Polyamory Series: Conclusion

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Over the last several weeks, I have been writing a series on polyamory. Here are the posts in order in case you want a single link to share with a friend:

1. The Introduction: This is about what polyamory is, but also about what it is not. I find that defining things is a really useful way to start out a discussion about them, and the introduction hits all the key points (in my opinion) so that an informed discussion can follow.

2. Not About Threesomes: Often new people will assume that we all go around having sex with each other. Of course, we don’t. Often poly people are only ever interested in having sex with one person at once. However, they enjoy having a variety of relationships because they can’t get what they need from only one relationship.

3. The Poly Community: This explains in a step-by-step way how many relationships are often involved in a poly community, and how important each of them is.

4. Poly and Kink: Not all Poly-amorous people are kinky, and not all kinky people are poly. However, there is a lot of overlap (which of course why a series about polyamory is on a kink blog in the first place.)

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And then of course, we come to the conclusion.

I just want to remind everyone that Polyamory is really not something that people ever seem to choose. You just are, or you are not. So if you have always been curious and your partner can’t stand the thought of it, please don’t think that a little convincing is all they need. They probably just aren’t poly, and no amount of force can change that.

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Polyamory Series: Resources

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Welcome to the Polyamory Series. If you have not done so yet, please read the Introduction, and perhaps one or two of the previous posts as well.

There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory, so reading the introduction is a good way to start out, before jumping into posts in the series.

Now then, on to the topic of he day: a collection of resources for poly-amorous people.

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First up, The Ethical Slut is a lovely book about how sleeping around does not have to involve secrets and lies. In fact, it is more fun for everyone if it is all out in the open. I highly recommend picking up a copy and checking it out.

There is no related online community to pull worksheets and discussion topics from, but it is still a good book. I think anyone who is into sleeping around should check it out, even if they have no primary relationship and do not consider themselves to be poly.

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Next, Opening Up.  While The Ethical Slut is more about sleeping around ethically, the focus of Opening Up is on having a solid primary relationship as an open couple. This is a good place to focus on, as many couples who are poly are also in one or two meaningful relationships at a time.

The author of Opening Up has an Online Community where you can volunteer for studies, get resources, and participate in discussions. If you don’t mind being a lab rat, this can be useful.

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And my last book suggestion is More Than Two, which is a book that attempts to explain Polyamory for those who don’t know about it. This book also spawned an Online Community full of helpful resources for poly people.

If you are out and about in Poly communities, you will hear these books discussed ad nauseum, and everyone will tell you why one is better than the other. The truth is that different people need to hear different things, so buy all three and maybe a few more of the lesser known books, and slog through them all until you find the one that explains the parts that you need help with.

And remember, if you don’t want to buy anything, there are still load of folks like me out there who are blogging about this stuff and who are more than happy to answer questions if you need help. Part of the spirit of community is taking the time to talk to people who have questions, and I try to do my share (I get a lot of email and try to answer most of them politely and helpfully.)

Polyamory Series: Not About Threesomes

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Last week I kicked off the Polyamory Series with a basic introduction to the idea of polyamory. If you have not read it yet, please do.

Today, I want to talk about my deep and unending annoyance with men who hear “polyamory” and think “I am going to fuck so many bitches and have all the threesomes.”

Polyamory is not about you sleeping around while your partners do not, nor is it about having threesomes. Poly-amorous people do sometimes have threesomes and even orgies, but that is absolutely not what it is about.

I am going to spell this out in great detail because I am sick of people getting this wrong.

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I have been on a lot of dates in my life. I tell guys prior to dates that I am married, and that we are poly-amorous. I always think that is quite clear, and then I hear nonsense like:

1. “My wife doesn’t know, but that’s okay, right?”

2. “My wife is only into it if you will have sex with both of us.” 

3. “My wife would have to like your husband.”

4. “We just want a unicorn so your husband is out.”

And a bunch of other offensive and ignorant shit.

Let’s talk about how sick to death I am of coupes who think it’s less complicated if they date a girl together than if they both have relationships they want.

*Sigh*

It’s just not less complicated. And the logic behind this misconception is often so tragic that it makes me miserable.

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Threesome logic for vanilla monogamous types:

Guy: I want to fuck two bitches at once!!!

Girl: I guess it’s not so bad if he sleeps with someone else if I am there? And you know, maybe she will be better at going down on me than he is… 

No! Just fucking no!

If you really think you want a unicorn (term for a girl that dates a couple) then you had better both be thinking about what YOU can do for HER, because there are very few women with the slightest interest in dating a couple and they do not exist to please you.

So please guys, get it out of your head that some beautiful girl is going to come along and think that your balding head is hot and that your fat wife is gorgeous, and about how she wants to take you both on at once.

This. Will. Never. Ever. Ever. Happen. 

I am so sick of self-centered men that I can hardly stand it sometimes. Even if you have six-pack abs and a 10 inch dick, you are not god’s gift. Trust me. I have one of those at home already, so don’t think you are all that and a bag of fucking chips.

I am not impressed.

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So first pet peeve is men who think polyamory is in any way related to threesomes. Just stop it, okay?

While we are on the subject of threesome though: Guys often act like they want it and girls don’t and it’s some goal to quest over. It’s always losers on reddit.com or 4Chan.org going on and on about how they just want to get two girls in bed.

Again: No one is obligated to give a shit what you want.

Instead, let’s talk about what women want.

If they want a threesome, it is probably with two guys. One of the most common straight female fantasies is to sleep with multiple men. So stop thinking about all those boobs you are going to grab think about what your girlfriend wants.

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Next, remember that a threesome is probably not the best course of action. If you want to sleep with other people then you should. However, it is ridiculous to expect your partner to agree with you on who to sleep with. That is why you should both choose your own partners and have separate relationships with them that are not part of your primary relationship.

You might want a threesome with two girls (not that any of you ever know what to do with them when you get them,) but your girlfriend probably wants to date a guy that is different from you because women like variety, too. So go date your different girl, and let your girlfriend go date someone else as well. Forget the threesome thing.

And ladies: Please try to have the self-esteem to not be used and pushed around. Don’t be talked into a threesome that you don’t want because the unicorn can always tell. Trust me.

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Anyway, the point of all this is:

Stop confusing threesomes with polyamory. They are not the same thing. They are often mutually exclusive categories, in fact.

It’s very important that you understand this. Polyamory does involve dating more than one person at a time. However, it does not mean having sex with more than one person at a time.

(Sometimes it is easier to explain something by what it is not.)