BDSM Resources

LadyPimPuppyPlay


It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Scene Music

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Everyone has their own ideas about what kind of music sets a good tone for a scene. Some people prefer classical music because they think that it is classy. Some prefer whatever music they normally listen to because music isn’t really something that they think of as part of the scene.

For me personally, I prefer Goth/Industrial because it makes me feel like a Dominatrix. Here is a list of some of the music I would recommend if your taste is anything like mine.

Let’s start with a band called element a440. You probably don’t know them, but you should.



My second-favorite scene music is definitely Faderhead. The track I wanted to embed is called “Like a Rocket,” but they don’t have a video for it. So, here’s one that’s a little more low-key but still good.



I also really enjoy some older music that still has a good sound to it. I have been a fan of Rob Zombie for sexytime since ever since.



As far as music that never gets old, I don’t think that I could ever be sick of Manson. I am an old-school Goth from way back, so I can’t really help myself. I love Manson. And all his songs make me feel sexy because I remember dancing to them at The Nile and Transylvania and other Phoenix Goth clubs when I was young and hot and awesome.



I also like to get a little harder sometimes, so I include some metal. When I am flogging someone in a soft and teasing way and then a really good metal song comes on, it makes me really let loose. Children of Bodem is my favorite, and it doesn’t get better than Needled 24/7.



I also adore Hardwire because they are really what Industrial music is all about, and sometimes you just need to feel like you are in a torture chamber in an abandoned warehouse.



I think the important thing is to think about what music makes you feel sexy and powerful. Do you love punk? Do you feel empowered listening to Hardcore industrial? Okay. Then through that on your playlist for a scene. It’ll help you get into the right headspace, and that is really the hardest part of kink for most people.

Parts of a Scene

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A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

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Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

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Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do.  Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

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Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

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Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

Music to have Kinky Sex to

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I am often asked what is good dungeon music. This is largely a matter of opinion, and I can’t tell you what you should listen to when you have sex.

That said, here are some of my favorites:

Element a440, Kookie Kutter

Faderhead, Aim to misbehave

Hardwire, Sex Slave

Rammstein, Pussy (Sadly censored)

Selfless, Clarity

Note: All I could find was a live video on youtube, but if you can find any of their albums they are absolutely divine to do kinky things to.) 

Hedley, Don’t Talk To Strangers

Note: I just like this one because I am a cougar most of the time.

So obviously anything my Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Mason is good for a dungeon environment. Once at a play party we ended up watching LMFAO videos because the power of laughter can not be underestimated. *Shrugs*

I personally like a lot of heavy metal like Children of Bodeom and Cradle of Filth. I recognize that this is not for everyone. But if I want to hit someone hard, it really helps. Plus it’s good for what I guess you called fucking. Porn-style sex, you know? I like that…