Scene Negotiation

Note: This is a handout I wrote for a presentation I did at the New Culture Camp. It is about kink, and it is aimed at vanilla people. I have had a few requests for something like this in the last few days, so I thought I might re-post the handout to help you beautiful people out!

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Usually I do workshops in Scene Negotiation for kinky people. This is because it’s really important to talk carefully through scenes before you play them out if you are planning to do something involving kink. However, this same idea can be very helpful for vanilla folks as well. Healthy communication is a positive addition to any lifestyle.

So first, why do we find it so hard to talk about sex? Not all of us came from oppressive households where the topic was taboo. Some of us came from open households where our parents discussed the topic with us, right? And yet, everyone struggles at first to communicate their needs to their partner.

There is a lot going on there of course, and we could do an entire workshop on the topic of sexual repression in society. Suffice to say, even when it is a topic that you feel safe discussing at home, you are often shamed for bringing it up in public. It’s completely okay to discuss your back injury at work, but not your struggle with impotence (even though they are both medical problems). It’s fine to talk about being in a community play, but not okay to talk about wanting to roll play being kidnapped by aliens with your partner (even though both are practicing acting skills).

It is this line that we as a society have drawn which has taught us that sex is private. You shouldn’t talk about it. You should keep it to yourself. You should be embarrassed.

I am not saying that I advocate talking to your co-workers about sexual fantasies. Obviously that would make for a really strange environment that not everyone would be comfortable with. I’m not sure if changing the world is required. However, since we all grew up in the world, we do need to learn to change ourselves so that we can lower that taboo against talking about sex when we are with our partners. It may be uncomfortable at first, but like everything else, practice makes perfect!

Let’s start by realizing an important truth: No one can read our minds. That means that no one can know what we want until we tell them. Oftentimes we run into the problem of desperately wanting our partner to do or say something that would make us happy, but they don’t know because they can’t read our minds. And sometimes, we can feel resentful that they don’t do the things we want, even though we haven’t told them what they are. This is understandable, but it is also unfair. That’s why it’s important in a healthy relationship to learn to understand your own needs, and then to learn to communicate them to the person you are with.

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Figuring Out What You Want

The first step is to figure out what matters to you. This is a big step, because we are all individuals and so we all have different ideas about what is important. In order to effectively communicate with others, you must first look inside yourself and determine where your limits are. That way, you will be able to let other people know. There are several key things that you should determine for yourself when it comes to sex.

Let’s go through a list.

1. Do you wish to be monogamous?

This is a question that requires a lot of thought. If you want to be able to have sex with other people, then you also have to be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people. That can be difficult for some people, and so if you think you are curious about polyamory, it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner and make sure you are not looking for an excuse to “cheat,” but instead have a legitimate interest in both of you perusing loving relationships outside your own.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* How would I feel if my partner went out on a date and I was at home alone?

* How would I feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?

* How would I feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved me from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?

* What rules would be have in place to ensure good communication ?

Note: It is okay if you decide to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean that you are not open-minded and interested in sex. Just make sure that you are making a conscious choice to be monogamous or polyamorous. Don’t let yourself be pushed or coerced into anything that you are not comfortable with.

2. What is your comfort level when it comes to STDs?

Some of you may have grown up before this was a big concern, so let me start by telling you that HIV is a big deal, more aggressive strains of Herpes are going around, and there is also an untreatable strain of Chlamydia that has developed. This means the days of just taking a pill if you get something are over, and STDs are a real concern.

Personally, I prefer to exchange STD tests with potential partners prior to having sex with them. This is not a guarantee of safety since some things can take time to show up on a test. However, it is an added layer of safety that helps me to feel more comfortable with new partners.

Now, this is not always possible for me. My partner and I occasionally attend orgies. In those situations, I have to realize that I am taking a risk, and that there may be terrible consequences. We have decided in our relationship that we are okay with occasionally taking this risk if we are attending a sex party together, and we do try to minimize our risk by using condoms. It is still dangerous because many STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact. However, we don’t engage in orgies very often, and we feel that an occasional risk is acceptable for the same reason that we are willing to drive cars and fly in airplanes. Sometimes risk is required in order to have fun, and each person must decide for themselves what they consider to be acceptable risks.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* Have I considered all the possible consequences?

* Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?

* Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?

3. What kind of sex do I want to have?

Some people are very uncomfortable with oral sex. I have found that comfortable levels actually vary widely about a lot of things. In the kink community, we like to talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” So for example, you might be completely uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, but only a little uncomfortable with oral sex. Hard limits are the things that you will communicate to your partner as unbreakable. You refuse to consider doing those things, and you do not want to be asked or have them try to coerce you into them. Soft limits are the things that you may be okay with sometimes, such as a blowjob on Valentine’s Day.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* What you are hard limits?

