Orientation Series: Poly vs Mono

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So far, we have talked about Kink Orientation and Gender Orientation. These are things that occur on a spectrum, where there are rarely absolutes.

In my experience, being polyamorous or monogamous is also an orientation. And, like other orientations, it is on a spectrum.

You might say: How can that be? You either sleep around or you don’t, right? However as always, the world is full of all kinds of nuance.

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Example One: Katie is only interested in sleeping with her boyfriend. She doesn’t like to date, and she doesn’t want to have sex very often. This is not a reflection on who she is with. She just has a low libido. However, she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she is not insecure, so she doesn’t mind that he sometimes sleeps with other girls. He always tells her about it, and he never brings them home. This makes it easy for Katie to feel comfortable with dating a polyamorous person even though she is monogamous. She is monogamous but open.

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Example Two: Sidra really loves her husband. He is her favorite person and she cannot ever imagine her life without him. She doesn’t want anyone else to be in their home, and she doesn’t want anyone else raising their daughter. She is happy with everything about their life. However, she loves the feelings of falling in love. She loves the feeling of people finding her attractive. She has a high libido and really wants to have sex with the attractive men who flirt with her. Her husband only has eyes for her, and he is fiercely in love with her, though his sex drive is low. Thankfully, he understands that she has needs. He may not want to sleep around, but he doesn’t mind of she does. She is respectful and never brings the men home where her family might have to meet them, and at her husband’s request she doesn’t talk about what she does. They refer to it as her going on a “mini-vacation.”

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Example Three: Jack is bisexual. He is married to Jill, whom he adores. However, she is a girl, and he is bisexual. Thankfully, Jill is bisexual as well. She understands that sometimes Jack needs to be with a man. After all, sometimes she needs to be with a girl. Jack and Jill both occasionally date. They only date same-sex partners, though. It would hurt Jill’s feelings if Jack slept with another woman. And, it would hurt Jack’s feelings if Jill slept with another man. They know that some bisexual people are monogamous and choose a partner of one sex or the other and just settle down and be happy. Neither of them are able to do that, but that is okay because they are consenting adults who are happy with their non-traditional arrangement. They tell each other about their experiences with same-sex partners, and they both actually think it’s a really big turn on.

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Example Four: I am pansexual, which means that I like to have all kind of sex. Threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, kink, whatever. I have sex with men, women, transsexuals, and virgins who have no idea what they are yet. My husband is also pansexual and doesn’t really seem to care what experience he is having as long as it is new. We have lots of sex with each other. But, we also have sex with lots of other people. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. We tell each other about it, because we both enjoy imagining each other with other people (or watching each other with other people.) Last summer he had sex with my friend, who is very straight and not interested in a girl seeing her naked. I was disappointed that she didn’t want me to be involved, but I didn’t want to deny him the experience. So, they had sex a couple nights in a row, and I hung out online. Sure, I was a little jealous. But we both have moments when we are jealous, and we recognize and manage our jealousy because we don’t want to deny each other new and exciting experiences.

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These are just a few examples of different ways in which people can be varying degrees of polyamorous or monogamous. Just remember that the key is always consent. You need to be honest with your partner about what you are comfortable with, and then make sure that they are someone respectful enough to stay within your boundaries.

Remember, it’s not cheating with consent. As long as you have consent and are respectful of boundaries, then its just good fun.

Note: I still haven’t figured out how to do Valentine’s Day, so if any of you have suggestions, feel free to let me know.

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FAQs for The Magically Delicious Super Slut

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I write a lot about common questions related to BDSM.

Today I want to address some common questions that are posed to me personally by people who read this blog. Call this my FAQ that I never thought to write until now:

1. Will you have sex with me?

The answer is probably not. No offense. I just got old at some point and really tired of bad sex. In my old age (30’s) I am looking for people who already know what they are doing, will provide me with a clean STD test prior to sexual contact, and can approach me with a better line than “Will you have sex with me?”

