When Domination is Abuse

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Background:

There is a guy named Justin who I put up with harassing me for quite some time before I decided not to take part. He was a friend of friends, and I felt like I had to put up with him in order to avoid offending people I care about. He does (pretty mediocre) leather work under the alias “Justin Sayne,” and is involved with Star Fucker Promotions of Arizona. Pictures of him are including in this blog, so you can make sure to do the kink community proud by shunning this abusive person.

And now, on to the story:

This person, named Justin, was abusive to me for over a year. I fell into that awful and shameful behavior of ignoring it because he was part of the kink community in Arizona (where I am from) and I hate to make an enemy. I admit now that this was wrong of me. I compromised my principles by allowing this person to talk to me and interact with me at all after I suspected him of being abusive. I regret that. It is wrong of us to humor these people and let them live among us as equals when we know what they are.

Anyway, I finally had enough when he threatened to “really hurt me” because it “is his super power” and started stalking all my online content for the last eight years, trying to find a way to hurt my feelings. (This was prompted, by the way, by me giving my opinion on something a friend said. He does not like it when women have opinions at all.)

The point is, he displayed a variety of extremely abusive, sexist, and violent behavior when he went after me. He thinks it is okay to act in this way to any female he encounters because he “is a Dom” and “a sadist.” (And he is not really either of those things.)

As a Dominatrix who has spent 20 years in the kink scene in several different countries I want to be very clear right now:

Being abusive IS NOT being dominant.

Full stop.

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I know that people can get abuse and dominance confused. Many a sub have fallen prey to an abusive man because he played it off like it was just him being dominant.

Remember: Your submission is a gift, and you should not give it to anyone who does not respect you.

Signs That Your “Dom” is Abusive:

1. Your “Dom” does not listen to you, or becomes upset when you express an opinion.

2. Your “Dom” says things that are emotionally hurtful, such as that you are fat, or that you are stupid, or that you are too emotional to know what you want.

3. Your “Dom” ignores limits that you have set, whether hard limits or soft limits. They tell you that they know what you can handle better than you.

4. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate a fundamental respect for you, including treating you like an honored pet rather than property (outside a scene of course, because within a scene you may want to be treated as property.)

5. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate care. This is not just about listening to you during after care at the end of each scene. It is also about demonstrating care to you at all times, from complimenting your looks to expressing appreciation for your submission. You should feel love and gratitude from anyone who claims to be a dominant person.

6. Your “Dom” is constantly trying to look for your emotional weaknesses in order to exploit them. This is absolutely wrong! A good dominant will build you up, NOT tear you down.

7. Any other behavior which makes you feel hurt or damaged rather than encouraged and appreciated.

So here is the abusive guy I am talking about:

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This is Justin. He is single (obviously,) never went to college, and wants to take out his insecurities about those things on YOU.



A real Dominant may hit you, and they may enjoy hitting you. They may love the look of pain on your face, and get off on seeing you squirm and struggle. However, that is all part of BDSM and in the context of a scene. It is hurting you in physical ways, and only within boundaries that you, as a sub, have given.

If someone is lashing out and trying to hurt you emotionally, or hitting you outside of the context of a scene, that is abuse.

I understand that there are times when these lines become blurred, but there are also plenty of times that it is crystal clear, and you need to realize that and be mindful of how you are treated.

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Another picture of Justin, who probably thinks he is very funny for this, but likely is also deeply insecure about how fat he is, and that is thumb is likely about the same size as his cock. And he wants to take out those insecurities on YOU.

So, you may ask, why do people act abusive? 

People act abusive because they have unresolved emotional issues. For example, since Justin demonstrated a completely unfounded hate for me being educated and a hate for any woman who has an opinion, we can assume a few very obvious things:

1. Justin probably had a mom who was poor, and who used drugs or alcohol. She was probably unstable, and mentally and physically abusive. He has not made peace with this and is obviously still letting his past imprison him, so he is trapped helplessly in a reactionary state of hate for all women.

The irony is that if he stopped trying to hurt women and realized that most of them are good and not abusive, he would then be able to have a genuine emotional connection with a women. I think it’s obviously that making a genuine connection to a woman is the best path to heal his wounds, since he is really just upset that he didn’t feel loved by his mom.

So, by hating all women and constantly assuming that they are stupid and inferior, he is actually preventing himself from having the one thing he truly needs to heal, which is the love of a woman.

2. Justin obviously was not educated. He may have gone to High School, though I doubt it was a very good one. However, he never got into a University, and he never learned much more than the most basic things. This lack of knowledge caused him to need to tear others down so that he can try to seem superior (therefore covering for his insecurity.)

