Fetish Series: Bondage

Wife ties up husband in bed, so she can have a good sleep

 

I am going to start with the joke that isn’t funny (above). Do not ever restrain your partner and then leave them, unless this is a pre-arranged situation and they have an abandonment fetish. Even then, you need to be close by to monitor the situation in case there is a fire, the house is broken into, a swam of bees gets in the house, etc…

Seriously, it’s not funny to handcuff your partner to the bed and then leave. I see this all the time in TV/movies/cartoons/culture presented as a hilarious joke, but it’s really not amusing, okay?

BDSM motto: “Safe, sane, and consensual.”

Period.

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Now again, every vanilla person has handcuffed a sexual partner at some point. So like all things, there is a gradient of kink here. Handcuffs really aren’t very kinky, because kink is about sexual taboo, and about things outside of the normal.

So what else is there?

Well first, I recommend anyone even considering cuffs use leather instead of metal. This is because they won’t cause permanent damage to a submissive or the furniture. It’s just a better way to go.

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You can use a series of leather cuffs to bind a person, and it is a quick and easy way to ensure that they are unable to move. Wrist and ankle cuffs are the most common, but obviously you can get them in various sizes, and with various lengths of chain/straps to connect them.

This isn’t necessarily an elegant way to bind someone, but it is easy to get in and out of, and it doesn’t require a significant commitment of time or effort.

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Probably the most beautiful and elegant way to bind someone is shibari, or Japanese rope bondage. This is a skill that takes practice, and it is definitely fancy enough to be considered an art form.

Because any kind of rope bondage can be dangerous (cutting off circulation to limbs can cause permanent damage) I recommend learning from people who really know what they are doing. Both the Knotty Boys and Twisted Monk offer wonderful video tutorials.

People who become very skilled in this art will sometimes also do rope suspensions from hard points in the ceiling. However, again, this takes a lot of practice and is not for beginners.

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One way to learn things like Shibari and suspensions is through your community, so make sure to check your local resources. Some cities have awesome public dungeons that you can visit like the CSPC (which contains a learning annex), and even small towns have members on Fetlife.com who can help you find a workshop to go to.

Remember, don’t be shy. Use the local resources in your community to learn about BDSM safely! I know that at first you might feel nervous about it, but do it anyway.

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If you would rather, there are body suits you can buy for bondage. Some are leather, and some are latex. Both are very popular, and indeed, some people have fetishes just based around the wearing of leather/latex.

However, if the material doesn’t matter to you, then you can simulate the same kind of thing with plastic wrap. It is cheap, but very restrictive.  I would ask that you be careful to ensure that your submissive has plenty of circulation to all body parts, and also that you make sure to have a cutting tool on hand.

As long as you keep those things in mind, it’s a fun option for full-body bondage.

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There is all kinds of furniture designed for bondage. Above is a spanking bench, but there are also stockades, spanking poles, and all kinds of other options.

Making your own is typically cheaper, as it is rare that you can find such things for purchase, and when you do the price is typically steep.

So, you might want to take a basic carpentry class is furniture is your thing. It will save you money/effort in the long run, and carpentry is an easy and fun hobby.

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Perhaps also in the category of furniture is cages. You can typically find these for purchase because cages are used for dogs, and also for larger animals in zoos. Specialty pet stores will often have fancy options, and also your basic kennels available.

However, you can also weld your own, or purchase some that are specifically intended for kink. My friend Steve Haworth happens to do this, and makes very cool round cages that come in two parts which fit together.

In any case, cages are another form of bondage that you may be interested in.

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Gags are also a popular form of bondage. Remember, if you use them, you will need a non-verbal safe word of some kind. Please decide this before play.

There are several kinds of gags. I am going to go ahead and say that ball gags are only for looks. They are way too easy for a bratty sub to spit out. If you like the look, I won’t fault you.

However, if you actually want to gag someone and have them stay gagged, I recommend a spider gag. They also look cool, and no sub is spitting those out!

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This all seems very elaborate, and maybe some people feel that such elaborate apparatus are going “over the top.” I would remind you that all these things can be fun if you are willing to give them a try, but that it’s perfectly fine if you are lazy like me and typically just bind someone with gear ties. (Yes, I really do.) Bondage can be fancy and it is often beautiful when it is. But of course, it doesn’t have to be.

Remember there are often a thousand ways to do something, and they can all be fun.

Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay!

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Rope Bondage

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Lately, I have been asked a lot about how to get better at rope bondage. I must admit, rope bondage isn’t something I do. I have talked before about how I prefer gear ties and cuffs. However, I have nothing but respect for those who practice this noble art.

Because I can’t tell you a lot about how to do it, I wanted to give you some resources:

The Two Knotty Boys are wonderful! I saw them do a show at the CSPC in Seattle, and I can’t tell you how impressed I was. They move with a style and grace that is rivaled by few.

My other recommendation is Twisted Monk. They can give you good ideas. If you visit their page, you’ll find lots of useful instructional videos that you can watch and practice along with. If you want to learn the art of rope bondage, these are some men who can help.

