On Distance

photograph-pets-4

 

I have done a lot of long-distance relationships in my life, because I have traveled a lot. I have the bad habit of picking up and leaving places. In my 20’s I randomly moved to Hollywood, took off to Colorado, and ran off with the Renaissance Festival doing leather work. Then, at the end of my 20’s, I moved to South Korea. It’s been a planet-wide wander lust since then.

Because of this, I have a lot of experience dating at a distance. If you’re poly I think it’s easier because you end up spending time with other people. Cuddling, even if it’s not with the person you’re thinking of, will still produce cxytocin (a bonding hormone) and have positive effects on your overall well-being.

 

Waiting for a walk

 

Usually I am fine with distance. I’m an independent person and I do well even if I am on my own. This is why picking up and moving various places seemed less insane to me than it did to my friends who had more roots. (Not having parents really probably helped with the lack of roots for me.)

But some moments distance is hard.

I had an acute moment of soul-wrenching pain the other day. My pet sent me a picture of himself, all dressed up in the leather harness and collar I bought him. And I immediately felt his loneliness, and knew that he put all that on wishing I was there to play with him. And I knew he missed me. And I felt just sick about it.

 

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I think it’s a scaled-up version of how sad your dog looks standing at the door holding its leash in its mouth and looking all tragic. You KNOW they wanna go for a walk. You KNOW they wanna play outside. And worst of all, you know they depend on you for this thing.

And here I am, thousands of miles away, unable to take my pet for a walk.

I think this is the plight of any long-distance Domme. You feel responsible for the happiness of your pets and care deeply for them, so knowing they are lonely is such a tragic and painful feeling.

I hadn’t felt anything quite like that in a really long time. It may be the most I have ever missed anyone in my entire life. And I just wanted to share it, in case anyone else is dealing with distance right now and knows how I feel.

Last, because my pet is human and this is a metaphor:

Used As a Toy

cuffs

Not too terribly long ago, I went to visit my favorite pet. I’ve written several scenes involving him on this blog, and I hope you won’t mind one more.

I was too lazy to use rope on him. I simply had him strip, and then put leather cuffs on his ankles and wrists. I linked them together with clips.

(*Which you can buy along with almost anything at stockroom.com. I don’t have any affiliation with them, but I do dig their selection and they are very discrete. )

clip

After he was tied up I blindfolded him and spent some time teasing him. I played with his penis, fingered his ass a little, and nibbled on his ears. I felt myself starting to get all dripping wet, the way I do when I tie him up and tease him. So, I rubbed my wet pussy against his leg and whispered “I can’t believe how horny it makes me to tease you like this…” He trembled as he felt the lips of my pussy brush all along his legs. And I said “What should I do next, my pretty pet?”

He answered “Whatever you want.”

I thought about un-cuffing his wrists from his ankles so I could stretch him out and ride him for awhile. But then I thought, “He did say whatever I want, so maybe I’ll just ignore him and spend some time on myself…”

I rolled over on my back and started to rub my wet fingers on my clit. I could feel it swell and become harder as it filled with blood. I moaned.

Poor pet, blindfolded and stuck on his back with his ankles and wrists locked to each other, was completely unable to make a move to join me. He struggled against the cuffs, but they were too strong. He pleaded with me, “Oh mistress, let me help!” but I ignored him.

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I reached for my dildo and stuck it in my ass, pinning it against the mattress under me. I started to move against it, but not thrust the way a guy would. Just a gentle grinding that hit all the nice spots inside of me. I kept moaning while listening to pets’ pleas.

It was then that I decided I needed another dildo.

Since I did not have one, I decided to use my pet. I un-clipped his ankles from his feet, while keeping his ankles clipped to one another and his wrists clipped to one another. This gave him just enough freedom of movement to follow my instructions as I told him: “Get on top of me and slide inside of me, but do not thrust. Hold completely still.”

I then began to grind softly against both his cock and the dildo, moving just enough to massage my clit on the inside while I rubbed the outside.

Pet tried to start thrusting but I grabbed the riding crop by the bed and hit his ass with so much force that the whole room echoed and I screamed “Bad pet! You are just my little fuck toy, do you understand? I am not here for you to get off. You are here for ME to get off, and for that to happen I need you to hold still.”

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He held still then, but made sad little whimpering noises while I continued to grind softly against him and the dildo, until I finally came up to the edge of orgasm, and spilled wonderfully over into twitchy happiness.

Once I recovered, I whispered softly in Pet’s ear: “Good pet. You’ve done well. And as your reward, you may fuck me now, as hard as you want.”

After such an intense orgasm, his thrusting inside me felt amazing. I let him ride me as hard and fast as he could until he finally asked me “Mistress, may I cum now?”

“Yes pet, I said softly. Yes, you may cum now.”

He shuddered and fell on top of me. I unhooked the clips that bound his wrists and ankles, but left the cuffs on.

He would remember, as long as we laid in that bed, that I owned him and he was my toy.

