Orientation Series: Sexual

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So far in the orientation series, we have talked about kink/vanilla, gender identity, and poly/monogamous people. The last pizza of the puzzle is a person’s sexual orientation.

Here is some of the things considered to be sexual orientations:

Straight: Attracted to the opposite sex.

Gay: Attracted to the same sex.

Bisexual: Attracted to men and women.

Pansexual: Attracted to everything.

Asexual: Not really attracted enough to anything to want to have sex.

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Now, these are narrow boxes created by narrow people. That means they don’t cover all the shades of sexual orientation that there are. For example, my husband is Heteroflexible. This means that he is mostly attracted to women, but he is also kind of just down to fuck. If there was a line of people of various genders, he would go for the female ones. But, if there is not a willing woman about or if the mood strikes, well then, whatever.

The most important thing to remember about orientation is to not let people force you into a box. People are fluid and adaptable, and they do not belong in boxes. If you are a lesbian who is mostly into girls, but you think you might want to have sex with a boy, then don’t let your lesbian girlfriends dissuade you! Try it. Maybe you’ll like it.

My sexual orientation out of gate was straight. This is because before puberty I still considered myself a boy, rather than what I am now (a boy living in a girl’s body.) And before puberty, I only had eyes for women. There was this girl named Samantha that I can remember wanting to kiss so bad that I thought the whole world must be able to hear my thoughts creaming out of me. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and touch all of her skin and breathe in her smell. She was tall, blonde, and extremely pretty. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything.

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I never got Samantha to give me the time of day, but I did find my very own pretty blonde when I was twelve. Her name was Summer, and she actually looked a lot like Samantha. We messed around every time she slept over.

Back then, I never looked at boys. I saw them as friends, but not as anything to be interested in. Girls at school talked about this or that famous boy being hot, and I was unable to think of anything to say. My celebrity Crush was Cindy Crawford. Then later, Angelina Jolie.

I went though puberty the summer before High School (which is really late, and I like to think my sheer determination to be a boy is what delayed it a few years). I started to unwillingly take on some female traits, because as I have said, form sometimes dictates behavior. You might be a boy inside, but you become at least partly female once you start getting periods and realize the enormous burden that your body is dictating that you must carry.

Periods. Birth Control. Pregnancy. Menopause. Holey shit.

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In High School I experimented with dating boys. It didn’t really fit. But then, sex with girls hadn’t exactly fit either (since I couldn’t have sex with them the way I instinctively thought that I should.)

However, I can’t remember being attracted to a boy until college. His name is not important. We called him “Pretty.” He was annoying as hell, but he was so delightfully feminine. He didn’t grow hair on his face because he was Native American. He had soft angles and curves. He wore his hair long. And, he was a moody little bitch. I was in love at first sight. Somehow his feminine qualities made it make sense.

After awhile, I started to genuinely appreciate men. I mean, I still don’t check them out in the streets. I never got that far. And I do still turn my head every time for a pretty woman. BUT, there is something about sex with men that is easy and fun. Their bits fit bits fit with my bits, and if I don’t think about it too much, I can just be in my body instead of in my head.

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However, I have found myself attracted to all sorts of people. Sometimes it’s pheromones (like the court jester I ran away with this one time.)  Sometimes it’s an intellectual attraction, like my rocket scientist. And sometimes it’s just convenient and easy and who cares cuz sex is fun?

I mean, sometimes I think people overthink it too much because it’s just sex. I have had sex with most of my friends, and it’s just one of those things were you think “I wonder what it would be like?” And, if it’s bad, of well. We move on because I am a goddamn adult and I can do that. Sometimes it’s good, and it becomes a thing we just do whenever we are in the same place and it’s not a big deal.

However, I respect that some people really just NEED to be in a box. Those people tend to pick a label, ignore all feelings to the contrary, and try to stick with their entire lives. And hey, that’s cool. If you want to be in a box then you should be. However, I notice that these people can sometimes be really judgmental about people like me. So for those of you who really love to cling to your label and only be one thing: I am totally cool with that. But, you know, leave me alone about what I am into. Because, like, it’s just everything.

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Orientation Series: Introduction

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There are a lot of components to a person’s sexual identity. I have watched a lot of people go through various struggles as they tried to sort out who they were, and I have gone through my own as well. So, I thought it might be fun to do a series on the various aspects of a person’s sexuality.

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Kink:

Some people are not kinky at all. We call these people vanilla. However, this is actually a pretty small percentage of the population. A lot of people are only interested in specific fetishes, but they are still some shade of kink. We’ll explore this more in the post about kink orientation.

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Gender: 

In culture, gender is often portrayed as binary: male or female. However, there is a lot more to it than that. Transgender people, intersex people, and various shades of in between male and female are all part of the variety in our species.

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Mono/Poly Attraction: 

Some people really are only interested in one sexual partner. They enjoy mating with a single person for life. On the other hand, some people are are interested in having several sexual partners at a time. That is one aspect of a person’s orientation.

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Sexual Orientation: 

Again, culture portrays this as a binary situation: straight or gay. However, most of us fall of a spectrum somewhere in between, with a sexual preference but interest in both sexes. And of course, some people are asexual and just like to cuddle.

Over the next few weeks I want to explore each of these aspects of orientation in detail, and discuss various topics related to your orientation.

A Misunderstanding

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Recently someone who was fairly new to BDSM was chatting with me on fetlife.com. I mentioned that I was having some friends visit for Christmas-`a lesbian couple my husband and I knew in Korea.

He said it sounded like we’d be having some fun parties at my house at night- (implying that we were planning to have sex parties with our lesbian friends.)

The idea he was operating under was that everyone in the community just has sex with each other because he thinks that’s what kinky people do (in part I blame kink.com for this, with all of it’s orgy videos.)

 

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So let me explain something I think is very important to understand about the kink community: Because I am interested in bondage does NOT mean I will have sex with everyone else who is.

As far as I know, our house guests are monogamous. Lots of kinky couples are. That is not unusual and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, being kinky does not somehow transcend sexual orientation. To imply that my husband will be having fun with lesbians is to not understand what a lesbian is. They like women. My husband is a man. Being kinky doesn’t change the fact that lesbians are attracted to women, and men are not women.

I regret that I have to rant about this. I regret that some people do not understand these concepts.

But for the record, being kinky does not mean you immediately jump on anyone else who is kinky. Monogamous kinky people are still monogamous. Lesbian kinky people still only sleep with women. How we like to have sex does not transcend everything else that we are. That’s not how this works.

Sorry, but I just had to get that out.

Also, and Merry Christmas or Happy Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate, and Happy Western New Year or Lunar New Year or whatever you like.

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