My Reasons for Not Dating

I live in a female body, and I date mostly men. This used to be pretty easy, because men used to be mostly nice. I didn’t have a lot of trouble finding someone to spend time with.

However, things have become miserable in the dating world, and I want other people who live in female bodies to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. Therefore, I have decided to write out my reasons for not really being as into dating as I used to be.

First, Reddit ruined a lot of things because men got together and invented stuff like “stealthing” and “ghosting” on there.

Stealthing: The rape of a woman by getting her to consent to sex with a condom, and then removing the condom without her permission. The stated intention here is to “get the bitch pregnant” because men think it is funny. They get to trap women into bearing their offspring, which they wrote about as “totally hilarious” on the threads where this concept was created.

Ghosting: After (or before if you prefer) you get that woman pregnant without her consent, you will “ghost” her. This means that you will completely vanish. You’ll block her on social media, move if she knew where you lived, and just make sure that she is surprised by your total abandonment. Points if you find a way to get her reaction and upload it, because “it’s fun to laugh at those dumb cunts for having feelings.” The threads of this toxic stuff were unbearable to read.

(Note: I know women adopted the practice of “ghosting” after men invented it. To be fair, it makes more sense for women since men handle rejection poorly and are known to kill women who try to leave them.)

Before you ask, yes, I am aware that 4Chan is where all this anti-woman stuff started. I get that. But you have to understand, 4Chan was only ever a few weirdos. It didn’t have the audience of a movie theater, let alone the millions of people across the globe who spent time on Reddit in its heyday. Every major celebrity did an AMA on Reddit a decade ago, and it was referenced constantly in the media. 4Chan (or 8Chan now) wishes they could get that kind of attention!

You had this huge platform that was used by nearly everyone, and it was filled to the brim with toxic anti-woman rhetoric. I mean, it still is. It just doesn’t matter now because everyone forgot about Reddit and it became deeply irrelevant. However, when it was popular, it spawned a hate movement against women that has endured.

Next, idiots like Jordan Peterson came along to explain why women being inferior is “just science.” This spawned the incel movement.

Basically, a bunch of guys (many of which even look kind of normal on the outside) turned out to have really horrendous personalities. Like, offensively bad. And instead of telling them to grow up and stop being awful, the incel movement told them that it was the women’s fault that they couldn’t have sex. See women (how dare they) prefer men who treat them with respect. The incel movement contends that they do not deserve respect because women are objects, and that women have no right to prefer more attractive men over bald assholes who are unemployed and have no interesting hobbies. The very idea of women being allowed to have a preference in who they sleep with is attacked by incels, and Jordan Peterson went so far as to suggest that women should simply be assigned to the men who “deserve them” (see his vomit on “enforced monogamy.”)

Then, we got the most toxic evolution yet: Men’s Rights Activists (hereafter refereed to as MRAs.)

The name is a misnomer. They absolutely do not help set up shelters for abused men. They absolutely do not reach out to men who have been raped and find them support groups. They don’t help fathers in custody battles or fight against mandatory registration in the selective service. MRAs do nothing at all for men.

The real reason they exist is to try to gaslight women. Their entire goal is to build nonsensical arguments in which they attempt to paint women as the villains of every story. The narrative is that women only care about men’s earning power and are always trying to steal men’s money and their sperm.

(So, basically they’re trying to paint all women as the female characters in Jane Austin’s satirical work “Pride and Prejudice.” Women did used to have to find a husband when it was illegal for them to have jobs, and MRAs like to pretend that women are still motivated by the same things as they were in 1750.)

It is the most toxic garbage that culture has ever produced, and if we had any sense, we’d be locking these people up before they go on shootings sprees.

Obviously we need to take a break and talk reality because we can’t let too many paragraphs of shit pile up in a row:

1. Feminism has worked hard to fight for equal pay. We don’t have it yet, but we’re getting closer. We want to work, and we want to have access to the same pay and opportunities that men do.