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2. Are you a prostitute? 

No. I worked at a dungeon when I was younger doing non-sexual scenes and workshops. I never did sex work.

These days, I write kink books, do workshops, and occasionally agree to a public speaking appearance. However, I should note that I think sex workers are wonderful people and I fully support the decriminalization of sex work.

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3. How do I make friends in a new scene?

I always suggest getting on fetlife.com and finding the local groups in your area. If you get on there and don’t see anything, maybe that is a cue for you to be the one who starts something. It’s not like a munch is a big commitment of time or money. Just make a post suggesting a meetup at a coffee place or something, and make sure the post is a week or two before the date of the much because some of us don’t get on fetlife much.

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4. Why can’t I find a play partner? 

The biggest problem seems to be that you are new to the scene, have been fantasizing about kink for years, and are now looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies.

Stop obsessing over yourself and your own fantasies, and start focusing on asking what other people are interested in.

Oftentimes the people who tell me that they can’t find a play partner are stuck in a place where they are finally “ready” to find a kinky partner, but they haven’t really gotten far enough to realize that we are people. As such, we all have our own wants and desires and are not objects to use to fulfill your fantasies.

If you can remember that, you should do just fine.

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5. What if I am only ready for an online relationship?

I will be honest: Anyone that has been in the kink community for a long time is probably not looking for an online relationship. I don’t even talk to people online to “get to know them” anymore. If their profile looks okay, I insist on coffee or lunch right off the bat. I will not waste my time with someone only to discover that we are not compatible in person.

Remember, online relationships are most beneficial to people who are not ready for a kink relationship in person. If someone is ready for a kink relationship in person, they will go have one.

So if you want someone to “dominate you online” and tell you when to wear your butt plug or how often you are allowed to masturbate, THAT is the kind of thing you are likely to have to pay for. You might check back page or silk road or somewhere like that to find a Domme who will be in an online relationship with you. It’s not illegal since there is no money-for-sex, so it’s not that hard to find.

But for the love of all the gods both living and dead, do not ask ME for an online relationship. I have way too much going on, and I am not interested in relationships unless they are mostly about sex. I have no need for an emotional connection with anyone. I am married and have a boyfriend. That is quite enough for me without wasting my time in a relationship where I won’t even be having sex.

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6. Why are you so mean?

This is usually the response I get after someone writes me with an unreasonable request, and I tell them that their request is unreasonable.

Example: This guy wrote to me saying “I would like you to accompany me and my (Asian) girlfriend to Club Desire this week.”

Let’s unpack that statement because there is a lot here.

First: If you check my location, you will find out that I live in Guam. Yes. I wrote about Club Desire. I wrote about it when I lived in Korea. I don’t live there anyone.

Second: I don’t care what you want. I am sorry, but I don’t. I am a busy person with a lot going on, and I simply don’t have time to care what you want. As a general rule, if you want people to care what you have to say, never ever start with telling them what you want from them. No one cares.

Third: I am deeply offended when a white guy starts dating an Asian girl and feels the need to tell everyone “My Asian girlfriend…”

Look; Asians are people. That girl that you only identify as “Asian” also has a family and a job and a whole life. She might be a writer or a translator. She might be an engineer or a truck driver. She is not an object to be fetishized as simply “Asian.” If you do this, I immediately assume that you are a racist piece of shit that can’t see beyond someone’s skin color.

Forth:  And finally, he said “this week.” What kind of person only makes plans a week in advance?!? Look I am busy! I make plans at least two weeks in advance.

Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, okay? You being a douche is why I am mean. That guy was so offended that I wrote a polite response declining his invitation that he harassed me for an entire day with messages until I actually found out who he was, discovered he was in the air force, and sent his harassing messages to his commanding offer with a complaint about his behavior. If I could have found his mom’s e-mail address I would have sent them to her as well.

And that is why I am mean.

