Role Play

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There is something really sexy about the idea of having sex with someone that you don’t know. The anonymous aspect is just so exciting because it’s irresponsible, dangerous, and stupid.

However, something I learned ages ago with one of my favorite exes is that with a little imagination, you can absolutely have sex with strangers without actually doing it

I used to ask him about the kind of girls that he always wanted to fuck, but would never date. As a geek, he couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn’t read and have an avid interest in science. However, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t into the idea of fucking the kind of girl who –How shall I put this?–  Um, the kind of girl who watches TV shows about celebrities and follows girls who do makeup tutorials on YouTube.

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So I got a blonde wig because stereotypes, and some slutty preppy clothes. I bought some makeup that was in those nude shades real girls wear (rather than my signature purple.) And, I did a glance over some really inane topics of conversation.

Meanwhile, he asked me what kind of guy I wanted to fuck but would never date. That’s actually hard for me because I just go for people who interest me and it doesn’t matter what they are like. I’m one of those annoying people who thinks everyone has redeeming qualities. But, since I got to order up a little variety, I asked for a cowboy. Yes, I insisted on the hat, the boots, and that southern drawl (which I actually think is really sexy under some circumstances because of this court jester from the Renaissance Festival this one time…)

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Anyway, we agreed to “meet” at a bar. Then we got dressed separately (me at a friend’s house.) When I got there, I pulled up a stool at the bar and ordered a drink. A girl down the bar started a conversation with me, and I had to think my character out more than I thought I would have to all of a sudden. Turns out her name was Candy and she was from a small town in Ohio. She came to Phoenix to go to cosmetology school so she could be a hairdresser.

Just when I was running out of information on Candy, a cowboy sidled up to the bar and ordered a whiskey, straight up. He was perfect. My T-shirt wearing geek had transformed into a guy wearing a clothes that actually let you see his abs! He tipped his hat to me and said “Hey there, little lady. Can I buy you a drink?” Of course I ordered the most absurd drink in the bar, filled with enough sugar to kill a horse. (That is what Candy would do, after all.)

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We had a few drinks, and then “Clive” suggested in a perfectly charming way that we go and get ourselves a room for the night. By the time we got back to the room, we were both tipsy and really getting into our characters. And when we had sex, it was just like fucking someone else.

I tell you this because I have a lot of people write to me and say that the passion has gone out of their relationships. They ask what they can do to bring it back. I have lots of suggestions, and have given quite a few in the past. However, this is one of my favorite ways to have a really good night with the person you love. Ironically, it is by pretending to be with someone else. But hey; if it works, it works; you know?

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Tips for Keeping a Sexual Relationship Healthy

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A recent conversation with a friend prompted this post. I don’t know if it will help him, but perhaps it will be helpful to some of you.

Disclaimer: I am half of a poly couple, which means I cheat and get ideas from sex with other people.

In a monogamous relationship, sometimes things can begin to feel stale in the bedroom. In particular, if you live with someone, it can be hard to switch from “comfortable companion mode” to “sexy mode.”

Hours spent comfortably in another person’s presence can get you used to them being around in a non-sexual way. Not the mention the fact that you see a person you live with at their worst, when they are stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea or lying in the dark with a migraine. It can be harder to see someone as a sexual being after seeing them in sweatpants.

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Another problem is the “they’ll be here tomorrow” mentality.  When you live with someone, you see them every day (usually). This means that you might put off initiating sex today, because you can always do it tomorrow. (Pun intended.)

Anyway, here are my ideas to help sexualize your relationship:

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First, most sex therapists recommend setting aside designated sex time. This is a great idea because it takes the pressure off of the person initiating sex. They know that they don’t have to, because you have prearranged to meet in the bedroom at 9pm on Friday and have sex.

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It may not sound very sexy, but it can be. It gives people an excuse to buy candles, lingerie, make a sexy playlist, or whatever they have been thinking about but putting off. It also gives a time and place, so that both parties can mentally prepare. Maybe one of you is showering. Maybe one of you is watching a sexy movie. Whatever. You have a set time, so you can both do thinks you like to get in the mood.

