BDSM Resources

LadyPimPuppyPlay


It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

The Ethical Slut

220px-Ethical_slut

 

Recently I read a book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. I’d been told that I should read it, and I have to admit that it was a good read.

The information in this book is laid out very well. I’ve been trying to explain these same things through various blog posts for ages, but the authors of this book put in more effort to explain the same ideas than I ever have.

For example: “A good slut is not measured by their amount of partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat each.”

Obviously I do sleep with a lot of people. But they are quality people. They are people I have exchanged STD tests with, or at the very least talked with extensively and gone through a scene negotiation with. They are people willing to use protection when we have sex, and who are interested in the same kinks as me.

Each partner should be chosen with care, because sex gets better the more you know someone. Make sure your partners are people that you can get to know, and that you want to get to know.

The book also covers a lot of information about poly relationships and how to make them work. I am often asked about this, and I have written several posts about it.

My favorite quote was about how a relationship with 3 people is way more complicated than a relationship with 2 people. After all, there is the relationship with A&B, the relationship with A&C, and the relationship with B&C. Plus the interaction is different with all three people together.


images

There is also a lot of good discussion in the book about boundaries, which are very important to negotiate and to respect. And also some helpful tips about managing jealousy.

I can’t say I agree with every single thing in the book, because kink and sluthood and the Poly lifestyle are different for every single person.

However, I would advocate that anyone who is new to the lifestyle read this book. I wish I had read it 10 years ago, because it would have been really helpful for me. Learning to manage all the feelings I had on my own was hard, and this book has very good discussions about that.

So if you haven’t read The Ethical Slut yet, definitely go out and buy it. It’s well worth the price, and it’s a great way to study the basics.

images (1)