Fanstasies are Just That

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I have heard a lot of questions about rape victims and certain types of play. Some people in the BDSM community seem to want a uniform answer to what is okay, and what is not okay. And that isn’t possible.

The answer is always that what you are comfortable with is what is okay. No more, and no less.

I’m not just saying this as someone with experience in the community. I’m saying this as a rape victim. For me; I was able to divorce the feelings I had to my traumatic experience from feelings to do with play. But not everyone can.

Either way, you are not wrong.

If you want to play a rape fantasy and you have been raped, then it might be your way of dealing with it. Or it might have nothing to do with it and be completely separate in your head. If you have been raped and you do NOT want to play rape fantasies, that is okay too. It might be that it reminds you too much of what happened to you. It might just be an upsetting concept to you regardless of what has happened to you. All those feelings are valid.

Women who have not been raped and want to play this kind of fantasy often feel guilty, like it means they actually want to be raped. Obviously it does not. Consenting to a fantasy is very different than a non-consensual attack.

How ever you feel about certain fantasies you have or certain kinds of play, it’s alright.

This is similar to how men sometimes think that if they want to be pegged, it means they are gay. Wanting to be get fucked in the ass makes sense for men, because the prostate is a huge pleasure center and that is where it is located. It doesn’t make you gay any more than wanting to play a rape fantasy means a woman wants to get raped. When we have fantasies about certain types of play, it doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning.

(*And if it does have a deeper meaning, that is okay too. Some people use play to work through issues they have, and that is fine as long as your partner can be understanding and supportive.)

Also, let me explain something important because /r/theredpill and other “men’s rights” groups that advocate force exist : Rape is a horrible crime. It takes away a woman’s power, her self-respect, and her sense of control over her own body. To be helpless and violated against your will is the worst thing you can do to a person. There his nothing okay about it. So remember that we are talking about FANTASIES and not anything real.

It is never okay to drug a woman, pressure her to get drunk, or do anything else so that you can take advantage of her once she is unconscious. It is never okay to force a woman into anything. No means no.

In some states there are laws being talked about to say that instead of “no means no” we should be talking about “yes means yes.” I agree with that. If you ask someone if they want to have sex and they don’t answer with yes, then you should not have sex with them. Woman sometimes freeze up when they have been taught to be passive and not to argue (many religions teach this behavior to women.) They might be terrified to say no, but would never say yes because they don’t want to. Respect that.

In fact, I make people I sleep with sign consent forms. These forms contain information about what methods we agreed on to prevent pregnancy and STDs, as well as what we agree to do. I think if more people used consent forms, the world would be a better place.

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Remember that with fantasies, if you are comfortable, then it is okay. And guys who struggle with this; trust your lovers. If they say it is okay, then it is okay. Trust your partner to know their limits.

Sometimes you think you’re okay with something and then it turns out that you are not. That is okay too. It’s okay to test yourself, and it’s okay to find out you can’t handle things that you thought you could. Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences. There are no rules here. There are no easy answers.

I also want to point out that trauma can present itself in funny ways. For me, the thing I draw the line at is opening my eyes during sex. I just can’t do it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to give it a shot with people I loved. But it’s too upsetting and I can’t handle it because my rapist made me look him in the eyes. For me there is a connection there that I can’t shake.

The people I have played with have often found this odd. One person was kind of mean about it; saying it meant that I didn’t trust him. That was very rude of him, and he shouldn’t have been so disrespectful of a hard limit that I can’t change for anyone.

There is no kind of play that is inherently wrong. As an exmaple, rape fantasies are common and it isn’t sinister to have one.

If you have discussed it, and you’re both okay with it, then try whatever feels right to you. It’s okay if some things are comfortable for you and some are not. The mind is a complicated place, and no one but you can judge your fantasies or your desires. Let yourself experience the things you want, and let those experiences help you on your way to understanding yourself.

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While we’re sort of on the subject, I just want to make one other point. There are a lot of people who make jokes about rape. And I just want you to know that IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s not okay to joke about it. It’s not okay to make light of anyone else’s trauma.

Do not tell a woman that she should “get over it” Do not try to set a time limit on mental damage, and say “well it’s been more than a decade, so how could it still bother you?”

Time does not heal all wounds. Things I don’t talk about or think about much still effect my behavior today, and that is okay. We can only see the world through the filter of our perspective, and we are all shaped by the things that happen to us. If bad things happen to  you, it does not make you weak if you can’t forget them or change the effects they had on you. We are all shaped by our experiences. And that is okay.

This is NOT funny

This is NOT funny

My rape fantasy

So far it’s awful having Mr. Knight here. I shouldn’t say that- because it’s always good to have a guy pal to play video games and drink beer and watch TV with. We’re actually having a blast in the sense that it’s all the things I like about having guy friends, but without the hassle of finding an excuse to hang out. That is always the annoying part when one has guy friends, you know? It’s nice to have those lazy Sundays drinking beer and watching TV, but it’s like you have to make a good excuse to have that because no one really feels like they’re allowed to go out of their way to make “guy time” without looking like a jerk or a pussy or some shit. There’s just a stigma there somehow…

Oh, and I guess I should explain that even though I am a girl, I identify as a boy. I always have. I just happen to live in a girl’s body, and it’s complicated. My sexuality is actually a long and boring mess. I could go into it in detail, but I won’t just now. Anyway, I like my guy time and Mr. Knight and I have fun. He’s a good geek pal to hang out with and I’m not going to fault him for needing to crash on my couch.

The real problem is the way Mr. Knight smells. As much of a guy’s guy as I am visually and emotionally and in most every way, my sense of smell is female and I am so turned on by the way Mr. Knight smells. It’s making me crazy.

His clothes are laying around and they smell like him. The bedding he uses is folded in the living room and it smells like him too. And when he hasn’t showered and he crawls up to the loft to talk… the urge to rape him is nearly impossible to control. He’d struggle because he’s still in love with his ex and he doesn’t want to get tangled up in my shit. But even when guys struggle and don’t want it, they still get hard because that’s just a reaction. Hell, the struggling would make it more hot. I’m strong and I could take him. I could tie him to the railing of the loft and suck him until he was hard, and then fuck him while he tried to get away…

Do you see the problem? This is what I have been having waking fantasies about. Who imagines raping their friend? I never thought of it before… but then I’d never noticed his smell before. It’s not like we’ve ever hugged or touched. We may have fist bumped once or twice to say hello or goodbye, but we usually maintain personal bubbles. Had he not moved in, I would never have known that this young, innocent little boy smelled so fucking amazing.

So now I can’t have Mr. Uptight or Mr. Nice Guy over because my one-bedroom split level apartment doesn’t have enough privacy. I also can’t have sex with Mr. Knight because it would be wrong (since he’s in love with someone else). It is now time to work out other options… I usually bring people to me because this is where my toys are. Now it would seem that travel is required.

Next weekend my plans are to go stay with Mr. Nice Guy on Friday night (he lives in an apartment) and then go see Mr. Uptight during the day (he lives on base and I can’t stay the night but I can visit…) We’ll see how play away from home works out for me…