* What are your soft limits?

* What are things you are unsure about?

4. What are your fantasies?

Most people have things that they fantasize about, but that they have never done before. Or, perhaps they have tried them before with an ex, but don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. Fantasies are a healthy part of life, and there is nothing wrong with trying new things that you and your partner may enjoy.

However, please remember that sometimes you have a fantasy, but it might not be a good idea to actually do it. An example might be a gang bang. Maybe the fantasy excites you, but in reality you would be sore and unhappy, and your partner would be hurt. So be honest with yourself about which fantasies you actually want to play out, and which ones are just for fun. You do not have to act on every idea that goes through your head.

Questions to ask yourself:

*Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?

*Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?

*What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?

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Summary

So, now that you have asked yourself some really important questions, you have a better idea of what you want and what you are comfortable with. Great! Knowing yourself is important and some people go their whole lives without ever looking inside themselves and exploring their dreams and desires. You are already ahead of the pack!

Remember that there are always different things that each person needs to consider, so take some time to reflect/meditate/thought diagram or whatever you do to make sure that you haven’t missed anything. For example, I excluded the complication of children and pregnancy because it isn’t relevant to me. My son is grown, and I am no longer able to have children. In addition, my husband has had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about him getting any of his girlfriend’s pregnant. Therefore, this isn’t a concern in my universe. But your universe may be different. So make sure you haven’t missed anything before you move on to the next step, which is to communicate your desires.

Speaking of, here is a little bit about communication:

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Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.

Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them.

And now there is only one thing left to say: Have Fun!

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Period Sex

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To start: 50 Shades of Grey is a terrible series of books that portrays BDSM as abuse.

I am pretty upset about literally all the things that have been stirred up by these books/movies, and I have written about this before. No one should read those books, no one should watch the movies, and no one should judge my subculture based on those lies.

Kink is awesome.

But remember: 50 Shades of Grey is not kink.

It’s abuse.

If you want to get some handcuffs and try it, you should. But don’t act like all women should submit to physical and mental abuse, and like all men should be rich and buy you everything you want.

That’s just not the case.

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As much as 50 Shades is just horrible, the series did bring up a few things here and there that are worth talking about.

One of those things is period sex.

If you ask guys who have read the books what the most disgusting part is, most of them will skip right over the objectification of men as wallets with a penis, and skip right over the abuse of women that the series portrays.

Instead, they will say that the period sex is the most disgusting part.

I have two things that I really want to say about that.

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First: Women have to deal with periods. A lot of the time that really sucks. Periods come with bloating, pain, cramps, diarrhea, and embarrassment forced upon women by society. Science hasn’t really bothered to look into how to lessen the symptoms (since most scientists are men.)

Unless you have periods, you really can’t understand how horrible they are.

Society often shames women for having periods. You see it all over culture; where TV, movies, and magazines say it’s gross. Men on TV or movies often say they won’t have sex with a woman who is bleeding, and act as if the very idea is revolting.

Even the bible makes it out to be some shameful, dirty thing that is “unclean.”

Let me point out that it’s not pleasant to have a period, and it’s just adding insult to injury for people to act like the very act of being female and having a normal body that does normal things is somehow wrong and shameful.

I have had enough.

This is for all the men (and some women) who participate in the culture of associating periods and period sex with shame and disgust: Y’all need to grow up.

If your girlfriend/wife/lover is willing to have sex with you on her period (and she may not be because of the pain and diarrhea and stuff) then you should absolutely do it and not complain. Women put up with guys getting cum all over everything all month long. Many women think that cum is gross, but they don’t shame guys for cumming or tell them that they are foul and horrid for having normal biological functions.

Don’t act like a child about something that is normal, natural, and not a all shameful.

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Second, I am really tired of the whole “women are too emotional” thing.

Yes, sometimes estrogen surges can make women sad. That’s true.

However, testosterone makes men violent and irrational all month long.

Everyone has a right to have feelings, and to express those feelings. If you really care about the person that you are with, you will be willing to listen to them and help them through difficult emotions and situations.

So let’s try to act a little bit more rational and understand that equality is important. Don’t act like periods make women irrational, because they don’t. And definitely don’t act like periods are gross, because they are not. No one shames men for having biological functions. Let’s remember not to shame women, either.

The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

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Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

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I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

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Promoting Your Blog

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I have never actually promoted this blog.

I wouldn’t really know how to start, I guess. I have had a few guest posts over the years, and those have helped gather me a few loyal fans.

I have even done a few guest posts as well, because I am told that is an important thing to do in order to network in the blogging world.