Sadly, he has tried to cover for his lack of education by reading fringe literature which is based on nonsense. This only makes the problem worse, because now instead of simply being ignorant, he is saying idiotic things that embarrass him and make his deficiencies more obvious.

What I did before I was able to get scholarships and work towards more education and travel was to listen. I listened to anything that anyone said! I told myself that everyone knew something that I didn’t know, and I looked at every conversation as a way to learn something. If Justin were to view things this way, he could improve.

Unfortunately, he is too insecure to listen to others. He looks at his life as a fight against everyone where he is constantly needing to prove himself, and it is all to cover up his subconscious understand that he is inferior as a person.

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This is not a good person. This is someone who shames our entire community by treating women as less than human. He is abusive, and he takes out his own issues on everyone around him.

How can you be better? 

Let’s say that you looked at the section above, and you realized that sometimes you also feel like you are trying to prove your worth to others. That is wonderful. The first step on your journey to being better is to recognize that you are insecure and that you do feel like you need to prove something to other people.

If you feel this way, it is because you (like Justin) have unresolved issues. You can deal with this simply by figuring out what those issues are.

Ask yourself some basic questions:

Do you feel like your parents loved you enough?

Do you feel like your grandparents loved you enough?

Do you feel like you got a “fair” hand in life, and a good chance at an education?

Are you fulfilled at your job?

Do you have hobbies that make you happy?

Do you feel like you contribute to conversations in a  meaningful way, and like you are adding something to the world?

Of course you may have other issues. Maybe you were raped. Maybe you were molested by a “funny uncle.” (I hate that term because it is not fucking funny.) Maybe you just didn’t feel like anyone really cared about you growing up, so you have trouble caring about people now.

Whatever your issues are, it’s okay that you have them. It’s okay to be hurt, because life should be more fair and there is way too much human suffering. I was homeless as a child, so I know just how shitty the world can be. I also know that even if you had a “nice life,” you can still suffer from feelings of alienation, and that those feelings are totally valid. (Every person has the worst problem in the world because it is theirs.)

However at some point, you do have to accept that holding on to pain from the past can only hurt your future. It sucks, but it’s true. You have to forgive the people who failed you, and take charge of your own life. Move forward with hope, and with kindness.

I say this because I am happy.

I have more than I ever thought that I would, and I am so fucking lucky. I really can’t tell you how lucky I am, and how grateful I am for the life that I have. And when you are happy with who you are and the life that you live, no one can hurt you. Nothing that anyone says can touch you, because you don’t get your validation from other people. You get it from yourself.

I raised a kid, and he struggles a lot with things. He always asks me where I get my happiness from, since he sees me being happy without drugs or piles of possessions and can’t understand it. The answer is so simple to say and yet so hard to realize, but I will say it anyway and hope you are in a place that you can hear me.

Where does my happiness come from?

I make it myself.

Obviously a few words on a blog are not going to heal the wounds in your soul. It takes time, and real work to do that. However, I think that it’s important to take that time and to work towards healing.

We all need to try to be better people.

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Conclusion: 

So what about Justin? Well, I cut him out of my life, and warned my friends that he was abusive to me, and that I do consider him to be an abusive person in general.

However, that was for my own safety and peace of mind. It doesn’t help him. So what about Justin? Well, I am sad for him. I hope he finds some way to come to terms with his past, and to be at peace. I never want anyone to hurt emotionally, because that is not the sort of person I am.

Until he does find peace, however, I would advice you all to stay away from Justin.

Do not buy his leather work.

Do not talk to him at events.

And because he is associated with Starfucker Productions of Arizona, do not attend their events.

He is a bad guy. I know it’s not his fault to a certain point and that he does just have issues, but he is also abusive and a bad person, and we can’t encourage that sort of behavior in the community. We need to root out the assholes and keep them away from the submissives, because we have a responsibility to each other. It is our job to make sure that no one is abused and that no one is raped, beaten, or otherwise injured.

We all know that every kink community does have those guys who are creepers, or who are using BDSM as a cover for physical and emotional abuse. We often let it slide because we feel like they are well-connected or somehow unable to be cast out.

That is not true. 

We can cast them out, and we need to if we respect ourselves and our communities at all.

Remember: Although Justin was likely abused by a woman, that was only one woman. He is abusive to hundreds of women. If we let that continue, we are passively allowing something that is a serious problem in society and in kink, and that is not okay.

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