2. Feminism has worked hard for equal opportunities. Once upon a time we could only be teachers or nurses, if we could have a job at all. Now, we can do almost any job. Someday we hope all jobs will be open to us!

3. Women are having less children than ever before, and the rate of women under 25 who are finding ways to get sterilized is skyrockting. Many women have rejected both marriage and children as traps that keep them from being able to work and live independently.

4. Women are not trying to take things from men. They are trying to get rights for themselves so that they can live independently with the same quality of life as men. Remember: Rights are not a pie. If we get some, it doesn’t mean men lose some.

The point is: Over time, a very toxic culture has evolved in which women are treated extremely badly and given no rights at all.

Rapists serve little to no jail time, but women who lie about being raped tend to spend decades in prison. Ergo, a man’s reputation in the community is considered to have much more value than a women’s right to not have her body violated.

Men’s healthcare isn’t regulated at all, and insurance covers things like Viagra and prostate exams as if it was nothing. Meanwhile men are trying to stop women from having access to any reproductive healthcare at all, from birth control to Plan B to a pap smear every 2 years (as is recommended to screen for cancer.) Ergo, a man’s right to healthcare is more important than a woman’s, even though women bear more responsibilities health-wise (since we literally make all the humans.)

Women are expected to work full-time, but they are also expected to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. If a child is ill, society expects the women to take the day off work, not the man. Ergo, a man’s career and free time are placed above a woman’s.

The entire world is designed for men, from cabinet height to safety features in vehicles. It’s literally dangerous to just exist in the world as a women, because safety standards for drugs, planes, and everything else are all developed with men in mind. Ergo, men’s safety and health is placed above women’s in all aspects of societal design.

Even when men are at a disadvantage, for example because of suicide or homelessness, it is because of other men.

The patriarchy is what teaches men that they cannot talk about their feelings or ask for help. Men throw the suicide rates in women’s faces and say “We’re the real victims because we kill ourselves!” Yet feminists have been begging men for ages to let go of toxic masculinity and admit to being human for the sake of their own mental health. Ergo, even when men create a problem and perpetuate a problem, they still blame it on women and use it as a way to attack women (though women are obviously not to blame for them killing themselves.)

Even as women face discrimination in all these ways and many more, MRAs will gaslight and lie and do everything they can to pretend that women have the advantage. Why? Because all they really care about is that women have the right to say “no.”

This makes them furious.

The truth is, MRAs are deeply inferior to real, worthwhile men. So, when a woman has a right to say no, they don’t get picked. This is the root of their anger and why they suck so much. Even the ones who have a girlfriend or wife are furious because they think she is inferior to what they deserve. I knew a (fairly ugly) white guy who married a (well-suited) white girl. After a few years, he became an MRA because deep down, he believed that Asian women were better than white women, and he believed that he deserved an Asian woman.

This is not a small movement. One of my ex-boyfriend’s (awkward and bad at dating) has become a Men’s Rights Activist. He’s 100% brainwashed by the rhetoric and believes the ridiculous lie that “women have it better.” As we sob over America becoming Gilead and losing all our rights, this asshole is convinced that we have it better than him!

Why? Because women can say no.

This is where we reach the true heart of the matter.

See, women are more likely to be fine with a bottle of wine, a cat, and a vibrator. From a young age, they’ve been forced to hide their emotions, even as chunks of discarded uterine lining leak out of them while they work or attend school or live their lives. Women are tough as fuck. And if women want to have kids, they can just go to a sperm bank. Plus women are more open about being sexually fluid and more likely to cuddle with or have sex with their friends. At the very least, they’ll talk to their friends about personal stuff. Women don’t actually need men, because they have themselves and each other.

On the other hand, the patriarch tells men that they can’t have friends. If they talk about anything other than sports and grilling, then they’re gay (which the patriarchy says is bad!) A man on his own has no outlet for his emotions, and no one to care about him. Men force this on themselves, but then they blame women for it. They feel that because the patriarchy tells them that they can’t have friends, that means that they are owed a wife to care about them.

