Lifestyle Under Threat

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It’s been two decades since I got into the kink scene for the first time, and so much has changed. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you younglings about how things were back in the day.

In the 90’s, religious groups would advertise fake kink meetups so they could prey upon anyone who showed up. It was mostly Mormons, but Christians did it too. I grew up in Arizona, and there was a kink group called Arizona Power Exchange, or APEX. They advertised their meetups with fliers at popular counter-culture hangouts like The Graffiti Shop on Mill Avenue. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop Mormon prayer groups from putting out fliers for fake events, and then telling any “sinner” who showed up how they needed to be saved.

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This is how I came to understand that kinky people were discriminated against by society, and it’s also how I came to hate Mormons. I actually wish Hell was real so those fucks could burn in it.

However, it wasn’t just Mormons and other religious nut-balls who preyed upon us. There were a lot of physiologists who saw kink as a disease of the mind. They claimed that things like rape fantasies made you “sick” and “dangerous.” They tried to lure people into special counselling groups and get them on medication, while lying to them about how unusual they were.

The cat is out of the bag, thanks to the Internet. In a new book called Everybody Lies, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz explains that Google searches show us for who we really are, and most of us have rape fantasies and dream of violent sex. So kinky people were not persecuted for being different- as we had always been told. Rather, we were persecuted for doing something that everyone secretly wanted to do, because we were actually doing it.

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It’s ironic, because I remember fellow kinksters saying things like: “They’re just jealous; they wish they had sex like us!” Then we all laughed because it was a joke to us to imagine those bigots being in touch enough with their sexuality to negotiate a scene and play it out. And yet, it turns out it was true. They were always just jealous.

These days, BDSM is no longer in the DSM as a mental disorder. Psychologists and medical doctors are instructed to treat us normally. Sometimes, they actually do.

We got to enjoy the era of CollarMe.com and Fetlife.com and the rise of munches and fetish proms in every city. We got to enjoy kinky people simply going about our lives and being treated with only mild disdain, instead of being thrown in prison. And those younglings who came into the community during this time of openness and acceptance might not realize how dangerous it used to be to be kinky.

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However, our freedoms are under attack. Now that we are threatened, we need to remember what it was like before we were free to meet and be and who we were. We need to look back at our history, and remember that there are people in prison right now for things like having rape fantasies. (Yes, I know one. He was convicted back when kink was still seen as a disorder and we were still considered dangerous.)

They are taking down websites. They use the excuse that these websites “could be used for sex trafficking,” but we all know that is bullshit. My Facebook profile says I am a guy, and I get TONS of spam from hooker-bots on Facebook, so any website can be used for sex trafficking. If I can buy a hooker on Facebook, I can buy one anywhere (since Facebook is where all the old grannies hang out.)

In Congress, they just decided that it’s okay for states to ban gay couples from adopting. This is in spite of all the studies which prove that gay couples are often better parents than straight couples (since they don’t have their kids by accident.)

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If you are a youngling that never lived through a fake kink meetup put on by religious people who blocked the door to keep you from leaving and shouted hateful shit at you, then you might not see the writing on the wall. That is why I am telling you: Attacks on marginalized people like sex workers and gay couples are attacks on us. They are coming at us one subgroup at a time, and they are working hard to criminalize everything about who we are.

What we have built over the years is something I am so proud of. The kink community used to be full of exploitative Doms and abused women. And yet from that, we built a healthy community full of supportive networks of people. We built websites and clubs and spaces where kink could be safe. I am so proud of us and of all the things we have created for safe, sane, and consensual kinky sex.

Seeing the government begin to attack us again is terrifying. Having someone like Mike Pence in the White House is probably the scariest thing I can think of. I know everyone focuses on the buffoon in the spotlight, but he is deeply irrelevant. Pence is the one who is part of the Quiverfull Movement (a group of religious extremists whose ultimate goal is to force all women into the home and to force Christian values and straight vanilla sex on us all.) All the dangerous legislation against us is coming from Pence. And this is something we need to be talking about.

If you are kinky, then politics needs to matter to you. I know it’s easier to avoid it and to just not talk about it, but we can’t do that. We have to fight for the community that we have built, and fight against those who would take our freedom to fuck in fun ways away from us. You might think it can’t get that bad, but it was that bad twenty years ago. It can be again.

