Period Sex

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To start: 50 Shades of Grey is a terrible series of books that portrays BDSM as abuse.

I am pretty upset about literally all the things that have been stirred up by these books/movies, and I have written about this before. No one should read those books, no one should watch the movies, and no one should judge my subculture based on those lies.

Kink is awesome.

But remember: 50 Shades of Grey is not kink.

It’s abuse.

If you want to get some handcuffs and try it, you should. But don’t act like all women should submit to physical and mental abuse, and like all men should be rich and buy you everything you want.

That’s just not the case.

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As much as 50 Shades is just horrible, the series did bring up a few things here and there that are worth talking about.

One of those things is period sex.

If you ask guys who have read the books what the most disgusting part is, most of them will skip right over the objectification of men as wallets with a penis, and skip right over the abuse of women that the series portrays.

Instead, they will say that the period sex is the most disgusting part.

I have two things that I really want to say about that.

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First: Women have to deal with periods. A lot of the time that really sucks. Periods come with bloating, pain, cramps, diarrhea, and embarrassment forced upon women by society. Science hasn’t really bothered to look into how to lessen the symptoms (since most scientists are men.)

Unless you have periods, you really can’t understand how horrible they are.

Society often shames women for having periods. You see it all over culture; where TV, movies, and magazines say it’s gross. Men on TV or movies often say they won’t have sex with a woman who is bleeding, and act as if the very idea is revolting.

Even the bible makes it out to be some shameful, dirty thing that is “unclean.”

Let me point out that it’s not pleasant to have a period, and it’s just adding insult to injury for people to act like the very act of being female and having a normal body that does normal things is somehow wrong and shameful.

I have had enough.

This is for all the men (and some women) who participate in the culture of associating periods and period sex with shame and disgust: Y’all need to grow up.

If your girlfriend/wife/lover is willing to have sex with you on her period (and she may not be because of the pain and diarrhea and stuff) then you should absolutely do it and not complain. Women put up with guys getting cum all over everything all month long. Many women think that cum is gross, but they don’t shame guys for cumming or tell them that they are foul and horrid for having normal biological functions.

Don’t act like a child about something that is normal, natural, and not a all shameful.

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Second, I am really tired of the whole “women are too emotional” thing.

Yes, sometimes estrogen surges can make women sad. That’s true.

However, testosterone makes men violent and irrational all month long.

Everyone has a right to have feelings, and to express those feelings. If you really care about the person that you are with, you will be willing to listen to them and help them through difficult emotions and situations.

So let’s try to act a little bit more rational and understand that equality is important. Don’t act like periods make women irrational, because they don’t. And definitely don’t act like periods are gross, because they are not. No one shames men for having biological functions. Let’s remember not to shame women, either.

The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

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Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

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I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

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Promoting Your Blog

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I have never actually promoted this blog.

I wouldn’t really know how to start, I guess. I have had a few guest posts over the years, and those have helped gather me a few loyal fans.

I have even done a few guest posts as well, because I am told that is an important thing to do in order to network in the blogging world.

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In addition, I have written about some popular places like Club Desire, and that has helped me gain a few followers as well. And there’s posts about awesome places like The Velvet Rope and the CSPC. That helps.

It’s been three years, and I still only get about 150 hits a day on the site. However, I consider that pretty good when I think about how I started out “screaming into the void” without a single follower.

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However, I do want to ask for advice. I don’t want to hire an SEO company or anything sketchy like that.

I am just curious how other people promote their blogs, or if you had any suggestions. I am hardly a professional blogger. I just do this in my free time. However, I know some of you that read are professional bloggers, and I thought you might have tips.

As always, you can get in touch with me via my email at ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

(Or you can leave a comment on this post, of course.)

Thanks for reading!

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Bad Relationship Advice

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I guess it turns out that I can’t give vanilla relationship advice. I see everyone as kinky/poly because it’s how I am. I am prejudiced.

My cousin was here and she was talking wistfully about how she loves falling in love, and about how she’s never been in a relationship as long as her current one. She sounded bored.

Naturally, my first thought was “Oh, you could open up the relationship!”

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I even gave her my copy of Opening Up, and told her about how my poly relationship with my husband works. I didn’t even think about it. It seemed like the right thing to do.

It wasn’t until after she left that I realized I made a mistake.

Telling a normal vanilla person with a relatively sheltered life to open their relationship is bad advice. I shouldn’t have done it.

So I guess this is just an admission of my own mistake, and a warning to the rest of us to try not to give vanilla people kin advice.

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Fantasies Can Be Just That

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I always remind people that it’s okay to want to act out sexual fantasies, but to remember that they don’t have to act out every fantasy they ever have.

Most women have a gang bang fantasy, for example. This is perfectly normal because we did evolve from moneys, and we still have the instincts to collect a variety of genetic material. (This is because competition is essential if we want the best of everything.) Anyway, this is a fine fantasy to have, but it can be a dangerous one to play out unless you know all the men, and you have STD tests from all of them. If not, you run the risk of getting sick.