I am constantly harassed by assholes who think I owe them something because I write a blog about kink and they want to have kinky sex. I don’t owe you anything. I write this blog for free in my own time because I am a nice person and I want to help educate people. I don’t get paid to do this. I certainly don’t owe you sex because I do it.

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7. What are you really like?

To be honest, I have no writer’s “Voice.” What you read is what you get. This is just me. I am probably nicer in real life because I am human. Humans tend to be nicer to people they know and value as friends than they are to strangers on the internet. But otherwise, this really is pretty much who and what I am.

And that, I think, sums up the answers to the most common questions I get in my inbox. If you want to ask me something more interesting, my e-mail is still: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

Birthday Slut

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It is my birthday as a blogger!

I started this blog in August of 2012, and it’s been five years!

I admit, sometimes I want to go back and delete the posts from five years ago because I hadn’t really found my voice yet. Other times, I like to keep them there to show how far I have come.

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I want to thank every single one of you who take the time to read all the things that I write. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. When my friend Chris talked me into starting this blog five years ago, I was sure that no one would care.

Somehow, I now find myself with hundreds of views per day, as well as comments and e-mails all the time. I can’t believe this little blog has become so successful, and it all because of YOU!!!

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Anyway, happy birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut. Here’s to five years of tips, tricks, and angry rants about kink. |

If you want to wish me a happy birthday, you could look for the Paypal button and make a small contribution to help my pay to renew my domain name, or just to help me keep writing.

I appreciate every contribution I get so much! And yes, the rumors are true, I definitely spend a lot more time e-mailing people who have donated than people who have not. It’s only fair.

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Thank you so very much to all of you. Your support means the world to me.

How to Approach a Dominatrix

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I get a lot of emails every day because of this blog, my fetlife account, and my work as a novelist and public speaker. I don’t want to to be jerk, but you should know that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a busy person with their own life and their own stuff going on.

First let’s talk about the media:

Please stop acting like you are doing me a favor by asking me for an interview. This is something that requires me taking time out of my life. I don’t want to do it. You should understand that I do not need “exposure,” because I am quite successful on my own. You should also understand that I know you are going to ask my the same mundane questions that people have been asking me for twenty years, and that is not something that I am excited about. So, if you must ask for an interview, do it with the understanding that you are asking for a favor, and act accordingly.

Rule of thumb for media: If a Dominatrix acts like you are doing her a favor by interviewing her, than she is not good or successful. In fact, she might not even work in the community at all.

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Now on to the non-media people who write to me:

I don’t want to sound like an asshole to these people, but I am about to, and I don’t think it can be helped. Sorry, but not really sorry, you know?

So, it’s so odd. It’s always the same thing. Someone is just figuring out that they are submissive and they think that I will be eager to do all this work to train them; as if male submissives are hard to come by. Here is how their e-mails always go:

“Hi Lady Violet. I am a male who is 56 and just discovering my kinky side. I am really excited to finally be doing this. I should have done it a long time ago.

About me: I am a “strong-willed” submissive, which is probably something you could break me of. I am sure you will want to try. 

I am interesting in you having a digital relationship with me. I want you to call me several times a week with commands and things you want me to do. 

If it goes well, I want to meet in person and see if we can play out some of my fantasies. I am really excited to start dating a Dominatrix now that I have come out as kinky. 

Let me know when you are ready!”

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Obviously there is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start, but here are some very basic tips for writing to a Dominatrix:

1. Do not go on and on about yourself. Yes, I know. When you first come out as kinky it’s all shiny and new and you think that everyone should be excited for you. But me? I have been in the kink community for over 20 years. I have worked at two dungeons, spoken at countless events, hosted tons of workshops, and even hosted a blog for nearly five years now just to explain kink so people can take some initiative and learn a little on their own.

In my more than 20 years in the kink community, I have met literally thousands of people who were just coming out. Once upon a very long time ago I did get excited for them. However, after years upon years it really does get old.

