So You Want To Find A Domme

This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on Fetlife.com to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.

Example

Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

I am sleeping.”
I am eating.”
I am at work.”
I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.

 

Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.

 

Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.

 

Note:

As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.

Example:

I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

Where You Live Matters

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I live in Guam right now.

It is a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, and you have to zoom in a long way to see it on Google maps.

The island of Guam only has around 170,000 people on it, and many of them are military (so often only available for short amounts of time.)

This makes kink difficult for two reasons:

1. Kinky people are always a percentage of the population, so the lower the population, the lower the number of kinky people.

2. Tiny communities mean that everyone knows everyone, so events are difficult and terrifying for locals because no one wants to run into their aunt or brother at a munch.

This means that living on Guam has been kind of a bummer for us.

My husband and I are the sort of people who feed off the energy of other people. In the absence of our community (for munches and fetish proms and dungeon time), it is hard to feel kinky. Sometimes we start to feel like two normal married people, and it’s like huge parts of ourselves have gone numb.

I don’t want to disparage Guam. It’s beautiful. I have been able to make friends with sea turtles and enjoy empty beaches and quiet time (since we’re not overrun by tourists like most tropical islands are.)

I have no right to complain about living in such a beautiful place. I am able to enjoy coral, fish, and reefs filled with beauty and warm water that stretch on for miles. If you want to go on a vacation, Guam is  great place to do it.

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However, as a kinky person, I do feel very much like I lost myself.

I have loved being in dungeons and at kink events since I was 14. I have loved the clothes, the people, and the play. It was all such a big part of my life for so long and it always felt good.

I remember thinking that it didn’t matter where we got sent after I was in Oregon, because one thing I learned teaching in South Korea is that there are kinky people everywhere. I never thought I would have to be without my community.

And then we came to Guam, and I realized that it’s too small for events and the few munches were spoiled by this one creepy guy, and this girl who was insufferable.

Note: Please don’t think I am being unfair. I don’t judge people lightly. I am a tolerant person and I mostly love everyone, but there are things that go too far. I will go into detail so that you can see what kind of behavior turns people off:

Creepy Guy: Refused to listen when others asked him to stop describing the complications he experienced during anal training right down to the color of his runny poop. Also hit on every single male and female that he encountered regardless of their orientation, relationship status, or interest. And, constantly talked about how desperate he was to be dominated by anyone.

Insufferable Girl: Cut everyone off no matter who was talking or what they were saying so she could talk about herself. Had nothing interesting to say about herself. Insisted constantly that she was beautiful and the best sub ever and needed to be bought cars and minks and shoes because of how wonderful she was. Literally interrupted everyone at the munch to go on and on about how wonderful she was and how we should all buy her things.

There are almost always a few bad apples at a public munch, so that in and of itself shouldn’t mean much, but the problem is that outside of those two, there were only six of us (three couples.) And we three do get together, of course. But it’s not the same as a community with events.

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We found out recently that we are moving to Oahu, and I admit, it’s not ideal. It’s another island and so there will be no road trips to the next state over for some fabulous event.

On the other hand:

1. There are nearly a million people there, so there are bound to be more kinky folks on Oahu than there are on Guam.

2. It’s less remote so it’s much easier to get flights from there to other places.

So, I feel like this is a step closer to having a community again. I can’t tell you how much that matters to me! The last three and a half years on Guam have definitely proven to me that I need my community.

I know that some people (who have access to a community of kinky people) will say “You’re better off without the drama.” And yes, I know there is always going to be nonsense when there is a group of people.

In Korea, I actually had a nemesis that I had no idea about until after I left. I guess I had planned an event in Seoul on the same weekend that she had planned one in Daegu (a city to the south.) Now, I did check the Seoul pages to see if there were any other events before picking a date, since I didn’t want to step on any toes. But it never occurred to me to check every obscure city in the country for events before planning my own.

This girl felt personally slighted because no one came to her event and she blamed me.

The rest of the time I was in Korea, though I had no idea, she was furious every single time I threw a play party, munch, or fetish prom.

In fact, she even came to one of my events once and (instead of confronting me about her feelings) was an enormous bitch to everyone. I think her name was Cat or something. I have no idea. But what I do know is, she hated me for years. And when I left, she threw a party to celebrate it.

So TRUST ME, I get that there is drama. I get that more people = more problems.

The universe has not given me the gift of being ignorant of how difficult a community can sometimes be. (Although in the case of Daegu girl I actually was ignorant since no one told me about it until after I left Korea.)

The point is, I know communities can be a hassle.

And yet, it means the world to me to have access to one.

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The thing is, community is so important. You look out there at society and all you see are normal relationships mirrored in every aspect of culture. They are all monogamous vanilla people just going about their lives being dull and boring.

For people like us, there is no model. I am bisexual. My husband is hetero-flexible. Neither of us are the slightest bit into gender at all. We’re kinky. And, we’re polyamorous.

People like us are not represented in the media, in culture, or in others that we meet. There are no goofy sitcom episodes about how a couple goes through a kink slump after living together for a while because comfort and BDSM do not always mix easily. There is no relationship guru radio show to call in to and talk about making space for kink in your life. There are not movies about poly couples happily chatting about their dates when they get home at night.

We are not reflected in what you see in advertising, media, entertainment, or your office Christmas party.

Without community, we are totally alone.

When we feel lost or need advice, there is no one to go grab tea with. I would give anything to have a fellow Dom to just get beers with from time to time and talk about shit. But this is Guam, and we are one of the most remote islands on Earth.

I have struggled with my isolation every day that I have lived on Guam, and I am so excited for it to be over.

So wish me luck on Oahu. I hope I meet amazing people there. But more than that, I hope you all appreciate your communities wherever you are, because it’s awful to be without one. Friends who are like you matters so much more than I can express.