This is the worst bit: MRAs are so convinced that every one of them is owed a woman who will make them the center of their universe and do everything for them. (Read: A slave.)

With all this toxic bullshit going on, I’m just tired.

I get at least one obnoxious message per week in my fetlife inbox. Some lowlife is always saying “You should suck my cock.” Um… no. I don’t want your dick pics and I’m not interested in your bullshit. I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated as such. Period.

So when people ask me why I’m not dating, this is a big part of it. Sure, there’s the health problems. And there’s the fact that I’m already maintaining several relationships. I’m busy, and dating takes time. But it’s more than that. It’s that when I do date, it’s a bunch of seriously gross dudes out there acting like assholes. And then I went on a date with a woman, and she was like “Being trans is a mental illness and abortion should be illegal,” and my metaphorical dick crawled up inside me and was like “Nnnnooooooo!!!”

What I need is to meet some people who actually think women deserve rights (which we do) and who know that being transgender is an aspect of biology (which it is.) I need to find a few decent human beings to be friends with who can restore my faith in humanity. If I can do that, then maybe I’ll think about giving dating another try.

Right now though, if my husband died, I would probably just get an iguana to cuddle (I’m allergic to fur) and call it good. I’d get arthritis in my hands from masturbating, but se la vie. It’s better than dealing with incels and MRAs.

One final note: The toxic men who are discussed in this article are the same toxic men who pretend that feminism is evil. They say that feminist “hate men.”

My husband is a feminist. He genuinely believes that women deserve equal rights, and he genuinely feels that they should be treated with dignity and respect. I have several male friends who also identify as feminists, because they know that it’s needed.

Women got the right to vote in 1920, less than 100 years ago. It was feminists who fought for this.

Women got the right to have bank accounts and lines of credit such as mortgages in 1974. Again, it was feminists who fought for this.

Women eventually got the right to have nearly all jobs, from fire fighter to Navy Seal, and this was through the tireless work of feminists.

Feminism has always been about gaining equality, and it still is. We still need to have paid family leave. We need laws that prevent women from being refused promotions due to having children. We need laws that actually punish men for rape. We need privacy in healthcare just like men have. We need to be allowed to carry weapons and use them to self-defense (which -right now- gets women thrown in prison for life.) We need to be taken seriously when we say that we are being stalked and harassed. We need doctors to take us seriously when we are in pain. Plus, you know, about a million other things that we still need to fight for. (I’m tired just thinking about it.)

However, all the goals of feminism are to get women (including minority women) the rights they deserve. Feminists do not “hate” men, nor do they want men to have less. They just want equality, and they have been fighting for it since society began.

And, we will prevail.

The Politics of Dating

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The man enjoys free time while the woman cleans and cares for the baby. This is the narrative that men are pushing as “normal.”

When I was a little girl, I remember being taught a narrative by adults and the media. It was: “Girls want to get married, and boys don’t.” This was largely true in the 1980’s, because women still weren’t allowed to do most jobs, and they were paid significantly less than men for the same work. They had to get married or face extreme poverty. Without any real choice, women got married.

During my lifetime, I have seen things change dramatically. Women have a choice now. The pay gap is still there in most fields, but it is smaller. And these days, there are very few jobs that still exclude women.

Of course, the pink tax is still holding women back. And, the lack of paid maternity leave and government daycare often places and unfair burden on women (who are still overwhelmingly doing all the childcare.)

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Items for women are taxed extra, such as tampons and makeup.

However, we have come much closer to equality. As this has happened, there has also been a fundamental shift in the dating community and in which gender most hopes to get married.

According to recent studies, men benefit from marriage. They report higher levels of happiness, and they enjoy better health. Marriage is a good deal for men.

However, the opposite is true for women. Married women tend to be more overweight, and more likely to suffer from poor health and stress. In fact, divorcesource.com claims that 80% of all divorces are filed by women. This is in spite of the fact that changes in the law mean that women tend to get nothing in a divorce besides what they came into the marriage with.

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A man relaxes while a woman cleans around him.

