be fine.” After all, the rest of my relationships are long-distance right now, so what are the odds they will want to exchange gifts? I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I was lying to myself, but it felt so good to choose the option that didn’t involve getting out of bed, so I did…

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Then a very sweet card arrived from one of my guys in the US, with a gift card inside.

Fuck.

So of course, I panicked like the basket-case that I am at the moment.

I jumped on Amazon.com and send him a gift that is probably over-the-top because I feel guilty. Then I grabbed my address book and picked out a book for the other guy I am in a relationship with as well (just in case he got me something.)

Then, sitting by myself on my floor having just spent $100 on amazon, I wondered if I am also expected to call.

Probably.

On the day, or the weekend before?

I have no idea.

Le Sigh.

And this is just the distress of a person who is casually dating people who she is geographically separated from. When we all lived in the same place, it was much more complicated. Who gets Valentine’s Day night? My primary? Or since they get me all the time, is that not fair? What if my primary says they don’t care about Valentine’s Day and so I make other plans, but then they realize last minute that they do care?

This is different for poly people who don’t have separate relationships. Sometimes a couple dates another person as a unicorn and they can all spend Valentine’s Day together. Sometimes two people are dating two other people and each other, and they can just double-date. There are lots of situations that can work out to be less complicated, depending.

Mine just isn’t currently one of them.

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Anyway, you can tell I hate Valentine’s Day. It is, and always has been, my least favorite holiday. It’s full of pressure to have the perfect dinner, the perfect scene, and the perfect sex. Not to mention the pressure on Poly folks to decide who you see on the day, and who gets a day that isn’t really Valentine’s Day but you can pretend.

You can say that I am just contrary, (since if you know me, you know I also hate Christmas.) But I would argue that I have very good reasons to dislike the holidays that I dislike, and that I make up for it by loving Halloween five or six times more than normal.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good Valentine’s Day. Spend it with people you love and don’t let the societal pressures and expectations bum you out!

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Getting Someone Into Kink

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Question: How do I get my significant other into kink?

I got a lot of questions over the holiday season from readers that went something like this:

“I got my wife a bunch of kink toys for Christmas. How do I get her to use them with me? She’s not into kink, but I want her to be.”

After sighing deeply and feeling extremely sorry for those women, I wrote back to say the following:

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First, put the sex toys in the closet and go buy your wife something she actually wanted. It is the height of assholery to buy someone else a present that is actually for you. If you think that is okay, then you are a bad person and you should not be allowed to date until you figure out how to be less selfish.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, how do you get someone to be interested in kink?

Well, you need to stop talking in terms of your own wants, and start talking in terms of the other person’s wants.

Remember that changing the behavior of another person means that you have to appeal to them. Trying to force someone to do something because you want it only leads to resentment down the road (which is how you ruin your relationship in slow motion.)

So, ask your partner what they want. Then listen. Then build on it.

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Unfortunately this advice has been misunderstood by others. I thought it was pretty straightforward, but it turns out that I was wrong. So let me be very explicit this time:

Take your partner to dinner. Take them home and have considerate and loving sex with them. Make sure they have an orgasm. (Which, as I have said before, does not happen from just penetration so use your tongue or a vibrator on her clit for that to happen.)

After sex when you are laying in the dark basking in the glow of happy feelings that you get after sex, ask them about their fantasies. Probe them gently about what they think about when they are alone. Do they think any toys sound interesting? Are they curious about the stuff from that book that all women read that was a shitty representation of BDSM but which did involve some spanking and whipping?  Have they ever wondered about what other things you two might be able to do?

No matter what they ask for: Say YES!

This is so important. If your significant other asks you to fist them, or have a threesome with a guy, or anything at all, you say yes and you do it. Never ever tell them “no” about their sexual fantasies or they will not share more. Say “yes,” and then do whatever they asked you to do.

The reason for this is that sex is a rabbit hole. Once you start to experiment, it just keeps going. If your partner tries something they dreamed of and it makes them happy, then they will feel like fantasies really can come true. This will lead to other fantasies. In time, the experimentation will lead to more and more “hard core” things, and soon you will be able to take those toys you bought out of the closet and she will be excited to try them.

Now, I wrote back saying this to the men who asked me. You would think they would say: “Thank you for the advice.” However, you would be wrong. To a man, they told me that I was wrong, and that their wife/partner was perfectly happy with the boring sex they always have. One guy actually said to me:

“My wife was a virgin when we met and she is totally satisfied right now with the sex that we are having. She always has been. It’s just me that is bored.”

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All I can say is:

You are lying to yourself, but that doesn’t mean I like it when you lie to me.

