On my recent vacation my husband and I spent a lot of time with one of my exes. I am told that should be uncomfortable, but it really wasn’t.

I often have people tell me that you’re not supposed to talk to your exes, or introduce current lovers to them, or a host of other societal norms that I guess seemed to make sense in High School.

However, I wonder why these things follow us into adulthood. As we grow and become more emotionally mature, break-ups are (hopefully) less childish and spiteful. And it seems more natural to keep in touch with exes, as they share a part of your story and always will. (And maybe also children.)

For me, I have several exes that I was with for a long time or whom I had a lot of meaningful interactions with, and so it seems like tossing them aside would be like throwing away a part of myself.

I don’t mean to say that everyone should always be close with people they have dated. Everyone knows their own limits and there’s a lot to be said for that.

For me, I think my exes tend to enjoy each other’s company (as I guess I have “a type”) and I enjoy having them meet and share perspectives.

I think this is more common in the BDSM community, as it is mostly my vanilla friends that balk at the idea of staying friends with former lovers. So perhaps that says something about the overall emotional maturity of the community compared to the world at large.

For me, each person I spent a part of my life with shares a part of my story. I have one ex who doesn’t speak to me, and I hate that because I feel like that part of my story is gone. I do remember some things from then, of course. But it’s a shame not to have anyone to talk to about those times.

I don’t know how it is for all of you- my fellow kinky folks. But I know my husband doesn’t feel threatened by my exes, and I know I enjoy having them around. It seems really important to me to have all those pieces of myself close by forever.