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Picking Out A Title

I'm going ti say she looks like a pet

She Looks Like A Pet

 

I got asked recently how I choose to call my pet by the title of “pet.” This got me thinking about how hard it can be to define a relationship in the BDSM community. So, I guess I’m going to talk a little about that.

First, it’s really something you should talk about with the person you have the relationship with. Ergo, my blog can only do so much. I guess just bare that in mind, okay?

Now then, there are lots of different titles and they can mean different things to different people. I know that in some scenes, “pet” would mean something different than it does to me and my pet. Keep in mind that BDSM terms are something that change over time, and vary from scene to scene. What someone in Korea calls a pet might not be what someone in Thailand thinks a pet is.

That said, it seems to me that most relationships I come across have one person who is clearly more Dominant, and one person who is clearly more Submissive. So, in a wider sense, those terms are how one starts to define a BDSM relationship.

Beyond that, there are sub-categories that a relationship could fit into. Perhaps a Dominant controls every aspect of the Submissives’ life. In that case, the submissive might be better defined as a slave. Or perhaps they simply look out for them, but never tell them what to do. Then they might be less of a Dom and more of a Protector. In my case, I chose “pet,” even though we do not engage in pet play. (I don’t have a tail butt plug for him and he doesn’t crawl around on the floor much.) I feel it defines the relationship well because he is so much younger that I feel like he’s someone I have to take care of, as you would a pet. And besides, he loves to lay with his head in my lap and have his hair played with.

In any case, I feel like the terms you use to define a relationship are largely subjective. That can make it particularly complicated when you want to define your relationship for others. If  you need help, it always helps to bring it up at a munch (fetlife event for kinksters) and see what people in your local scene tend to use.

Also, leather families can play a role in finding a name. 

The concept behind a leather family is that you’ll have a group of kinksters that are all sort of bonded together in some way. Often, it will spring from one relationship with a poly couple, who then have pets who have other significant others. As the web grows, some people are more senior and some are less, and so they end up forming a hierarchy that is usually referred to as a leather family.

So in such a situation, the family often helps to define terms. 

I really terms for submissives like Pet, Slave, and Whore. And for me, I like Mistress, Master, or Godess for me. 

But be inventive! You can use pre-defined roles that exist when you start out, but over time, you will probably find a definition for each relationship you have that suits it. 

A Kinky Threesome

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

She walked in and the three of us sat around my table. I made tea. Pet is going to Top her tonight, and I am going to supervise. I might even jump in. I haven’t decided.

In the past, when pet told me he was a switch, I found him a Malaysian girl to Top. It was cute because she thanked me every time they played. However, I haven’t seen him as a Dominant and I am curious what that looks like. So, now I am sharing my pretty little princess with him. As I watch, he is doing his first formal scene negotiation, paperwork and all. She fills out the forms and he reads them with a smile. I clear the tea and he says to her:

“You should be naked now.”

She looks alarmed.

“You’re not serious!” she says to him. Then she looks at me for help. “He’s not serious, is he?”

I just smile.

She takes her clothes off slowly, and folds and stacks them on my end table. Pet watches like a hawk, and he is grinning from ear to ear. It is the most adorable scene to watch! I stand back while he puts her cuffs on.

He takes up her riding crop. He’s never used one before and he looks both nervous and excited. He tries it out, running it along her skin. He starts to hit her softly, but he’s clearly afraid to hurt her. This makes me smile.

I watch him as he toys with her with the crop, and then later with the flogger. He considers the nipple clamps, but seems to decide against them at the last minute. While he is considering the various toys, I decide I can no longer resist. I walk over to her and start to caress her pretty little frame. I love the way she leans into my touch, like a playful kitten.

When pet sees what I am doing, he joins me. She doesn’t seem to know what to do now, writhing against both of us while we run our hands along her body and kiss and bite her skin. At one point while I am biting her nipple and he is nibbling her neck, our eyes lock. I have felt, these last many months, a growing fondness for my pet. At that moment though, we are united in thought and purpose so perfectly, and we are moving in harmony over her body. It is perfect, and at that moment, I love him. Anyone who can share such an experience without jealousy or awkwardness; who can simply enjoy the series of perfect moments with me… well… what more could anyone ever ask for in another human being?

We devour her in a series of positions. We tie her to the couch. We play with her on the table. At one point, pet picks her up and holds her with her back to me, while I flog her. He tosses her around like she weighs nothing- and I know she DOES weigh nothing to him because I am twice her size and he can toss me around.

Eventually we go upstairs and they have sex while I watch. They are a mass of skinny legs, muscles, and heaving chests. I am enthralled They are more beautiful than the people in porn, and I can’t believe this much sexiness is actually in my bed right now. I reach out and touch her breasts, which are shaking as he fucks her. They are so perfect. Not for the first time, the night feels like a drunken dream, where everything is perfect because in your mind things can be just as you imagine them. It’s rare that my reality is this amazing, and I enjoy every second.

So many fun things happen that night.

