Lifestyle Under Threat

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It’s been two decades since I got into the kink scene for the first time, and so much has changed. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you younglings about how things were back in the day.

In the 90’s, religious groups would advertise fake kink meetups so they could prey upon anyone who showed up. It was mostly Mormons, but Christians did it too. I grew up in Arizona, and there was a kink group called Arizona Power Exchange, or APEX. They advertised their meetups with fliers at popular counter-culture hangouts like The Graffiti Shop on Mill Avenue. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop Mormon prayer groups from putting out fliers for fake events, and then telling any “sinner” who showed up how they needed to be saved.

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This is how I came to understand that kinky people were discriminated against by society, and it’s also how I came to hate Mormons. I actually wish Hell was real so those fucks could burn in it.

However, it wasn’t just Mormons and other religious nut-balls who preyed upon us. There were a lot of physiologists who saw kink as a disease of the mind. They claimed that things like rape fantasies made you “sick” and “dangerous.” They tried to lure people into special counselling groups and get them on medication, while lying to them about how unusual they were.

The cat is out of the bag, thanks to the Internet. In a new book called Everybody Lies, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz explains that Google searches show us for who we really are, and most of us have rape fantasies and dream of violent sex. So kinky people were not persecuted for being different- as we had always been told. Rather, we were persecuted for doing something that everyone secretly wanted to do, because we were actually doing it.

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It’s ironic, because I remember fellow kinksters saying things like: “They’re just jealous; they wish they had sex like us!” Then we all laughed because it was a joke to us to imagine those bigots being in touch enough with their sexuality to negotiate a scene and play it out. And yet, it turns out it was true. They were always just jealous.

These days, BDSM is no longer in the DSM as a mental disorder. Psychologists and medical doctors are instructed to treat us normally. Sometimes, they actually do.

We got to enjoy the era of CollarMe.com and Fetlife.com and the rise of munches and fetish proms in every city. We got to enjoy kinky people simply going about our lives and being treated with only mild disdain, instead of being thrown in prison. And those younglings who came into the community during this time of openness and acceptance might not realize how dangerous it used to be to be kinky.

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However, our freedoms are under attack. Now that we are threatened, we need to remember what it was like before we were free to meet and be and who we were. We need to look back at our history, and remember that there are people in prison right now for things like having rape fantasies. (Yes, I know one. He was convicted back when kink was still seen as a disorder and we were still considered dangerous.)

They are taking down websites. They use the excuse that these websites “could be used for sex trafficking,” but we all know that is bullshit. My Facebook profile says I am a guy, and I get TONS of spam from hooker-bots on Facebook, so any website can be used for sex trafficking. If I can buy a hooker on Facebook, I can buy one anywhere (since Facebook is where all the old grannies hang out.)

In Congress, they just decided that it’s okay for states to ban gay couples from adopting. This is in spite of all the studies which prove that gay couples are often better parents than straight couples (since they don’t have their kids by accident.)

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If you are a youngling that never lived through a fake kink meetup put on by religious people who blocked the door to keep you from leaving and shouted hateful shit at you, then you might not see the writing on the wall. That is why I am telling you: Attacks on marginalized people like sex workers and gay couples are attacks on us. They are coming at us one subgroup at a time, and they are working hard to criminalize everything about who we are.

What we have built over the years is something I am so proud of. The kink community used to be full of exploitative Doms and abused women. And yet from that, we built a healthy community full of supportive networks of people. We built websites and clubs and spaces where kink could be safe. I am so proud of us and of all the things we have created for safe, sane, and consensual kinky sex.

Seeing the government begin to attack us again is terrifying. Having someone like Mike Pence in the White House is probably the scariest thing I can think of. I know everyone focuses on the buffoon in the spotlight, but he is deeply irrelevant. Pence is the one who is part of the Quiverfull Movement (a group of religious extremists whose ultimate goal is to force all women into the home and to force Christian values and straight vanilla sex on us all.) All the dangerous legislation against us is coming from Pence. And this is something we need to be talking about.

If you are kinky, then politics needs to matter to you. I know it’s easier to avoid it and to just not talk about it, but we can’t do that. We have to fight for the community that we have built, and fight against those who would take our freedom to fuck in fun ways away from us. You might think it can’t get that bad, but it was that bad twenty years ago. It can be again.