So why are so many women refusing marriage, and so many more choosing divorce? To start with, studies show that male attitudes have not changed in spite of the shift in culture.

When I was a child, the bureau of labor reports that only about 50% of women were working. However, women are at nearly full employment now. (Excluding cults like the FLDS and the Quiverfull Movement which oppress women from childhood and force them into an endless cycle of pregnancy and birth until they die.)

What this means is that any women you date (if you are not in a cult) will be working full-time. Yet, studies show that men still expect women to do all of the unpaid emotional labor, housework, and cooking. A man who does any of these things in the course of a relationship sees it as him “helping out” instead of simply carrying his own weight like he should. The statistics get even worse once a couple has a child, and studies show that women do nearly all of the childcare, including taking days off when a child is sick.

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“The second shift” refers to married woman having two full time jobs while men only have one.

This unequal power dynamic in relationships has caused serious problems. Women are tired of having to do the same amount of work as a man outside the home, and then being expected to do all of the work inside the home (while their male partner focuses on “guy time” and leisure activities such as video games and male-oriented outings.)

How does this change the politics of dating?

Well, men are far more hostile because they are rejecting equality. Some have blamed this on the Internet, but studies show that even when men meet a woman in-person, they are more hostile towards the woman and reject the idea of feminism in a majority of the cases.

Anti-woman groups like the MRA movement and Incles have swelled in number, and the general sentiment among men seems to be that women are “just after their money.”

Oddly, this narrative is pushed in culture exclusively by men. The idea that women want money and gifts from a man is mentioned with an 86% frequency among men (showing that nearly all men believe this outlandish claim.)

Another odd thing: Men claim that women refuse to date ugly men in spite of the overwhelming prevalence in culture of ugly men with attractive women and ugly women alone.

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In culture, we actually accept fat men with skinny women. However, there are no fat women with skinny men.

(Note: If you don’t read any of the other links, read that last one. It’s about a trend called “pigging” where men find a fat girl and pretend to love her until finally standing her up publicly while shaming her for her weight. Men go out of their way to hurt fat women while women go out of their way to make unattractive men feel comfortable.)

However, women felt completely differently.

When asked how women felt about dating and what they wanted in a mate, women overwhelmingly said they wanted someone who would treat them as an equal. They didn’t care that much about looks or money. They wanted men to do an equal share of the emotional labor in a relationship, and an equal share of household tasks. They also wanted to be valued and have their time considered as important as that of their mate. And not surprisingly, straight women complained about not enough orgasms.

(That last part is not new though, as the imbalance in orgasms in straight relationships has been an issue for most of history.)

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King of Queen star is fat, while his co-star is skinny and attractive.

Research suggests that this discrepancy in what men think women want and what women actually want is entirely based on a narrative pushed by men in culture. Men are the ones telling men that women want money and status. And, when a man is confronted with an actual woman telling him what she actually wants, they often refuse to accept it.

Why does it matter? Well, there are three main reasons that this really sucks:

1. It makes dating horrible. Men are aggressive and angry, and women are sad and disappointed. This makes for a host of bullshit from stealthing to ghosting, and an increase in people being stood up for dates. It is a toxic and hostile environment that makes us all dread dating.

2. The birth rate is falling fast. This may seem like a good thing since some would argue that it is better for the planet, but it is a demographic time bomb that will leave adults now with no one to care for them in their old age. It also points to serious economic issues in the future.

3. Single men who feel unable to woo a woman tend to act out in terrible ways. Rape, murder, and terrorist attacks are all too common ways that men attack women for their right to refuse a date. This creates an unfair burden on women, who are often terrified of being raped or murdered if they go on a date or refuse a date.

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Over and over we see that fat men are supposed to have hot wives and fat women get cats.

One study suggested that part of the bitterness in male culture in modern society is that men cannot produce their own offspring. While women do not need men to create a baby (sperm is cheap,) men do need women to make a baby. Therefore, in order to have offspring, a man must be able to successful woo a woman. This is very hard for many men, since they think that all women are gold-diggers who should have to do their laundry and cook for them.

