Orientation Series: Poly vs Mono

poly-people-of-color-image

So far, we have talked about Kink Orientation and Gender Orientation. These are things that occur on a spectrum, where there are rarely absolutes.

In my experience, being polyamorous or monogamous is also an orientation. And, like other orientations, it is on a spectrum.

You might say: How can that be? You either sleep around or you don’t, right? However as always, the world is full of all kinds of nuance.

26open-master768

Example One: Katie is only interested in sleeping with her boyfriend. She doesn’t like to date, and she doesn’t want to have sex very often. This is not a reflection on who she is with. She just has a low libido. However, she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she is not insecure, so she doesn’t mind that he sometimes sleeps with other girls. He always tells her about it, and he never brings them home. This makes it easy for Katie to feel comfortable with dating a polyamorous person even though she is monogamous. She is monogamous but open.

download (2)

Example Two: Sidra really loves her husband. He is her favorite person and she cannot ever imagine her life without him. She doesn’t want anyone else to be in their home, and she doesn’t want anyone else raising their daughter. She is happy with everything about their life. However, she loves the feelings of falling in love. She loves the feeling of people finding her attractive. She has a high libido and really wants to have sex with the attractive men who flirt with her. Her husband only has eyes for her, and he is fiercely in love with her, though his sex drive is low. Thankfully, he understands that she has needs. He may not want to sleep around, but he doesn’t mind of she does. She is respectful and never brings the men home where her family might have to meet them, and at her husband’s request she doesn’t talk about what she does. They refer to it as her going on a “mini-vacation.”

highres_442200786

Example Three: Jack is bisexual. He is married to Jill, whom he adores. However, she is a girl, and he is bisexual. Thankfully, Jill is bisexual as well. She understands that sometimes Jack needs to be with a man. After all, sometimes she needs to be with a girl. Jack and Jill both occasionally date. They only date same-sex partners, though. It would hurt Jill’s feelings if Jack slept with another woman. And, it would hurt Jack’s feelings if Jill slept with another man. They know that some bisexual people are monogamous and choose a partner of one sex or the other and just settle down and be happy. Neither of them are able to do that, but that is okay because they are consenting adults who are happy with their non-traditional arrangement. They tell each other about their experiences with same-sex partners, and they both actually think it’s a really big turn on.

8094857_orig

Example Four: I am pansexual, which means that I like to have all kind of sex. Threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, kink, whatever. I have sex with men, women, transsexuals, and virgins who have no idea what they are yet. My husband is also pansexual and doesn’t really seem to care what experience he is having as long as it is new. We have lots of sex with each other. But, we also have sex with lots of other people. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. We tell each other about it, because we both enjoy imagining each other with other people (or watching each other with other people.) Last summer he had sex with my friend, who is very straight and not interested in a girl seeing her naked. I was disappointed that she didn’t want me to be involved, but I didn’t want to deny him the experience. So, they had sex a couple nights in a row, and I hung out online. Sure, I was a little jealous. But we both have moments when we are jealous, and we recognize and manage our jealousy because we don’t want to deny each other new and exciting experiences.

404dramainbed.png

These are just a few examples of different ways in which people can be varying degrees of polyamorous or monogamous. Just remember that the key is always consent. You need to be honest with your partner about what you are comfortable with, and then make sure that they are someone respectful enough to stay within your boundaries.

Remember, it’s not cheating with consent. As long as you have consent and are respectful of boundaries, then its just good fun.

Note: I still haven’t figured out how to do Valentine’s Day, so if any of you have suggestions, feel free to let me know.

poly or

Orientation Series: Introduction

images (2)

There are a lot of components to a person’s sexual identity. I have watched a lot of people go through various struggles as they tried to sort out who they were, and I have gone through my own as well. So, I thought it might be fun to do a series on the various aspects of a person’s sexuality.

images

Kink:

Some people are not kinky at all. We call these people vanilla. However, this is actually a pretty small percentage of the population. A lot of people are only interested in specific fetishes, but they are still some shade of kink. We’ll explore this more in the post about kink orientation.

images (8)

Gender: 

In culture, gender is often portrayed as binary: male or female. However, there is a lot more to it than that. Transgender people, intersex people, and various shades of in between male and female are all part of the variety in our species.

download (2)

Mono/Poly Attraction: 

Some people really are only interested in one sexual partner. They enjoy mating with a single person for life. On the other hand, some people are are interested in having several sexual partners at a time. That is one aspect of a person’s orientation.

images (3)

Sexual Orientation: 

Again, culture portrays this as a binary situation: straight or gay. However, most of us fall of a spectrum somewhere in between, with a sexual preference but interest in both sexes. And of course, some people are asexual and just like to cuddle.

Over the next few weeks I want to explore each of these aspects of orientation in detail, and discuss various topics related to your orientation.