So You Want To Find A Domme

This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on Fetlife.com to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.

Example

Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

I am sleeping.”
I am eating.”
I am at work.”
I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.

 

Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.

 

Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.

 

Note:

As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.

Example:

I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

Guest Post by Nell Gwyn

prostitute_2564193b

(Note: This post is written by a sex worker whom I admire. Obviously it is not representative of all people in the industry. But it is a beautiful insight into a world often kept in the shadows. I hope you enjoy it. Without further ado, here is Nell.)

Nell Gwyn here, legendary whore and magical unicorn. My friend Violet asked me to write a post for her blog, and I thought it might be good to go over some of the basic questions people ask me when they find out how I earn a living. I see one of my primary roles as a sex worker rights’ activist as an educator and demystifier. The stigma surrounding sex work is a huge problem both in the US, where I operate, and worldwide. It promotes violence against us, contributes to the criminalization of our work, and causes very really repercussions in our families and communities. I figure that if I can help just a few more people understand what it really means to do consensual sex work, perhaps I can help to break down some of these walls between we sex workers and you muggles.

Before I begin with the FAQ, it is important to note that I am just one sex worker out there in a vast sea of many. I can only tell you about my own experience. I have known many other sex workers with life experiences similar to mine, but I would never assume I speak for them. This is also not an exhaustive list of every question I end up getting asked; it’s more a list of basics and then some of the more annoying questions and explanations as to why they’re bad.

 It is important to remember as you read this that someone you know has probably done a form of sex work at one time or another in their life, or may even be a current sex worker. We often don’t disclose that information to everyone we know. If a person is female and/ or (gender) queer, the chances that they have done sex work begin to go up. Sex workers are probably literally your friends and family, and you may not even know it.

sex-workers-rights

 

Q: Wait, what’s a sex worker?

A: The term “sex work” was coined in the late 70’s by self-described prostitute and activist Carol Leigh. It is actually an umbrella term used to refer to all forms of sexual labor, including but not limited to full service (actual sex, usually penetrative), stripping/ exotic dancing, erotic/ sensual massage, pro domination/ submission/ switching, sugar babying (with sex), adult film performers, adult photography modeling, web camming, phone sex, and hands-on education or therapy, sometimes called surrogacy or sexual surrogacy.

If you are curious what type of sex work I do, I have done many of these, both in the past and currently. I make the bulk of my income as a full service provider and sugar baby. I also do adult film performance, live performance, modeling, pro switching, and, arguably, sex therapy and surrogacy.

Q: Why do y’all use an umbrella term to describe yourselves? Why not just say you’re a prostitute?

A: Many of us often do identify with other terms for sex work amongst our friends and in safe spaces. However, there are a couple of problems with many of the terms used to described sex work.

The first is that the more illegal and/ or stigmatized the work you do is, the more unsafe it is to use the individual terms in unfamiliar situations or spaces. This is especially true for full service sex workers, but can also be true no matter what sort of sex work you do. Anything that can be construed to be similar to prostitution is a seedy and scary place to find oneself amongst the wrong company. And using the P word in reference to yourself can, in theory, get you arrested. Or bring trouble your way at the very least.

 The second reason is because many of the only words used to describe our work have also been used to stigmatize our work in modern history. Words like whore, prostitute, stripper, dominatrix, gold-digger, etc. are hardly ever used kindly or with nearly the reverence we feel they deserve. Calling all of them sex work draws attention the fact that it is work. It is, in fact, difficult yet often rewarding emotional labor. It also calls to attention the fact that many of us do many different sorts of sex work, and can’t always identify as just one.

 And on that note, how a whore like me self-identifies does not give you permission to call me anything other than a sex worker or, under the right circumstances, a full service provider. I am the lenient sort who let my friends and those I trust use those words to describe me, but for the love of God please at least check in with a sex worker before your start using pejorative terms to describe them or their work.

images (1)

 

Q: How do you advertise? How do full service sex workers find clients?