The difference in expectations in not just an American problem. Women all over the world are rejecting the idea that they should have to be masters of the home and childcare, and they are asking for partners to treat them as equals.

In many countries, this has actually let to men buying wives from third world countries so that they have financial power over their wives and can force them into a tradition gender role from 100 years ago. However, many international organizations are really cracking down on sex trafficking. It is getting harder and harder for men to simply buy a wife that they can force into servitude.

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Men buy women for as little as $1,000 from some countries and then keep their passport, forcing them to be subservient.

So, what will the future hold for us? Will dating continue to be a cesspool of bullshit that frustrates us all and continues to perpetuate a useless gender war?

As far as scientists can tell, it seems unlikely that women will give up their newfound independence. They love working, living alone, and having freedom for the first time in human history. This means it will have to be the men who cave in and agree to treat women as equals if we want relationships to work in the future. (And honestly, if you are against equality you are wrong.)

For me, I feel that there is hope. In spite of Incels, Men’s Rights Activists, and other groups dedicated to the hate and oppression of women; I do think that men will come around. I think this because when I look at the dialog going on in each camp, I see similar themes.

Feminism is constantly suggesting that patriarchy hurts men as much as it does women, and citing the issue of men being told not to express emotions and instead to repress everything.  This same thing is cited by men as something that they want to change. In fact, most things that feminists argue for are things that men say that they want. This means that if men stopped arguing for just a moment and listened to what women were saying, we could actually fix all the problems in society pretty quickly.

(Note: There is no female equivalent of an MRA. I just want to point that out because groups dedicated to hating women are big, and groups dedicated to hating men are not. Women, by and large, have simply moved on to cats and vibrators.)

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Women still don’t have equal rights, and there is little hope of seeing an equal rights amendment any time soon.

As for me personally, I identify as male but I grew up in a female body.

This has forced me to see both sides of the issue in a great deal of detail. Most of my friends are men, and I form better relationships with men (women often seem to be competing with me over things I do not understand and it makes me uncomfortable.) However, there are some things that I cannot help but see as a woman because I have to pay the pink tax for my tampons.

I think a lot of queergender folks like myself- and a lot of transgender people- are seeing both sides of the “gender war” and realizing how silly it is. It’s like one of those episodes in a TV show where if everyone just talked to each other honestly, it could have all been solved in the first five minutes. However, because no one is being completely honest, things continue to get worse.

(I always hated those episodes of TV shows and found myself screaming at the TV “Just tell him/her the truth and get it over with!!)

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Fun fact: Cats are easier to clean up after and easier to cook for. Also, vibrators make women orgasm 100% of the time.

I would urge you all to do some soul-searching the figure out what you really want out of a relationship. And, if what you want is not an equal partner in all things, then maybe you need to adjust your expectations a little until they match up with reality. Right now, women are happier with a vibrator and a cat than they are with a man, according to science. I think that will continue until men step up and do their fair share.

And remember: True equality does not mean that each person gets exactly the same things. It’s harder to be a woman. The pay gap, the pink tax, periods, and childbirth make women carry a heavier burden than men. That’s not an opinion; it’s just an objective reality.

So men: “equal” means that you put in MORE than a woman for the same amount of the credit. You will have to step up and do more than half of the work when a woman is compromised by her biology, and it is fair and right that you do that. You are lucky enough to be free from many of the burdens that women carry, and you will need to recognize and respect that.

I know it’s a big shift in thinking, but it’s the only way that men and women are ever going to get back on the same page. Take it from a queergender person who really doesn’t feel like they have a dog in this fight. It’s just what the studies suggest and how culture is going. The saying is “some things never change,” but that simply isn’t  true. Given long enough, everything changes. And in this case, it should have changed a long time ago.

The part of me that is male is shamed by how long women have been oppressed and force into subservient roles, and I plan to fight for true equality because I genuinely believe that is is what we need to move forward.

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Because women carry a heavier burden due to periods and childbirth, equality would mean men shouldering more than 50% of the burden of household work to compensate.