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Second, talking is always the best way to deal with sexual tension (or tension about a lack of sex.) If you are nervous, do this in a way that you think you can handle. Love letters, sexy emails, naughty text messages, and other means of indirect communication can be a good start.

Ideally, you want to move to a place where you can talk in person. For that, I recommend laying in bed cuddling in the dark. You don’t want to try to talk about sex at the dining room table, particularly if you aren’t feeling very sexy. But if you can agree to be in the dark, while maintaining physical contact, it will make it easier to talk about the underlying feelings that led to the bedroom issues in the first place.

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Often as men age, they have more trouble getting erections. This can lead to them feeling ashamed, and women blaming themselves. But it can also be hard to talk about. So get into bed, turn off the lights, and admit:

“I feel less manly because I have trouble getting an erection.”

“I feel like I am too fat or not sexy enough, and like it is my fault.”

You will find that you’re both hurt by a thing that is actually out of your control (it’s just a physical issue with soft tissue not getting enough blood flow.) From there, you can decide what to do. Perhaps you decide to just both put more effort into foreplay and not focus so much on penetration. Perhaps you decide to see a doctor and get medication. Whatever. Work it out together, and you will both be better for it.

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Third, try new stuff. If this means reading blogs like mine to get ideas, okay. If it means watching porn, okay. It doesn’t matter where you get your ideas. At a place called the CSPC is Seattle, they often have workshops on things like Erotic Massage or Impact Play, and classes in new things can be very helpful, so that when you try them you feel confident.

You can try toys. Or, there is always role play. Sexy clothes can be fun, too.

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My point is; if you try new things and don’t like them that’s okay. You don’t have to try role play and find out that you want to do it all the time for it to help your relationship. Just the act of trying new things together can be a sharing experience that makes you both feel more connected and in touch with each other.

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Fourth, try working out. If you find that you’re not in the mood as often as you used to be, this could very well be a hormone issue. Both men and women produce more testosterone when they work out, and this is a hormone associated with desire to have sex.

Besides, it’s possible that some of the lack of sex you’re having is due to the body issues of one or both parties. That is a completely valid feeling, particularly in a culture that sexualizes twigs passing themselves off as human. It’s common to feel ugly or unattractive, which can lead to not wanting to have sex. So if you burn a few extra calories, maybe it will help?

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Related to this is compliments. If you are concerned that your partner is feeling unattractive, or even if you are not, it never hurts to compliment them. Passing observations like “I like your hair today” or “That shirt looks good on you” are awesome. But you can also do more sexy compliments where you come up behind your partner and whisper in their ear. Things like “When you wear that, I want to tear all your clothes off” or “Seeing you standing here looking beautiful makes me so proud to be with you” can be useful tools to help your partner feel sexy.

And remember, when you and your partner both feel sexy, you’ll have better sex more often.

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Finally, you can always seek counseling. Most people feel uncomfortable seeking counseling for sex, because it’s such a taboo topic to talk about. However, if you are having trouble maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, then you are going to struggle as a couple. So put your fears aside, and think about seeing someone for help and advice.

No matter what you do, remember that you both have the same goal. You want to have a happy relationship, and a part of that is sex.

I would hope that anyone who reads my blog is smart enough to know the basics: Women don’t cum from penetration, everyone deserves an orgasm in sex, it doesn’t have to be centered around the male orgasm, etc. The shared goal of mutual pleasure is an important component to a relationship, and resentment can build up when you go long periods without having sex. So keep calm, remember you both want the same thing, and then figure out how to get what you want.

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Fetish Series: Review

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It’s been fun doing a series that explores some fetishes in the kink community. I hope you have enjoyed reading! I know that there are about a million more fetishes that we didn’t talk about, and new ones pop up all the time.

However, I just wanted to touch on some of the most talked about fetishes and explore what a fetish is.

If you have suggestions for future posts about a specific fetish, e-mail them to me and I will consider them.

For now, let’s go back to my regular writing about kink life.

Fetish Series posts:

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One: Age play.

(A discussion of different kinds of play related to age as a fetish.)

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Two: Swinging & Orgies.

(A discussion of swinging, orgies, and other forms of group play.)

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Three: Clothes.