Please remember to keep safety in mind. One of the reasons I don’t do rope bondage is because I worry about missing the signs and causing damage to my rope bunny. Remember to keep something handy to cut ropes fast, just in case a toe starts turning blue!

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Memories

This week I stayed home and hung out with Mr. Knight. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go hunt down the boys, since the sex just isn’t exciting to me. The problem with spending too much time in the kink community is, it ruins you for vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong- now and again I have had some vanilla sex that was pretty good and made me happy. It does happen. However, for the most part, it’s not as exciting as it should be.

I am a Switch, though I tend to be a Domme. What that means is, I tend to take charge of a situation, but in rare cases, I can submit to people that I deem worthy. So this week while I was watching Sherlock Holmes and drinking with Mr. Knight, I let my mind wander back to better sex and wonder about how to find someone new to play with so that I can sate the monster inside.

My favorite play partner in a long time, I shall call Mr. Bond. His job was in Military Intelligence, and we’ll leave it at that. It’s just that a spy named seemed appropriate since he really did join hoping to be James Bond. (Not that it worked out that way or anything, but you know; the thought was there.)

Mr. Bond was only twenty one when I met him, but brilliant. He solved puzzles incredibly quickly and managed to also have a good social IQ, which I find to be a very impressive combination of skills. More importantly, he had the quality I need in a Dom. He was the kind of person who focused completely on his partner while having sex. He was selfless, considerate, and able to pick up on the slightest change in breathing or movement of a limb- then extrapolate the meaning behind it. In other words, he could read my mind.

Oh course, one does not need to read my mind. I speak. I am very vocal about what I want in bed and everywhere else. However, the ability to read a lover’s mind is still really important in BDSM. What if they are tied up and gagged? You need to still be able to evaluate their responses so you can make sure they aren’t having a bad experience. I can do this, and I only submit to others who can do it too.

I can not tell you how much fun Mr. Bond was. He learned Shibari just because I asked him to. And, because he’s a genius at puzzles, he learned a bunch of knots in a single week. He came over one weekend and I mentioned that I’d like him to check it out to tie me up with. The following weekend he brought several lengths of silk rope over and showed me all the cool knots he’d learned. I guess he practiced by tying himself and things in his barracks up. I have never been more impressed with anyone in a BDSM sense than I was with Mr. Bond just then.

Because I grew up on the streets, I am often accused of being somewhat heartless and cold. I grew a tough exterior out of self-defense, but it has remained in place and it serves me well as a Domme. I tend to control a situation out of instinct, because in the past, things left to chance went very badly for me. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not, but it’s very hard for me to drop the shell and be anything but a strong, powerful woman. To do it, I must be very impressed by the person I am with. That is a rare thing, and Mr. Bond is one of only two people I have ever submitted to. He was impressive enough that I found it very easy to fall at his feet.

Sadly, Mr. Bond left recently. Such is the nature of the military. They do not stick around long. Since then I have been trying to hunt up fun play partners, but even though I am looking through fetlife, I can’t seem to find anyone very kinky. Well, I guess Mr. Nice Guy is kinky… but I just can’t bring myself to beat him. And Mr. Uptight is on fetlife, but I can’t figure out why since he doesn’t seem kinky at all. I’ve tried to talk about it with him (and write extensive e-mails about it since he doesn’t seem okay with talking in person) but thus far, I can’t really get much out of him. Some people are so hard to talk to!

I will write a post some time about talking to your kinky partner. Scene negotiation is super-hard sometimes, because people are often embarrassed or have trouble talking about what they want. Getting them to talk is the key to having fun, so I have several methods I use to try to force people to communicate. I’ll devote a whole post to it soon.

For now, I guess I’ll just chill out and patiently wait until the Physicist gets here, because he sounds interesting.

Things to keep in mind about rope

Silk Rope

Here is some silk rope from Twisted Monk.

So I was talking about rope with someone, and I realized that is something I should write about.

First, I recommend hemp. I prefer the feel of silk rope and I have some coils of it right now, but it tends to unravel around the edges after a few years. Hemp is stronger and holds together better.

You only really need rope if you’re doing some fancy stuff, because I use kimono ties for light bondage and that’s fine. If you just want to tie someone up, almost anything will do. But if you want to get serious about making it look cool or about doing a rope suspension, then you need some good rope.

As to where you should get it, please don’t just go to a hardware store and try to find some! Pick up the good stuff, or you’ll regret it later. I recommend Twisted Monk, as they have loads of great rope and rope resources. Whatever you use, please be careful and keep something on hand to cut the rope with in case your submissive freaks out. I would highly recommend you get a rescue hook (see picture below).

This is good because you slide it under the rope and cut out, so it’s impossible to cut your submissive while untying them. They’re not very expensive and they’re handy tools when you need to end a scene quickly.

Climbing rescue hook

Used mostly by climbers who need to free themselves from a tangled line, this is what you want when you need to free a submissive quickly.

Another thing to keep in mind about rope is to never go too tight. It’s like breath play: You really should be careful because you don’t want to permanently damage your submissive. So please remember to be safe when playing with rope, okay kids?