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Please vote. Please write to your elected representatives. Please talk to people about the community and how we are just normal folks like them (as opposed to terrifying criminal sinners.) Be open about who you are and how you follow laws. Remind people that CONSENT is our biggest rule.

And as an aside, I wrote a trilogy of books to humanize us. They are modeled after a vanilla romance novel (I read about 30 vanilla romance novels before writing them to get the formula right.) However, the main character is kinky. She starts out a little kinky, and then evolves into a polyamourous dominatrix. The point of the series is to teach vanilla people about consensual kink and how normal and non-threatening it is.

So, if you know a vanilla person who might need that lesson, please buy them The Jamie Johnson Trilogy. It’s not anything super-special to us kink folks (all the kink scenes are pretty tame and standard.) But that is because it’s intent is not to shock. Rather, it is to lull the vanilla folks into a sense of security because we’re just normal human beings who have a few whips and chains in our closet, and it’s not a big deal.

You probably don’t have time to write novels, but any form of activism you choose to do is equally valid. Just fight. Please. We all need to fight for our right to be kinky!

Valentine’s Nightmare

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Every year Valentine’s Day looms; that pain-in-the-ass day where you feel obligated to honor all of your intimate relationships. Yuck.

Personally, I am much more interested in buying gifts for people when the mood strikes me (if I see something they would like.) And yet, if you don’t get a gift for your significant others on Valentine’s Day then you are an asshole. Also, it has to be a gift they would like; not something that you want (Example: Do not get your girlfriend lingerie and then ask her to wear for you unless she asked for it.)

If you are monogamous, then you really only have to worry about one person, so that is a relief. In this way, you can stress about Valentine’s Day like a vanilla person, with only the concerns of what to get and where to go. It’s still uncomfortable pressure on what might otherwise be a comfortable relationship. But at least you only have the one person to concern yourself with.

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If you are Poly, then you either put a lot of thought into planning something special for everyone you are dating, …or you are me.

Normally I am pretty good at this stuff. I have been poly for a long time, and I know that I need to make sure that everyone feels valued on important days. But sometimes (like right now) I am a little overwhelmed and it all falls apart.

The story goes like this: I just got back from Australia and I am still recovering from the trip. I won’t bore you with the details, but I am not as young as I used to be and I have medical issues that make traveling hard. So, I needed to catch up on doctor’s appointments and sleep.

I bought my husband a card and some chocolates and I thought “that should be fine.” After all, the rest of my relationships are long-distance right now, so what are the odds they will want to exchange gifts? I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I was lying to myself, but it felt so good to choose the option that didn’t involve getting out of bed, so I did…

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Then a very sweet card arrived from one of my guys in the US, with a gift card inside.

Fuck.

So of course, I panicked like the basket-case that I am at the moment.

I jumped on Amazon.com and send him a gift that is probably over-the-top because I feel guilty. Then I grabbed my address book and picked out a book for the other guy I am in a relationship with as well (just in case he got me something.)

Then, sitting by myself on my floor having just spent $100 on amazon, I wondered if I am also expected to call.

Probably.

On the day, or the weekend before?

I have no idea.

Le Sigh.

And this is just the distress of a person who is casually dating people who she is geographically separated from. When we all lived in the same place, it was much more complicated. Who gets Valentine’s Day night? My primary? Or since they get me all the time, is that not fair? What if my primary says they don’t care about Valentine’s Day and so I make other plans, but then they realize last minute that they do care?

This is different for poly people who don’t have separate relationships. Sometimes a couple dates another person as a unicorn and they can all spend Valentine’s Day together. Sometimes two people are dating two other people and each other, and they can just double-date. There are lots of situations that can work out to be less complicated, depending.

Mine just isn’t currently one of them.

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Anyway, you can tell I hate Valentine’s Day. It is, and always has been, my least favorite holiday. It’s full of pressure to have the perfect dinner, the perfect scene, and the perfect sex. Not to mention the pressure on Poly folks to decide who you see on the day, and who gets a day that isn’t really Valentine’s Day but you can pretend.