(A discussion of various clothing-related fetishes.)

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Four: Impact Play.

(A discussion of whips, paddles, and spankings.)

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Five: Bondage.

(A discussion of bondage and various ways to go about it.)

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Six: Role Play.

(A discussion of types of role play a couple/group might engage in.)

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Seven: Bodily Fluids.

(A discussion of body fluids as a fetish, from blood to scat.)

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Eight: Pushing Boundaries.

(A discussion of more extreme things that are fetisized by some.)

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Nine: Pictures and video.

(A discussion of pictures and video as a fetish, and why you should be cautios of this.)

Make sure to like and comment on the ones you thought were the most interesting!

Fetish Series: Role Play

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Role Play is another enormous group of things, and as with everything else in this series, vanilla people do it too.

A vanilla example of role play would be something like this:

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A husband and wife are bored of talking about/doing the same old things. They plan to meet at a bar, but both pretend to be different people. Maybe Sally the Housewife turns into Candy the stripper, and Dan the Accountant turns into Bob the Fireman.

They flirt as different people, go home as different people, and have sex as different people. This helps fulfill the desire for variety that can be difficult to satisfy in a monogamous relationship, and it can also just be fun to try on a new persona for the night.

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However, some people like very specific things. I once got asked to join a threesome dressed as Black Widow, where the other two participants would be Hawkeye and Captain America (though Captain America was going to be played by a girl with a strap-on.) I was down for the idea, but had already scheduled an event out of town when they visited. I am still disappointed that I missed it.

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Still, this is a perfect example of a very fetish-specific form of role play. In this case, the fetish was comic books. However, it could just as easily have been role play of elves, animals, or incestuous family members. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of fetishes.

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The most maligned of all role play fetishes that you see in media/culture is furries.

Furries are people who like to dress as animals to meet, date, and have sex. This seems to attract negative attention as a fetish for a few reasons. First, the suits are expensive. A good furry suit can cost more than $1,000. So I think discriminatory people find the cost extreme for what they consider to be a “sex thing” (though like with many fetishes it’s really more of a lifestyle thing.) I also think people find furries an easy target because they think dressing up as an animal has to cross some line in culture where everyone can just agree that it is wrong. They find furries easy to point to and say “but that is weird!”

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I would argue that it’s actually a really neat fetish. You don’t have to be self-conscious, because no matter what you look like, you’re hidden in a suit. So if you don’t like your height, weight, nose, or anything else; that’s okay because all anyone sees is a sexy fox or a cute raccoon.

Plus, many furries don’t exchange real names, instead staying in character as their animal. So it’s also anonymous sex, which many people find exciting. You don’t know if the person you are having sex with is young or old, or what they look like. I think glory holes appeal to the same sort of call of the mysterious.

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Obviously the most prominent role play in the kink community is the power exchange between a dominant party and a submissive party. This is the underlying role play that we all do in our relationships, and what makes sex more fun for us than when it is just vanilla.

Sure, sometimes we role play the kidnapper and the hostage. Some folks enjoy rape play. Some enjoy race play. And there is an underlying power dynamic that is generally involved in these types of role play.

However, at the end of the day, we all role play master and servant, or dom and sub, or mistress and pet. That is really the very essence of what the kink community is all about.

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Fetish Series: Age Play

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There’s actually a lot of fetishes covered in the term “Age Play.” So let’s start by breaking them down:

1. Adult Baby Play: This is when someone actually wants to be treated as a baby, including diaper changes and bottle feedings.

2. Daddy/Daughter Play: This is pretty common in the community, but not all “daughters” consider themselves to be “Littles.”

3. Littles: These are people who identify as young children, and have the fetish of being cared for by a loving parent.

4. General Age Play: Any role play where the people are different ages, such as a student and teacher.

Note: Of course there are millions of fetishes, and I can’t talk about every single one. Within the category of “Age Play,” these are some of the bigger subcategories, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.

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“Age Play” is an umbrella for a lot of fetishes. To begin, what is Adult Baby Play? A website called The Daily Diaper offers a lot of good insight and stories, as well as a “personals” section for hookups, (if you’re interested.)