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Please vote. Please write to your elected representatives. Please talk to people about the community and how we are just normal folks like them (as opposed to terrifying criminal sinners.) Be open about who you are and how you follow laws. Remind people that CONSENT is our biggest rule.

And as an aside, I wrote a trilogy of books to humanize us. They are modeled after a vanilla romance novel (I read about 30 vanilla romance novels before writing them to get the formula right.) However, the main character is kinky. She starts out a little kinky, and then evolves into a polyamourous dominatrix. The point of the series is to teach vanilla people about consensual kink and how normal and non-threatening it is.

So, if you know a vanilla person who might need that lesson, please buy them The Jamie Johnson Trilogy. It’s not anything super-special to us kink folks (all the kink scenes are pretty tame and standard.) But that is because it’s intent is not to shock. Rather, it is to lull the vanilla folks into a sense of security because we’re just normal human beings who have a few whips and chains in our closet, and it’s not a big deal.

You probably don’t have time to write novels, but any form of activism you choose to do is equally valid. Just fight. Please. We all need to fight for our right to be kinky!

Then and Now

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I started out in the scene in the way-back-when days. The Internet wasn’t really a think yet, and so it was really hard to put out information about events.

Sure, those freaks that were into judging the prettiest goat could just put an add in the paper for their booth at the country fair, because that sort of behavior is okay with society. But not us. The Kink Community was hidden away down scary dark alleys and in disreputable clubs.

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I remember when I first heard someone mention kink at The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was fourteen. I was shocked that it was a thing that existed outside my head! Back then, all the periodicals were hidden behind counters and there was just know way to find these things out easily.

So I overheard the place they mentioned. It was called The Graffiti Shop. When I got there, I realized it wasn’t a kink club at all. It was a music and clothing store. But, it had a board where people could post fliers. Then I understood. The Kink Community in my city had no real way to communicate, so they would leave a stack of fliers for an event at The Graffiti Shop, and you would have to go get one and bring it with you to get in to the event.

The events would always be at really skivvy dive bars down really dark alleys, which was traumatizing. It took a lot of guts and a fair amount of stupid for a young girl to go through with making it into an event.

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I think the people were creepier back then. It might just be because I was a young girl then, but I feel like being pushed into the shadows can make people feel creepy. If society says there is something wrong with them, then they internalize that and act accordingly.

Of course, I could be reading too much into it. I guess I have been to some event even recently where there were a lot of “creepers,” (you know- those guys you do not want to get stuck talking to.)

Anyway I feel like there were legitimately creepier people back then, and not in a good way. It was all so clandestine and secretive, and I think that made it more dangerous. You would never report a rape at a club that was super-secret like that, right?

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So now we live in the future. I love the future! The Internet (for me) completely changed the Kink Community in the best ways possible! Now, you can go to events easily, and there are vanilla events like munches where you can just talk to kinky people without having to go through all the costuming and pageantry.

We have all kinds of resources. There are communities like the BDSM subreddit where you can ask questions and read about kink issues. There are websites for meeting people like Collar Space. There’s fetlife.com, which I think of as Facebook for kinksters. And there’s all sorts of kink porn that you don’t have to sneak behind a beaded curtain and have a very awkward interaction with a checkout guy for.

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The Internet let us come out of the shadows and into the light. It let us create a community, and have enough members in that community to support dungeons and play spaces and meetups.

I often muse at how great everything has gotten and how bad it really was before. And when I think about it, I can’t believe how glad I am that we live in the time that we do and have the resources that we have.

I will never be nostalgic for the past, and I will always look forward to the future.

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Flogging in Detail

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Recently I was asked for more detailed information about flogging than what was in my overview post. So, let’s go into more detail.

First, you must realize that there are several different lengths of floggers available. A good place to buy them is stockroom.com. You don’t want to go too short or too long as a beginner. I would suggest something around 18″ to 24″ tails at the start, because they are easiest to manage.

Also, since a beginner might not be able to help hitting less desirable spots to start, I would recommend suede over leather. Leather can cut skin, whereas suede produces a wonderful sound and feel, but is very unlikely to leave lasting damage. Also note, you do not want braided tails at first, nor do you want tipped tails. Again, these things are more painful for your submissive (which every pain slut will enjoy,) but are also more dangerous in untrained hands. So it’s best to start with a simple soft suede.

