So… No Threesome Then?

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Six year ago my husband had to go for training in Missouri before we moved to Guam. I went to stay with my mom in Oregon for a year, and I dated a guy there who was kind of a mess, but nice. We’ll call him Kevin, since he just has a generic white guy name anyway and they’re all the same.

Anyway, Kevin had been married for 20 years and was in the process of getting over it. I thought he could use a little fun, so I took him along to the kink clubs of Portland and showed him a good time. It wasn’t thrilling or anything, but between him and the gorgeous young pet I kept while living there, I entertained myself.

When I left Portland, gorgeous young pet wandered off into drugs and hippy festivals in the woods, and I haven’t heard from him since (though I hope he’s okay.) However, Kevin stayed in touch. We met up several times over the years (since he lived near my mom) and things seemed fine other than him still being a bit of an Eeyore about everything.

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Now that I am living in Hawaii, all of a sudden everyone wants to “come visit me” (by which they mean they want a free place to stay in Hawaii.) Kevin was among those who asked to stay, and I agreed. He’d had a run of bad luck between his daughter’s suicide attempt, losing his job, and his older son having trouble in school due to being autistic. It was a lot to deal with and I thought some beach time would help.

However, Kevin had never spent any time around my husband. I just assume everyone who claims to be poly can handle that. I really wasn’t prepared for what a jerk he was about to be…

See, I knew Kevin had issues. He made the choice to stay in an unhappy marriage long enough to learn some bad behaviors. However, I don’t think I really understood that I was about to see all of them on display at once.

In every interaction he observed between my husband and I, he tried to find conflict. My husband and I do not fight, but Kevin tried to look for the hostility that he thinks is behind every word and gesture in a marriage, and it was exhausting.

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I would say some innocuous thing like:

Where are all the spoons?

This is code for:

Husband, I know there is a pile of tea cups on your desk with spoons in them. Bring them to me for spoons belong in the kitchen.”

But Kevin would immediately see hostility in my calm tone of voice and say:

Dude, she sounds pissed off. You better get her the spoons.”

It’s hard to show exactly how shitty it is to have someone gas-lighting your every conversation by trying to turn it into a fight when it’s not. And yes, I know that it’s not his fault because clearly he has a huge hangup about the idea of marriage. I get that. But, it’s no excuse to spend a week trying to see fights in every single thing a couple does.

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Then there was the mocking. My husband and I do try to keep affection to a minimum in front of company. However, we’re really happy and we really love each other, so sometimes we can’t help ourselves. And there was Kevin using a tone only a school-yard bully would use: “Yeah yeah I get it, you’re so fucking cute.”

Obviously I saw no reason to have a big breakup while he was here, since I had to drive him the airport and it would have been awkward. However, I breathed a sigh of relief when his cloud of misery and anger was safely dropped on the curb. Then, I sent a Dear John letter post hast.

It’s weird how you can know someone for six years and safely avoid their deep-deeded issues. And then all of a sudden, that shit can all jump out at you like a boogieman in the dark.

I’m so disappointed.

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Plus, one thing that sucks about being poly is that I never feel like I’m allowed to be sad about a breakup because I have this beautiful husband who brings me chocolates and loves me to pieces. And yet… six years is a long time to chat with someone, hang out with them, and exchange holiday gifts. It’s the end of A Thing.

I guess if the husband hadn’t been in training in Missouri the whole thing would have fallen apart six years ago when I realized how miserable and bitter Kevin was towards married people. However, things just happened to align in such a way that I didn’t find out until I’d already gotten attached, and that sucks.

Anyway, it’s okay to be sad when you break up with someone even if your life is still full of love and joy. Emotions are weird and complex, and we have the capacity to feel a lot of things at once.

One last thought: I am sick of the trope of the “crazy ex-girlfriend.”

Women tend to find someone new pretty easily, and it’s usually the men who end up brooding and getting weird. So I want to point out that I have a crazy ex-boyfriend who needs a lot of therapy, and it should be more acceptable to talk about how nuts men can get after a breakup. After all, a “crazy ex-girlfriend” refers to a girl who slashes your tires or tells your new girlfriend that you have Herpes. But ladies, we all know that a crazy ex-boyfriend can be dangerous. I live an ocean away from mine so it’ll be fine, but some women live in the same city, and many are murdered by their crazy ex-boyfriends.

May you all stay safe and happy, and may you avoid the ones with hidden issues.