A: There are as many different hustles for clients out there as there are full service providers; each one of us usually has our own unique approach that works for us. In some ways it is not safe to talk about the ways in which this all goes down; teaching others how to practice full service or teaching clients how to hire us is also criminalized, and can be conflated with pimping and pandering, both felony charges in the US.

 But, to give you a basic overview, most indoor full service sex work gets negotiated over the Internet these days. There are sites where you can advertise and you can handle potential clients through email. You can build your own website and optimize it for google searches. You can have a social media presence. You can do background checks on your clients and check national blacklists for their names. Those who work on their own are called independent providers, and some independent providers who are doing well hire assistants to do this administrative work for them. Others work for agencies who do their advertising and security for them in exchange for a cut. There are some brothels, and some independent sex workers who work together and share space cooperatively.

 Outdoor sex work is still also done, but from what I can tell is much more rare since the advent of the Internet. Since I do not do this sort of work, I cannot speak to how it goes down. But I will say that the sensationalized trope of a scantily clad woman approaching a man in a car and asking him if he’s looking for a good time is not always accurate. Outdoor and street workers deserve just as much respect and societal protections as indoor workers- or workers in legal areas of sex work- do.

 Q: Isn’t it dangerous? What about STDs, rape, abuse, murder, drugs, fear, fear and more fear?

A: Yes, it can be risky. So is driving your car to work every day. So are jobs in healthcare, construction, logging, mining, professional driving, warehouse labor, home maintenance, you name it. Being a person of color, LGBTQ, disabled or even just being a woman is dangerous no matter what sort of work you do. You could argue that choosing to be a sex worker on top of being born into less privilege is adding insult to injury, but that argument starts to fall apart when you consider how much those groups of people tend to be discriminated against when searching for “real” work. It is a risk that many choose to take when faced with other options such as poverty or inability to obtain upward mobility.

 Many sex workers do take measures to insure their safety, to the best of their ability. We screen clients, we give references to each other, we maintain a national blacklist here in the US. We use condoms and other barriers and get tested frequently. We do have strategies. Not included in our strategies is reporting to the police when we are attacked, because the police either don’t take us seriously or arrest us. This, right here, is the crux of what makes sex work dangerous. And it doesn’t have to be. If stigma and criminalization could be eliminated, we could take further measures to insure our safety.

images (2)

Q: Aren’t you afraid no one will ever love you again? – Or- Isn’t your partner jealous?

A: Ha! I’m really glad you asked this, as I’m the perfect person to bust that myth all to shit.

 Many sex workers do have problems finding love, and it’s all your fault. If this sort of question even occurs to you at all, consider what it might be like to love a sex worker for just one second. We tend to be extremely compassionate, loving and giving individuals. We also know a few things about sex, though some of us may be sexually exhausted from using those skills in our work. I’m not always one of those people; for me it usually depends on the day and the amount of effort I have expended at work.

 I was very lucky to enter into the industry as a non-monogamous individual with numerous romantic partners and a very supportive community. For the most part I tend to fraternize with people who understand that their jealousy is their problem, and not mine. This doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to discuss problems when they come up, or adjust my behavior in order to help a partner feel more comfortable with our relationship. It just means I have a low tolerance for possessiveness or ownership, or other forms of relational entitlement.

 For me personally, non-monogamy has worked very well for my career and personal relationship choices. Many sex workers are non-monogamous like me, and others are monogamous with one partner outside of their work. Others are waiting to leave the industry to find a partner(s). I do think it’s important to point out, though, that we are definitely capable of feeling love without financial incentive. Assuming we are not is another layer of damaging rhetoric that is used against us.

 

Q: If there was one thing you wish you could tell the rest of the world about sex work, what would it be?

A: In case you haven’t gathered this from the way I answered these other questions, I think the most important thing to remember about sex workers is that we’re just normal, average people. Yes, there may be ways in which we conduct our lives that make us seem extraordinary to an outsider. But we’re not an alien super-breed of sexed up babes out to steal your husbands. Nor are we your worst nightmare of a life gone terribly wrong. We’re not victims for your tragedy porn and we’re not evil succubi set on eroding your morality.

 We’re just people and we deserve a little respect.