Memories

This week I stayed home and hung out with Mr. Knight. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go hunt down the boys, since the sex just isn’t exciting to me. The problem with spending too much time in the kink community is, it ruins you for vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong- now and again I have had some vanilla sex that was pretty good and made me happy. It does happen. However, for the most part, it’s not as exciting as it should be.

I am a Switch, though I tend to be a Domme. What that means is, I tend to take charge of a situation, but in rare cases, I can submit to people that I deem worthy. So this week while I was watching Sherlock Holmes and drinking with Mr. Knight, I let my mind wander back to better sex and wonder about how to find someone new to play with so that I can sate the monster inside.

My favorite play partner in a long time, I shall call Mr. Bond. His job was in Military Intelligence, and we’ll leave it at that. It’s just that a spy named seemed appropriate since he really did join hoping to be James Bond. (Not that it worked out that way or anything, but you know; the thought was there.)

Mr. Bond was only twenty one when I met him, but brilliant. He solved puzzles incredibly quickly and managed to also have a good social IQ, which I find to be a very impressive combination of skills. More importantly, he had the quality I need in a Dom. He was the kind of person who focused completely on his partner while having sex. He was selfless, considerate, and able to pick up on the slightest change in breathing or movement of a limb- then extrapolate the meaning behind it. In other words, he could read my mind.

Oh course, one does not need to read my mind. I speak. I am very vocal about what I want in bed and everywhere else. However, the ability to read a lover’s mind is still really important in BDSM. What if they are tied up and gagged? You need to still be able to evaluate their responses so you can make sure they aren’t having a bad experience. I can do this, and I only submit to others who can do it too.

I can not tell you how much fun Mr. Bond was. He learned Shibari just because I asked him to. And, because he’s a genius at puzzles, he learned a bunch of knots in a single week. He came over one weekend and I mentioned that I’d like him to check it out to tie me up with. The following weekend he brought several lengths of silk rope over and showed me all the cool knots he’d learned. I guess he practiced by tying himself and things in his barracks up. I have never been more impressed with anyone in a BDSM sense than I was with Mr. Bond just then.

Because I grew up on the streets, I am often accused of being somewhat heartless and cold. I grew a tough exterior out of self-defense, but it has remained in place and it serves me well as a Domme. I tend to control a situation out of instinct, because in the past, things left to chance went very badly for me. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not, but it’s very hard for me to drop the shell and be anything but a strong, powerful woman. To do it, I must be very impressed by the person I am with. That is a rare thing, and Mr. Bond is one of only two people I have ever submitted to. He was impressive enough that I found it very easy to fall at his feet.

Sadly, Mr. Bond left recently. Such is the nature of the military. They do not stick around long. Since then I have been trying to hunt up fun play partners, but even though I am looking through fetlife, I can’t seem to find anyone very kinky. Well, I guess Mr. Nice Guy is kinky… but I just can’t bring myself to beat him. And Mr. Uptight is on fetlife, but I can’t figure out why since he doesn’t seem kinky at all. I’ve tried to talk about it with him (and write extensive e-mails about it since he doesn’t seem okay with talking in person) but thus far, I can’t really get much out of him. Some people are so hard to talk to!

I will write a post some time about talking to your kinky partner. Scene negotiation is super-hard sometimes, because people are often embarrassed or have trouble talking about what they want. Getting them to talk is the key to having fun, so I have several methods I use to try to force people to communicate. I’ll devote a whole post to it soon.

For now, I guess I’ll just chill out and patiently wait until the Physicist gets here, because he sounds interesting.

Sex and movies

The weekend is finally here!

First, I went to Mr. Nice Guy’s house (since I can’t bring anyone home just now with Mr. Knight living there). He’s such a dear! He bought my favorite whiskey to keep at his house, and downloaded my favorite movies. This should make me really happy. I mean, it does! People being nice to me is wonderful.

However, sometimes it’s obvious that someone is being nice because they are desperate for the approval of the people around them. That always makes me feel really icky, like there’s a scuff on my shoe that I’m not sure how to buff off.