Your wife is bored. She is bored out of her goddamn mind. I know this because studies have shown that women get bored with sex far quicker than men do. In one study, men were asked if they still enjoyed having sex with their wives. They mostly said that they never got tired of fucking their wives, and even though they might have fantasized about variety from time to time, it did not mean that they didn’t want to keep fucking their wives.

Actually it comes up again and again. In studies of why men cheat, they always say that it is not because they stopped loving their wife, or that they stopped wanting to have sex with her. They simply wanted variety. However, they still wanted to fuck their wives.

The same is not true for women. Women get bored very easily. This may be down to biology. It has been suggested that all women want to be gang-banged by as many men as possible so that the best sperm can win and create the best offspring. Or, it may simply be down to men being bad at sex (not knowing how to get a woman off and joking about the “myth of the female orgasm.”)

Many women do say that they didn’t know how to tell their husband that they were stick of him pounding away and then going “Did you cum?” After all, of course they didn’t! That is not how women get off. Some of the poor dears don’t even know how they get off, and they think an orgasm is just “feeling nice” so they imagine that they have had one. I have talked to these women and tried to explain that, “No sweety, you are supposed to have a climax just like your husband. It’s not a ‘good feeling’ at all. It’s an orgasm. It’s an amazing feeling.”

Whatever the case, women initiate nearly 70% of all divorces now, and leading psychologists theorize that this is due to a lack of sexual satisfaction which makes them feel like they have “fallen out of love” with their husbands. In many cases, they really haven’t fallen out of love; they are just sick of having bad sex. Many women who initiate divorces say “My vibrator actually gets me off, and it doesn’t expect me to do its laundry.

I would suggest that men are in denial. They watch porn and have a false idea of how women achieve orgasm, and this is the main reason (in my experience) that women initiate most divorces.

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The point: No, your wife is not “perfectly satisfied.” It takes a lot more to satisfy a woman than it does to satisfy a man (which is why I got lazy and married a man.) Your wife will never be perfectly satisfied, which is why you need to constantly work to keep things interesting if you want to keep her.

I have been extremely interested over the last 30 years or so as I watched the entire discussion around marriage shift. It used to be something that women wanted, and men didn’t. Now there is new research showing that, due to the societal expectations placed on women in marriage, it is no longer desirable to them. They are expected to work full-time jobs, and still do most of the housework and childcare. They are expected to give up their identity by taking their husband’s name, and also give that name to any children they have (even though they literally make those children inside their own bodies.)

Women have started reading about how other cultures do not force women to take their husband’s names, and cultures where children belong to the women without question, since she makes them. They are reading about sperm cells made from their own bone marrow, meaning that men are no longer necessary to have children at all. And, they are realizing that boyfriends bring over flowers and chocolate, while husbands snore and make a mess.

This is probably why women who are married are less healthy, and why they report lower levels of happiness than their single counterparts.

Meanwhile, married man lived longer and reported higher levels of happiness.

I was so shocked by the guy who said that his wife was “perfectly satisfied” and I actually still haven’t written back. I was just so blown away by the level of denial that he was in, and by the absolute lack of understanding of his place in a changing society.

Side Note: When I married my husband he was pretty boring in bed, too. Don’t take it from me, because he will admit it as well. I painstakingly trained him over the course of about a year. And now, when I whore him out to my friends, they don’t have enough nice things to say. It’s wonderful when people appreciate your hard work, isn’t it? So ladies, please train men instead of throwing them away after faking an orgasm. If we all work together, we CAN teach them how to stop sucking in bed.  

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So listen up, men:

Statistically speaking, your wife likely dreams of being fucked by man after man in an endless succession. She probably dreams about each of them going down on her and licking the cum of the previous man away while stimulating her clit until she comes again and again (because we can have multiple orgasms.)

She probably thinks she is falling out of love with you every time she starts to get bored in bed because you are just sticking your cock in, pumping until you get off, and then falling asleep. And, according to statistics, it is more likely that she will end up leaving you than that you will ever leave her.

Your wife probably has more fantasies than you do about a wider variety of things, and she probably read 50 Shades of Grey and wanted someone to spank her, whip her, and eat her out like it was their job even while she was on her period.

Please stop acting like your wife could not possibly be bored.

AND, you are a shitbag if you get her sex toys that you want for Christmas. Buy her some damn jewelry and give her the sex toys only when she brings them up. And stop writing to me and saying stuff that makes me absolutely shocked at how shitty most men are.

Side note: My husband, on the other hand, would prefer that you keep writing to me saying shitty things that prove how clueless most men can be. He knows that as long as you keep making all other men look like complete jackoffs, I will keep being grateful to have him. 

 

Boyfriend

If you Google “Boyfriend” the first thing that comes up is a happy couple where the women looks like she is in love.

 

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If you Google “husband” you get a women trying to talk to a man and him looking annoyed. This is because we all know that many women get unhappy in marriages.