Fetish Series: Pictures and Video

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The very first thing that needs to be said here is: You can’t trust anyone. I am sorry if that is cynical or if you don’t agree. But it’s the truth. In our modern world, you have to work very hard to avoid compromising pictures/video of you showing up online.

It’s true that several states have passed laws against pictures of you being uploaded without your consent. However, once something is on the internet, it is there forever. If you end up on a revenge porn website, you can go to civil rights lawyers who specialize in that sort of thing and try to get help. However, as they will point out, it’s impossible to know where pictures of you have been uploaded, and finding them all and sending cease and desist orders will not “fix” the problem.

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There are hard truths to face here. Overwhelmingly, it is men who hide cameras or even tell women they are photographing/videotaping them, and then later in a moment of rage, they upload the pictures/video.

So what can you do?

If you agree to any pictures or video, make sure you are the one in possession of the recording device, and that it stays in your possession. Don’t share any pictures/video. Just say that it’s something you want to experience together or not at all, and then don’t back down.

As it happens, there are no naked pictures of me on the internet. However, there are naked pictures of all my friends, because they sent naked pictures saying “My master would never betray me.” And then, big surprise, he did.

I know the “not all men” folks will come out of the woodwork now and say “But I would never do that.” Well, good for you. But according to statistics, that makes you part of a very small minority. And that makes my warning prudent even if you think it is unfair.

As far as I can tell, there are literally zero websites devoted to hidden camera footage of men naked. There are no revenge porn websites full of dick pictures or full frontals of guys. In fact, you would be hard-pressed to find any naked pictures of men online that they didn’t upload themselves.

Please, correct me if I am wrong. Show me the websites devoted to posting photos of unconsenting men. Show me a few ruined careers when the boss found out, and some unapologetic women saying “It’s not illegal to have a camera on in my room. If it happens to stream online, well, it’s not like he asked first if I had a camera on.”

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So keep an eye out for hidden cameras. Make sure you know someone before getting naked at their house (and remember their are whole websites devoted to hidden camera pictures of women peeing, so you aren’t even safe in the bathroom.)

Definitely don’t take pictures and send them. And don’t let anyone photograph/take video of you unless it’s on your device and you can be sure that you will be able to maintain control.

If you are going to end up on a porn website, it should be because you consented to it and got paid for it. It shouldn’t be because some asshole stole your imagine and uploaded it. So take care of yourself and don’t let anyone push you into taking pictures or video. Ever.

Just say no.

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All that being said, it can be a fun experience to record/photograph yourselves. I have done it on occasion, on my own phone (and after we watched it I deleted it right away.) It is interesting to see yourself doing things, and it can be really exciting.

Just be careful.

Also on the note of pictures and video, some people have a fetish for watching porn during sex or trying to recreate a porn at home. It’s not my kink, but I suppose the appeal is obvious: extra stimulation. I don’t know how these couples agree on porn (my husband and I don’t watch much of the same kind of porn) but good for them for being able to compromise on something like that.

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Flogging in Detail

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Recently I was asked for more detailed information about flogging than what was in my overview post. So, let’s go into more detail.

First, you must realize that there are several different lengths of floggers available. A good place to buy them is stockroom.com. You don’t want to go too short or too long as a beginner. I would suggest something around 18″ to 24″ tails at the start, because they are easiest to manage.

Also, since a beginner might not be able to help hitting less desirable spots to start, I would recommend suede over leather. Leather can cut skin, whereas suede produces a wonderful sound and feel, but is very unlikely to leave lasting damage. Also note, you do not want braided tails at first, nor do you want tipped tails. Again, these things are more painful for your submissive (which every pain slut will enjoy,) but are also more dangerous in untrained hands. So it’s best to start with a simple soft suede.

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(Note: Above is an example of tipped tails.)

Now, the motion is always described as a figure eight. What that means is that you will go up to make the top of the eight, and strike as you cross over to begin the lower part of the eight. This is the strongest part of the swing. The figure eight motion allows for more control, and it also allows you to build up more momentum so that the flogger will make those wonderful sounds.

It is very true that in porn (like on kink.com) they do not use a figure eight motion, but instead swing randomly. To that I would say: lesbian porn is full of made-up straight girls shoving 2 inch nails into another girl’s vagina, and that is not realistic either. If you don’t believe me, please see actual lesbians watching lesbian porn.

So again, use a figure eight motion in the air, because this helps to give you more control on where you strike on your submissive’s body. Remember: you do not want to strike the same spot over and over. No one likes the same spot touched, hit, or pet over and over. You must always vary where you spank, lick, bite, or hit.

Then, remember to hit the more fatty areas. There are lots of diagrams available online.

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And finally, do not start by just wailing away on your submissive. People need to be eased into pain a little at a time. It’s a lot like the penetration part of sex, where you should not just shove your dick in and start fucking like a jack rabbit (unless you have a tiny penis- then it’s probably okay.) But to be good at it, you want to build up to the intense part over time, right?