You can say that I am just contrary, (since if you know me, you know I also hate Christmas.) But I would argue that I have very good reasons to dislike the holidays that I dislike, and that I make up for it by loving Halloween five or six times more than normal.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good Valentine’s Day. Spend it with people you love and don’t let the societal pressures and expectations bum you out!

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Where You Live Matters

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I live in Guam right now.

It is a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, and you have to zoom in a long way to see it on Google maps.

The island of Guam only has around 170,000 people on it, and many of them are military (so often only available for short amounts of time.)

This makes kink difficult for two reasons:

1. Kinky people are always a percentage of the population, so the lower the population, the lower the number of kinky people.

2. Tiny communities mean that everyone knows everyone, so events are difficult and terrifying for locals because no one wants to run into their aunt or brother at a munch.

This means that living on Guam has been kind of a bummer for us.

My husband and I are the sort of people who feed off the energy of other people. In the absence of our community (for munches and fetish proms and dungeon time), it is hard to feel kinky. Sometimes we start to feel like two normal married people, and it’s like huge parts of ourselves have gone numb.

I don’t want to disparage Guam. It’s beautiful. I have been able to make friends with sea turtles and enjoy empty beaches and quiet time (since we’re not overrun by tourists like most tropical islands are.)

I have no right to complain about living in such a beautiful place. I am able to enjoy coral, fish, and reefs filled with beauty and warm water that stretch on for miles. If you want to go on a vacation, Guam is  great place to do it.

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However, as a kinky person, I do feel very much like I lost myself.

I have loved being in dungeons and at kink events since I was 14. I have loved the clothes, the people, and the play. It was all such a big part of my life for so long and it always felt good.

I remember thinking that it didn’t matter where we got sent after I was in Oregon, because one thing I learned teaching in South Korea is that there are kinky people everywhere. I never thought I would have to be without my community.

And then we came to Guam, and I realized that it’s too small for events and the few munches were spoiled by this one creepy guy, and this girl who was insufferable.

Note: Please don’t think I am being unfair. I don’t judge people lightly. I am a tolerant person and I mostly love everyone, but there are things that go too far. I will go into detail so that you can see what kind of behavior turns people off:

Creepy Guy: Refused to listen when others asked him to stop describing the complications he experienced during anal training right down to the color of his runny poop. Also hit on every single male and female that he encountered regardless of their orientation, relationship status, or interest. And, constantly talked about how desperate he was to be dominated by anyone.

Insufferable Girl: Cut everyone off no matter who was talking or what they were saying so she could talk about herself. Had nothing interesting to say about herself. Insisted constantly that she was beautiful and the best sub ever and needed to be bought cars and minks and shoes because of how wonderful she was. Literally interrupted everyone at the munch to go on and on about how wonderful she was and how we should all buy her things.

There are almost always a few bad apples at a public munch, so that in and of itself shouldn’t mean much, but the problem is that outside of those two, there were only six of us (three couples.) And we three do get together, of course. But it’s not the same as a community with events.

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We found out recently that we are moving to Oahu, and I admit, it’s not ideal. It’s another island and so there will be no road trips to the next state over for some fabulous event.

On the other hand:

1. There are nearly a million people there, so there are bound to be more kinky folks on Oahu than there are on Guam.

2. It’s less remote so it’s much easier to get flights from there to other places.

So, I feel like this is a step closer to having a community again. I can’t tell you how much that matters to me! The last three and a half years on Guam have definitely proven to me that I need my community.

I know that some people (who have access to a community of kinky people) will say “You’re better off without the drama.” And yes, I know there is always going to be nonsense when there is a group of people.

In Korea, I actually had a nemesis that I had no idea about until after I left. I guess I had planned an event in Seoul on the same weekend that she had planned one in Daegu (a city to the south.) Now, I did check the Seoul pages to see if there were any other events before picking a date, since I didn’t want to step on any toes. But it never occurred to me to check every obscure city in the country for events before planning my own.

This girl felt personally slighted because no one came to her event and she blamed me.

The rest of the time I was in Korea, though I had no idea, she was furious every single time I threw a play party, munch, or fetish prom.

