Face-to-Face

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Most of the time, I try to have sex with other kinky people. However, sometimes there are limiting factors. For example, when I lived in South Korea the kink community was pretty small, and no one in my town was in it. If I wanted someone to hang out during the work week, I needed to find a person to date in my own town.

So I found a vanilla guy who was nice. Now of course, I wrote in the Orientation Series about how sometimes kinky people enjoy a little vanilla sex, so this should not shock you. However, it turns out that having vanilla sex with kinky people is different than having vanilla sex with vanilla people.

Or at least, it was for me.

This guy wanted me to look into his eyes during penetration. Now I will admit up front that penetration isn’t my  favorite part of sex. I am female. That’s not how we get off. My favorite part of sex is the part where I get off, just like everyone else. However, beyond that, I don’t actually know why people look into each other’s eyes during penetration. His answer of “you just do” really wasn’t sufficient, but he was indignant that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

In fact, perhaps “indignant” doesn’t cover it. He said I had serious psychological issues and that I needed to see a therapist because I wasn’t “normal.” It was very hurtful.

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You might think “What is the big deal? Why didn’t you just open your eyes?”

Well, the answer to that is simple: I open my eyes when it makes sense to me to do so. If I am running a scene, I need my eyes open. I can’t hit something that I can’t see, after all. I sometimes have my eyes open to watch someone go down on me, as well. During threesomes and orgies you mostly need your eyes open so you can make sure not to bump into others…

These are all good reasons to open your eyes.

I even have moments where I can remember that it felt really passionate to lock eyes. For example, once my husband and I were sharing a girl we both really liked. We locked eyes over her chest, and there was a lifetime of words and thoughts in that single, perfect moment. I was happy on my own, and he was happy on his own, but together we were somehow so much happier than we could have been on our own because we were sharing the experience together.

So there are lots of times that I open my eyes during various parts of sex.

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However, during the penetration part I don’t tend to open my eyes.

There are about a million reasons and there is no need to detail them all. For me, I think it all boils down to the fact that I just don’t find that part of sex exciting. I can enjoy it. Particularly if I just had an orgasm, it can feel good while my clit is still swollen. However, there just aren’t a lot of nerves in the vagina and I always think of the penetration part of being, you know, for the guy.

Think of it this way:

Lesbian porn is all about girls fingering other girls and penetrating them with toys, right? Because men run the porn industry and men can only think of sex in terms of penetration. They desperately need to think that we love that part of sex.

And yet actual lesbian sex is nothing like that. When two girls get together, it’s more about kissing, licking and touching various areas of skin, and going down on each other. Sometimes a finger or two might go in here or there, but lesbians rarely bother with any toys. That’s because for women, sex centers around our orgasms. And in spite of all the nonsense men are taught, we have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.

So I guess the reason I don’t want to look a guy in the eyes during penetrative sex is mainly because it’s forcing me to play into his fantasy. If my eyes are closed I can be in my own world thinking about sexy things so that I can feel aroused. If I open my eyes, I have to stare into his and pretend that penetration is my favorite part because all my genitalia really want is a big, hard penis inside.

And look, I don’t want to have to cater to male fragility in bed.

I feel the same way about penetrative sex with a guy as they feel about going down on me. Exactly the same. Whatever thoughts a man has had about going down on a girl; those are the thoughts I have about the penetration part. I’m not going to get off from it. But, I am turned on by thinking that I am helping you have an orgasm. Sometimes I am bored because you take forever. Blah Blah same shit men think about going down on a woman.

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Staying Friends

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I try to always keep in touch with people who have meant a lot to me. And in particular, anyone who I have had sex with. After all, the many men and women who have had sex with me have seen me with my guard down. They know things and understand things about me that others may not. Plus, I think it is a sign of being a mature adult when you can handle seeing your exes socially.

And yet, not too long ago I told one of them to fuck off.

His name was “Pretty;” a nickname given by my friends because he was stunningly beautiful (and in their mind it was his only positive feature.) He and I had dated for the better part of 15 years. However, I refused to ever make him a primary because he was volatile and unpleasant around others. He mostly didn’t date other people at all for the 15 years he and I were together, and I mostly kept him as my “honored second.” (I did take a break a few times when he got really nuts.)

Over the years, I put up with him refusing to see a psychiatrist in spite of his problems. If I had to guess, I would diagnose him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety. But of course, we will never know since he wouldn’t talk to someone. I watched him alienate everyone who tried to befriend him or date him for 15 years, and I patiently caught him when he fell. I even bought him a motorcycle and rented him an apartment when he failed at providing for himself. I paid his bills sometimes when he was short now and then, too.

However, he lied to me and betrayed me.

In my mind, that was that. I grieved for the relationship, and I let it go.

