Consensual Non-Monogamy in Media


I think Mayim Bailik is a perfectly fine actress and I hear she’s a passable scientist as well. That’s great. However, as a person, she has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t go out of my way to watch her talk. And yet, videos and stories about her come up from time to time on my social media. It’s always something horrible. She is constantly talking about ideals that went out in the 1950’s.

Example: During the #MeToo movement, she did a video that I saw reposted where she said that she had always dressed conservatively to avoid harassment. She went on to say that people weren’t nice to her because she dressed conservatively. Then, she said that obviously she was right all along because other girls trying to make it as actresses had been harassed. Her basic point? Dress like a whore and you deserve to get harassed.

It was slut-shaming, and it was disgusting. I was deeply sad that women with influence still say such shitty things.

So, when a video of her bashing my lifestyle came up in my feed the other day, I was pissed. It turns out it was an older video, but it still made me mad enough to post about. She went on and on about how unsettling she finds polyamory, and how we (poly folks) don’t have “real” relationships.

See for yourself exactly how shitty and clueless it was:

She literally tries to invalidate me and the way I live by saying that as a woman, I can’t possibly be in an open relationship without being wrong. Women, according to her, can’t possible care about anything but making babies. We need to “lean into our biology” by only having sex with men that we want to procreate with. I can’t tell you how offended I am that her narrow view of biology and relationships is being projected onto me. Plus, she acts like people in open relationships are the ones who are spreading STIs. That’s is the exact opposite of the truth.

Monogamous people are the ones who are constantly cheating by having one-night stands with strangers. If you don’t plan on an open relationship, then you cheat “by accident.” Statistically monogamy is an illusion. If you think your wife or husband doesn’t cheat on you, then statistically, you’re probably wrong. These one-night stands are how STIs are spread, because those people aren’t thinking at all about what they are doing. They are acting on instinct.

Meanwhile, people who are poly tend to be much more cautious about sex.

For example: the idea of a one-night stand with a stranger seems insane to me. I don’t need to get HIV or that flesh-eating STI going around in England. I don’t want to put my husband or any of my secondaries in danger! I have responsibilities, and I would never take that lightly.

So in the poly community, we talk about sex in mature ways and get tested before adding a new partner to our cluster. There are exceptions sometimes, but they are carefully considered exceptions, not one-night stands in a club bathroom.

Monogamous people cheat even when they are happy. And, because they are sneaking around, they are more likely to engage in irresponsible hookups that spread Sexually Transmitted Infections. The data is in: Monogamous people are spreading the STIs.

Anyway, later Maryim Bailik tried to fix her terrible video by posting this:

She does apologize for being a close-minded person. However, the way she does it is pretty rude. She says “It’s all so complicated” as if it’s too hard to understand us, so that it’s not worth it.

I get that she was doing her best to apologize for being ignorant, and I appreciate that she tried. However, she can’t really be that sorry about promoting her 1950’s values because she has always done it, and she still is.

At the end, she gets mad at us. She says we “make her feel boring” about being a person who chose to marry, be monogamous, and breed. It makes me really mad that anyone would expect me to be responsible for their choices! If she feels boring, then she should make different choices. However, she should not blame people who lead more interesting lives.

I guess I’m just tired of how we always get portrayed as immoral sluts who cannot feel love. And then, if we work hard to justify our lifestyle, then they still find a way to be down on us because we make them feel bad.