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BDSM Resources

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Consensual Non-Monogamy in Media


I think Mayim Bailik is a perfectly fine actress and I hear she’s a passable scientist as well. That’s great. However, as a person, she has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t go out of my way to watch her talk. And yet, videos and stories about her come up from time to time on my social media. It’s always something horrible. She is constantly talking about ideals that went out in the 1950’s.

Example: During the #MeToo movement, she did a video that I saw reposted where she said that she had always dressed conservatively to avoid harassment. She went on to say that people weren’t nice to her because she dressed conservatively. Then, she said that obviously she was right all along because other girls trying to make it as actresses had been harassed. Her basic point? Dress like a whore and you deserve to get harassed.

It was slut-shaming, and it was disgusting. I was deeply sad that women with influence still say such shitty things.

So, when a video of her bashing my lifestyle came up in my feed the other day, I was pissed. It turns out it was an older video, but it still made me mad enough to post about. She went on and on about how unsettling she finds polyamory, and how we (poly folks) don’t have “real” relationships.

See for yourself exactly how shitty and clueless it was:

She literally tries to invalidate me and the way I live by saying that as a woman, I can’t possibly be in an open relationship without being wrong. Women, according to her, can’t possible care about anything but making babies. We need to “lean into our biology” by only having sex with men that we want to procreate with. I can’t tell you how offended I am that her narrow view of biology and relationships is being projected onto me. Plus, she acts like people in open relationships are the ones who are spreading STIs. That’s is the exact opposite of the truth.

Monogamous people are the ones who are constantly cheating by having one-night stands with strangers. If you don’t plan on an open relationship, then you cheat “by accident.” Statistically monogamy is an illusion. If you think your wife or husband doesn’t cheat on you, then statistically, you’re probably wrong. These one-night stands are how STIs are spread, because those people aren’t thinking at all about what they are doing. They are acting on instinct.

Meanwhile, people who are poly tend to be much more cautious about sex.

For example: the idea of a one-night stand with a stranger seems insane to me. I don’t need to get HIV or that flesh-eating STI going around in England. I don’t want to put my husband or any of my secondaries in danger! I have responsibilities, and I would never take that lightly.

So in the poly community, we talk about sex in mature ways and get tested before adding a new partner to our cluster. There are exceptions sometimes, but they are carefully considered exceptions, not one-night stands in a club bathroom.

Monogamous people cheat even when they are happy. And, because they are sneaking around, they are more likely to engage in irresponsible hookups that spread Sexually Transmitted Infections. The data is in: Monogamous people are spreading the STIs.

Anyway, later Maryim Bailik tried to fix her terrible video by posting this:

She does apologize for being a close-minded person. However, the way she does it is pretty rude. She says “It’s all so complicated” as if it’s too hard to understand us, so that it’s not worth it.

I get that she was doing her best to apologize for being ignorant, and I appreciate that she tried. However, she can’t really be that sorry about promoting her 1950’s values because she has always done it, and she still is.

At the end, she gets mad at us. She says we “make her feel boring” about being a person who chose to marry, be monogamous, and breed. It makes me really mad that anyone would expect me to be responsible for their choices! If she feels boring, then she should make different choices. However, she should not blame people who lead more interesting lives.

I guess I’m just tired of how we always get portrayed as immoral sluts who cannot feel love. And then, if we work hard to justify our lifestyle, then they still find a way to be down on us because we make them feel bad.

Dating Separately vs Dating Together

My husband and I live on an isolated island, so we don’t have much opportunity to date. We’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s a very small community. (Thankfully we move to Oahu at the end of this year and so this forced monogamy is almost over!)

However, when we have the chance to date (everywhere but here), we usually do it separately. He does his thing; I do my thing. And then we meet up and share thoughts and feelings together.

On rare occasions, we have been lucky enough to find someone who was interested in both of us. One of the amazing humans who we had played with when we lived in Korea came to see us recently, and we all spent a week together. And, I guess I am just thinking about how sometimes that can work out.

I mean, it’s harder.

If I date someone that my husband does not date, that is one relationship.

If he dates someone that I do not date, that is a second relationship.

And then, since we are seeing each other, that makes a total of three relationships.

However, when you have a triad, there is so much more going on. You have each individual relationship on it’s own (his with her, his with me, me with her, me with him, her with him, her with me.) But then, you also have the overall dynamic when you are together. It’s an added layer of complication that I don’t usually opt for. I mean, I like to keep things simple. Extra stuff tends to make things more complicated.

But, I just want to celebrate the fact that sometimes it works out. With this one amazing, special, beautiful unicorn, it has always worked out. It’s never awkward of weird; just happy.