In fact, she even came to one of my events once and (instead of confronting me about her feelings) was an enormous bitch to everyone. I think her name was Cat or something. I have no idea. But what I do know is, she hated me for years. And when I left, she threw a party to celebrate it.

So TRUST ME, I get that there is drama. I get that more people = more problems.

The universe has not given me the gift of being ignorant of how difficult a community can sometimes be. (Although in the case of Daegu girl I actually was ignorant since no one told me about it until after I left Korea.)

The point is, I know communities can be a hassle.

And yet, it means the world to me to have access to one.

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The thing is, community is so important. You look out there at society and all you see are normal relationships mirrored in every aspect of culture. They are all monogamous vanilla people just going about their lives being dull and boring.

For people like us, there is no model. I am bisexual. My husband is hetero-flexible. Neither of us are the slightest bit into gender at all. We’re kinky. And, we’re polyamorous.

People like us are not represented in the media, in culture, or in others that we meet. There are no goofy sitcom episodes about how a couple goes through a kink slump after living together for a while because comfort and BDSM do not always mix easily. There is no relationship guru radio show to call in to and talk about making space for kink in your life. There are not movies about poly couples happily chatting about their dates when they get home at night.

We are not reflected in what you see in advertising, media, entertainment, or your office Christmas party.

Without community, we are totally alone.

When we feel lost or need advice, there is no one to go grab tea with. I would give anything to have a fellow Dom to just get beers with from time to time and talk about shit. But this is Guam, and we are one of the most remote islands on Earth.

I have struggled with my isolation every day that I have lived on Guam, and I am so excited for it to be over.

So wish me luck on Oahu. I hope I meet amazing people there. But more than that, I hope you all appreciate your communities wherever you are, because it’s awful to be without one. Friends who are like you matters so much more than I can express.

Getting Someone Into Kink

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Question: How do I get my significant other into kink?

I got a lot of questions over the holiday season from readers that went something like this:

“I got my wife a bunch of kink toys for Christmas. How do I get her to use them with me? She’s not into kink, but I want her to be.”

After sighing deeply and feeling extremely sorry for those women, I wrote back to say the following:

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First, put the sex toys in the closet and go buy your wife something she actually wanted. It is the height of assholery to buy someone else a present that is actually for you. If you think that is okay, then you are a bad person and you should not be allowed to date until you figure out how to be less selfish.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, how do you get someone to be interested in kink?

Well, you need to stop talking in terms of your own wants, and start talking in terms of the other person’s wants.

Remember that changing the behavior of another person means that you have to appeal to them. Trying to force someone to do something because you want it only leads to resentment down the road (which is how you ruin your relationship in slow motion.)

So, ask your partner what they want. Then listen. Then build on it.

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Unfortunately this advice has been misunderstood by others. I thought it was pretty straightforward, but it turns out that I was wrong. So let me be very explicit this time:

Take your partner to dinner. Take them home and have considerate and loving sex with them. Make sure they have an orgasm. (Which, as I have said before, does not happen from just penetration so use your tongue or a vibrator on her clit for that to happen.)

After sex when you are laying in the dark basking in the glow of happy feelings that you get after sex, ask them about their fantasies. Probe them gently about what they think about when they are alone. Do they think any toys sound interesting? Are they curious about the stuff from that book that all women read that was a shitty representation of BDSM but which did involve some spanking and whipping?  Have they ever wondered about what other things you two might be able to do?

No matter what they ask for: Say YES!

This is so important. If your significant other asks you to fist them, or have a threesome with a guy, or anything at all, you say yes and you do it. Never ever tell them “no” about their sexual fantasies or they will not share more. Say “yes,” and then do whatever they asked you to do.

The reason for this is that sex is a rabbit hole. Once you start to experiment, it just keeps going. If your partner tries something they dreamed of and it makes them happy, then they will feel like fantasies really can come true. This will lead to other fantasies. In time, the experimentation will lead to more and more “hard core” things, and soon you will be able to take those toys you bought out of the closet and she will be excited to try them.

Now, I wrote back saying this to the men who asked me. You would think they would say: “Thank you for the advice.” However, you would be wrong. To a man, they told me that I was wrong, and that their wife/partner was perfectly happy with the boring sex they always have. One guy actually said to me:

“My wife was a virgin when we met and she is totally satisfied right now with the sex that we are having. She always has been. It’s just me that is bored.”

