First Dates


Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.



Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.




As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)


Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)



You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.


It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

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My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.


This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?


I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?


A Reminder



The woman above is expressing disgust. Let’s talk about why.

A friend of mine is looking to date, and I am very protective of her, so I want to write a reminder to the men out there who still don’t know how to talk to women, in spite of my repeating writing of helpful posts¬†on the subject.

She is a submissive woman. She gets pleasure from serving men in both sexual and nonsexual ways. (So cooking and cleaning and laundry in addition to blow jobs and holding still for a spanking.)

These type of women are hard to come by, and they are very valuable. If you have the opportunity to talk to one of them, you don’t want to screw it up by being an idiot. So here are some things you should not do:


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Do not approach a submissive woman as though you already have a D/S relationship with her. Remember that submission is a choice, and because these woman are rare, they have every right to be very selective. You need to talk to them like they are people, because even though some men don’t realize it, women actually are people.

Do not treat them like they are a slut. First, slut shaming is wrong. But beyond that, you have no idea how often she dates or how many guys she has been with. Kinky does not equal many partners. It can, but it is not a forgone conclusion. She might act like a whore for you, but that is not how you talk to her. It is not what she is. It’s part of a scene she plays.

Do not approach a woman in such a way that shows you are trying to assert your dominance. Only bad Doms have to try too hard by asserting their dominance in conversation. Good Doms carry themselves in such a way that they don’t need to say a word to be recognized for what they are, and if you try to assert your dominance you just seem like a noob and a prick. No one will want you, nor should they.

Do not approach a potential submissive in an overly aggressive way. Remember that men’s biggest fears when going on a date is that the girl will be fat. (Source: every reddit thread and men’s magazine on Earth.) Meanwhile women are afraid of being raped and murdered because that actually happens all the time. So while your biggest fear is 20 extra pounds, women go into dates fearing for their lives, and you need to respect that and treat them respectfully and kindly up front.


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So what should you do?

Well, start by asking them questions about what they are looking for, and telling them what you are looking for. This will help you to decide if you are compatible. Remember: You need to talk to them like they are a person. I can not stress this enough. Women are people, okay? So you need to treat them like people. Yes, they are going to have opinions. No, this is not bad. Even submissive women are not meant to be subjugated and denied thoughts and feelings. You earn the submission of a submissive women, you don’t just get it because you think you are a Dom (nor should you.)

Remember to listen to them and what they want. Take their ideas into consideration when planning a scene. Let them choose what toys they are comfortable with and what toys they are not ready for yet or may never want to try. And then, get this, listen to and respect what they say.


I have talked to a lot of men online. I do write a blog as a Dominatrix, and I have been in the kink community for nearly 20 years now. So that is why I need to emphasize these points so much, because I know first hand that there are a lot of men out there who don’t understand this. They are the creepy guys at munches, reeking of desperation and anger because they can’t get a sub and they don’t know why. They are the guys who take to the internet and harass women online because they are frustrated that they can’t get a woman in real life. They are the losers. And not only do women like my friend need to be protected from them, but they need to be told what they are doing wrong because all of us in the community are ashamed of these guys. They make us all look bad. Every scene has those one or two dudes that no one wants at the munch or play party because they suck. And those guys need to learn not to suck, for the sake of the community as a whole.

Don’t be the guy that makes women look disgusted and upset. Don’t be the weirdo.

However, if you can follow these few very simple rules, you will end up with the thing you want most, which is a submissive like my friend who will cook for you and devote herself to pleasing you. You may have to earn it, but it’s absolutely worth it when you do.