Those moments when things really go well are so rare and so awesome that I am just glad, and I just wanted to give a shout out to all the people who like to date couples and who blend seamlessly into what is already going on. Thank you for existing.

A Unexpected Conversation

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Part of my month-long vacation this summer involved going to see some old friends from college. After some adventures, we ended up sitting at a Denny’s late into the night and talking about “how we really are.” When the girls found out that I was in a poly-amorous relationship, they immediately unleashed a torrent of jealously at me.

I should note, these are not kinky girls. They are what I would consider to be pretty vanilla and normal (all things considered.)

And yet, when I mentioned that my husband and I occasionally slept with other people, they were overcome with wonder and asked me how I managed to convince him to allow such a thing.

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Now of course, that is just silly. I didn’t have to “convince” him and he doesn’t “allow” it. It is just who he was when I met him. It is also how I am, and so it worked out nicely for us.

At that Denny’s at 3am, the more the girls described their experiences with their husbands, the more I became convinced that being poly is an orientation. My college friends are hard-wired like me, to want multiple partners. And unfortunately, their husbands are not.

This made me curious how common it is in each sex, and so I did a bunch of digging. It doesn’t seem that the topic has been studied yet, so if you know a social scientist looking for a thesis idea, please suggest it to them. In the meantime, my anecdotal evidence will lead me to suspect that it is more common in females.

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If being poly truly is an orientation (as many have suggested,) then I guess that means it’s something you can’t talk a partner into if you want the relationship to last. You either have to find someone who is, or become comfortable with being monogamous. At least, that is how it would seem to be.

It’s funny because when I first realized I was poly, I suspected that everyone was like me, but they were all pretending not to be. I held on to that belief for a long time, and used to get annoyed when people told me that they just couldn’t imagine it. I would blame their religion or their upbringing, and imagine that they were being held back from something they really wanted deep down.

However, after years of running workshops and counseling people on everything to do with sex, I am convinced that some people really aren’t into sleeping around. They just want one human to call their own, and consider that to be enough. I think that is really just how some people are.

Thank all the gods both living and dead that I found a mate who wasn’t monogamous.

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Orientation Series: Review

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We have taken a look at several orientations.

There is the spectrum of Kink to Vanilla (and everything in between.)

There is the spectrum of Gender Orientation (and all the possibilities there.)

There is the spectrum of Polyamorous to Monogamous (and all the funny quirks of that.)

And finally, there is the wild and wide variety of Sexual Orientations.

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All of these things are components of who you are. We as human beings are extremely complicated, and there are so many components to a person’s personality; (all of which determine important aspects of who you are.)

This can be beautiful and fun, but it can also also make you feel helpless. I know a lot of people who worry that they are “so weird that they will never find anyone who fits them.” I understand that. I used to feel that way. Everyone fit with me in one or two ways, but not completely. All I can say is that these days, with the Internet, there is hope.

To quote a friend of mine:

“You may think you are hopelessly weird because you can only get off if you are fucking a guy in a donkey costume with a vibrating strap-on. But honey- with the Internet you can find someone who wants to be that donkey.”

Take it from a pansexual guy in a girl’s body who is kinky beyond all reason and polyamorous by nature: If I found someone who fits with me, anyone can find a match.  Good luck to all those still looking.

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Polyamory Series: Conclusion

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Over the last several weeks, I have been writing a series on polyamory. Here are the posts in order in case you want a single link to share with a friend:

1. The Introduction: This is about what polyamory is, but also about what it is not. I find that defining things is a really useful way to start out a discussion about them, and the introduction hits all the key points (in my opinion) so that an informed discussion can follow.

2. Not About Threesomes: Often new people will assume that we all go around having sex with each other. Of course, we don’t. Often poly people are only ever interested in having sex with one person at once. However, they enjoy having a variety of relationships because they can’t get what they need from only one relationship.

3. The Poly Community: This explains in a step-by-step way how many relationships are often involved in a poly community, and how important each of them is.

4. Poly and Kink: Not all Poly-amorous people are kinky, and not all kinky people are poly. However, there is a lot of overlap (which of course why a series about polyamory is on a kink blog in the first place.)

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And then of course, we come to the conclusion.

I just want to remind everyone that Polyamory is really not something that people ever seem to choose. You just are, or you are not. So if you have always been curious and your partner can’t stand the thought of it, please don’t think that a little convincing is all they need. They probably just aren’t poly, and no amount of force can change that.

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