Polyamory Series: Poly & Kinky

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This post is part of an ongoing series of posts on Polyamory, for those who have questions about us. You may want to read the Introduction first to get an idea of what this is all about.

Today, I want to focus on how BDSM is related to the poly lifestyle.

First, let’s look at a generic situation, and then we can look more at specifics.

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In this example you have a straight wife who is submissive. Her husband is a straight male who is dominant.

I tend to think of Poly as an orientation so even if these two matched up perfectly and didn’t need anything from anyone else, I would still argue that they may want to date other people because that is just how they are. I firmly believe that people who are straight and only submissive or only dominant can still have fun and rewarding experiences outside of their primary relationships.

In fact, some people argue that kink can be completely different (and sometimes more fun) with people that they don’t feel as strong of an attachment to. So in the couple above, the man might love his wife too much to feel comfortable really objectifying her. However, that might be her biggest kink. So if she wanted it, she would have to look outside the relationship.

It seems like there is a higher instance of poly people in the kink community, and this may be why.

just about me

Above is me.

I am going to use myself as an example now. It is sort of uncomfortable to do that, but it is easier than trying to make up an example so here goes:

When people ask “what I am” at a munch, there is a lot for me to process. I am a lot of things, and I think all of those things are important and make up who I am. So here are my many orientations.

I am:

1. Poly-amorous, and monogamy has not ever gone well for me.

2. A switch in terms of kink, though I lean more towards Dominance.

3. Pansexual, meaning that I am open to all genders/sexes.

4. About 60% female because of my body and the behaviors that my body dictates, but about 40% male because of how I think and feel. 

I am married to a man who is a switch, but our interactions with each other never switch. I am always a Dom for him, though I can switch or be submissive with other people.

My husband is a switch, but is always submissive with me. He can switch with other people, but our dynamic would make it uncomfortable for him to switch with me.

So polyamory is actually necessary for us to fully express who we are as kinky people. Our kink is part of who we are, and our orientation as poly-amorous people allows us to get everything we need, instead of settling for only one part of the larger whole.

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Of course, this can all get extremely complicated. I once dated two other bisexual switches and none of us ever knew what we wanted, or from whom! But then, that is part of the fun. I know it looks hard from the outside, but you get used to it when it is who you are.

Discretion

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Discretion has never been something I had to worry about too much. I am from a big city, and I have mostly lived in big cities. I have become accustomed to being anonymous, and I have always appreciated that.

Several years ago when I moved to South Korea, things got a little complicated. The foreign community and kink community were smaller, and so there was more cause for caution. I had to adapt to that idea, and to learn not to use my real name.

But nothing could have prepared me for the discretion required on a tiny island.

I typically work as a teacher. You can well imagine how being outed as kinky would go. I can see the headline now: “TEACHER FIRED IN DISGRACE AFTER BDSM FETISH DISCOVERED.”

I don’t suppose they couldn’t charge me with anything legally, but I imagine they would try. No one wants their small children taught by “one of those freaks.” (Won’t it be nice when the discrimination against BDSM is finally over?)

 

Claustrophobia2

 

So the island of Guam is really small. It has about 170,000 people, which is far less people than in any of the cities I have lived. Already, it seems like everyone knows everyone. I have been recognized twice on the street by people I met casually in a different social setting.

This begs the question; what to do when you have to keep who you are quiet? The thing I did first was to simply accept the isolation I felt, and to try to work through it. People here are afraid to meet. They don’t have munches. They want to spend a long time talking online first, to make sure it’s safe. Okay. These are things I accept about living on a tiny community.

Then logistics. Obviously I can’t just go meeting people in highly public areas. After all, I am married and my husband would rather people NOT find out we’re poly or kinky. (Same reason as me- job to worry about.)

But who wants to meet a complete stranger alone at their house? So a nice out-of-the-way restaurant that is busy enough for someone to hear you scream, but slow enough that I may not be recognized. Fine.

It’s only been a month, but my patience is starting to wear thin. I see why people in small towns have such a struggle being kinky.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to date much while here. I’m thankful I have my husband, because without him I’d be all alone.

claustrophobia-2

How to hit on a girl

It’s great if you want to get whipped. It’s just not a good pick-up line.

 

As requested by a reader, here is something I’ve been mulling over for awhile. This is how to hit on a kinky girl…

On my fetlife profile, I get a lot of people who message me to say things like “I’ve been a very naughty boy and I need to be punished.” Or “I want you to tie me up and fuck me, Mistress.”

This is not from people I know or even from people who are my friends. This is just from random people who happened to see my profile and decide to introduce themselves in this way. Every time, I can not help but wonder if they are serious. Do these guys actually sit at home in front of their computer and think that those are good pick-up lines? Do they actually think I will stop in my tracks and say “My, I certainly am busy, but I’d better drop what I am doing and go spank this stranger.” In what universe does that sound realistic or sane?

I also know from talking to people that many girls who list themselves as submissive have the problem of men sending messages like “What’s up slut? I want to tie you up and shove my balls in your face.”

Both groups of people often send cock pictures along with their graceless pick up lines. I’ll be honest, that last bit is something I happen to appreciate. I really prefer about 7 inches, and it’s pretty disappointing when you spend all this time getting to know a guy, only to find out he has a tiny penis that’s not big enough to reach your G-spot. And yes, I am also disappointed when they are too big. There are guys out there with cocks that are huge, and those are hard on my various internal organs if I choose to put them inside me. The sending of a cock picture helps me to avoid accidentally wasting time on a guy I’ll just be disappointed with later. It’s still not a good way to start a conversation. It’s still rude. It’ll still turn most girls off. I’m just saying that I personally happen to find them a handy tool.