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All I can say is:

You are lying to yourself, but that doesn’t mean I like it when you lie to me.

Your wife is bored. She is bored out of her goddamn mind. I know this because studies have shown that women get bored with sex far quicker than men do. In one study, men were asked if they still enjoyed having sex with their wives. They mostly said that they never got tired of fucking their wives, and even though they might have fantasized about variety from time to time, it did not mean that they didn’t want to keep fucking their wives.

Actually it comes up again and again. In studies of why men cheat, they always say that it is not because they stopped loving their wife, or that they stopped wanting to have sex with her. They simply wanted variety. However, they still wanted to fuck their wives.

The same is not true for women. Women get bored very easily. This may be down to biology. It has been suggested that all women want to be gang-banged by as many men as possible so that the best sperm can win and create the best offspring. Or, it may simply be down to men being bad at sex (not knowing how to get a woman off and joking about the “myth of the female orgasm.”)

Many women do say that they didn’t know how to tell their husband that they were stick of him pounding away and then going “Did you cum?” After all, of course they didn’t! That is not how women get off. Some of the poor dears don’t even know how they get off, and they think an orgasm is just “feeling nice” so they imagine that they have had one. I have talked to these women and tried to explain that, “No sweety, you are supposed to have a climax just like your husband. It’s not a ‘good feeling’ at all. It’s an orgasm. It’s an amazing feeling.”

Whatever the case, women initiate nearly 70% of all divorces now, and leading psychologists theorize that this is due to a lack of sexual satisfaction which makes them feel like they have “fallen out of love” with their husbands. In many cases, they really haven’t fallen out of love; they are just sick of having bad sex. Many women who initiate divorces say “My vibrator actually gets me off, and it doesn’t expect me to do its laundry.

I would suggest that men are in denial. They watch porn and have a false idea of how women achieve orgasm, and this is the main reason (in my experience) that women initiate most divorces.

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The point: No, your wife is not “perfectly satisfied.” It takes a lot more to satisfy a woman than it does to satisfy a man (which is why I got lazy and married a man.) Your wife will never be perfectly satisfied, which is why you need to constantly work to keep things interesting if you want to keep her.

I have been extremely interested over the last 30 years or so as I watched the entire discussion around marriage shift. It used to be something that women wanted, and men didn’t. Now there is new research showing that, due to the societal expectations placed on women in marriage, it is no longer desirable to them. They are expected to work full-time jobs, and still do most of the housework and childcare. They are expected to give up their identity by taking their husband’s name, and also give that name to any children they have (even though they literally make those children inside their own bodies.)

Women have started reading about how other cultures do not force women to take their husband’s names, and cultures where children belong to the women without question, since she makes them. They are reading about sperm cells made from their own bone marrow, meaning that men are no longer necessary to have children at all. And, they are realizing that boyfriends bring over flowers and chocolate, while husbands snore and make a mess.

This is probably why women who are married are less healthy, and why they report lower levels of happiness than their single counterparts.

Meanwhile, married man lived longer and reported higher levels of happiness.

I was so shocked by the guy who said that his wife was “perfectly satisfied” and I actually still haven’t written back. I was just so blown away by the level of denial that he was in, and by the absolute lack of understanding of his place in a changing society.

Side Note: When I married my husband he was pretty boring in bed, too. Don’t take it from me, because he will admit it as well. I painstakingly trained him over the course of about a year. And now, when I whore him out to my friends, they don’t have enough nice things to say. It’s wonderful when people appreciate your hard work, isn’t it? So ladies, please train men instead of throwing them away after faking an orgasm. If we all work together, we CAN teach them how to stop sucking in bed.  

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So listen up, men:

Statistically speaking, your wife likely dreams of being fucked by man after man in an endless succession. She probably dreams about each of them going down on her and licking the cum of the previous man away while stimulating her clit until she comes again and again (because we can have multiple orgasms.)

She probably thinks she is falling out of love with you every time she starts to get bored in bed because you are just sticking your cock in, pumping until you get off, and then falling asleep. And, according to statistics, it is more likely that she will end up leaving you than that you will ever leave her.