Mr. Nice Guy and I talked about sex (finally!) He’s made it clear he’s looking for a Domme. I am mostly given to being a Domme, so it seems at first glace as though this is a brilliant match and we should both be happy. And yet, that’s not how this plays out.

I will try to explain, but I am aware that I might not be able to capture the essence of what I am saying.

So, my ideal submissive is proud. I like them young, smart, and willful. I want them to be cocky and full of themselves and sure that I’m lucky to have them as a pet. This is necessary for me, because then it feels justified when I beat them and abuse them both verbally and physically. I need to feel like there is a dynamic in which my submissive needs the pride beaten out of them, and I am doing the world a favor.

For me, there is nothing worse than a submissive who has no self esteem. It’s awful to beat someone and abuse someone who already hangs their head all the time and feels beaten by the world. It’s like kicking a sick puppy or something.

So of course, Mr. Nice Guy wants to be submissive. He is also someone who is still hung up on his ex-wife, gets walked on like a carpet because he is too nice, and has very little self-esteem. This is all the qualities I can not handle in a submissive. I didn’t have the heart to explain it that way though- because there’s no need to hurt someone who’s already broken. How could I tell him he evoked too much pity in me for me to beat him? That would only make the problem worse!

My solution was to say that I was actually also a submissive looking for a Dom. I looked as cute as I could and asked him if he would try to top me. I’m younger than him by half a decade and cute as hell- if I do say so myself. Maybe abusing me could give him some self-esteem? I didn’t know what else to do.

He wasn’t into it, and the subject was dropped. We watched Finding Nemo (one of my very favorite movies) and drank heavily. Later, he tried to push me up against a wall roughly, but it was so forced that I couldn’t get serious about kissing him back. It felt passionless and fake. We went to bed instead, and I actually slept pretty well on his too-soft bed.

In the morning, I went to go see Mr. Uptight on base. He’s not allowed to have people stay the night, but he can have guests during the day. I am SO very okay with having sex during the day right now, because there hasn’t been enough sex in my life lately. So he met me in front of the base and signed me on. We went back to his barracks while he babbled somewhat awkwardly (as he always does) and I told a few stories here and there.

As soon as we got inside I jumped him. I was all teeth and claws. It had been a little too long since I’d had sex and I’ve been wanting to rape Mr. Knight all week. I needed an outlet. Mr. Uptight squirmed a little and said ouch a bit. He doesn’t really like it rough. I was beyond caring though, because I was in a passionate and primal mood.

He still lays there like a High School girl when we fuck. I will make the excuse for him that he was in a motorcycle accident and he’s needed some surgery here and there on his leg. I know he’s in a lot of pain sometimes and maybe it’s hard for him to be on top. So, I never ask or force the issue. You’d think he could at least moan or something, though. But hey, whatever! I can always use the exercise, I suppose.

Unfortunately, I’m not one of those lucky girls who has a clit close to her vagina, so I can’t cum from having sex. That does make Mr. Uptight’s laziness frustrating because if he never goes down on me, I’m never going to get off when we have sex. It’s still enjoyable though- just to have sex. Penetration may not be my thing, but it still feels good.

I guess you could say that while chocolate ice cream is not my favorite, not everywhere has mango. And since I like chocolate, it’s not terrible to eat it. I’d just prefer mango. You know, if it was around.

I went home while the night was still young, though Mr. Uptight and I had sex several times during the day.

On the couch, waiting for me, was Mr. Knight. We poured drinks and watched the new Sherlock Holmes in an amiable silence, as we have been doing of late. His attempts at painting over the weekend littered the house, and before bed I said I liked them, in an attempt to bolster his self-esteem. I guess I really do hate people who don’t think highly of themselves after all. It must be some kind of hang-up of mine.

When I went upstairs, I made myself a profile on a dating site and sent some messages on a BDSM site. I am bored to tears with my sex life right now. I need a good, strong pet to beat the shit out of. Or at least, I need a fellow switch I can play some good scenes with. I hate when there’s not enough BDSM sex in my life. I feel so deprived and unfulfilled. Times like this really make me miss the dungeon back home. But, I said I was going to make this work, and so I shall. Looks like I’m resorting to online dating. And another weekend comes to a close for the Magically Delicious Super Slut.