Oh- but I am pretty baffled when a guy sends me a cock picture and it’s tiny and hangs to the right or something. If that’s what you have to open with… well… sorry for you.
My point is, this is not the way to hit on girls.

If you want to get a girl’s attention, you need to do the same thing you would on the street. You need to start a conversation. Not about your balls or how you want to cum on her face. Kinky does not equal porn star or slut. You need to start a normal conversation. Read her profile. Does it say she’s into books? Do you like books too? Okay great! Say “Hey, I noticed you like books. I like books too. What is your favorite book?”

I know his seems like a radical idea, but in order to get a girl to pay attention to you, it’s important that you talk to her like a girl and not a hooker.

A submissive might enjoy being called a whore during sex. She might enjoy objectification and degradation. However, in my experience, the people who enjoy that stuff in the bedroom are twice as likely as a normal girl to demand respect outside the bedroom. As a general rule, you should just treat everyone with respect and pay attention to what they say.

Yes, a point will come when you will need to discuss what a potential partner is into. Perhaps at that time, it would be okay to say you would like to be spanked. However, you should be patient and wait until you know one another.

Oh, and one last thought, I understand if you don’t want to show your face in a profile picture. Maybe you’re a lawyer or in the military or a teacher. Maybe you don’t want to end up in the news. Fair enough. If you don’t want people to see your face, you could still have pictures of you turned away from the camera, or something that gives a general idea of what you look like. Just please don’t do a naked picture as your profile. Lots of guys do the neck-down nude as a profile picture their first time on fetlife. This is a big turn-off for most girls, even if you look really good naked. So please, keep your clothes on in your main profile picture.

Memories

This week I stayed home and hung out with Mr. Knight. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go hunt down the boys, since the sex just isn’t exciting to me. The problem with spending too much time in the kink community is, it ruins you for vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong- now and again I have had some vanilla sex that was pretty good and made me happy. It does happen. However, for the most part, it’s not as exciting as it should be.

I am a Switch, though I tend to be a Domme. What that means is, I tend to take charge of a situation, but in rare cases, I can submit to people that I deem worthy. So this week while I was watching Sherlock Holmes and drinking with Mr. Knight, I let my mind wander back to better sex and wonder about how to find someone new to play with so that I can sate the monster inside.

My favorite play partner in a long time, I shall call Mr. Bond. His job was in Military Intelligence, and we’ll leave it at that. It’s just that a spy named seemed appropriate since he really did join hoping to be James Bond. (Not that it worked out that way or anything, but you know; the thought was there.)

Mr. Bond was only twenty one when I met him, but brilliant. He solved puzzles incredibly quickly and managed to also have a good social IQ, which I find to be a very impressive combination of skills. More importantly, he had the quality I need in a Dom. He was the kind of person who focused completely on his partner while having sex. He was selfless, considerate, and able to pick up on the slightest change in breathing or movement of a limb- then extrapolate the meaning behind it. In other words, he could read my mind.

Oh course, one does not need to read my mind. I speak. I am very vocal about what I want in bed and everywhere else. However, the ability to read a lover’s mind is still really important in BDSM. What if they are tied up and gagged? You need to still be able to evaluate their responses so you can make sure they aren’t having a bad experience. I can do this, and I only submit to others who can do it too.

I can not tell you how much fun Mr. Bond was. He learned Shibari just because I asked him to. And, because he’s a genius at puzzles, he learned a bunch of knots in a single week. He came over one weekend and I mentioned that I’d like him to check it out to tie me up with. The following weekend he brought several lengths of silk rope over and showed me all the cool knots he’d learned. I guess he practiced by tying himself and things in his barracks up. I have never been more impressed with anyone in a BDSM sense than I was with Mr. Bond just then.

Because I grew up on the streets, I am often accused of being somewhat heartless and cold. I grew a tough exterior out of self-defense, but it has remained in place and it serves me well as a Domme. I tend to control a situation out of instinct, because in the past, things left to chance went very badly for me. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not, but it’s very hard for me to drop the shell and be anything but a strong, powerful woman. To do it, I must be very impressed by the person I am with. That is a rare thing, and Mr. Bond is one of only two people I have ever submitted to. He was impressive enough that I found it very easy to fall at his feet.

Sadly, Mr. Bond left recently. Such is the nature of the military. They do not stick around long. Since then I have been trying to hunt up fun play partners, but even though I am looking through fetlife, I can’t seem to find anyone very kinky. Well, I guess Mr. Nice Guy is kinky… but I just can’t bring myself to beat him. And Mr. Uptight is on fetlife, but I can’t figure out why since he doesn’t seem kinky at all. I’ve tried to talk about it with him (and write extensive e-mails about it since he doesn’t seem okay with talking in person) but thus far, I can’t really get much out of him. Some people are so hard to talk to!

I will write a post some time about talking to your kinky partner. Scene negotiation is super-hard sometimes, because people are often embarrassed or have trouble talking about what they want. Getting them to talk is the key to having fun, so I have several methods I use to try to force people to communicate. I’ll devote a whole post to it soon.

For now, I guess I’ll just chill out and patiently wait until the Physicist gets here, because he sounds interesting.

So Fetlife.com is a thing

I feel the need to acknowledge that there is a kinky version of Facebook called Fetlife, and that many kink people meet up there. I did not include the web site on my reading list because of the scandalous stuff going on right now in the Fetlife community. I’m not going to speak on the subject, but I do feel the need to mention it, so consider it mentioned.

That left a bad taste in my mouth, so now for a nice picture of some sexy women:

Yay for naked lady statues at Love Land on the island of Jeju.