Recently he tried to contact me again. I thought of how I try to renew contact with exes after the mourning period, and how it would be mature of me to try to make nice. I thought of how he had been at so many of my shows and events that I had thrown, and he knew all my best stories. I thought of how he is unable to maintain relationships and so he must be lonely.

And then I told him no.

And you know what?

It was the right thing to do.

Yes, it was hard. But the thing is, he never did anything but throw tantrums in public, ask for money, and make poor decisions. And in the end he betrayed me in spite of all of my kindness. I realized that some exes should not be invited back into your life. Some of them really shouldn’t have been in your life in the first place.

The truth is, you can’t “fix” people, and you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.

It’s too bad, but that’s the end of that. Goodbye “Pretty.”

 

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Talking About Sex: Part Two

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Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

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Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.


Note
: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them. People can be very sensitive about sex.

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Parts of a Scene

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A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

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Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

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Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do.  Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

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Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

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Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

Cheating is Everywhere

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I bought a couch the other day off Craigslist. I went to see it, and I liked it. But I didn’t have a truck with me. So, I talked with the guy a while until I was sure I trusted him enough to leave him a down payment (so he wouldn’t sell it to someone else) while I went and got myself a way to move it.

When we talked, he told me about his wife and daughter of seven, and how his job as a pilot often took him away from them. As a military spouse, I empathized. He seemed to genuinely love his family.

A few hours later I came back to pick up the couch. I had my friend with me. She immediately recognized the guy, and then an awkward silence followed. She told me as soon as we were alone that she used to place Craigslist ads for kinky meetups, and had dated this guy for a while earlier in the year after he answered one of her ads.

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So this guy spent 20 minutes earlier in the day talking about how much he missed his wife and daughter and how much he loved his family. But then I found out that he was lying to his wife and cheating on her with my friend.

I know that studies show cheating is rampant in “monogamous” relationships, but I just can’t believe how often it comes up in my life.

My husband is a sailor and most of his shipmates are married. Yet when they get to a port that isn’t their home port, most of them make a beeline for the brothels. And who knows? If I didn’t get tested every 6 months because we are in a poly relationship, maybe my husband would too. He knows he can’t- because the chance of getting an STD are so high from a prostitute, and since I get STD tests from all my partners I would know anything we got would be from him.

But if he was with a woman who was less conscious of sex and sexuality, maybe he would join his “happily married” co-workers at the brothels.

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I know a lot of couples who claim to be monogamous, but there are only a few whom I would guess actually are. So many people lie about it, and so I had to think about why.

My guess is this: I think talking about sex is scary for people. I also think society forces the idea of monogamy as an ideal onto us, even though it is not our biological instinct. And I think the combination of those factors make people feel like they have to lie rather than simply admitting that one partner isn’t always enough.

This is probably why I write about polyamory so much. I want people to know that it’s okay. Having sex with people other than your partner is totally possible in a consensual way. But you have to be honest with each other. You can’t lie about it. You have to talk about it and set limits and boundaries and find your comfort zones.

I guess I hope that if I just keep writing about it, more people will be exposed to the idea and eventually it won’t be so taboo. Because right now, people are sneaking around and this is helping STDs spread, and fostering a battle of the sexes and a lot of negativity and divorce. It’s out of hand.

I hope the pilot who sold me the couch tells his wife some day that he is cheating with women off Craigslist and they work it out. I hope all the military husbands stop sleeping with hookers when they are away some day. I hope people figure out how to have sex responsibly without putting their relationships in jeopardy some day.

But today does not seem to be that day.

 

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Watching My Husband Have Sex

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One of the things people talk about when they advocate for monogamy is about picturing their lovers having sex with someone else. They say they simply can not handle the thought; that it is too awful to think about. Often, in a relationship, the parties involved begin to feel a sort of ownership of each other, and of course this extends to sex.

In fact, I have seen jealousy in the many extremes over the course of my lifetime. Once, a member of my D&D party found himself kicked out of his home by his girlfriend. I offered my couch as a place to stay until he sorted out what to do, and inadvertently opened myself up to the private details of his relationship as they continued to fight in my hallway long after he had moved out. He was vocal about he details.

It seems that she felt that even looking at another woman on the street was cheating, as was watching pornography and talking to other girls. When they had been together, she had gone so far as to “supervise” our D&D quests, sitting in while not playing just to make sure he wasn’t looking at any of the female players while he played his character.

It is not my wish to judge this type of relationship. Cheating is whatever you and your partner agree to, and that can be anything from emotional connections with others to physical love. It can be anything from your subscription to Playboy, to talking to a female coworker. And where you set limits in your relationship is none of my business.

However, I would like to say that just as I am willing to respect your right to consider pornography cheating if you wish, I think it’s also important to consider the other side of things. Perhaps my standards for what is considered “cheating” can be equally valid to your own?