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(Note: Above is an example of tipped tails.)

Now, the motion is always described as a figure eight. What that means is that you will go up to make the top of the eight, and strike as you cross over to begin the lower part of the eight. This is the strongest part of the swing. The figure eight motion allows for more control, and it also allows you to build up more momentum so that the flogger will make those wonderful sounds.

It is very true that in porn (like on kink.com) they do not use a figure eight motion, but instead swing randomly. To that I would say: lesbian porn is full of made-up straight girls shoving 2 inch nails into another girl’s vagina, and that is not realistic either. If you don’t believe me, please see actual lesbians watching lesbian porn.

So again, use a figure eight motion in the air, because this helps to give you more control on where you strike on your submissive’s body. Remember: you do not want to strike the same spot over and over. No one likes the same spot touched, hit, or pet over and over. You must always vary where you spank, lick, bite, or hit.

Then, remember to hit the more fatty areas. There are lots of diagrams available online.

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And finally, do not start by just wailing away on your submissive. People need to be eased into pain a little at a time. It’s a lot like the penetration part of sex, where you should not just shove your dick in and start fucking like a jack rabbit (unless you have a tiny penis- then it’s probably okay.) But to be good at it, you want to build up to the intense part over time, right?

So with flogging, start out slowly, with lazy figure eights that hit lightly. Think of it as a caress, because the suede tails should feel like a lover’s caress when they touch the skin. As you go, build up the intensity and let the flogger move faster and faster. This will help you build up to striking harder and harder.

Remember to be careful not to let the flogger wrap around your submissive and snap the front of them, because the added force from that an cause broken skin even with a suede flogger. If you’re nervous, stick to the middle first. This is particular true as you start to hit harder.

As you get more experienced, there is a huge variety of types of floggers that you can check out. It really all depends on how far your submissive wants to go. After all, metal-tipped tails are not for everyone, but for some folks, they’re a favorite. Don’t forget to communicate!

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A Misunderstanding

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Recently someone who was fairly new to BDSM was chatting with me on fetlife.com. I mentioned that I was having some friends visit for Christmas-`a lesbian couple my husband and I knew in Korea.

He said it sounded like we’d be having some fun parties at my house at night- (implying that we were planning to have sex parties with our lesbian friends.)

The idea he was operating under was that everyone in the community just has sex with each other because he thinks that’s what kinky people do (in part I blame kink.com for this, with all of it’s orgy videos.)

 

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So let me explain something I think is very important to understand about the kink community: Because I am interested in bondage does NOT mean I will have sex with everyone else who is.

As far as I know, our house guests are monogamous. Lots of kinky couples are. That is not unusual and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, being kinky does not somehow transcend sexual orientation. To imply that my husband will be having fun with lesbians is to not understand what a lesbian is. They like women. My husband is a man. Being kinky doesn’t change the fact that lesbians are attracted to women, and men are not women.

I regret that I have to rant about this. I regret that some people do not understand these concepts.

But for the record, being kinky does not mean you immediately jump on anyone else who is kinky. Monogamous kinky people are still monogamous. Lesbian kinky people still only sleep with women. How we like to have sex does not transcend everything else that we are. That’s not how this works.

Sorry, but I just had to get that out.

Also, and Merry Christmas or Happy Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate, and Happy Western New Year or Lunar New Year or whatever you like.

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Doctor Xtreme

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I want to take a moment to write about a friend of mine who I am impressed and amazed with. I meet a lot of very cool people, and I love all the awesome things that I am able to experience because of that. Last spring, I was lucky enough to spend some time with a physicist.

The good doctor (he really has a PHD which is why I love to call him that) is going to revolutionize sex toys! Seriously people, physics + sex toys = really good ideas. He explains it better than me on his site, but the idea is that instead of one little weight spinning inside a machine, you have several. It creates a whole new and different experience, and it’s going to be really huge.

I hope those of you who throw events in various places will keep Doctor Xtreme in mind. He has a whole demo that’s got just enough science to be awesome but not so much that it ruins the sexy aspect. He’s a very cool guy and he’d be a great person to have at a Fetish Prom, or a play party to give a talk.