Your wife probably has more fantasies than you do about a wider variety of things, and she probably read 50 Shades of Grey and wanted someone to spank her, whip her, and eat her out like it was their job even while she was on her period.

Please stop acting like your wife could not possibly be bored.

AND, you are a shitbag if you get her sex toys that you want for Christmas. Buy her some damn jewelry and give her the sex toys only when she brings them up. And stop writing to me and saying stuff that makes me absolutely shocked at how shitty most men are.

Side note: My husband, on the other hand, would prefer that you keep writing to me saying shitty things that prove how clueless most men can be. He knows that as long as you keep making all other men look like complete jackoffs, I will keep being grateful to have him. 

 

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If you Google “Boyfriend” the first thing that comes up is a happy couple where the women looks like she is in love.

 

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If you Google “husband” you get a women trying to talk to a man and him looking annoyed. This is because we all know that many women get unhappy in marriages.

 

They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Halloween

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I could go around all year round dressed like a Dominatrix; but I don’t.

This is because of one experience when I was young, which led me to move through the muggle world in plain clothes and change on location every day after it.

I was driving home from a night at the dungeon, and I was in a short skirt, fishnets, a corset, and very tall boots. I got pulled over by a cop who was presumably very bored, since I was doing less than five miles over the posted speed limit.

His attitude was okay when he first walked up, but once he had a good look at my outfit he became a total dick. He claimed a car matching my car’s description was reported stolen and that he was going to impound my vehicle. He told me to get out and start walking. This was at 3am on the side of a freeway. The nearest off ramp was more than a mile.

I did protest, but he just kept yelling at me. So eventually, I gave up and walked to a payphone (this was in the days before cell phones were a thing.) It took me more than an hour and I had blisters all over my feet. I am very lucky that I wasn’t snatched off the road and raped or killed. (And yes, I later filed a complaint, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t have faced the prejudice in the first place if I didn’t look like a Dominatrix when I was puled over.)

The point is: 364 days a year people look at me like a freak unless I go around in plain clothes. But on one special, magical day of the year, I can go out of the house dressed as ME.

Happy Halloween!!!

Orientation Series: Kink vs Vanilla

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A lot of people think of orientations as binary. Of course, this is a myth. Everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum. In the case of kink, this means that people who are kinky are mostly not always kinky all the time.

I actually had a hilarious conversation with a vanilla friend of mine about this the other day. She asked how we could be kinky when it seemed like so much work to always have to get out toys and handcuffs and stuff.

There are two issues that I have with that:

1. Kink does not require accouterments. In other words, you can use whips and chains, but kink is about the power dynamic between two people. As long as there is a power dynamic in place, then you are having kinky sex. A lot of kink is in your mind.

2. It’s true that I am kinky. However, that doesn’t mean that all the sex I ever have is kinky. Sometimes I just want to fuck. Is that how it is for everyone? No! Every relationship is different. Every person is different. But for me, I enjoy vanilla sex and kinky sex. I am not one or the other, I am both.

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As far as orientation goes, there are a lot of different things that fall under the umbrella of “kink.” If you ask five people what “kink” means, you will get five different answers.

For example: I asked my vanilla friend Kevin what he thinks of when he thinks of kink. He said he thinks of “those freaks who dress up like animals and have sex.”

That is called a Furry Fetish, and while vanilla people might find it “kinky” to their own minds, not all Furries identify as kinky. In fact, Furries identify as animals, and mostly have vanilla sex (in animals costumes.)

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What I mean by vanilla sex is: There is no power dynamic.

I think the reason that you can ask five different people what “kink” is and get five different answers is because a lot of people who are not in the community think of “kinky” as things you do. You see these typical vanilla people sitting around debating if anal sex is “kinky” or not, and you just have to laugh. In fact, my vanilla friend Kevin even said once that his girlfriend Kat was “kinky” for being enthusiastic about sex.

So look: Individual sex acts are in the eye of the beholder.

A cisgender straight couple might think that anal sex is really wild. However, a gay couple will laugh this off because it is normal to them. A transgender straight couple might also think that fisting is “kinky.” A lesbian couple would very likely disagree. So what is “normal” to one person is not normal to another.