Now, some people have different risk tolerances than others. It may be that I think something is a perfectly acceptable risk, but you think it’s reckless. When I rode a motorcycle, a lot of people chastised me for being reckless with my life. But, I thought the risk of death or serious injury was low, and so I chose to ride.

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But there are other things besides risk that may stop you. You may be in a monogamous relationship with a partner. Or, you may be in an open relationship with a partner, but they would be upset by your specific fantasy. (Example: A cuckold fantasy you have might not be okay with your partner. Maybe they are okay with you sleeping around, but not while they are there/have to think about it.)

And of course, you may be stopping yourself. Many people who have been raped have rape fantasies (because rape fantasies are really common anyway) but they can’t act on them because it would bring up unpleasant memories. Or, they may be too afraid to ask for those things from a partner who knows they have been through a trauma, because they worry that it will make it look as though they are over the trauma, or like it was never that bad.

I wrote a lot about tolerance when I was doing the Fetish Series. And, I thought about it a lot too. How often do we judge someone for their desires? How often do we make people feel bad for who they are? And I don’t believe for a moment that we can control our fantasies. I really do believe that they are involuntary and come from a part of our mind that is wild.

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And, if our fantasies are as impossible to control as our sexual orientation, then maybe we should be more careful about judging them. Why knows where ideas come from? Hasn’t every writer tried to define the origin of the muse and failed? So let’s not condemn each other for fantasies that we have, or be afraid to tell people.

While accepting that it’s okay to share fantasies and accepting that we shouldn’t judge them, let’s also realize that having a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes it’s just fun to dream. We as kinksters often get caught up in living all of our fantasies because we live some of the fantasies that society considers taboo. And that is awesome; I’m not saying that it’s not.

Still, let’s always be willing to admit that some things are just fun to dream about, and there are some things that we might never do. And that’s okay. Staying in your comfort zone is okay.

Safe, sane, and consensual!

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Reaching Out

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My husband and I are planning a trip to South Korea in October as a vacation. We are always interested in meeting new and interesting people, so if you are going to be in South Korea in the last two weeks of October, let me know and we’ll plan to meet up.

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When we travel, we always try to go to kink places in that area, so if anyone is aware of a fetish club in Korea, let us know. We have been to Club Desire, and to hook up clubs, but a dungeon would be lovely.

Also, we will try to attend at least one munch while we are there.

Obviously we are going for vacation, so we’ll be hiking in Seoraksan and visiting Jeju Loveland and such, but it’s important to us to try and work a little kink into every vacation. So if you have ideas, let us know!

(As always, if you are planning a trip to Guam, let us know!)

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Fetish Series: Body Fluids

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This is probably the fetish group most pointed to when people want to prove that the kink community is “sick” and that we’re all terrible.

I can not tell you how many times I have said I was into kink and people have said ignorant things like “Oh, that’s gross. I wouldn’t want someone to poop on me or whatever.”

They bring up that old to girls one cup video and talk about how twisted we all are, and I know that it would be an uphill battle to ever get them to consider anything open-minded.

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So look, there are very devoted fetishists in the areas of blood play, bukkake, drinking breast milk or lactation fetishes, golden showers, and even scat play. These are some of the most Googled fetishes, and are featured in whole worlds of specialized porn.

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If you don’t want to pretend to be a vampire and drink blood, then I am not going to judge you for that. However, I really think we need to stop judging people who do. Vampire culture has been around for hundreds of years, and people have been drinking blood as long as there have been people. If you don’t like it, okay. But don’t use blood play enthusiasts as an example of what is wrong with the world.

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Bukkake isn’t for everyone. Many women find men’s cum to be stringy and gross (I would argue that it depends of the guy.) I understand why some people are repulsed by this fetish. But again, some people think it’s sexy; particularly men who associate cum with orgasm and therefore feel that a girl playing with their cum somehow validates their orgasm. Don’t judge.

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Lactation fetishes and a love of breast milk and pregnant women is also one of those fetishes that people like to point to as if there is something wrong with it. I can’t think of anything more natural than breast milk, actually. For most of human history we all started out drinking it. If you don’t think it’s sexy, that’s fine. However I think it’s fair to say that lots of people find it sexy, and they don’t deserve to be marginalized just because you don’t understand why.

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As for golden showers and scat play, this is often part of a power dynamic. The submissive feels degraded and humiliated (common fetishes) by being forced to endure contact with the most forbidden of all things. The master feels powerful because they are humiliating and degraded their sub.

Again, your kink is not my kink and that is okay.

Let’s try to remember that fetishes related to body fluids are very popular, and often if you are talking about how gross you think it is, it’s likely that you are talking to (or near) someone who would disagree.

I know I like sweaty, wet, messy sex. I like it when I need a shower afterwards. I don’t necessarily want to be neat and prim about something that is a really primal act in my mind. So, you know, who am I to judge?

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