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In addition, I have written about some popular places like Club Desire, and that has helped me gain a few followers as well. And there’s posts about awesome places like The Velvet Rope and the CSPC. That helps.

It’s been three years, and I still only get about 150 hits a day on the site. However, I consider that pretty good when I think about how I started out “screaming into the void” without a single follower.

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However, I do want to ask for advice. I don’t want to hire an SEO company or anything sketchy like that.

I am just curious how other people promote their blogs, or if you had any suggestions. I am hardly a professional blogger. I just do this in my free time. However, I know some of you that read are professional bloggers, and I thought you might have tips.

As always, you can get in touch with me via my email at ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

(Or you can leave a comment on this post, of course.)

Thanks for reading!

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Bad Relationship Advice

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I guess it turns out that I can’t give vanilla relationship advice. I see everyone as kinky/poly because it’s how I am. I am prejudiced.

My cousin was here and she was talking wistfully about how she loves falling in love, and about how she’s never been in a relationship as long as her current one. She sounded bored.

Naturally, my first thought was “Oh, you could open up the relationship!”

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I even gave her my copy of Opening Up, and told her about how my poly relationship with my husband works. I didn’t even think about it. It seemed like the right thing to do.

It wasn’t until after she left that I realized I made a mistake.

Telling a normal vanilla person with a relatively sheltered life to open their relationship is bad advice. I shouldn’t have done it.

So I guess this is just an admission of my own mistake, and a warning to the rest of us to try not to give vanilla people kin advice.

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Fantasies Can Be Just That

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I always remind people that it’s okay to want to act out sexual fantasies, but to remember that they don’t have to act out every fantasy they ever have.

Most women have a gang bang fantasy, for example. This is perfectly normal because we did evolve from moneys, and we still have the instincts to collect a variety of genetic material. (This is because competition is essential if we want the best of everything.) Anyway, this is a fine fantasy to have, but it can be a dangerous one to play out unless you know all the men, and you have STD tests from all of them. If not, you run the risk of getting sick.

Now, some people have different risk tolerances than others. It may be that I think something is a perfectly acceptable risk, but you think it’s reckless. When I rode a motorcycle, a lot of people chastised me for being reckless with my life. But, I thought the risk of death or serious injury was low, and so I chose to ride.

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But there are other things besides risk that may stop you. You may be in a monogamous relationship with a partner. Or, you may be in an open relationship with a partner, but they would be upset by your specific fantasy. (Example: A cuckold fantasy you have might not be okay with your partner. Maybe they are okay with you sleeping around, but not while they are there/have to think about it.)

And of course, you may be stopping yourself. Many people who have been raped have rape fantasies (because rape fantasies are really common anyway) but they can’t act on them because it would bring up unpleasant memories. Or, they may be too afraid to ask for those things from a partner who knows they have been through a trauma, because they worry that it will make it look as though they are over the trauma, or like it was never that bad.

I wrote a lot about tolerance when I was doing the Fetish Series. And, I thought about it a lot too. How often do we judge someone for their desires? How often do we make people feel bad for who they are? And I don’t believe for a moment that we can control our fantasies. I really do believe that they are involuntary and come from a part of our mind that is wild.

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And, if our fantasies are as impossible to control as our sexual orientation, then maybe we should be more careful about judging them. Why knows where ideas come from? Hasn’t every writer tried to define the origin of the muse and failed? So let’s not condemn each other for fantasies that we have, or be afraid to tell people.

While accepting that it’s okay to share fantasies and accepting that we shouldn’t judge them, let’s also realize that having a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes it’s just fun to dream. We as kinksters often get caught up in living all of our fantasies because we live some of the fantasies that society considers taboo. And that is awesome; I’m not saying that it’s not.

Still, let’s always be willing to admit that some things are just fun to dream about, and there are some things that we might never do. And that’s okay. Staying in your comfort zone is okay.

Safe, sane, and consensual!

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Reaching Out

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My husband and I are planning a trip to South Korea in October as a vacation. We are always interested in meeting new and interesting people, so if you are going to be in South Korea in the last two weeks of October, let me know and we’ll plan to meet up.

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When we travel, we always try to go to kink places in that area, so if anyone is aware of a fetish club in Korea, let us know. We have been to Club Desire, and to hook up clubs, but a dungeon would be lovely.

Also, we will try to attend at least one munch while we are there.

Obviously we are going for vacation, so we’ll be hiking in Seoraksan and visiting Jeju Loveland and such, but it’s important to us to try and work a little kink into every vacation. So if you have ideas, let us know!

(As always, if you are planning a trip to Guam, let us know!)

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