Polyamory Series: Not About Threesomes

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Last week I kicked off the Polyamory Series with a basic introduction to the idea of polyamory. If you have not read it yet, please do.

Today, I want to talk about my deep and unending annoyance with men who hear “polyamory” and think “I am going to fuck so many bitches and have all the threesomes.”

Polyamory is not about you sleeping around while your partners do not, nor is it about having threesomes. Poly-amorous people do sometimes have threesomes and even orgies, but that is absolutely not what it is about.

I am going to spell this out in great detail because I am sick of people getting this wrong.

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I have been on a lot of dates in my life. I tell guys prior to dates that I am married, and that we are poly-amorous. I always think that is quite clear, and then I hear nonsense like:

1. “My wife doesn’t know, but that’s okay, right?”

2. “My wife is only into it if you will have sex with both of us.” 

3. “My wife would have to like your husband.”

4. “We just want a unicorn so your husband is out.”

And a bunch of other offensive and ignorant shit.

Let’s talk about how sick to death I am of coupes who think it’s less complicated if they date a girl together than if they both have relationships they want.

*Sigh*

It’s just not less complicated. And the logic behind this misconception is often so tragic that it makes me miserable.

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Threesome logic for vanilla monogamous types:

Guy: I want to fuck two bitches at once!!!

Girl: I guess it’s not so bad if he sleeps with someone else if I am there? And you know, maybe she will be better at going down on me than he is… 

No! Just fucking no!

If you really think you want a unicorn (term for a girl that dates a couple) then you had better both be thinking about what YOU can do for HER, because there are very few women with the slightest interest in dating a couple and they do not exist to please you.

So please guys, get it out of your head that some beautiful girl is going to come along and think that your balding head is hot and that your fat wife is gorgeous, and about how she wants to take you both on at once.

This. Will. Never. Ever. Ever. Happen. 

I am so sick of self-centered men that I can hardly stand it sometimes. Even if you have six-pack abs and a 10 inch dick, you are not god’s gift. Trust me. I have one of those at home already, so don’t think you are all that and a bag of fucking chips.

I am not impressed.

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So first pet peeve is men who think polyamory is in any way related to threesomes. Just stop it, okay?

While we are on the subject of threesome though: Guys often act like they want it and girls don’t and it’s some goal to quest over. It’s always losers on reddit.com or 4Chan.org going on and on about how they just want to get two girls in bed.

Again: No one is obligated to give a shit what you want.

Instead, let’s talk about what women want.

If they want a threesome, it is probably with two guys. One of the most common straight female fantasies is to sleep with multiple men. So stop thinking about all those boobs you are going to grab think about what your girlfriend wants.

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Next, remember that a threesome is probably not the best course of action. If you want to sleep with other people then you should. However, it is ridiculous to expect your partner to agree with you on who to sleep with. That is why you should both choose your own partners and have separate relationships with them that are not part of your primary relationship.

You might want a threesome with two girls (not that any of you ever know what to do with them when you get them,) but your girlfriend probably wants to date a guy that is different from you because women like variety, too. So go date your different girl, and let your girlfriend go date someone else as well. Forget the threesome thing.

And ladies: Please try to have the self-esteem to not be used and pushed around. Don’t be talked into a threesome that you don’t want because the unicorn can always tell. Trust me.

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Anyway, the point of all this is:

Stop confusing threesomes with polyamory. They are not the same thing. They are often mutually exclusive categories, in fact.

It’s very important that you understand this. Polyamory does involve dating more than one person at a time. However, it does not mean having sex with more than one person at a time.

(Sometimes it is easier to explain something by what it is not.)