How To Ask

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I recently exchanged some emails with a man who is in a D/S relationship with a woman that he finds somewhat intimidating. The relationship was experiencing the normal ebb and flow of sex, and it was in an ebb when I was talking to him. He wondered what he would have to do to initiate scenes with his mistress.

Now, everyone is different and I can’t speak to his partner. But I will give you some general suggestions if you are a sub in need of a good spanking…

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First, I want to explain that there is a lot involved in setting up a scene. Remember that if it is always the same partner doing all the work, they will get tired of it. They will want help. It’s usually the Domme doing all the work setting up scenes, and this can be why a kinky sex life can ebb sometimes.

Knowing this, one way for a sub to get more sex is to do some of the work. Clean the room you will use of all things except the toys, and maybe some candles. Make a playlist and have the music already set up. Pick your Domme’s favorite songs. And once it’s set up, tell them.

Note: Be mindful. Please don’t set up a scene on a day when you know that your Domme is not feeling well. This will only embarrass everyone. Message them and make sure they are feeling good before they walk into a situation.

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Second, remember that attitude matters. If you are always acting like an equal and “just hanging out,” then you are in the wrong headspace for scenes. Headspace matters, and this is why sometimes it seems like it’s easier to be kinky with people you don’t know, because if you don’t spend any time with the person as an equal, then you never have to switch roles. Being in a long-term kink relationship involves being good at switching gears, and going from the headspace of equals to the headspace of Domme and sub.

It’s true that the Domme is often the one to change the tone of an interaction, but the sub can also do this without being impertinent, (if it is done respectfully and when you and your Domme are in a playful mood.)

There is no reason that you can’t take off all your clothes and wear something cute (the sub I talked to had a tail butt plug, which sounds adorable!) My own sub wears kitty ears, which are really very cute.

Then all you have to do is act submissive, and ask in the most adorable way that you can if your mistress would like to play.

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Third, remember that a Domme is a person too. Just as you like to hear that you look cute in your collar and that you have a nice ass, your Domme wants to hear that she is pretty. Not in that stiff way that a long-married couple says “You look nice,” but in the breathless way that a lover says “Oh god, you look so hot right now.” Tone matters here, and so do the words you use.

It’s not breaking any rules or being impertinent to say nice things to/about your Domme. Sometimes it can be hard to work up the courage, but I promise you that no matter how intimidating someone might seem to you, they still want you to find them irresistible and sexy.

If you’re not sure how to make someone feel sexy, remember that the specifics are what matter. “You look nice” is stiff and useless because it is nonspecific. So pick a feature and fall in love with it.

Example:

“I love the way your hair falls around your shoulders. It’s so distracting, and it makes me want to start running my hands along all the places it touches.”

~OR~

“I love the part below your ear where the skin is just right for biting and nibbling. Can I bite you there? It’s just such a sexy spot.”

And so on…

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel sexy. It is a powerful tool. If you can make someone feel desirable, you can get a lot more exciting sex from them. On the other hand, if you don’t make them feel special, the chances are that you are not going o get a command performance.

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Overall, the key is to truly embrace everything. Really see you Domme as beautiful for every little quirk and dimple. Really feel submissive and worshipful. Really lose yourself in your role and in the overall role play of the situation.

Remember: The basic kink of Domme and sub is just as much a form of roll play as anything else. You need to commit. You need to believe. You need to be in the moment. That takes work, and sometimes your significant other might not be in the mood for all the emotional work. That’s why it’s important for you to help in various ways if you feel that you need more scenes.

After my friend and I talked, he took a little bit more responsibility. And guess what? They started playing more scenes! All it took was him doing some of the work of set up and seduction, instead of leaving it all to her like he used to. So if you find yourself in a kinky lull in your relationship, try carrying a little bit more of the responsibility and see what happens.

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Kink and Three or More People

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I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.

Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.

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You think adding one more person to a situation can’t be that confusing. But, you have to consider how many points of view are involved.

In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:

First: Person One’s view of ┬áPerson Two

Second: Person One’s view of ┬áPerson Three

Third: Person Two’s view of Person One

Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three

Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One

Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two

Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group

As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.

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With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.

I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.

However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.

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I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.

So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.

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