At one point, pet wants to switch because she wants to see me beat him. I tie him to my balcony and hit him as hard as I can. When I use the flogger he jumps, and I snap it hard so the sound echoes off the walls. Pet cries out a few times. She winces at the sound, and he jumps in pain again as I switch to the crop. The whole time though, she grins. I hit him over and over, and she is just there in my chair looking on like an excited little kid.

“Why is this so hot?” she asks me.

I just smile.

After I beat my pet, I put him on the floor. He curls into a little ball, and she plays with him and pets his head while I finger him. He’s shy and doesn’t want me to fuck him in front of her, so I don’t. I just finger him and spank him. She seems very amused by this.

We all spend a lot of time cuddling each other on the floor. It’s where we ended up after sex on all the furniture. I watch them move against each other and I am amazed at how perfect their bodies look together, like a god and goddess on loan to me from some unknown heaven. Her skin glows softly in the candle light, a perfect amber color. When pet puts his arms around her his muscles flex and he looks so strong and powerful. They are incredible.

At some point, after we get into bed again.

Before we fall asleep, when she first comes upstairs, she lays with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and she whispers sweet words to thank me for the scenes, and to tell me how much fun she had. I hold her against me and feel her soft, perfect body.

This, right here, is what happy feels like.

Pet joins us and we put him in the middle. It’s winter and it’s very cold. Pet is warm. So while he spoons her, I spoon him. We drift off to sleep easily, and all of us are perfectly happy.

Getting in a Fight

I want you to hit me as hard as you can...

I want you to hit me as hard as you can…

I got some pretty negative responses at the last play party I went to when I said my pet and I got in a fight (to explain some bruises.)

I did explain that I asked him to spar with me and that I was in the mood to be violent in a non-structured way. Yet, the girl I was talking to kind of went off a little about how violence makes no sense to her and how she doesn’t think it is healthy.

I’m not going to say it is “healthy” because who fucking knows what’s really good for people and what’s not? I’ve got a degree in Psychology and all it taught me was that we really don’t understand the human mind very well.

However, I’d like to defend the idea of getting in a fight- if only for arguments’ sake.

To start, we are evenly matched. I outweigh him by about 40 pounds, but he is in the military and works out a lot. Plus, he has a lot of martial arts training. We’re about the same height, and even have the same size hands and feet. So, it’s not like it was an unfair fight where one person just beats up on the other. It’s fun to spar with someone you’re about evenly matched with because it’s a challenge  and besides, competitions are always more fun when they are close.

Let’s stand back from that though. Let’s look at the larger issue.

I’m not really a “violent person.” What I mean by that is; I don’t hit people in anger. If someone says something that pisses me off, I might walk away, but I will not hit them. I never play when I am angry either. Tying someone up and beating them when you’re mad just seems… troubling to me personally.

So if I’m not a violent person, why do I like to fight?

Well, one of the reason I imagine is testosterone  I have more than most girls and I always have. I saw the movie Fight Club, and I understood right away why someone would want to join. Testing your physical limits in this way is very liberating.

I think there may be a degree of habit mixed in. I have always been in mosh pits at metal shows, and it’s fun to run at people and crash into them. Not to mention I was a bar tender/ bouncer in a pretty ruff bar for awhile. I feel like maybe it’s somewhat unhealthy to walk away from a physical confrontation and think “that was fun,” but I also think it logically makes a lot of sense, particularly if you “won” said fight. And as it happens, I have done that a lot.

With play though, there is a line. I don’t really want to hurt pet. It’s not like I try to poke his eyes out or crush his junk like I would in a real life-or-death street fight. I hold back just enough, because I know I am fighting with someone I care deeply for and am meant to take care of and protect.

Also, pet likes to be punched. Not in the face or anything. I go for the thick patches of muscle on his back mostly. A lot of people kind of like being punched. If you like more thuddy pain than stinging pain, I few punches can feel nice. I tend to avoid kidneys and things like that, but during many scenes pet has begged me to punch him and I have because he’s solid muscle and I know he can take it.

When I fight with him, I’m not trying to hurt him. I’m not trying to get hurt. Of course there will be bruises and stuff, but I mean, there won’t be any lasting damage if we can help it. And I’m not doing it out of anger, or some weird hang-up where I am secretly violent and want to kill people. Just to be clear: I don’t want to kill anyone.

I think that if you don’t get it, there’s a good chance I can’t explain it to you. Still, it’s just a bit of (mostly) harmless fun.

I guess I’d just like to ask that- if you’re talking with someone about stuff they like to do, try not to judge them. As I have been telling people for years: assuming I am a violent socio-path with homicidal tendencies because I like to get in a fight now and again… that’s not really fair. Everyone likes different stuff, you know?

I’d like to leave you with a song I really love, because it seems somehow to fit the theme of this post:

Keep Quiet…

When my pet talks too much…

 

I’m doing a work shop on sensory deprivation next weekend. I am not sure what I should include in it, but I guess I’ll just go over the basics. Find a safe word that is non-verbal. Negotiate the scene in advance. Etc…

I’ll have to let you guys know how it goes. I think I am going to do a handout, and maybe I can post it here after the event…