With that said, I happen to really enjoy watching my husband have sex with people other than myself.

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For us, cheating is defined as lying to the other person about a relationship. It’s fine to form emotional attachments with other people (I was rather attached to my recent boyfriends in Portland, and he’s been attached to many of his lovers as well.) But we were always honest about it.

I think we knew at some point along the way that we share a bond that is unique for both of us; one of mutual love and respect that is somehow deeper than other attachments that we form. I couldn’t explain why. It’s still too new for me to understand. It will be three years in the spring, and in that time I can’t say I’ve ever really figured out how it works. We are just alike in a way that is fundamental to who we are, and it allows us to understand each other in a way that is comfortable and fun for us both.

As it turns out, we both enjoy going to sex cubs, having threesomes, and other variants on “traditional” sex. And this has allowed me opportunities to see my husband in ways that I couldn’t see him if we were exclusive. I have been able to watch him whisper in another girl’s ear during an orgy, telling her that she was beautiful and asking if she would like to have sex. And I have been able to watch her giggle and say yes, and then to see him take her in his arms and watch how things played out. Seeing him so completely enthralled in what he was doing at the time; the way he forgot about the room full of people and saw only her… and to see him so focused, in a way he never is about anything but sex…

To me, it was fascinating. And certainly it made him seem more attractive to me. Here were these beautiful girls, far prettier than me, excited to have sex with him. Moaning in pleasure. Laying back, closing their eyes, and giving themselves over to the moment…

When I see my husband that way, it reminds me how beautiful he is. It makes the silly things fade away. Yes, he drops food on the floor when he eats. Yes, he will leave all his clothes in a pile (clean and dirty!), smelling them to see if he can wear them. He has habits that I find perplexing or don’t entirely understand. But those are silly things. What do they really matter?

Another occasion where we had a threesome with a stunningly beautiful girl in Korea, I was watching them have sex after I had played with her, and I was amazed at how they were more beautiful than people in a porn. And yet here they were, giving me this little private show. And I got to see them at their most vulnerable, and in such a state of being laid bare before me, in every sense. And they were just gorgeous.

It’s not the same as the cuckold phenomenon, where a person enjoys being deprived while their partner engages in sexual contact with someone else. I couldn’t find a name for our fetish. We just enjoy seeing every aspect of one another. We like to see how we each behave, from up close and at a distance. And we like to see other people be charmed by each other.

All I know is, when I watch people have sex with my husband, or fall in love with my husband, or laugh at his jokes even; I am proud beyond words. And it reminds me how great he is, and how lucky I am to have him. It reminds me that his good points far outweigh anything bad, and that the relationship will always be worth the effort I put in, because I get so much back.

Lately I have been on a military base around a lot of monogamous people who think that my husband and I can’t possible love each other, because we have an open relationship. And this does seem to be a common view. But somehow, for us, it is the opposite. We love each other more, because other people love us too.

So I guess that I’m just asking once again for tolerance. Everyone is different, and each relationship is unique. Let’s remember that, and try to respect everyone’s unique view of life.

 

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The Best

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Recently, one of my Portland pets asked me how he rated compare to other guys I had slept with. He said: “Tell me I am in the top 5 at least.”

I do not know if other people rank the people they sleep with. But I do not. I find the entire concept ridiculous. After all, variety is the spice of life and everyone fills different needs for me. In general I have trouble switching with the same person. I’m not good at going from the role of domme to the role of sub with a single individual. So for me, if a person is a good submissive then I appreciate them for that. And on rare occasions I find someone who can be a Dom for me, and when I do I enjoy that. And then you meet those amazing people who are really good at going down on girls and who can make you cum over and over. And those are great too, (sometimes even good enough for me to write about).

And of course I love sex with women a little more than sex with men, as I have always leaned in the female direction when it comes to attraction, so there’s that whole thing to consider too.

Anyway, it’s just an unfair question to ask someone how you rank in their little black book. It’s one of the many unfair questions that women get asked, along with questions from guys about if their penises are big enough. (What the hell are we supposed to say to that?!)

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I really think it’s not fair to ask how you rate to another person when it comes to sex. And you shouldn’t have to anyway! If you have good chemistry and the sex is great, then you should both just know it without saying anything. If you have to ask, it probably didn’t shake the Earth for me.

So I tried to avoid the question about a million different ways before finally making some shit up. I don’t remember what I said, but it was some platitude about being in the top 20 or so. I think out of around 200 people, anyone should take that as a compliment, but of course he was hurt that he wasn’t THE BEST.

I couldn’t help but think that other people often try to get you to fix their insecurities for them. Little do they realize, no one can fix your insecurities but you.

So take some advice from a magically delicious super slut; never ask where you rank. Just don’t do it.

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