So with flogging, start out slowly, with lazy figure eights that hit lightly. Think of it as a caress, because the suede tails should feel like a lover’s caress when they touch the skin. As you go, build up the intensity and let the flogger move faster and faster. This will help you build up to striking harder and harder.

Remember to be careful not to let the flogger wrap around your submissive and snap the front of them, because the added force from that an cause broken skin even with a suede flogger. If you’re nervous, stick to the middle first. This is particular true as you start to hit harder.

As you get more experienced, there is a huge variety of types of floggers that you can check out. It really all depends on how far your submissive wants to go. After all, metal-tipped tails are not for everyone, but for some folks, they’re a favorite. Don’t forget to communicate!

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BDSM Porn

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Since the release of a certain novel that began as Twilight fan fiction, many people have started to become curious about BDSM. This has led to a lot of questions about where to get good BDSM porn.

Sadly, I have to tell you that I don’t know. Sure, there are books for that sort of thing like the Sleeping Beauty Series. And there are instructional books too.

However, when you start looking into porn for some fetishes (say a female domme who is not a bitch to her subs) you tend to come up empty-handed.

If you are a male, and you are into dominating females, then you can find all the things you want at kink.com.

But if you are most other kinds of kinky, there isn’t much out there for you. And in pretty much all BDSM porn I have seen, the participants are mean to each other. I don’t happen to think that dynamic is always fun, because BDSM can also be very sensual and loving and it doesn’t get enough credit for that.

And what if you are a female that likes to objectify men in the same way that women are traditionally objectified in modern media? There isn’t really any porn for you. After all, that’s not something the people who make porn would ever think of (I mean, they are all men!)

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So what do you do if you are looking for some BDSM porn that involves a loving couple with a healthy power-balance?

Well, there are sites like Literotica that offer a variety of kinky stories to read. Usually in there you will find the stuff you are probably looking for (more cute rope scenes and less clown porn with handcuffs.)

But if you’re looking for video it’s a good chance you are out of luck.

I like to hope that as BDSM becomes more main stream, we might see more porn that is actually representative of our relationships. But then, vanilla folks don’t really get that right now, and they are the defining element of the mainstream.

Hopefully you find something out there that is something like what you want. But I think for us kinky folks, the best porn is real life, because often we have more satisfying sex than anything you can find online. Go us.

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What’s Wrong?

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Recently a friend posted this article, and because it comes up so much in kink couples and vanilla couples, let’s talk about it. Why can’t your male partner get off?

The problem is, women often blame themselves, thinking that there is something wrong with them. They panic that they are bad in bed, or that their vagina is somehow deffective. I have heard this so often from so many women, and I feel terrible for them because they are trapped in a whole mess of insecurity over something that is 99% of the time not their fault at all.

As the article points out, the most common reasons that men can not get off is:

One: They grip too hard when they masturbate (and masturbate too often) which causes them to not be able to enjoy actual sex.

Two: They watch too much porn and are used to a level of things going on at once that no human could provide them.

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First, let’s talk about masturbation. When a woman masturbates, it is not something that can prevent her from having an orgasm later. Since women can have multiple orgasms in a row if they want, a little fun in the morning isn’t going to stop them from getting off at night. As such, they often don’t understand why a male partner can’t get off when they have masturbated that day (or the male partner does not admit to having masturbated that day).

Add to that the fact that most guys grip way too tight when they are pleasuring themselves, and no vagina will ever be as tight as a hand grasping with all its might.

Second, when I say porn is a problem, I don’t mean watching a porn all the way through with build up and credits. I mean the 15 different porn clips that your male partner probably watches at once, all being just a short video of some outrageous thing that you can’t/shouldn’t do for them (be gang-banged, fuck a donkey, etc…)

So when they are used to watching all these different porn clips at once (and all of extreme things), one person becomes less than they need to have an orgasm.

These things are not your fault as a woman. Not at all. Your male partner can lay off the porn and the masturbation to help these problems go away. But don’t ever let him make you feel responsible. You are not responsible at all.

Sorry guys. I’ve just run into too many women who are being made to feel bad because of their male partner’s life choices and it’s simply not fair to them to keep blaming themselves.

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A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

From the movie "The Craft," here's a 90's Goth girl, just like I was.

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex  yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting  when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!

Bringing People In

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Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down  first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

Scene Negotiation

Everyone likes different things- in the kink universe and outside of it. Personally, I love vanilla candles. 😉

People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. Here are some tips for finding out what your partner is into:

Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)

E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.

In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I had a list of ideas prepared for newbies. If you’re going to negotiate in person, be ready to just start listing things off when your submissive gets tongue-tied and isn’t sure how to express their desires. Start with simple things such as verbal humiliation, being tied up, and flogging. Go from there if they seem calm about it.

Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance is seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.

-Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out.

Note About After care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is.