They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Sex Tips

I don't care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

I don’t care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

A good friend of mine is going through a bad break up, and he thinks he’ll never find another girl that likes him again. This and a few other things have got me thinking, and it has come to my attention that a few of the nerdy folks out there need some basic tips. I should clarify that I don’t know everything, and all I can do is offer suggestions. With that in mind, this one is for the geeks.

First, size matters. I don’t care what any woman has told you when she was trying to be nice. It matters. So what can you do if you have a small penis? Don’t loose hope! There are options. They do make strap-ons which allow you to do double penetration. So you can fuck your girl in the ass, while also using a strap-on in her vagina. You can also use dildos by themselves, if she doesn’t like anal play.

You should know though, as one of my favorite books called Bonk by Mary Roach points out, that penetration alone will not get most women off. You may have a had a girl tell you that she got off while you were having sex, because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Guys can be very sensitive, and girls can react to that with a little well-intentioned dishonesty.

Why is this? Well, girls get off from stimulation of the clitoris. The placement varies from woman to woman, but often it is not close enough to the vagina to get stimulation from penetration. This means you need to play with a girl’s clit. Some girls use vibrators, and because of this, the exposed portion of the clit is not that sensitive any more. This means two things: One, you can be a little more rough with it when you lick her. And two: she might have trouble getting off without a vibrator, so you may want to use one on her. The most popular would be the magic wand, but there are many options. I have often mentioned that my first Doctor Xtreme makes some pretty neat toys, so you might want to check those out.

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

Now for me personally and for other girls I know, vibration doesn’t work. What this means is that for me, I have a very sensitive clitoris and I need people to be very careful with it. Yes, I am into BDSM. Yes, I do like pain. But the tiny exposed portion of the clit has more nerve endings in it than an entire penis, and I do not want anyone to be rough with it. In my experience, most women, (myself included) like a soft but fast up and down motion with the tongue. No fingers unless they are wet, because dry fingers chafe like a motherfucker.

Now, some of the geeky and awkward guys I know tell me that they are unattractive. They say women won’t even talk to them. First, you need to have confidence. Know that you can please them, and that you can make them happy. My tattoo artist and I dated for over a year, in spite of his broken teeth, weight problem, and general lack of classically attractive characteristics. And it’s not just me! He dated lots of beautiful girls, including several very smart and attractive strippers. He was able to do this because he was confident, and he could make them happy. Foot rubs, back massages, and a gift for oral sex made him one of my favorite boyfriends of all time. I always got off at least once with him, and I usually got all the knots worked out of my back and my feet too. Never underestimate the power you have over a girl if you can please her.

What if you’re new to kink? Well that’s okay too. It’s not that hard, and I’ve written posts on scene negotiation, setting up a scene, and ideas for play. There are also a host of helpful online forums.

Basically remember that some girls are kinky and like pain. They want to be beat hard. Some girls are kinky and don’t like pain, so go for more sensual flogging and restraints. There are lots of checklists available online to help you find out what kind of kink your partner is into.

The main thing is; remember that you don’t have to look like a guy off the cover of a romance novel and have a huge cock to make a girl happy. All you have to do is figure out how to make her scream. If you can do that, you can find yourself someone who will be thrilled to have you around.

Don’t sell yourself short and don’t assume no one is interested. Some people, (myself included) are into odd things. I have a fetish for scientists and engineers myself.

D&D game in "Freaks and Geeks"

D&D game in “Freaks and Geeks”