Please, do not write to me all about your coming out experience and how I should help you with it. It takes time out of my day for me to skim your e-mail and delete it, and I could have spent that time on literally anything else.

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2. Address me formally. Again, I am a Dominatrix of some notoriety and a great deal of experience. I have been around a long time. I got into the community when I was 14 and started work at my first dungeon at 16. I deserve to be addressed as “Mistress.”

In addition, if you do actually want to get on my good side, you would think you could bother to mention literally anything about me. These guys write and all they talk about is themselves like anyone wants to spend hours listen to them blather on. Do your homework by reading at least a few of my posts and finding out the most basic things about me, and then mention those things.

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3. Do not act like you are doing me a favor. I have a young and attractive submissive husband with six-pack abs and a 9 inch dick. You are not doing me a favor by offering your old, flabby body to me.

If you want me to care, then tell me why I should. What about you is interesting? What makes you stand out from the hundreds of offers I get per week? Remember that as much as kink has always been in your fantasies, I am real. All of us that you will meet in the kink community are real. We are actually people. So believe it or not, we have our own wants and needs and do not exist just to fulfill your fantasies.

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I think that is the bottom line, actually. And it applies to the media people who write to me and the men, too.

So listen up all of you:

I do not exist to please you. 

Honestly, I really don’t. No woman does. If you want something, you had better make a compelling case. Because otherwise, you are just wasting my time. (And I really, really hate that.)

Best Of Post

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Well, it’s time for those of us who use the Western Calendar to think about the new year. I suppose those who use the Lunar Calendar might be thinking ahead as well. Anyway, it’s the time of year when you see a lot of “Best Of” posts.

So, I decided to do the Best of the Magically Delicious Super Slut. That way, you can send a link to this post to your friends who aren’t already reading, and they will perhaps be impressed enough to come back.

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The most popular posts are always sex club reviews. You guys sure want to get out and fuck in front of people, don’t you? Unfortunately I have only lived in two countries, so most of my reviews are from those countries. There’s Club Desire and Club Yesica in South Korea, and then The Velvet Rope, The CSPC, and Club Sesso in the US. You should definitely let me know if you want to write a guest post about a sex club you have been to somewhere else. I would love to add to the collection.

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I put a lot of work into my Fetish Series. I’ll be honest; I am probably on an FBI watch list for Googling some of those things. However, it was a good series that covered a lot of ground, and I think it worked well to illustrate the point that there is a lot out there in terms of fetishes, and none of it is inherent bad.

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I have always been a huge supporter of women’s rights, and I am a huge fan of women standing up for themselves. So, you should definitely read about why Slut Shaming is Wrong. Lots of folks didn’t get the message and continued to send ignorant comments my way, so then I wrote Slut Shaming is Still Wrong. They are still some of my favorites.

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Of course I feel far too fondly about the post I wrote a few months after my wedding. It was a long-standing joke among my friends that no one would ever “catch me,” and that nothing on Earth could drag me to the alter. When I finally did get married, (only with the promise of an open relationship,) I was surprised to find that my friends were traditionalists in many ways, and expected me to conform to typical social conventions.

Of course there is a lot of educational stuff too, but I suppose you can find that on pretty much every kink blog these days, so it’s not really what makes me unique.

So now you have a Best Of post to show your friends, and if you missed any of those posts, maybe now you can take a second to check them out. Happy New Year!

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Overwhelmed

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I don’t usually get too personal, but I am just going to do a quick update.

While we were on vacation, my husband was hit by a car. This obviously ruined the vacation, but also has left us with a lot to deal with.

In addition, I am really busy with work and holiday cards (I send out about 100 holiday cards each year.)

So I think you might have to forgive me for being unable to find time to write. I know a lot of you check in every week for the new posts and I am sorry to do this, but my life has overwhelmed me and I need some time.

I’ll be back.

In the meantime, happy Kwanzaa, Merry Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas, or you know, good whatever-you-celebrate.

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The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

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Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

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I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

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