Also, he’s partnered up with kink.com, so you may see some of his stuff in future shoots there. And I should also mention that for fetish porn, kink.com is some of the best!

So check out Doctor Xtreme and remember, life is more fun with less pants and more science!

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A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

From the movie "The Craft," here's a 90's Goth girl, just like I was.

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex  yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting  when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!

So Your Significant Other Is Into BDSM…

One of the most common questions that seems to come up in online forums related to BDSM is:

“Well, I’ve never thought about it and I am not into it, but my SO is into BDSM and I love them, so…”

I am not an expert at anything. I’ve just been in the scene for a really long time. It doesn’t make me a relationship guru and only you know what is right for you. But here is what I have noticed:

First, I am pretty sure this whole kink thing is The Way We Are. I have been fantasizing about pain since I was 5 years old, so I am pretty certain it’s just a personality trait, and I don’t think it will go away because someone else is not interested. I’m sorry, but I can’t change my hair color either.

Just understand that kink isn’t something that I think people typically choose. Maybe some people do- if they’re just bored with sex. However, I’ve been to a lot of play parties where we all started talking about how we got to be kinky, and all of us remember fantasizing about kinky things as kids.

So just take that into account.

However, let’s be honest: The kink community can come with a lot on nonsense in terms of dating. You meet people on fetlife.com or collarme.com and they can be nice people- or they can be people with serious issues who act like their kink is the only acceptable kind and everyone else is sick. Sometimes we get tired of dating “in our scene.”

There are all sorts of ways a relationship can go when you meet someone in the community. For example  sometimes you meet someone that you only play scenes with and the dynamic is really good; and you don’t want to make it a relationship because it might alter the dynamic.

Also, as I mentioned before when I talked about how to hit on a girl- just because a guy is kinky- does not mean he has game. Some of the people you meet are awkward enough that it can turn you off to kink completely for awhile. I have met a lot of girls that felt that way.

Worse still- sometimes you’re stuck living somewhere that the scene is mostly dead. Imagine that there are only six other people that ever meet up and they are all in monogamous relationships, and it’s just you all alone with no one kinky to date. And even if one other person showed up, and if they were of your preferred gender, and if they had kinks similar to yours, you still might not like them as a person. Or, to put it another way, just because the only male a of species left on Earth meets the only female of a species left on Earth, does not mean they will fuck.

The point is- dating in the scene can be complicated. Maybe a person doesn’t always feel like they have that option. And so sometimes we date vanilla people- for whatever reason.

So then various forums end up flooded with vanilla people asking one of two questions. They either want to know about kink and maybe get into it, or they want to know if their SO can live without it.

If they want to know more about it, there are great books like S&M 101 by Jay Wisemen. There are people who do workshops like Midori. There are people who do how-to videos like Twisted Monk. And there is loads of places to read up online like the FAQ section of reddit’s BDSM community. Learning about kink is as simple as spending some time reading.

Note that I didn’t recommend watching porn. There is good stuff out there, like the stuff at kink.com. That’s worth paying for- and I don’t often say that about porn. However, the majority of porn that is labeled BDSM is actually just porn, but with vinyl clothes. That’s not really going to help anyone learn about kink.

Anyway there are lots of resources. If you want to learn, it’s easy.

The other question is harder. What most vanilla people dating someone into BDSM really seem to want to know is- can they live without it. I have met too many people who were dating someone who often pushed them to get freaky and they just didn’t want to. They had no interest in whips, chains, spankings, or even a little light bondage. And they wanted me to tell them that their SO didn’t need those things.

Like I said at the start of this post- I am pretty sure I was born this way. I don’t think there was ever an option for me. I think I have always been tweeked a bit- and I don’t think I can change it any more than I can change my hair colour. That’s just me. Maybe your significant other is different. Maybe they can be happy with vanilla sex forever. Talk to them about it. And if they say they are sure they can quit kink cold turkey and never ask you for anything out of the ordinary, then maybe that is the case.

Only you know how your relationship is doing and how your dynamic is. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can live without. I think more than anything else, what’s needed in such situations is soul searching. Because if your SO is into BDSM and you’re sure that you’re not- then sometimes the relationship is probably not going to work out. Sorry to end on a down note; but it had to be said.