To start, let’s understand that to role play being a baby is to get in touch with a very primal part of yourself. These are people who are looking for bottle feedings, spankings, and to be admired and cared for like babies are.

When you think about it, this fetish sounds sort of comforting. Babies do get a lot of love and attention, and we all enjoy those things, right?

Note: Some vanilla psychiatrists see this as a reaction to not being loved enough as a baby. However, I think all of us can realize that there are plenty of people with good lives and happy childhoods who are part of the kink community. The idea that there has to be something wrong with you for you to enjoy kink is really offensive to me.

So, remember not to let vanilla doctors define your ideas of people in the community. Yes, some of us have issues that we are working out. But I know that for me personally, my kink is unrelated to the issues that I am working out as a human in the world. My kink is not a symptom of “being fucked up.” I just want to make that clear.

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Daddy/Daughter is often lumped in with Littles, but they are definitely different in the eyes of the people who have those fetishes. As the blog “A Little Understanding” explains, there is plenty of room for distinction.

Those who enjoy Daddy/Daughter play see it as an extension of the Sub/Dom dynamic. The “daughters” identify feelings of submission with feelings of being young or vulnerable. The “daddies” identify feelings of dominance with a sort of male nurturing instinct. And so, this results in the Daddy/Daughter relationship.

For some, there is an element of incest involved. So, there are some “daughters” who play the molested child role and squeal “Daddy, you’re not supposed to touch me there!” The taboo is attractive to these people. However, it should be noted that not all Daddy/Daughter relationships are like this. Many sort of gloss over the incest aspect, rationalizing that they are “adopted” or some other story to disassociate the play with the idea of incest.

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Another type of Age Play is the community of people who call themselves “Littles.” These are people who self-identify as children for some or all of the time. The picture above is of a Little in her room. Note the pajamas with feet, the teddy bear, and the pacifier. Littles often ask their mommy or daddy to buy them things, and they often create bedrooms that look like a child lives there. On the website Little Space Online, you can read personal ads and read message boards, if you want more information.

The important thing to remember is that it isn’t about the Sub/Dom dynamic the way that Daddy/Daughter play is. There are all kinds of Littles, but a defining feature is that they spend as much time in the “Little head-space” as they can, and don’t like to spend time in their “Adult head-space” where they are unhappy.

In a similar way to Daddy/Daughter Play, this is not a fetish about incest. Some people may make it about that, but the vast majority of the community glosses over that aspect, because it doesn’t interest them. I would consider incest to be a completely separate fetish that can occur concurrently with Little play, but often does not.

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There are a lot of other age-related fetishes besides the main ones above. For example, many people enjoy role-playing a “student/teacher” dynamic. As a former teacher, I have never found this one very amusing, but I get it. Lots of people had a crush on one of their teachers in High School or college.

Most people think the Lolita phenomenon that is popular in Asia is considered a type of age play. However, all the Lolita girls that I have met are not role-playing being children, and simply enjoying dressing like them. There is no accompanying head-space for them.

Sometimes you have an age difference in a relationship that can feel a little like age play at times. A friend was dating someone old enough to be her grandfather, and while she mostly ignored the age difference, sometimes it crept into her perspective. She was the submissive in the relationship, but whenever a situation would remind her of her boyfriend’s age, she felt like the Domme for a second because she felt like she was caring for him and helping him understand a world that had passed him by.

Similarly, I am married to someone much younger than me. My son is actually pretty upset with me over this (but he should get over it because if I was a man no one would care.) I don’t often think of my husband as younger. However, sometimes I realize that he is when he says or does something, and I have a weird moment of feeling more like a mom than a wife. I try and push that feeling away pretty quickly though, because that doesn’t happen to be my kink.

So, there are a lot of things that the term “Age Play” covers, and we all have various levels of interest in various aspects of the fetishes.

Mainly, I would ask that if you meet someone who enjoys any of the fetishes above, please don’t judge. You may not be personally interested in their kink, but you should do your best to be understanding.

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Introduction to Fetishes

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Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support. 

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

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Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone  who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

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A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

From the movie "The Craft," here's a 90's Goth girl, just like I was.

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex  yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting  when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!