Kink is something else. It is the mindset of being in control or being submissive in a sexual situation. Let me give you a scenario and we’ll talk about it:

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Scene: A man meets a woman on a website called Back Page. He agrees to pay her to have sex with him. They meet in a hotel room and have sex.

There is a group of people who will shout and yell about how this is exploitation of one, the other, or both parties. There are people who think it should be illegal. There are people who will assume that the girl is trafficked and people who will be furious at the thought of this scene taking places.

However, I would argue that you have to look at what each of them is thinking before you make any value judgments.

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Example Female Perspective: Like most sex workers, Natalie picks her clients carefully based on what she is looking for. She has a kink for being exploited like a nasty little whore. It really turns her on. She picked this guy off Back Page out of hundreds of offers. She is pleased that she gets to fulfill her kink and make money at the same time.

Natalie’s husband thinks this is really hot. He has a cuckhold fantasy, so he gets really turned on by the idea of someone else fucking his wife. Sometime Natalie secretly records her Johns having sex with her so that she can watch it together with her husband. He loves seeing her in compromising positions with other guys, but his favorites are the really ugly guys because it turns him on to imagine her hesitating and having to force herself to submit to them.

For Natalie, the forced submission is a big part of the attraction. She is so involved in what the actions mean that she almost doesn’t feel them as they are happening. For her, it is just really hot to kneel before some John who is a stranger to her and who she isn’t attracted to. It is a fight with herself to become a better and more obedient submissive; one worthy of the title. If she can give herself willingly to someone because she was told to, it exemplifies her discipline and poise as a perfect sub.

Summary:  I want you to realize that these are real fetishes, and I know real sex workers who do it because it is their kink. The sex they have with their Johns is 100% vanilla, but it is kinky to them because they are fulfilling their fantasies of exploitation. So, even though their Johns just want a blowjob and then to fuck them in the missionary position, it is still kinky sex, because it is kinky in the minds of the women doing it.

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Example Male Perspective: Dan feels out of control. His life is not going the way he wants. So, he goes to Back Page and finds himself a good-looking escort and plans to meet with her to have sex. He doesn’t care that it costs $2,000, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like his wife at home (who he loves to fuck.)

The problem is that, with his wife, he has to think of her needs and be respectful of her. She doesn’t have to do what he wants with no reciprocation. He thinks of her as a person. But right now he doesn’t want a person, he wants an object to do his bidding and make him feel in control of something again.

For Dan, it is not about the sex. It is about being the architect of the situation and having complete authority over what happens. He is not turned on by the body of the escort that he has purchased for the night (although she is hot.) Rather, he is turned on by the fact that she has to do whatever he says. If he tells her to bark like a dog, she will. He doesn’t want her to bark like a dog. But, he gets off on the fact that this woman is in his control and that he is exploiting her for sex on his terms.

Dan fucks her roughly and cums on her face. This is something that he would never do to his wife. He respects her too much! That is why he is in a hotel room with some strange girl instead of with his wife.

Then he thanks Natalie and goes home feeling more in control of the world and more confident about himself. He has fulfilled his fantasy of being in control of a perfectly submissive woman, and that was all he really wanted out of the experience.

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You see, the sex itself was not kinky. But it was kinky in the minds of both Dan and Natalie. Both of them were satisfying their fetishes, and in their minds it was kinky.

When you look at kink this way, as a mindset, you can see that everyone is a little bit kinky.

Anyone could look at the average fetish list and find a few things that they are interested in.  (If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it.) However, most people only have one or two kinks. As long as they occasionally satisfy these kinks, they feel fulfilled.

Personally, I am of the more depraved variety. Most of my porn came to me on a flash drive because that kind of stuff is not available online. I like dungeons and orgies and all the toys. I am not just a little kinky, I am excited about all the kinks! The harder the better, you know?

However, I just want you to realize that everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum between kink and vanilla. It is not a binary state. And no one should be judgmental about where you fall on the spectrum.

I know I give vanilla people a hard time sometimes, but I am just playing. Like I said, sometimes I just want to fuck, too. We all have those days.

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